These days, moms who drink are as celebrated as they are slammed. They’re portrayed as heroines in movies like “Bad Moms,” but frowned upon by experts who highlight the rising percentage of women engaging in “high-risk drinking.” Yet men are almost two times more likely to binge drink than women, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). So, why aren’t we looking at dads’ drinking as well?
One major reason moms who drink are the primary target of shaming and criticism opposed to dads is that society still believes that the female parent must be primarily responsible for child care.
“Although we’ve made a lot of progress as a culture and in households with more shared responsibilities, moms still carry the brunt of the emotional labor,” says Kelley Kitley, licensed clinical social worker, author of “MY self: An Autobiography of Survival.” “There’s a lot of pressure for moms to do it all, and our society has been hyper-focused on all of moms’ behaviors, ranging from working moms to stay-at-home moms, how we parent, body image after baby, etc. Why not throw a microscope on how moms drink?”
Dr. Casey Green, medical director of Greenhouse Treatment Center in Grand Prairie, Texas, agrees that moms are subjected to a double standard. “When a woman is drinking in the household, it is assumed the impact on the children is much greater than that of male drinking,” Green says.
The fact of the matter, of course, is that both fathers and mothers can be impacted by alcohol addiction. A 2018 report from the World Health Organization concluded that an estimated 237 million men and 46 million women worldwide are affected by disorders due to alcohol consumption. No matter if mom or dad is doing the problematic drinking, it’s important to understand how a parent’s drinking can affect a child.
Here, experts weigh in on the negative effects of both moms’ and dads’ drinking habits and how either can seek help if they’re concerned.
Dads’ vs. moms’ alcohol consumption: The facts
Dads’ drinking has always been normalized, which is why there isn’t as much focus on it, Kitley says. Think about how many Father’s Day or dad’s birthday gifts and cards center around beer or how shows like “Mad Men” have shown how swigging whiskey was common workplace behavior for decades.
But normalization doesn’t make excessive drinking among fathers any less widespread or problematic. The CDC reports that about 59% of men have had alcohol in the last 30 days (compared to 47% of women), about 22% of men have engaged in binge-drinking behavior in the last month (almost two times more than women), and 7% of men met the diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorder (compared to 4% of women) in the last year.
It’s true that excessive drinking among women is on the rise. Alcohol abuse disorder increased 83.7% between 2002 and 2013, according to a 2017 study sponsored by NIAAA. But that shouldn’t overshadow or negate the fact that men are struggling, as well.
“Regarding moms versus dads, binge-drinking rates among women are growing, but dads still drink more in the long-run,” says Alex Lee, licensed clinical social worker and director of training at Ria Health in San Francisco. “Men are two times more likely to binge drink and have higher rates of alcohol-related deaths and hospitalization. Men are less likely to seek help due to social norms, reluctance to talk and overall downplay of their symptoms. When you connect the dots, you start to realize daddy drinking is not only common, but an invisible group that has always been there.”
The real impact of parent’s alcohol addiction on children
A mom might be more harshly judged for her wine bar outing with friends than her partner is for his poker night that involves the same amount of alcohol consumption, but when it comes to the impact on children’s mental well-being, it doesn’t matter if it’s mom or dad who is drinking to excess.
“Both parents negative drinking patterns and behaviors can have a huge impact on the household,” Kitley says. “Alcoholism is a family disease.”
These are the ways children and parents might be affected:
Children might believe a parent’s excessive drinking is their fault.
“Children tend to see things more about themselves and have not fully formed various language skills,” Lee says. “With alcohol and parenting, it is easy for children to internalize a parent’s drinking behavior as being because of them.”
Children learn how to confront challenges by watching parents.
“Role-modeling has a significant impact on children’s well-being,” Lee says. “Non-verbal communications set the tone on how to handle conflict, practice self-care and build relationships. If a parent is using alcohol to manage conflict, practice self-care and build relationships, a child can sense that.”
Ben Barrett, a social worker and addictions counselor who writes on “The How to Social Worker,” highlights a potential downstream effect: “Excessive drinking from either parent can teach children to view alcohol as a crutch.”
Parents’ overall well-being takes a hit.
“Symptoms of excessive drinking can involve poor decision-making, impulsive behavior, irritability, interrupted sleep, depression, anxiety, all of which impact parenting,” Kitley says.
What parents should do if they’re concerned about their drinking habits
Lee advises that moms or dads ask themselves three questions:
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“Has a family member come to you with concerns about your drinking?”
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“Do you think more about drinking than family activities?”
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“Has being fully present with family life physically, mentally and emotionally been an issue due to drinking recently?”
He says that a parent who answers “yes” to at least one of the above would do well to speak with their primary health care provider or a specialist in substance use disorders for an evaluation, which can set the stage for recovery.
