When you’re a parent, you get used to people offering their unsolicited advice on how to raise kids. But one mom has officially had it with people telling her how to parent her sensitive 4-year-old son. Caitlin Fladager, a mom of two from Vancouver, is going viral for a fiery Facebook post that hits back at people who tell her to stop babying her little boy, and she has a powerful message for anyone who thinks boys need to hide their feelings.
I’m so tired of being told I “baby” my son.
Ever since I had him, he’s been a momma’s boy.
Now, with him…Posted by Caitlin Fladager on Friday, October 18, 2019
“I’m so tired of being told I ‘baby’ my son,” Fladager writes. “Ever since I had him, he’s been a momma’s boy. Now, with him being 4, he gets hurt? He runs crying for mommy. He’s sick? He wants all the mom cuddles. He’s overtired and fighting his sleep? I’m climbing into bed with him until he calms down. I’m constantly told I need to let him ‘be a man.’ Or let him learn he can’t cry. Well, I’m here to tell you, that’s a load of sh*t.”
The mom goes on to explain that, despite resistance from other people, she will always validate her children’s emotions and support them because, “I am teaching my kids that their feelings are important.”
This is a focus with her son and her daughter, but she said it’s especially important with her son because boys are so often taught to hide how they’re feeling, and she wants that to change.
“He is my child,” she says. “He is not ‘weak’ or less than for showing emotion and needing me. I am raising him to know men can cry, too. Men can have needs, too. Men can get overwhelmed, too. Maybe if tearful little boys were comforted instead of shamed, we wouldn’t have so many men struggling to emphasize [sic] with emotions.”
Fladager’s post resonated with so many other moms and dads. In less than a week, it’s been shared 29,000 times and has racked up almost 2,000 comments. Many of them are from other parents of sons who support her message completely.
“She is ‘toughening him up,’” one commenter writes of Fladager and her son. “She is teaching him love and coping skills that so many men (and women) have sadly had to learn as adults (myself and my husband included). She is teaching him trust and that it is OK to reach out in your struggles. She is setting him up for good mental wellness. What’s tougher than a person who knows how to ask for help in their struggles?”
Fladager tells Care.com the outpouring of support for her post left her feeling shocked.
“I knew it would resonate with some people, but I didn’t know how many moms were actually feeling bad because of others comments about babying their sons,” she says. “It’s actually a big problem, and I’m glad it’s getting out there.”
Research has shown that the way boys are parented is often different from the way girls are parented, and that could have detrimental effects on how boys experience and express their feelings. A 2014 study found that moms are more likely to have conversations about emotions with their daughters, and this leads to girls growing up more attuned to their emotions and with a higher level of emotional intelligence than boys.
A separate 2011 study showed that when toddler boys don’t have parental support in dealing with negative emotions, they are more likely to become withdrawn and experience anger and social anxiety.
“If you punish toddlers for their anger and frustration or act as if their fears are silly or shameful, they may internalize those negative emotions, and that may lead to behavior problems as they get older,” says Nancy McElwain, a University of Illinois associate professor of human development who worked on the study.
As boys grow up, this pattern of suppressing emotions can continue to affect them in negative ways. In 2017, the University of Indiana published findings that showed men who exhibit stereotypically masculine behaviors — emotional control, dominance, primacy of work, self-reliance, power over women, risk-taking, etc. — have “poorer mental health and less favorable attitudes towards seeking psychological help.”
You’ve likely heard the term “toxic masculinity.” While some think this term is a derogatory way of saying that all masculinity is bad, it’s actually a way of describing social constructs of masculinity that can be harmful to men. The expectation that men shouldn’t cry or show emotions is one of those harmful constructs.
As one writer for the Good Men Project explains in a piece defining toxic masculinity, “What’s the reverse equivalent of a tomboy? The word most commonly used is ‘sissy,’ though there are worse ones. Rather than a badge of honor, acting like a girl is a point of shame. Boys are taught, often as toddlers, and often by both parents, not to cry. They must ‘man up’ long before they can think of calling themselves men.”
Fladager is one of many parents who are working to change the negative stereotypes about what it means to be a boy or a man and to teach her son how to express himself in a healthy way. The fact that so many other parents identify with her post only proves how much change may actually be needed. We all have different ideas about how to raise children, but most parents want their sons and daughters to feel equally loved and supported, to have equal opportunity and to grow up feeling valued and respected as individuals. Being emotionally available and supportive to young boys is just one more way that parents like Fladager are trying to accomplish those goals.
