After staying up all night with the baby and making breakfast with a toddler on your hip, your partner sidles up to you and slides their arms around your waist. Instead of leaning into the gesture, you recoil or even snap. The reason? You’re touched out.
The term “touched out” has been having a moment for some time now — naturally, inspiring its share of re-postable jokes — but the notion predates memes, and as many parents (moms, in particular) will attest to, it’s not exactly funny.
“The term ‘touched out’ refers to the overwhelming discomfort experienced after being physically touched or needed all day by children and/or a significant other,” explains Sara Sculley, a psychotherapist at Whole Heart Reproductive Mental Health in Philadelphia.
Here, experts share the red flags you’re feeling touched out, how to handle it and more.
What does touched out mean?
“Touched out” is a phrase that refers to the fatigue you feel when you need a physical break from being touched and a mental break from the never-ending to-do list, the noise, the directing and decision-making, and having to be ‘on’ all day, explains Sculley.
While the term has generally been associated with parents (particularly moms), anyone can experience feeling touched out, explains Ruthie Arbit, a perinatal and pediatric psychotherapist and owner of Arbit Counseling in Washington D.C.
“Whether you’re a mom, dad, partner, child, pet-owner, there can be times when you feel touched out or like you’ve had too much tactile input from another person or animal,” Arbit explains. “You may be a high schooler with a super-clingy partner, you may be a parent with an anxious kiddo who won’t stop holding your leg, you may be an adult at a family gathering and find that there’s too much unwanted touch from older family members. We all experience our limits with tactile input, and for many moms, this is especially true.”
“We all experience our limits with tactile input, and for many moms, this is especially true.”
— Ruthie Arbit, a perinatal and pediatric psychotherapist and owner of Arbit Counseling in Washington, D.C.
The reason moms tend to hit their tactile limit quicker than others, Artbit explains, is that “many ‘share’ their bodies with their growing fetus and then are required to provide a lot of skin-to-skin and closeness with their newborns.”
She continues, “Kids may require less cuddles as they get older, but some still require a considerable amount. It can be so easy for moms to feel at their max with physical touch.”
And while a byproduct of hitting your touch threshold can be mom or dad guilt, Sculley advises keeping things in perspective and practicing self-compassion instead.
“Feeling overstimulated and touched out isn’t a measure of your abilities as a parent, but a completely normal response to being overstimulated and tired,” says Sculley. “It’s not a sign that you aren’t a good mother or father, but instead an indicator that you have needs that aren’t being met.”
“I spend my days over-stimulated with the stories of others, and when I get home I feel guilty that I don’t want to cuddle with the kids,” says Leslie Dobson, a clinical psychologist and mom of two in Long Beach, California. “I often have to remind myself that I need to honor the fact that I need to take some space when I get home. When we give ourselves that little bit of validation and space, we can quickly de-stimulate, and it leaves us more able to be touched by the children.”
What causes parents to feel touched out?
“[Parents feel touched out] because humans have a threshold for incoming stimuli, and on an average day of parenting, we often far exceed that limit,” says Sculley. “There is never a shortage of tasks to complete, decisions to make, schedules to keep straight, babies to cuddle and soothe, and all of these things are often happening simultaneously. That would leave anyone feeling overwhelmed, overstimulated and touched out.”
Arbit gives the example of going to a concert or spending a day at a crowded amusement park. “Think about how you feel after,” she says. “It’s very normal and healthy to have limits on the sensory input you receive.”
Parents of babies and toddlers are more prone to feeling touched out, notes Joi Rowe, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks in Paramus, New Jersey, as “small children either rely on physical affection for soothing [and]/or lack an understanding of personal space.”
“With a small child can come breastfeeding, cluster feeds, contact naps, contact sleeping, soothing, clinginess and just general care for someone else 24 hours a day,” Rowe says. “Your body can feel like a tool for care versus your own to take care of.”
Jaclyn Santos, a mom of three in Parlin, New Jersey, knows this feeling well. “After my twins were born, I felt like I was literally holding someone every minute of the day,” she explains. “When my partner got home after work, I immediately handed them off so I could decompress for a few moments.”
What are symptoms of feeling touched out?
Anne P., a mom of two in Winfield, Illinois, describes feeling touched out as wanting to crawl out of her skin. (#IYKYK).. More specifically, here are some red flags you’ve reached max tactile input, according to Arbit, Sculley and Rowe:
- You feel irritable.
- You feel anxious.
- You have trouble focusing.
- You’re lashing out.
- You’re having aversions to touch (where you quickly pull away because the touch feels invasive, uncomfortable or unsafe [or all]).
- You find yourself avoiding certain situations or tasks because there is too much closeness and touch.
- You feel resentment towards your children and/or partner.
- You’re not allowing yourself to take a break.
- You’re seeking more control.
“Children will eventually get older and learn how to set their own physical boundaries. This is typically a phase in your children’s lives that won’t last forever.”
— Joi Rowe, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks in Paramus, New Jersey
How to mitigate feeling touched out
There are a number of ways to recharge when you’re feeling touched out, but first and foremost, Rowe notes, parents need to recognize that they are not alone in this experience, and in fact, it’s very common.
“I have had many clients and friends describe this feeling without knowing the name,” she says. “When people feel like they are alone in the experience, shame and guilt can follow for having such thoughts.”
Other steps to take when (or before) you’re feeling touched out are:
Show yourself compassion.
“Take a moment to notice what is happening in your body — are you sweating, clenching, fists tight,” advises Arbit. “Then, think about the source of your discomfort and try to identify your feelings. If you think the source of your discomfort is being touched out, show yourself compassion before doing anything else. It’s actually healthy to have a limit, even if it means you want fewer hugs.”
Think of what you need in the moment.
“After giving yourself compassion, think about what you need in the moment and maybe that involves setting a boundary,” notes Arbit. “With your kids, you may say: ‘My body needs a little break from hugs/tugging/pulling, how about we just stand near each other or how about I hold your hand instead of hugs?’ If you’re really touched out and overstimulated you may even need a few minutes of quiet time to ground and reset.”
Take a break.
If you can only take a quick break, Arbit recommends doing something other than scrolling your phone — as tempting as that may be. “Use this time on something that really nourishes and grounds you,” she says. “Maybe some yoga poses, deep breathing, reading or listening to music.”
When you’re ready to go back to your family, you can maintain your boundary, she says. Say something like: “I needed a little ‘time in’ to reset, I’m back but I still want to just hold your hand for now. We can snuggle later when I feel better?”
“This models body awareness, emotional awareness and boundary setting, while maintaining a healthy attachment and supportive parenting,” says Arbit. “It also teaches kids about consent and that you get to control who touches your body and when.”
Take stock of your support system.
“If you have a partner, consider the co-parenting expectations,” notes Rowe. “How are they supporting you and lessening the load? Explain what you are experiencing and have an honest, open dialogue so you can both set realistic expectations as co-parents.”
“If you don’t have a partner, what is your support system like?” continues Rowe. “Do you have friends or family that can support you and help when needed? Or do you need to build your support group? Look online for local mothers groups near you that can provide additional support and resources.”
“Find ways to reclaim your body and your mind, do things that feel restorative and build in breaks throughout your week to proactively take care of yourself.”
— Sara Sculley, a psychotherapist at Whole Heart Reproductive Mental Health in Philadelphia
Consistently care for yourself.
Don’t wait until you feel touched out to fill your bucket, advises Sculley. Be sure to make yourself a priority every week. ”Honor your needs, and make sure to get enough sleep, drink plenty of water and eat nourishing meals,” she says. “Find ways to reclaim your body and your mind, do things that feel restorative and build in breaks throughout your week to proactively take care of yourself.”
Keep perspective (as much as possible).
“Try to remember that these feelings should pass,” says Rowe. “Not only will it pass once you are taking those needed breaks, children will eventually get older and learn how to set their own physical boundaries. This is typically a phase in your children’s lives that won’t last forever.”
The bottom line on feeling touched out
When you’re providing care 24 hours a day as a parent, feeling touched out is perfectly normal and incredibly common. Getting ahead of it, if possible, and show yourself compassion, advises Sculley.
“Learn your [red flags], and listen to your body,” she says, noting that breaks for parents — whatever form they come in — should be non-negotiables.
But most of all, she says: “Remember to be kind to yourself. You are exactly what your children need, you are doing the best you can and you are enough.”
