Parents often make their kids the center of their universe — devoting their money, time and sanity toward making them contributing members of society. But as their children grow up and begin to tend to households of their own, the dynamic between parent and child is bound to shift. While a parent’s sacrifices are worthy of applause, they don’t make their children responsible for their happiness and well-being. Yet, many aging parents put the onus on their adult children to constantly be there for them.
“Some parents received their main source of validation through their relationships with their children, and although their children have grown and no longer need them in the same way, these adults continue to seek it from them,” explains Niro Feliciano, a licensed clinical social worker, a psychotherapist and anxiety specialist in Wilton, Connecticut.
But no matter the reason the expectation exists, aging parents don’t have carte blanche to your space and time. Here, tips from experts on how to maintain a harmonious relationship with your parents while setting healthy boundaries.
Why some parents become clingy with their adult children
There are many reasons why an aging parent might be heavily reliant on their adult child, either socially, financially or emotionally. If our moms struggled and worked overtime to raise us, they may feel like they get to live vicariously through our success, watching us achieve goals. Parents who felt they had a strained relationship with their child in the past might feel like connecting more as they age is a way for them to get a do-over.
When aging parents expect too much, no matter the relationship dynamic, you have a right to personal and emotional space. According to Feliciano, dependency grows out of a need for validation. She explains, “To express a need then have it met by the child validates that parent’s sense of worth and importance. If it is a single parent, that child may have stepped into the ‘spouse role’ emotionally for them, so that emotional connection was established long ago and continues to play that role for the parent.”
But if you don’t create healthy boundaries with aging parents, Feliciano says resentment can result and the relationship can become very stressful, leading in the worst cases to potentially irreparable damage. Simply put, not addressing your parent’s clinginess can and probably will lead to your parents’ feelings being hurt or you feeling burned out.
Why setting boundaries with needy parents is non-negotiable
You might feel indebted to your parents for all they did for you, but setting boundaries is still necessary. The reason, according to Feliciano: Boundaries nudge the parent to establish healthier coping mechanisms. They’ll be able to address issues like anxiety on their own versus expecting their adult child to handle it for them. But if the child fails to set boundaries, the parent might continue to expect that you will meet their needs, and you could become resentful that your parent is putting this responsibility on you.
These boundaries look different for everyone, but a few common examples include snoozing their calls during the work day or requiring that parents call before they come over. Mom or dad may take offense or push back against any rules you set, but it is highly unlikely that they will give you space if you don’t ask for it.
Sharon Dvir of Voorhees, New Jersey notes that in the last year, she has had to stand firm with parents who are heavily reliant on her. Her father and stepmother misinterpreted what it meant to make her financial and medical power of attorney. “My father and stepmother have assumed that the role goes beyond stepping in if they are incapacitated, and instead, they treated me like a personal assistant responsible for every problem or question they have,” says Dvir. “The tasks range from scheduling doctor appointments to calling their auto loan lender to clarify their current outstanding balance. While they are competent, they find it easier to lean on me to accomplish these tasks, despite my being a full-time single mother.”
At the same time, Dvir’s mother would call multiple times a day and get angry if she didn’t answer. “She’d [say], Are you ignoring me? That’s how you treat your mother? What if it was an emergency?’” She was also pushing to move in with Dvir and visit her at work in order to meet her coworkers.
In cases like this, Alanna Gardner, a marriage and family therapist based in Philadelphia, notes that actions speak louder than words. Adult children need to reinforce and follow through with their boundaries when parents try to push against them. “While it can be exhausting or uncomfortable to have to constantly remind them, they’ll never stick to them if you don’t honor them,” she says.
“While it can be exhausting or uncomfortable to have to constantly remind them, they’ll never stick to them if you don’t honor them.”
— Alanna Gardner, marriage and family therapist
How to set clear boundaries with parents
In order to set clear boundaries with a parent, you need to identify what ways your parents are being overbearing and what specific behaviors are making you feel uncomfortable. Are they calling too much? Do they show up unannounced? Are they showering the kids with gifts that they don’t need? Whatever the problem, they won’t know they are overwhelming you if you are not upfront.
For Dvir, that meant telling her father and stepmother that she can’t be their personal assistant.
But when it came to her mom, Dvir had to take an even stronger stance: not speaking to her for six months, which turned out to be the best solution for their strained relationship. Although she says her mom’s feelings were hurt, they were able to reconnect after taking time apart. “Now we have dinner together on Friday nights,” says Dvir.
Haley Neidich, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist in Saint Petersburg, Florida, reminds her clients that when they are setting boundaries, they are communicating with strong adults and that they need to be wary of infantilizing aging parents. “Walking on eggshells is something that your parents will likely sense and is not positive for your relationship,” notes Neidich.
“Walking on eggshells is something that your parents will likely sense and is not positive for your relationship.”
— Haley Neidich, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist
Instead, you’ll want to give your parents a chance to communicate how exactly they need support. Then, take time to think about your boundaries before you respond, she advises.
How to handle pushback when you set boundaries
Whether you’re setting boundaries or being direct about the needs you can or cannot meet, you might be met with a sense of entitlement. How many times have you been reminded of the hours of labor, tough potty training or costly sports camps? But it’s important to remember that sacrifices that your parent made in the past don’t validate guilt trips — or negate your need to stand firm.
If you’re being met with unflinching resistance, it could be time to call in professional help. Niedich says, “Having a mental health counselor involved for either or both parties can be beneficial, as can joint therapy sessions, which clarify boundaries in a safe space.”
How to help your parents find their own bliss
After being focused on raising a family and perhaps their careers for so many years, some parents don’t have many hobbies or friends. Others might have suffered the loss of a partner. So, when retirement approaches, the parents who were once glad to see us move out now may now have a new void that needs to be filled.
Here are some tips for helping aging adults find a sense of fulfillment and connection:
Think about activities they enjoyed in the past
Neidich recommends encouraging your parents to think about the activities that brought them joy throughout their life. “Then, find a way to incorporate adapted versions of those activities in their lives,” she says. “Nature walks, card games, exercise classes and book discussion groups are all some examples of group activities where new friends can be made.”
If mom enjoys cooking, she may find that a Polish cooking class may help feel proud of her heritage.
Encourage them to try activities their peers are enjoying
When you’re free from daily work and family responsibilities, it’s a great time of life to pick up a new hobby or activity. Encourage your parents to join groups on Facebook or see if they can tag along to your friend’s mother’s swim aerobics class. Your friend may be in the same position and love you for setting up your mothers.
Consider virtual learning or online workouts
A few other resources to help your parents find community, build confidence and decrease anxiety include:
- Udemy or Coursera offer courses from top colleges, which could encourage parents to use their new skills to find a volunteer opportunity or part-time job.
- Brit + Co offers a variety of virtual classes that can help them build business or creative skills. A Classpass membership could be a way for them to try out various fitness classes — in person or virtually.
Discuss the possibility of individual or group therapy
If your parent is struggling with loneliness or depression, individual therapy can also be helpful. However, one study shows that Baby Boomers are less likely to be willing than their Gen X or millennial children to attend therapy — even if it was offered to them for free. Yet, they might need someone to talk to, which is why they could be turning to their adult children as surrogate therapists.
If there is hesitancy or their emotional needs are less urgent, virtual group therapy sessions, like those on Sesh, may be a good start for learning to make emotional connections without you.
When all else, fails, try tough love
At some point, you may have been on the receiving end of your parents’ tough love. Their reasoning was likely that they wanted to make you stronger and help you solve problems on your own. Now it’s time to do the same for them.
In order to do this, it’s important not to rush to meet your parents needs whenever possible, according to Feliciano. “Instead, encourage them to handle things on their own and explain to them why this is in their best interest,” she notes.
The success of every relationship — including those of adult children and their parents — requires that all parties feel respected and heard. In order to get there, Gardner says it pays to be assertive and kind — and to know that standing up for your space is never wrong.
