“Mommy, don’t go!!!!” The tears, the clinging, the pleading — most parents know the separation anxiety drill. It gives us anxiety just thinking about it. It’s heartbreaking; it’s stressful — and also, it’s completely common.
“Separation anxiety used to be called 8-months-anxiety because that’s the point at which a switch is flipped in the child, and they begin to have certain attitudes toward familiar and unfamiliar people,” explains Jean Mercer, developmental psychologist and author of the blog Child Myths. “For a lot of babies, when they’re 4-5 months old, they’re very social. They will socialize with everyone, whether they know them or not. But often around 7 months, the baby may really check someone out, especially if they’re unfamiliar to them. This is a very normal pattern of human development; it’s just the point at which they really begin to see there is a difference between familiar people and unfamiliar people.”
Of course, as with all things child-related, the timing of separation anxiety isn’t one-size-fits-all — and for a lot of kiddos, it can come and go; namely, when it’s time to head back to child care or preschool after a summer with parents and the rest of the family. While it’s still heartbreaking and stressful when school-aged kids experience separation anxiety, there are a number of things you can do to mitigate it and make for a smooth transition.
How to help a child with separation anxiety at school
1. Make a gradual transition
In a situation that requires any kind of adjustment, it’s best to let the kids experience it in smaller doses. “See if you can schedule a gradual entry into child care or preschool,” Mercer says. “If it’s child care, you might be able to come for two hours and leave together at first, then over time, decrease the amount of time you’re there.” Letting your child experience the transition a little bit at a time can help her cope with the idea of separating from you.
2. Don’t sneak out
Many parents think that if they can leave while the child isn’t looking, the child might not experience separation anxiety. “When you sneak out, then the child gets the impression that they’d better keep an eye on you the whole time,” Mercer says. Be clear about your goodbye and exit. Otherwise your child may be worried that you’re going to disappear without warning.
“When you sneak out, then the child gets the impression that they’d better keep an eye on you the whole time.”
JEAN MERCER, DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGIST
3. Create a farewell ritual
Having a farewell routine can be key; maybe it’s as simple as a hug and kiss, maybe it’s a squeeze of the hand. “If the child knows and understands that this is how you say goodbye and that you’ll be back, they’ll be less likely to panic than if you slip out the door and suddenly they can’t find you,” Mercer points out.
“The passage from mom to caregiver needs to be marked by a clear farewell where you leave, and the child can see what’s happening and is comfortable, and not worried that you’re going to disappear without warning,” she adds.
“The passage from mom to caregiver needs to be marked by a clear farewell where you leave.”
JEAN MERCER, DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGIST
4. Minimize stress before school starts
As much as we all love vacations, try to plan them so that they’re not ending right as a new school year begins. “Coming back from vacations is a stressful time,” Mercer notes. “There are bills to pay, mounds of laundry, etc. That’s probably not going to be a good time to start a child at a new setting. Plan ahead as much as you can to minimize stress and create a calming environment as the first day of school approaches.”
5. Watch yourself — and your emotional cues
“Children can sense when you’re anxious or concerned about something; it’s called social referencing,” Mercer says, referring to the process by which infants and toddlers pick up emotional and facial cues from their parents. So if you’re worried about something, though you may not verbalize it, your child may pick up on that vibe and become anxious. So as anxious or sad as you feel, put on a smile and keep going!
6. Unpack your own emotions
It’s normal to feel worried if a child is starting out-of-home care for the first time — but it’s also important to pay attention to how you personally are feeling about the change. “A lot of mothers are afraid that if the baby settles into the childcare setting and is happy with the provider, that the baby won’t love mom anymore,” Mercer explains. “This is totally not true. Just as you can love more than one child, your child can love more than one adult caregiver. Your relationship with the child is always much more intimate and intense than the childcare provider’s. So you want to see the child be comfortable and happy with the childcare provider; it doesn’t mean the child doesn’t love you too.”
If possible, Mercer suggests arranging for a gradual entry into the child care setting if you’re feeling worried. This way, you “can get to know the people who work there and how you can work together.”
Signs the transition may have been too abrupt
When it comes to gauging how “normal” separation anxiety in a toddler or preschooler is, Mercer says to “see how long it lasts.”
“For most children who are 3 years old or older, within a week they should be able to settle into a new routine,” she says. “Every Monday morning they may resist a little bit, but they’ll eventually come around. Almost all children need to have a gradual transition. Stop in the doorway, go in when they’re ready. But if you have a child who’s never ready to go in on their own, to the point where we have to pick them up and carry them in under protest, maybe that means that the whole thing has been done too abruptly for them.”
In these cases, Mercer recommends enlisting caregivers in helping plan a transition that is smoother for the child. “In a high-quality childcare center, there will be staff on hand that would be thrilled and happy to help you with this,” she says. “It’s what they’re trained for.”
For more information on separation anxiety, Mercer recommends checking out articles on Zero to Three, a national, nonprofit organization whose aim is to improve the lives of infants and toddlers through training and education of parents and teachers.
