You’ve asked your partner multiple times to make your toddler a snack, and it’s just not happening. Your grade schooler is home from school and whining about their homework. Or your older loved one is complaining about their living arrangement for the third time this week. At moments like these, it’s easy to feel utterly overwhelmed, completely short on patience and thoroughly fed up. While you might feel like taking a step back to understand and recognize your emotional triggers is the last thing you have time for, it can truly be a game-changer for you and your whole family, points out Chelsea Elliott, a social worker, mom, certified emotional intelligence coach and CEO of Sōmōcom Lab.
“We need to normalize emotions,” says Elliott. “Saying the feeling words — not just ‘happy,’ ‘sad,’ ‘mad,’ but feeling ‘vulnerable,’ ‘hurt,’ ‘discouraged’ — and talking about that and going a little deeper than the surface is so important.” Brushing it under the rug will only cause it to fester, she notes. “And if you don’t know the word for [what you’re feeling] or you don’t know how to manage it, it’s going to come out at the worst moment.”
Taking the time to recognize and work through emotions is especially crucial for parents, says Elliott, who adds, “If our kids are seeing us blow up over things, because we’re not talking about it, they’re going to do the same thing.”
Here, four action steps Elliott says anyone can take to bolster their emotional intelligence and self-awareness to make challenging moments easier to contend with.
1. Start with saying how you feel
While it might sound almost too simple, there’s quite a bit of power in naming how you’re feeling, says Elliott. “Literally, just say it out loud,” she explains. “If something is frustrating to you, say, ‘This situation is frustrating to me.’ Or ‘This situation is annoying.’ ‘That behavior is really irritating to me.’”
When you’re modeling this behavior for your child, it helps them understand the difference between what might be going on in a particularly upsetting moment and who they are as a person. “I always tell my kids, ‘It’s not about you as a person — it’s the situation,’” notes Elliott. “Even if you’re contributing to what is happening, it’s not you.”
This can preempt children from internalizing a feeling, such as equating being angry in the moment with being a “bad kid,” says Elliott.
Once they’ve learned how to name their feelings, your child might say something like, “You made me upset right now,” or “I feel angry.” In those moments, you can validate how they feel while still holding your ground. Elliott suggest saying something like, “OK, I have to do what I have to do, but I get it. That made you upset. Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“I’m not going to say a word until I know that my response is going to be helpful and not damaging to who they are as a person. It takes work. It takes patience. It takes a lot of energy. But once it becomes your norm, it just becomes second nature.”
— CHELSEA ELLIOTT, SOCIAL WORKER AND CEO OF SOMOCOM LAB
2. Slow down, and ask yourself three questions
When a situation gets heated, Elliott recommends doing everything you can to slow down and remember you don’t have to react immediately. In fact, you’ll do well to take a step back and go through a three question process. Ask yourself:
- “How is my response going to impact my child?” Will it be helpful for them, build up their self-esteem or break them down?
- “How is my response going to help me?” Will it make you feel better in the moment but like garbage later?
- “How is my response going to help the situation?” For instance, will it cause de-escalation or escalation?
Elliott says these steps can also work when you’re interacting with your partner, an older loved one or really anyone with whom you’re butting heads. She herself has done it so much that she says her family members now know that when she’s really mad, she’s going to “sit and think first.”
“I’m not going to say a word until I know that my response is going to be helpful and not damaging to who they are as a person,” says Elliott. “It takes work. It takes patience. It takes a lot of energy. But once it becomes your norm, it just becomes second nature.”
3. Practice mindfulness
You can more easily tune into your emotional triggers by bolstering self-awareness. One of the fastest, easiest ways to do this is by striving to be more present in your day-to-day.
A few ways Elliott advises working mindfulness into your routine:
- Stand in a doorway or open window, and breathe in fresh air for 30 seconds.
- Search YouTube for a two-minute guided mindfulness lesson.
- Play with your kids without your device close by.
- Do a body scan in which you start at your feet or your head. Check in with how each body part feels, then make a concerted effort to relax that body part before moving onto the next one. “By doing this, you’re better able to understand how you’re feeling and how your body is feeling,” says Elliott. “It helps you to be more aware of the physical manifestations of your emotions, which will help you understand your emotions better.”
4. Keep your cup full with self-care
When you burn yourself out and run yourself ragged, you’re going to be more irritable, frustrated and stressed out, which affects the people and loved ones around you, points out Elliott. “And you cannot take care of other people if you’re not taking care of yourself,” she adds.
“Therapy is the best. Putting money in a savings account is financial self-care. Set a 15-minute alarm, and take a nap. Take a fancy shower with a nightlight on and a shower steamer or good smelling soap and some affirmation music. And it’s like you’re at a spa.”
— CHELSEA ELLIOTT
That said, self-care is a must. And Elliott doesn’t mean dropping lots of cash on expensive retreats or even a deluxe pedicure. “Therapy is the best,” she notes. “Putting money in a savings account is financial self-care. Set a 15-minute alarm, and take a nap. Take a fancy shower with a nightlight on and a shower steamer or good smelling soap and some affirmation music. And it’s like you’re at a spa.”
Elliott points out that many people think that as parents or caregivers, they have to sacrifice their entire being. ”You’re still a human, still a person and your kids are watching your every move,” she says. “So if they see you not taking care of yourself and not being healthy and not doing things that you need to do for yourself because you’re sacrificing your whole life for others, they’re going to think that they have to do the same.”
The ultimate benefit of tuning into and managing your emotions
By naming your feelings, slowing down in heated moments, practicing mindfulness and making time for self-care, you’ll be modeling emotionally intelligent, healthy behavior for your kids and loved ones. As Elliott points out, taking care of yourself in this way shows your kids that they need to take care of — and prioritize — themselves too.
