When I first signed my twin boys up for taekwondo classes at age 3 as a way to help them burn off extra energy, I wasn’t thinking about the long-term impact it would have on our evenings. But now, three years later, my boys are at the dojo two nights a week, which makes finding time for dinner and bath a struggle on those nights. If that wasn’t enough, now they’re asking to join a Friday night scouting troop.
I’m thrilled they’ve found a sport they love. (Telling them to “save it for class” is my favorite way of breaking up an living room wrestling match.) But between the Tuesday and Thursday classes, their weekend swim lesson and a monthly after-school STEM club, I’m not sure whether adding another activity to the roster is a good idea. And even if we do decide to add scouting to the mix, how will we find time for homework?
We talked to a child psychologist and several parents to get their best advice and tips on how to choose the best extracurriculars for kids, as well as how parents can juggle a busy after-school schedule when they take on multiple sports and/or extracurricular activities. In the end, we found it’s not about picking a one-size-fits-all activity or limiting kids to a magic number of activities. It’s about having fun, knowing how much down time your children and family need, and then doing your best to stay organized along the way.
Whether you’re currently in the calm before the after-school extracurricular storm or you’re smack in the middle of the whirlwind, these tips can may keep you from being swallowed whole.
1. Sign up for extracurriculars with reasonable goals
Have fun. “We reinforce that the number one rule of hockey (and soccer) is to ‘Have Fun’,” says Jenn N., a mom from Minneapolis, Minnesota, whose 9-year-old daughter sings in a choir, attends an after-school advanced math class and plays on travel hockey and soccer teams. “She loves both of the sports, so that is what keeps her going. She’d play every day if she could (and often does). For the math class, she attends with a couple friends and the instructor also makes sure they’re having fun while learning.”
Ask your children to choose. As the ones who are footing the bill and doing the driving, it’s tempting to want to choose our kids’ activities for them. Roseanne Lesack, Ph.D., BCBA-D, ABPP, director of the Child Psychology Clinic at Nova Southeastern University and mom of two, says it’s OK for parents to have a general idea of what sports or lessons our kids should take but urges us to let the kids’ own interests guide enrollment.
“For instance, if you really want your child to take up an instrument, let them have some flexibility in within that realm,” Lesack says. “I have a child who loves performing and being up on stage, so she’s taking guitar lessons so she can be up on stage rocking out.”
Her other child takes piano lessons, which is a better fit for her quieter personality.
“You can have a goal of what you want your child to do, and then let them have some say in what that’s going to look like,” she says.
Consider your finances. An invitation to a select sports team is an honor, but can the family budget handle it? Evaluate what skills and experiences a child will gain versus the impact on the family budget from a new activity before signing up.
Consider the big-picture benefits. Mom Kristina Brune, from Edwardsville, Indiana, spends five to six nights a week (at least) taking her almost 12-year-old son to practice and games for select baseball and hockey teams. Her 8-year-old daughter does karate twice a week, plays soccer and performs in theater productions. She says having busy schedules teaches her kids the value of hard work and commitment.
“We see a lot of growth in them, in terms of learning about responsibility and getting up at 5:30 a.m. even when we don’t feel like it to make a practice or a game,” she says.
2. Get organized so you won’t miss class, practice or games
Pick a point parent. Whenever possible, designate one parent to be in charge of registering children for activities and paying any fees to avoid missing an important deadline or due date.
“I handle all of that because if we both tried, it would be too confusing,” says Brune.
Use a chalkboard or dry erase calendar. An erasable calendar in a central location can help parents and kids know what’s on the schedule and when each week.
Get your phones in sync. If your phone does double duty as your personal assistant, schedule the kids’ activities in your phone and share the calendar with your spouse or any friends and family that transport kids or like to come watch them. Any updates you make will go out to them automatically, saving you the trouble of having to call or text.
“My Google calendar is my lifeline, and my husband actually uses it,” says Jenn N.
Alert yourself. Melody R., from East Haven, Connecticut, has two busy girls. Her 11-year-old sings in choir, attends art classes, is involved in school clubs and is a competitive swimmer. Her 5-year-old takes swim lessons, ballet and art class, plays T-ball and is a Girl Scout. She uses the alerts on her phone’s calendar to help keep track of activities amid her own busy work schedule.
“I set up my calendar on my phone to include reminders that start at the beginning of my day so I am prompted to look at the day ahead — and then to remind me closer to the time, say an hour before and sometimes up to 15 minutes,” she says.
Including notes in the reminders like, “Grab swim bag from trunk!” helps make sure everyone’s on time and has all their things.
Show team apps some love. Brune says subscribing to team apps, like SportsEngine or GameChanger, that many leagues use is helpful for sports because coaches can easily communicate schedule changes. Older teens with cell phones can subscribe, as well, giving them a sense of self-control over their time.
Create a team group text. If the team or class doesn’t use an app, swap contact information with other parents during a practice or class so you can keep each other in the loop when a meeting time changes.
3. Protect your child’s free time (as well as your own)
Set aside dedicated time for kids to unwind. “Parents should be very thoughtful about not stressing the child” Lesack says. “ After my day, I need some time to decompress, and parents should schedule in that time for their kids, as well.”
She encourages parents to include kids in planning their downtime.
“For example, sitting down with them and saying, ‘On Mondays you have swimming, how much time do you think you need to shower and have a snack before you start your homework?’” she says. “Giving them a say in the schedule is helpful so they don’t feel like it’s being dictated by the parents.”
Let excurriculars sub in for after-school care. Melody R. is strategic about the days and times that her daughters do activities. Picking activities that meet during after-school hours where the kids would otherwise be in after-care program helps preserve family time after work.
Use kids’ activity time as “me time.” Parents deserve some fun, too. Listen to an audiobook while watching your kids’ dance class, or use their soccer practice time to take a healthy stroll around the field.
Think about your own needs. “We chose to do kids’ sports and classes on nights where we don’t have busy schedules or commitments to work so that the kids don’t feel the pressure of us and our stress,” Melody R. says.
4. Make a plan to tackle homework
Use study hall to your advantage. Brune says her kids come home with very little homework, partly because her son has learned to utilize his study hall so there’s less to do at home after a game or practice.
Schedule dedicated homework time. Jenn N. says her daughter also tries to get ahead of homework.
“As she’s only 9, she doesn’t have a ton of homework,” she says. “She usually gets it done at school or right when she gets home with our nanny.”
Know your child’s work habits. It might be tempting to think your child can get home at 3 p.m. and bang out all their homework before you have to leave for practice at 3:30 p.m., but Lesack reminds us that not all kids are wired that way.
“I have very different children,” she says. “One can go from activity to activity, come home, bang out their homework and then go to bed, but that’s not how my other kid works.”
She says it’s helpful for some kids to chunk up homework into 20- or 30-minute blocks with 10-minute breaks in between.
5. Give kids some of the responsibilities
Younger kids may need more help. Brune admits she still tracks her 8-year-old daughter’s equipment for her. But younger kids can help with things like getting themselves dressed and filling their own water bottles.
Expand responsibilities as kids get older. Of her 9-year-old daughter, Jenn N. says, “She is in charge of airing out her hockey bag and keeping her soccer stuff together. She recently started doing her own laundry, so the soccer gear is washed by her.”
6. Know when it’s time for an activity break (or breakup)
Let your kids decide. The end of a season or school year is a good time for a “no judgement” conversation with kids about whether they want to continue an activity and why.
Schedule some “hooky” time during school breaks for kids who need to recharge. “We take an overall ‘you’re committed’ approach,“ says Melody. “But within that commitment, we’re also realistic. Over the [Christmas and New Year] break, the kids completely unplugged from everything and all activities.”
Don’t be afraid to skip a game or practice. Brune says she usually encourages her kids to show up for their teammates, but she knows when they all need a break.
“When we’ve had four or five days of practices in a row and then two games and then they want us to come to a practice, those we sometimes skip because we do reach a limit,” she says.
Know when it’s OK to quit. You might have dreams of your child one day dancing on Broadway or signing an NFL contract, but as parents, we have accept when our kids just aren’t enjoying something anymore. It’s OK to quit — and, who knows, maybe you can put those discarded tap shoes to good use yourself!
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