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How do I get an attitude problem under control

HIDDEN is 12 and with that comes a mouth and a half when he was little we were very physical I put school to the side stayed home and raised HIDDEN to the best of my abilities now I think I can go back to school and work since his calls from school have gotten less and he's controlling his behavior there. But he hit puberty and now it's his mouth before I had more bruises then he did from being beaten up holding him during tantrums now that's ended. But I think his attitude pisses me off more now then the physicality ever did. He is disrespectful he refuses to do his chores (which I enforce anyway) I have tried grounding I have tried taking away things he likes and as silly as it is I still give him timeouts and still that mouth. Any help would be much appreciated at school they say he is respectful and gets more and more self efficient every day. He is adhd and autistic I don't know if I'm doing something wrong of his meds need adjusted I'm looking for a councillor for his defiance disorder I'm at my wits end can anyone help? I know I raised him better then this but I'm afraid if I don't reel it in now he's going to get worse as the teen years come down the line. Please help

Answers
User in Haughton, LA
May 25, 2017

It takes a lot to get through the school day with ASD/ADHD. If meds wear off also by the time he arrives home that becomes even harder for him to not use home as an outlet for the steam held off. His energy has been expended doing so well at school. He needs lots of support and less expectation of chores and other things if he is doing well in school. Minimize those things and reward what is going well. Ignore some of the language stuff a while and see if that helps. If it doesn't let him know you tried ignoring and it did not help and see if he can agree on a plan to do less. Ask him how much of this kind of language the kids at school are using. Sometimes instead of learning social cues they are learning social misbehavior/bad behavior and minimally bad language. He is not raised at 12. Today school gets more challenging at 6th grade and is a huge adjustment. Perhaps you need to visit the school for yourself. Are his grades agreeing with what the teachers are saying? I hope you find a good counselor. It sounds like you definitely need someone for both of you. I have two on the spectrum but they have been home since they were 10 and 12 home schooling. You use the word 'pisses' here. Be a good example.

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First off, it is vital to remember not to take the issue personally. Your son's behavior will not always reflect the way you raised him, so do not think it is your own shortcoming. Understand that your son will make his own decisions, regardless of what you have taught him, and you cannot control him, but you can take charge of the situation in a responsible and mature way. My younger brother has ADHD, and I have worked with a child with AHD as well. One thing I have observed more than anything, is that it is so vital to not react out of anger. Many times, the child believes he or she can get a rise out of a parent or someone in authority by acting a certain way. By reacting out of anger or frustration as a parent, we only show them that their attempts are working. Instead, what we should do is react calmly, unchanged by your child's attitude. Never give an attitude back, and avoid raiseing your voice whenever you can. Your son is 12, so he is old enough to comprehend that his actions have consequences. Adress him as a mature pre-teen. Try taking away privileges to social activities (such as playing a sport, or extra free time/ electronics). When he misbehaves and you tell him the consequences, make sure to be matter-of-fact and unswerving, while still being calm. It is also important that he understands that you are not punishing him because he ticked you off, but because you love him and you want him to learn how to communicate with people. By the same token, it is important to reward his good behavior and praise him whenever appropriate. I am certain that you are doing an amazing job as a parent! Don't give up. Love always wins.

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User in Absecon, NJ
May 25, 2017

Karate, if he's interested, can be helpful focusing respect, attitude and energy appropriately.

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Try to be his friend for now then a mother since he has hit puberty. Give him more hugs & love, the changes in him could be way more than he could handle. Children need love & understanding. Sometimes we are not able to understand them. But we can try. We can try to makes changes to ourselves since if they see we are getting angry they to do the same.See how we react, action,our state of mind, etc you could try to be positive in the event. Talking softly. I know its hard but can try. :) Try to see what curricula activity he likes and spend time there (with him) or him only so he's mind is diverted to being a happy child. I know your are doing your best. But working at his mind level could be of help. :) I hope the best for you. :)

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12-18 is a very crucial stage for children. And it can get excruciating for both the child and the parents at times based on their behavior during this age. Usually this stage is their ideal adolescent age you can say. They experience "intimacy vs isolation" at this time (according to Erickson). This means, if they don't form intimate relationships during this stage, they may feel isolated and alienated in later life. You know one day my student (imagine what he would do if he was my kid) started showing tantrums in front of me and started doing homework with such a nasty attitude. So I thought that I'll just ask him what is up with his attitude, and I did. So I told him, "You know if there's a problem, it's not fair to me for you to displace your anger from something else to me". And guess what, just by saying that I made him open up to me. He started sharing what happened in the bus and school and what made him cranky. Trust me, communication is the only key. He complains about his mom all the time but I think he's becoming more understanding with the communication he has with me,

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Since your son is 12, I imagine he is in 6th grade and in middle school. This is probably stressful for him, especially since he has autism/ADHD/defiance disorder. I have cared for those on different spectrum's of the autism spectrum (18 months to 3rd or 4th grade) with and without AD/HD and I have cared for a teen boy with ADHD and defiance disorder (who is now an adult with Bi-Polar I and doing great). I can only imagine that the stresses of the school day are so high that when he gets home, he cannot handle more stress (chores, demands, any negativity). This would be enough to set any teen or preteen off the wall; however, one with your sons conditions will tend to have worse reactions than other teens. From all my years of being a mom (32 years), nanny, and a graduate student (graduating next year!), I have learned that the best possible thing to do with, and for, children at this special turning point in the life (preteen to teen) and having the conditions that he has is to: 1) be patient; 2) not add pressure/stress onto him when he comes home from school--have this wait for an hour or so after he gets home so he has time to decompress; 3) always talk softly, calmly, and openly with him--this will help him to open up more, have a closer relationships with you, and to keep open communication between you throughout the years; 4) never, ever let each other yell at or handle each other roughly. If it ever gets to that point, stop immediately and both of you go your different ways to take your own time-outs to cool down; and 5) If he allows you to hug him, give him a lot of hugs and kisses with a lot of I love you's, no matter what he has said and or done. Praising his positives and not his negatives will go a long ways.

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Cam in Columbus, OH
Aug. 1, 2017

Autism, ding ding ding. TALK TO A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. PLEASE.

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User in Fordland, MO
Aug. 1, 2017

There are many resources for helping parents with their autistic or developmentally-delayed children with their negative behaviors. You could check with the local autism network, social services, developmental centers, mental health agencies for support. Many of these services could be free. Ask other parents with similar problems for advice and referrals. You might benefit from a behavioral specialist (Easter Seals also has them) to help you improve your child's. It sounds like you have been struggling to manage this on your own. Seek help from the places I have mentioned, and also look for a qualified tutor on Care.com.

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It might help to be very careful of everything you say. Kids tend to be influenced by the kind of language used by people close to them. You might want to be careful to avoid using even mild profanity in your speech, such as using the expression "p****es me off" that you used in the question you asked. Especially if he does not do it in school but does at home, that's probably because teachers in school have to be very careful in every word they say and expression they use; if a teacher ever said "p***es me off" and someone heard it and reported it, the teacher could get into a lot of trouble! If you're careful never to use any mild profanity or vulgarity in your own speech, even when he's not around (sometimes kids hear things you don't think they can hear), that may eventually help clear up his aggressive mouth.

He doesn't swaer at me it's more I don't want to u can't make me and there is nothing u can do about it I have never sworn at him I use phrases like I'm very angry or I'm disappointed and yelling only makes things worse so I'm doing better with that he is now in counselling and has been seeing a phsychiatrist regularly it's his defiance disorder which there is no medication for so I need to change something just not sure what thank u for ur tip tho much appreciated

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Definitely check his medication and see if they need adjustments. If not try taking a more calm approach and explain to him what the consequences could be to his actions if they continue.

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User
May 4, 2017

I would suggest checking on his medication and getting him in counseling immediately. Also set up a positive motivator at home focusing on positive interaction between you and him, such as playing card games, board games; earning extra time to watch t.v.; small allowance earned by doing chores. Keep a routine going in your home every day. Kids with autism do well with routine. Join a support group for parents with autistic children. Pray & involve the resources at your church.

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It sounds like he is angry about something and is not able to articulate very well. A friend of mine had the same problem, and when she took him to get some help, she found out he was angry about something and became resentful and hostile about it. Once he was able to talk about and see why his behavior was wrong, he broke down into tears. Many times, when we get our feelings hurt and they are not addressed, that anger turns into anger, resentment and bitterness to mask the brokenness we feel in our hearts. I hope you find this helpful.

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Have you tried a specialist? someone who works with children who are adhd and autistic? This would be my first recommendation!

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Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist. I am not a parent. It sounds like you may need to see a psychologist. If either of you has experienced physical force, you may need to find help from a trained professional rather than the internet community. Many children who have experienced physical abuse find ways to "defend" themselves-- which include extreme behavior problems to keep people who may care about him at arm's length. How do you enforce him doing his chores if he refuses to do so? Does he actually do the "time-out" when you give it to him and it is just ineffective, or does he simply not do them and get up and walk away. If he is autistic, you may need professional help. I have worked with children with special needs, and parents are generally not trained well enough because all children with autism are different. I don't know if this sounds extreme, but he needs to learn to behave and respect the people and things around him. Most importantly are the people around him. Take away all his things except the basics. This includes the bedroom door. It sounds odd or harsh, but I have seen it done effectively. One of the privileges a child can have is privacy. That is just it-- it is privacy. Please leave the bathroom door intact.

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User in Dayton, OH
May 4, 2017

I understand where you are coming from. My brother was the same way, and counseling helped him a lot. I am a Psychology major with my Associates and I am working on my bachelors. My brother came to me for help and I helped him turn his life around. He was the exact same age. I have a sister the same age now, but she doesn't go through any of this. I could help you if you would like. Please contact me. Send me a message and I will be able to further assist you.

I would greatly appreciate any input u have I'm not sure how to message u directly hope this gets to u thank u

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If I could offer any advice, it would be to seek help from a certified counselor or therapist. There are doctors who specialize in autism spectrum disorders and adhd/defiance disorder in the Madison area. Keep looking for help, and ask your doctor if they can refer you to services. Above all, be understanding with the child because as hard as it is to experience on your end, the child is having a harder time with his or her emotions. I guarantee.

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I believe kids are like a tree. If you take care of the tree in a good way it will grow straight. Therefore, you have to show kids the path you want them to follow and they will follow it. If they are already out of the path then you don't give up to show them what is good and bad. Discipline them by taking away something they love and treasure, but in the process you don't show them you can give up and do what they want you to do, because they will be your boss. Show them there is consequence to their actions, don't let them get away with bad manners. You have to be tough to get rid of bad manner. choose their friends to be good kids because the peer-pressure will also help.

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As adults, parents and educators, our natural instinct is to be more punitive (grounding, taking away things, etc..) One thing schools are starting to do is follow more of a positive reinforcement system. As hard as it maybe when you see him not getting on his chores right away - try to acknowledge what he is doing right at that moment, "X, I liked how you put your shoes away., I like how you are sitting down so calmly, I appreciated how you came and helped me with breakfast this morning - it made me feel ________. and positively remind him of what he needs to do. Also, try making a visual list for him with pictures and words - "if you do this then you will get to do this." It may sound silly, but I used it in my classroom and it made a world of difference! Best of luck!

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Its possible your child is acting out because he is bored and needs more one on one learning.

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Hi. I'm Toriyell. I see the effort you have put into your child in hopes he would calm it down a notch or 2. I'm not a psychologist, but I really feel like he just needs a friend-someone who is close to his age. Autistic or not, a hyper child or not, he craves ,just like anybody else, love, attention, and care. You're right . Right now is the time to act before it's too late. He'll give up on everything and everyone if he doesn't get that affection soon. You can consider hiring me for him, but anybody else as caring as me will suffice. Choose wisely and good luck.

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Hello! My name is Clint and I'm a recent college graduate. I started volunteering at the Special Ed class in my high school 6 years ago, and I've returned every summer to help out. I've worked with some kids for all 6 years and seen them grow and mature so much. I would HIGHLY recommend getting your son a counselor if possible. Various students I know have benefitted tremendously from this. I just googled "autism counselor los angeles" and it looks like there are many options. For yourself, I would recommend a support group for parents of children with autism. Many parents of students I worked with attend these. Here are some I found: https://www.autismspeaks.org/r... https://www.autismspeaks.org/r... https://www.ymcala.org/metro/c... Hope this is helpful! I hope you know that your son's behavior is not directed at you. He likely has many stressors and his behavior is just the manifestation. Thinking good thoughts for you and your son, may you both be well. Clint

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I think that you have to put him in a school for special program and also see with the doctor what kind of medication you have to give him .

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It's normal for a child who hit puberty to be a little... Reckless and moody. I'm not a professional, but... Maybe try asking your son for compromises. Like, for example, "If you do most of your chores, I'll help you with the last one." and ask him if anything you are doing seems unfair. children may stop listening if they feel like something his/her parent is doing something that seems unfair. It's harder to "train" a child as they get older because their brains are not as flexible. So it takes patience. As well as explain what puberty is doing to them or changing them. If your son doesn't know what's happening, he won't be able to try and control it. Wish you luck.

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Sandra in Briggs, TX
Oct. 24, 2017

You are in a tough spot! Having recently worked with a family with horribly defiant children (at home, but at school they were well-behaved), I would suggest that you make sure YOU get enough sleep and eat right so that you have the energy and stamina to do what needs to be done. Secondly, I suggest that you make sure your "no" means "no" and do not give in to him EVER. You don't mention a father, but if there is a father-figure in the picture, make sure you are both on the same page. Get the help of his grandparents, if you can, or your pastor or some trusted man you know. Limit the sugar and electronics (no smart phone). I am not an expert by any means on autism or ADHD, but make sure you don't allow any guilt on your part get in the way of standing firm with this young man. At the end of the day, make sure he knows that you love him, no matter what. The fact that he behaves at school demonstrates that he CAN control himself within a structured situation. Make your home structured so he knows what is expected of him and what he can expect. Do you have rules about what is and isn't allowed as far as talking back/communication? Make it clean that you will not be spoken to in that tone or those words. Probably his teacher is very respectful and calm...try do imitate her/him at home. Don't let him "yank your chain". Never reward his bad behavior. Be sure to reward good behavior...Comments like, "You're such a good boy" should be changed to something more specific about the behavior and/or his character...like, "I like the way you didn't give up on that math homework, even though it was tough! That shows a lot of Persistence." Teach him to express his feelings in a calm manner. Pray pray pray and ask the LORD for wisdom for your specific situation.

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John in Pottstown, PA
Oct. 14, 2017

I don't know what your beliefs and practices may be,but it most certainly wouldn't hurt to seek spiritual counselling.MAYBE attending a church service[if you don't alresdy ]Specifically a Bible based church.

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Kelsey in Murray, KY
Oct. 2, 2017

I would suggest some counseling for both of you and try to figure out what is causing his frustrations that cause him to misbehave. The best thing to do it to try and understand where he is coming from and meet on mutual ground. Positive re-enforcement could be the key since discipline doesn't seem to be working. But I highly, highly suggest a counselor/therapist of some sort that can work with both of you.

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Welcome to puberty, in the 21 century. Bad language has become the norm of this age. A timeout till he is 40 won't change what comes out of his mouth. You have to keep reminding him that the words and tone he is using, will not get him anywhere in life and will not be tolerated in the house. How he chooses to talk to he friends outside the house is one way but in your house and presence, he must show you respect. You can then try taking away the thing he enjoys doing in his spare time and replacing them with extra household chores. Most children would rather be out playing with friends than staying around the house doing chores for mom and dad, on weekends and afterschool

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User in New York, NY
Sept. 21, 2017

I think you should reach out for some help, it sounds like this situation is extremely stressful for you and your child. Your pediatrician would be a great place to start.

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I feel your pain. With my 13 year old daughter, Ive had similar experiences. Yelling dosent work, you have to take the time and try and reason with him and have a conference with him. Make him sign an agreement to work on his behavior and do his part (chores) to help the family.

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Frances in Bronx, NY
July 13, 2018

Most, if not every pre-teen/teen gives their parent a run for their money and it will never be easy. But being honest and talking to your kid helps even if its just a little bit. The ADHD tells be that he has a lot of build up energy and possibly anger, the autism isn't controlled unless with a change in meds. I hope things get better. I hope with the right communication ( maybe more family sessions with a therapist) can help.

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I have personal experience with adhd and autism. It takes patience, I know. More than anything - he needs to fee like he is in charge/control of something. That you TRUST him so much that he will have full autonomy of this task/activity/chore. You must not be reactive, but rather act in silence. He will eventually yield, as all wild animals do. Athletics is extremely beneficial for youth of his type - giving him a focal point to direct his aggression/energy. I'd have to work with him for a bit to give specifics, but this general guidance has helped me significantly.

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