Whether you’re butting heads with your tween about the best age to get them a smartphone or finding it difficult to enforce boundaries around screen time with your teen, parenting in the digital age is full of big questions and challenges. And if you’re feeling overwhelmed, you’re far from alone, says Jacqueline Nesi, a clinical psychologist, professor at Brown University and author of the popular Substack newsletter “Techno Sapiens.”
“When it comes to technology and social media, in particular, parents don’t necessarily know where to start,” acknowledges Nesi. “For so many parents, this is such a new thing, because it’s not something that they grew up with, and so just even having language and knowing what to ask about and what they need to be educating their kids about can be a struggle.”
At the same time, parents play a major role in setting healthy foundations for kids’ social media and technology use, points out Nesi. “By having lots of open ongoing conversations, parents can make a big difference by setting healthy and smart boundaries around what’s allowed and not allowed,” she says. “And a parent’s own use of technology actually also plays a pretty big role in how young people are using technology themselves.”
That said, read on for five of Nesi’s must-know tips for navigating this often daunting and challenging terrain as a parent.
1. Consider how you’re modeling healthy tech habits for your child
When it comes to other everyday aspects of life, like caring for your health or driving, you’re probably already aware of how you’re modeling certain behaviors for your child. Similarly, you’ll do well to notice your own habits around social media and technology, says Nesi, who acknowledges that’s definitely “easier said than done, because so many of these technologies are designed in ways for us to use mindlessly.”
It’s a case for adopting a more mindful approach when engaging with tech — meaning that you take a moment to be aware of how you’re using it and when it is getting in the way of your daily life and specifically in the way of your relationship with your child, says Nesi. “
“Once we become more aware of what’s working for us and what’s not working for us, then we can start to take steps to set goals around changes we’d like to make,” she explains. “Then, try to stick to those goals. Even just small changes — like setting aside certain times of day to get some distance from your device and making sure you’re present — can make a really big difference.”
2. Kick off conversations about social media by validating your child’s feelings
The fact of the matter is that social media and technology is a huge and often integral aspect of many young people’s lives. For that reason, Nesi encourages parents to approach conversations with the goal of validating their kid’s emotions around tech use. Whether they’re expressing a fear of missing out on having the same device as their friends or frustration around not being able to keep up with their peers if they aren’t glued to TikTok, convey to them that what they’re feeling makes sense and is understandable.
“When talking about technology, there’s really this temptation to very quickly get emotional,” points out Nesi. “And then, for us as parents to want to jump in either to educate or to problem-solve or to even try to just downplay, like, ‘Oh, it’s just social media. It isn’t really that big of a deal.’ But we should be working to approach these conversations [by telling our kids] it’s OK for them to feel the way they feel.”
3. Try to team up instead of squaring off
When your child is pushing boundaries, it’s easy to find yourself dealing with an adversarial, parent vs. child dynamic. But Nesi encourages moving toward an “us versus them” approach, in which you pair up with your child to contend with the insatiable appetite for social media and technology together.
“It can be challenging for all of us to navigate these technologies — that’s true for parents and for teens,” says Nesi. “So partnering with your kids to take steps to use technologies in healthier ways is really important.”
In practice, this could look like trading questions like, “Why can’t you put your phone down?” or “Why do you care so much about XYZ thing on social media?” for talking about challenges related to technology as a family and coming up with a plan for how to address those challenges. For instance, explains Nesi, if everyone’s struggling to manage their screen time, maybe you collaboratively come up with particular times of day that are device-free for everyone (like perhaps everyone puts their phone on Do Not Disturb During dinner) or locations in the house that are device-free.
You can say something like, “I really want us as a family to be spending quality time together. How can we figure this out as a family to make sure that happens?”
4. Give them a sense of control
Not only is it best to offer rationale for rules that you set around technology (like explaining why they are not allowed to get a smartphone or why they can’t use a social media platform at a certain age), but it’s wise to involve kids in setting the boundaries in the first place, says Nesi.
Ask questions like, “What is an appropriate boundary on screen time?” or “What are rules that make sense related to your first smartphone?” and “What’s the consequence if the rule doesn’t get followed?”
“It’s not always possible, of course, but as much as we can, involving our kids in these conversations upfront can make them feel a little bit more bought in,” explains Nesi. “Know that there’s always going to be some pushback, most likely, on boundaries. And that’s OK.”
5. Follow the “5 Ss” to promote overall mental health
“We often hear that time spent on social media is a sort of direct cause for mental health concerns in teens,” points out Nesi. “The truth is just more complicated than that. There are a lot of factors that contribute to young people’s mental health.”
That said, you’ll do well to ensure you have certain basics covered to promote their mental well-being, explains Nesi. She recommends following the “5 Ss”:
Sleep
“Protecting time for sleep means trying to keep phones outside of the bedroom at night to ensure that kids are getting the recommended amount of sleep,” points out Nesi.
Self-care
Make sure that teens are taking the time to do what they need to promote their mental and physical wellness, explains Nesi. That might look like getting a little bit of exercise, eating their favorite meal, or taking a hot shower.
Service
Teens should prioritize activities that take them outside of themselves, whether that’s a simple random act of kindness like helping a sibling with homework or a more formal gig like volunteering, she notes.
Skills
Learning new things, whether through a hobby or an extracurricular, is one of the ways that teens can build self-esteem, notes Nesi.
Socializing
“Teens need time to socialize the old-fashioned way — in person, face-to-face,” she explains.
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The bottom line
When it comes to setting boundaries around social media and technology, many parents are facing ongoing resistance from their kids. While Nesi acknowledges just how hard it can be, it can help to understand that tech is an area of life in which adolescents can naturally assert their independence.
“Adolescents are really working to be more independent from their parents and to build autonomy, and that can lead to conflict — a very normal conflict,” points out Nesi. “It’s actually a healthy dynamic that plays out in families.”
The best way to manage it, according to Nesi: Practice supportive parenting, which means helping your child feel that they are independent, that they are making choices for themselves, and that they’re being treated like adults — while simultaneously creating and enforcing rules, expectations and boundaries that will help to keep them safe when navigating a digital world.
