As most of us know, there is no single right way to parent — different strategies and methods are going to be more or less effective based on family dynamics and beliefs. Many parents these days are interested in learning more about emotional intelligence for kids as a way to better help their children manage their own feelings and understand the world around them.
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own feelings and emotions and understand and empathize with the feelings and emotions of others,” says Chelsea Elliott, a social worker, mom, certified emotional intelligence coach and CEO of Sōmōcom Lab.
Instead of screaming or crying when they are feeling angry or upset, having emotional intelligence allows children to identify how they are feeling and learn strategies to self-soothe. To help caregivers fully grasp this concept, we spoke with licensed therapists and parents about teaching emotional intelligence and how to raise an emotionally intelligent child.
What is emotional intelligence for kids?
Emotional intelligence for kids determines how well they are able to emotionally relate to others, including how effectively they communicate their emotions and respond appropriately to the emotions of those they interact with.
“Emotional intelligence is a term used to describe a person’s ability to understand, interpret, express and manage their own emotions, and to navigate interpersonal relationships with awareness, empathy and an appreciation for the emotional experiences of others,” says Michelle Felder, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Parenting Pathfinders.
What are Goleman’s 5 components of emotional intelligence?
To better understand the ideal of emotional intelligence, let’s start with the basics. Dr. Daniel Goleman, a psychologist and New York Times best-selling author, didn’t coin the term emotional intelligence, but is largely responsible for popularizing the term among the masses. Goleman developed what has become recognized as the five components of emotional intelligence, which can be helpful to know when raising an emotionally intelligent child.
To delve a bit deeper on each of Goleman’s concepts, Elliott breaks down what they are and how they play into the overall picture of EQ.
Self-awareness
This means recognizing and understanding your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses and the impact of emotions on your thoughts and actions. According to Elliott, an example of self-awareness in kids is the ability to identify how they feel either verbally or with the use of emotion cards or a chart. They recognize that something happening around them is giving them an uncomfortable feeling.
Self-regulation
Self-regulation is the ability to manage and be in control of your own emotions, impulses and reactions, and respond to challenges in healthy and effective ways. For example, says Elliott, if a child uses their weighted blanket and breathing techniques to regulate their emotions when they begin to feel uncomfortable, that is self-regulation.
Empathy
Empathy means understanding and sharing the emotions of others, and showing compassion and understanding for situations you might have or may never experience. Elliott says an example of empathy would be a child recognizing that a friend is sad when they fall and hurt their knee while playing outside. The empathetic child finds ways to comfort and support their friend.
Motivation
Motivation means having a strong drive to achieve goals, being able to bounce back from setbacks in life and having a positive attitude through challenges. “An example of motivation for kids is when a child becomes interested in a topic and spends time learning the ins and outs of it,” says Elliott.
Social skills
Social skills include effective communication, conflict resolution and building and maintaining healthy relationships with others. According to Elliott, kids demonstrate social skills when they make small talk with peers they don’t know or join in on a game with others.
How can I help my child develop emotional intelligence?
As parents and caregivers, we want what’s best for our children, and helping them develop emotional intelligence is one way to get there. Here’s what our experts have to say about how you can help teach them.
For Lisa McCarty, a mother of two and women’s health advocate, raising an emotionally intelligent child means fostering a sense of self-advocacy and encouraging open communication. “I find it helpful to do daily check-ins with my daughter after school and engage in conversation at down-times throughout the day,” adds McCarty.
Additionally, her daughter sees a cognitive behavioral therapist who has helped her to develop coping strategies to better manage her heightened emotional states. “When she experiences anxiety, she will often come to me and say ‘I am feeling anxious’ or ‘something is bothering me.’ Then, she’ll do an exercise known as finger breathing to help take her out of that fight or flight state.”
Now that you’ve heard from a parent, here are some tips from the experts:
1. Create an emotionally healthy and supportive environment
As a parent, make sure your child feels safe and comfortable to be their authentic self — and yes, that includes emotions on both sides of the spectrum, whether that’s happy, mad, sad, or angry.
“Children learn how to regulate their emotions by witnessing how we regulate our own.”
— Michelle Felder, licensed clinical social worker
“Create a warm and nurturing atmosphere where your child feels safe to express their emotions and make mistakes,” says Elliott. “Provide a listening ear, offer validation and support when your child shares their feelings and [make sure they] feel supported, even when you don’t completely agree with how they feel.”
Additionally, Felder says, staying calm and present is one of the most supportive things that parents and caregivers can do when children are experiencing big feelings. “Children learn how to regulate their emotions by witnessing how we regulate our own,” she adds.
2. Teach emotional vocabulary
Part of the reason a child might resort to screaming or crying is because they don’t know the best way to describe how they are feeling. “Weave feeling words into everyday conversations and experiences,” says Felder. “Talk about your own emotional experiences (e.g. ‘I felt sad when it was time to say goodbye to your cousins’), and share the appropriate ways that you cope with them (e.g. ‘Taking a walk or listening to my favorite music helps me feel better when I’m sad.’).”
Felder says role playing and using emotion flashcards, feelings charts and books can also be helpful in allowing children to learn emotional vocabulary and make connections between facial expressions, body language and the different emotions associated with them.
3. Encourage empathy
When it comes to teaching emotional intelligence to kids, help your child develop empathy by encouraging them to consider other people’s feelings and perspectives. “Have discussions about how different actions or situations can impact others’ emotions,” says Elliott.
Felder also recommends using television shows and book characters as a way to practice fostering empathy. Some questions could include “how did this character’s choice make the other character feel?” or “how might you have handled this tough moment they were in?”
4. Model and teach self-regulation
The best way to teach kids how to respond to situations and manage their mental health is to show them through your own actions. According to Felder, some ways to help kids get in touch with their feelings include:
- Deep breathing (e.g. pretending to smell a flower and blow out a candle).
- Identifying things they can see, hear, smell, touch and taste.
- Drawing or coloring.
- Writing.
- Singing and dancing.
- Physical activity or building something.
McCarty believes it’s valuable to demonstrate emotional coping methods with kids together and show them how to do it independently, too. “This will empower them to know how to resolve conflict and relieve their own anxiety and stressors as they grow into independent adults,” she adds.
5. Provide opportunities for social interactions
Socializing, whether that’s at a playground or in an extracurricular club, gives children an opportunity to practice utilizing social and emotional skills in real-life situations. It also provides them with an opportunity to receive instant feedback.
“Interacting with peers in both structured and unstructured environments allows children to develop their active listening skills, practice turn taking and provides rich opportunities for them to strengthen their awareness of the feelings, perspectives and experiences of others,” says Felder.
In these situations, Elliott says you do not have to control each situation or prevent challenges for them; instead, you can be there as a guide to help them think and problem-solve for themselves when you are not around.
How to navigate roadblocks while teaching emotional intelligence
As with any new parenting endeavor, teaching emotional intelligence isn’t always an easy feat for parents or children. Roadblocks are almost guaranteed to pop up along the way, and that’s OK. The best way to handle these situations is to be prepared for them.
1. Improve your own emotional intelligence
For parents who weren’t raised in a household that prioritized emotional intelligence, it can be hard to foster this in your own family and children. “Grown-ups who struggle with understanding and expressing their emotions or perceiving and responding appropriately to the emotions of others may find it difficult to effectively teach and model these skills to their children,” says Felder. “One way to work towards overcoming this roadblock is to prioritize the development of your own emotional intelligence.”
To support you in better understanding your own emotions and becoming equipped to help your child understand theirs, Felder recommends seeking resources such as:
- Books, like “Conscious Parenting” by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
- Podcasts, such as “Unruffled” with Janet Lansbury.
- Therapy.
- Support networks.
There are also workshops to help adults build these skills. Parenting Pathfinders is a service that connects parents and caregivers with coaching and workshops designed to help them gain a better understanding of their child’s emotions and their own.
2. Prepare kids for peer and societal pressure
Children are easily swayed by their peers, which can make it more of a challenge to have them practice emotional intelligence in their daily lives. “Children may face social situations that challenge their emotional intelligence, such as peer pressure, bullying or conflicts,” says Elliott. “Parents can help by providing guidance, teaching assertiveness skills and encouraging open communication by making sure their child has a safe place to go to when they need support.”
Elliott says ways to help teach kids how to be more assertive include modeling it for them in your own life, using role play with various scenarios they may encounter in real life and teaching them to speak up and make decisions for themselves.
Using and teaching “I statements” can also be helpful when working on being assertive. An example of this type of statement is, “I feel [insert emotion] when [insert situation].”
3. Have realistic expectations
Most parents just want what’s best for their kids, and sometimes that comes along with some unrealistic expectations, even of the most gifted children.
“Each child’s emotional development happens at their own pace. There may be an aspect of emotional intelligence that is particularly challenging for your child to grasp — and that’s OK.”
— Michelle Felder
Not only can high expectations cause unwanted frustration for everyone involved, but they also hinders the appreciation of normal and appropriate progress when raising an emotionally intelligent child.
“Each child’s emotional development happens at their own pace. There may be an aspect of emotional intelligence that is particularly challenging for your child to grasp — and that’s OK,” says Felder. “Some children are born with a higher level of self-awareness and a deeper capacity to empathize with others.”
To meet your child where they are, Felder recommends setting age-appropriate goals that are in sync with your child’s cognitive development and emotional capabilities. Some goals for your child may include being more empathetic, offering more nuanced responses when asked “how are you feeling?” and fostering more positive relationships.
The bottom line on teaching emotional intelligence
Emotional intelligence helps kids better interact with their peers and the world around them, making it a valuable skill they’ll use throughout their entire lives. While some children may be born with more emotional intelligence than others, for many, it’s a skill that has to be practiced and honed. As Felder explains, “Building emotional intelligence is an ongoing process, so be patient, consistent and supportive along your child’s journey of developing these skills.”
