We all want our children to do well in school. We hope that their infinite potential will shine through, and that they will be prepared to be successful, thriving adults. For many of us, this translates into wanting to be involved in every aspect of their education, from volunteering at their school, to meeting with their teachers — and, of course, helping them with homework.
Parents, I get it. I really do. I understand the instinct you have to hover, intervene and even to step in to put the finishing touches on your child’s homework.
But please: just don’t do it.
Doing your children’s work for them not only makes you look bad, but it sets your children up to have poor work habits. How will they learn to do anything themselves if everything is always done for them? It sends your kids the opposite message than you intend to send. When you tower over them, scrutinizing their every move, they begin to feel like they lack the intrinsic ability to achieve academic excellence. Not only that, but you are setting the stage for schoolwork to become a source of stress and divisiveness.
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It’s not just my opinion: research backs this up. In 2014, researchers from Duke University and the University of Texas at Austin released the findings of a study that looked at parental participation in the academic lives of their kids. What they found was that, regardless of socioeconomic background, highly involved parents did not positively affect their kids’ academic success. In some cases, the involvement backfired, especially once the kids reached middle school, where more was expected of them academically.
And yet, despite the research — and the common sense behind the idea that we must raise our kids to be independent thinkers and doers — parents all over the country just haven’t gotten that message and continue to intervene. Just this past Halloween in Newton, Massachusetts, a group of parents were called out during a window-painting contest when they broke one of the contest rules and helped their children with their artwork.
What could have been a wholesome, child-centered festivity turned into yet another example of parents being unable to keep their hands off of their kids’ work. It shows a frightening unwillingness to just let kids to be kids, including letting their self-expression speak for itself, no matter how “imperfect” it may seem to onlookers.
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So parents, do us all a favor and step back a few steps. Scratch that—step back about a mile. If you want to raise kids to have their own voices, and who are built to take on the world with gusto, grit, and stellar work habits, you need to let them figure some things out for themselves. You need to let them fail sometimes, too.
Think of it this way. Would you want co-workers whose hands have been held their whole lives, and who can’t take personal responsibility for their achievements—or would you prefer to work alongside people who have come to their place of success through their own volition, and who know how to work cooperatively with others to achieve company goals?
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If you want to raise successful, independent and high-achieving adults, start when they’re young. Let them take responsibility to do their schoolwork themselves. You might be surprised — and proud — to see just how very bright and hardworking they can be when left to their own devices.
