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26 Hilarious Hypothetical Dog Tweets

Nicole Leigh Shaw
Dec. 9, 2015

If they could use Twitter, 90 percent of dog tweets would include the hashtag #SQUIRREL. What else would they include?

If you live with a dog, you know there are times he seems to be thinking deep, human-like thoughts. The kind that deep, human-like people might put on Twitter -- in essence, dog tweets. They can't all be about butt sniffing, right?

Here are 26 hilarious hypothetical dog tweets:

  1. Last week when I chased my own tail. #tbt
  2. My human thinks he has a rash. Not a rash. #fleas
  4. This 14-hour nap isn't going to take itself. #werk
  5. At the dog park. 99 dog butts but I only have one nose. The struggle is real.
  6. My person got me a walking treat dispenser. #litterbox #yum
  7. So, it's OK if I chew on this rubber shoe toy, but not OK if I chew on your shoe with rubber soles? Make more sense. #humanz
  8. New poodle in the neighborhood. #wannasniffthat
  9. I don't have a short attention span. The world has too many squirrels. #doglife
  10. Just licked my own private area for 15 straight minutes. #blessed
  11. Guys! There's something in the road and I think it's been dead a long, long time. RT if you love roadkill!
  12. Sometimes I think, "Am I chasing the cars or are they chasing me?" #deepthoughts
  13. Human hates when I bark at mail carrier, but wants me to bark at bad guys. Human fails to understand the mail carrier is the bad guy.
  14. My lady human just rubbed my belly until my leg did that thing. #wcw
  15. Just got back from taking my person for a drag around the neighborhood. Remember: keep your human on a leash. It's the law.
  16. Dogs, just warning you, do not read "Old Yeller." #prayforoldyeller
  17. Toilet water, I can't quit you.
  18. I went to the vet and all I got was this #coneofshame
  19. Tried to open person's bedroom door by digging a hole under it. #fail
  20. The crew and I with the dog walker, all planning to pee on the same hydrant. #squadgoals
  21. Been there, chewed that. Even played tug-o-war with the T-shirt.
  22. You say howl, I say song of my people. #fullmoon
  23. I'm stuffed. Just ate a pound of ground beef. Also the plastic wrapping. And the Styrofoam tray.
  24. So there's this cat that lives here and I'm like, "Cat, watch this!" Then I put his whole head in my mouth. #catz
  25. Weird neighbor keeps asking me "Who's a good boy?" Someone should tell him I'm a girl.
  26. Got bored. Decided to bark at nothing at 3 a.m. and watch the human look out every window and check every lock. #messingwithhoomans

Sadly, dogs can't tweet. Hopefully science will invent a solution to this problem. Until then, the world will have to simply imagine what it would be like if dogs could type out their thoughts in 140 characters. If you want to know more about actual dog social media, take a look at Social Networking for Dog Owners.

If your own pooch could send dog tweets, what would she say? Is your dog likely to be a social media activist (#downwithfences!) or someone who gets on Twitter for the jokes? Would your dog get a lot of retweets? Share your own made-up dog tweets in the comments!

Nicole Leigh Shaw began writing as a newspaper journalist in 1999, but has been moving through all the metamorphic stages of the modern writer except "tortured novelist" and soon she'll emerge as a butterfly or a vlogger. Nicole writes for Cosmopolitan.com, ScaryMommy.com and has contributed to four anthologies, including the New York Times best-seller "I Just Want to Pee Alone." She also maintains a blog, a Facebook page and a Twitter account.

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