As a parent, you’re in charge of your child’s well-being — both physical and mental. When they fall, you tend to their bruises and wipe their tears. Later on, in adolescence and teenhood, you help them navigate a bully at school or coax them through their first breakup. (All the while, you’re also tasked with being their private chef, academic tutor and primary disciplinarian. No biggie, right?)
While these tasks and guiding a child into maturity might seem like a “normal” part of parenthood, it’s a process that requires a significant mental (and emotional) load — one that can weigh on parents. In the 2022 Harvard report “Caring for the Caregivers, the Critical Link Between Parent and Teen Mental Health,” roughly 20% of mothers and 15% of fathers surveyed reported depression and anxiety (which was higher than their teens). Other studies suggest that roughly 15.6 million U.S. families have at least one parent who’s significantly depressed.
“I felt overwhelmed by my parenting challenges,” recalls Iesha Mulla, the co-founder of Parental Questions, and a mother to two children aged 3 and 5. “I was constantly anxious, second-guessing each decision I made for my children.” Mulla knew she needed help, which she voiced to her doctor at the time. He recommended talk therapy. “It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made,” she says. “Therapy has not only made me a better parent but also a happier individual. I am now able to enjoy my parenting journey, and I owe that to therapy.”
Here, experts share how therapy for parents can benefit families, plus, how to find the right one.
The benefits of therapy for parents
Here are the key takeaways you can expect to get from working with a therapist.
1. You’re likely going to be a better parent.
According to Traci S. Williams, a clinical psychologist who treats families, it’s common for parents to want to give, and give and give when it comes to caregiving. But if you’re not caring for yourself, it’s impossible to care for others — especially children. “A parent’s well-being directly impacts the well-being of their kids,” Williams explains. “Parents struggling with their mental health, substance abuse or with intimate partner violence are more likely to have kids who experience abuse, exhibit behavior problems or display symptoms of depression and anxiety.”
A study in Development and Psychopathology found that moms showing signs of depression who went to therapy had far better outcomes than their counterparts who didn’t. What’s more, the children of moms who had therapy were more likely to show improvement across a number of developmental milestones.
For Mulla, mental health troubles were getting in the way of direct, thoughtful communication with her children — something therapy helped remedy. “I learned to manage my anxiety and communicate more effectively with my children,” she notes. (FYI: Mulla went through cognitive behavioral therapy. According to the American Psychological Association, CBT is a psychological treatment for depression, anxiety, substance abuse disorders and familial problems. It runs the gamut.)
“My therapist told me, ‘Parenting isn’t about always getting it right; it’s about being willing to make mistakes and learn from them. Your kids won’t remember your mistakes as much as they will remember how you handled them.’”
—Iesha Mulla, co-founder of Parental Questions, and a mother of two
“One piece of advice that particularly resonated with me came during a challenging time when I felt inadequate as a parent,” Mulla recalls. “My therapist told me, ‘Parenting isn’t about always getting it right; it’s about being willing to make mistakes and learn from them. Your kids won’t remember your mistakes as much as they will remember how you handled them.’”
Another point that Laurie Singer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified behavior analyst, makes: Therapy can help parents unearth — and subsequently work through — any traumas that are lying beneath the surface. “Parents were young once too and may have unresolved issues regarding their own childhood,” she explains. “This can get in the way of healthy parenting. But learning how to talk about past or present issues can lead to parents being more open-minded to change regarding their current parenting styles.”
2. Therapy can help you better set boundaries.
As any parent will tell you, setting and holding boundaries is a critical component of an adult-child relationship — and it’s something therapy can help with, according to Singer. “Children need parents to set boundaries,” she explains. “Having a therapist work with the parents can help them learn that it’s not only OK to set boundaries, but it’s something children respond to and will appreciate later in life.”
Plus, as Williams explains, “[Therapy] can help parents handle conflicts occurring between them and their kids. Parent-child conflict is commonly addressed in family therapy practices, and parents can attend on their own to get a better handle on the challenges they’re facing.”
3. You’ll have a judgment-free outlet.
Let’s be real: As a parent, there might be days you’re feeling touched out or overwhelmed and want to hole up in a closet or bathroom and eschew all caregiving duties (and subsequently feel like the worst person in the world for it). A therapist can help you understand that those scenarios — or, rather, any and all sticky situations related to parenthood — are entirely normal, and your feelings (no matter what they are) are valid.
“Having a therapist provides an outlet for parents to discuss the difficulties they face,” saysWilliams. “A therapist is an unbiased sounding board who can provide guidance that parents might not get from simply talking with family members or friends.”
Additionally, trained professionals with experience are able to normalize a situation, points out Singer. “By merely listening to the parents, and finding out about their goals and expectations for the child or children, they can apply that experience to better inform parents of potential steps and outcomes,” she notes.
How to go about finding the right therapist as a parent
If you’re just beginning to dive into your search for a therapist, consider these tips.
Get a referral from a friend, family member, or doctor you trust.
Mulla found her therapist by way of her primary care physician. “Recognizing the signs of my distress, my doctor suggested that therapy might be beneficial and provided me with a few recommendations,” she recalls.
You can also ask around various parent groups — say, fellow caregivers at your kid’s swim class or even in dedicated Facebook groups online (Parenting Group, Mom Squad and Positive Parenting Support and Resources are a few examples).
Set up a phone consultation.
Singer recommends opting for a therapist who specializes in family therapy and is solutions-focused. “Therapy should have a goal that can be achieved,” she adds, noting that these types of credentials and notes should be found on their website.
Next, set up a time to chat over the phone. “This is the time when questions can be asked that are important to the parent and will help determine if the therapist is a good fit,” Singer explains, noting that you should chat with a potential therapist about how long they anticipate the sessions continuing — and a general timeframe for how they see whatever “goal” being addressed.
Another point to discuss: frequency. “How many sessions you aim for depends on the severity of parents’ concerns and the therapist’s availability,” Dr. Williams says, noting that weekly or biweekly counseling sessions tend to be the most effective for parents.
“Having an unbiased professional get to the root cause of behavior can help with decision-making and parenting.”
—Laurie Singer, a licensed marriage and family therapist
See if you qualify for a cost-reduction program.
“There are more therapy options now than ever before,” says Williams. “Parents considering beginning therapy should first check their insurance coverage for mental health services.”
She adds that many employers offer Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs), which are free mental counseling services offered through the government. Williams is also a fan of Open Path Psychotherapy Collective, a nonprofit that helps provide mental health services at deeply reduced rates.
Don’t discount teletherapy options.
If the hassle of getting to and from a therapy appointment is likely to tack on more angst to your day, don’t stress it, says Williams. Teletherapy is a more-than-viable option that provides similar results to in-person counseling. “Teletherapy provides flexibility for busy parents who can’t imagine fitting another commute into their schedule,” she explains.
If you can, consider allowing a therapist to come to your home.
Though it might not be right for all families, Singer is a fan of observing family dynamics in real-time when counseling parents. “It’s helpful for the therapist to see the ‘regular’ interactions between the child/children and parents,” she explains. “They’ll pay attention to things like what tone of voice is the parent using with the child or children, and the tone they use with their parents.”
The bottom line on therapy for parents
Ultimately, working with a therapist as a parent could be the best way to view troubling or challenging situations through a bird’s eye lens.
“Oftentimes, parents are too close to a problematic situation and have trouble identifying the main cause of the behavioral concern,” explains Singer. “Having an unbiased professional get to the root cause of behavior can help with decision-making and parenting.”
