When a child you nanny is struggling with their behavior and emotions, it’s important to get parents on board to discuss the problem right away. But what do you do if the parents are rarely home, so it’s tough to schedule check-in conversations? This was precisely the dilemma of a nanny on Reddit. After her employers started working crazy hours and one of her nanny kids struggled to cope, she took to the site to ask fellow nannies: How do you bring up behavior issues to parents when there’s no time to talk?
“My NF [nanny family] have been working very intense hours,” the nanny explains in her post. “I don’t see them at all in the morning, and I just see one usually very late at night, long after the kids are asleep. It’s been like this for six weeks, and one of my nanny kids is getting increasingly difficult: yelling, not listening, being rude, pushing back, lying, etc.”
She continues, “Most often, I’m only seeing one of the parents. It also feels weird to bombard them with the nuances after a long day when we both just want to go separate ways and sleep. How would you bring this up to the parents without totally dropping a bombshell text or [talking] super late at night?”
How to have tough conversations with busy parents
In response to the nanny’s plight, other experienced caregivers jumped in with suggestions for talking to parents when time is limited. They offered four simple, direct ways to address the issue while still respecting parents’ time and energy.
“I would opt for a text saying something like, ‘Is there any time in the next couple of days we can go over some new behaviors I’m seeing?'”
1. Schedule a meeting
If there’s no time to talk, then you have to put yourself on the parents’ schedule, one nanny advises. Rather than bombarding the parents with all of the issues in a text, they recommend requesting a meeting and being direct about what they meeting will be about.
“I would opt for a text saying something like, ‘Is there any time in the next couple of days we can go over some new behaviors I’m seeing? I would love to make sure we’re all on the same page with how we deal with these behaviors going forward to create consistency,'” they suggest.
2. Send a weekly recap
One nanny says she sends parents a weekly recap or newsletter at the end of each week, highlighting any issues they had, as well as positive updates on what the kids are doing well.
The message might say something like: “The 5-year-old has been hurting the 3-year-old more often, but I’ve noticed he is gentler if we play 20 minutes of baseball or hockey after school. Have you noticed this behavior recently? The 8-year-old had a positive play date on Tuesday that seemed helpful for her mental health. I think it would be supportive to have another play date soon.”
This makes it easy to keep parents informed about issues they may need to help with, but also gives them positive feedback about what is going well.
3. Talk as soon as the issue happens
Some nannies say it’s better to bring up issues right away, even if that means sending a tough text message or talking as soon as they walk in the door. “I would reach to your preferred parent and just tell them what’s been going on,” they write. “I always phrase it that I’m concerned about [the child’s] behavior and I’m worried about their wellbeing.”
It may seem stressful to bring up the conversation out of the blue, but not doing so could result in a poor work environment and a lot of stress and unhappiness. Even if it’s difficult, it’s better to get those tough conversations out of the way immediately.
“I will frequently send emails and mark them ‘urgent’ or ‘not urgent’ so they know they can read at their leisure if things are hectic at work.”
4. Send an email
A text might feel like the wrong place to write to parents about something complex, so try an email instead. “I will frequently send emails and mark them ‘urgent’ or ‘not urgent’ so they know they can read at their leisure if things are hectic at work,” one nanny writes.
You can also let them know in the email that you’re trying to be understanding of their hectic schedule and this felt like the most efficient way to communicate. “Explain that this was easier than trying to find time for an in person meeting,” the nanny adds.
Remember: nannies and parents are partners
No matter how you choose to discuss behavior and other work issues with your nanny family, the nannies recommend approaching the conversation with honesty, openness and a lot of positivity.
One nanny even recommends using “the sandwich method”: say one positive thing about the child, followed by the negative, then finish with another positive. This way, you’re reassuring the parents that there are still plenty of good things happening and whatever issues exist can be dealt with if you work together.
It’s not easy to bring up problems at work, especially when it feels like an inconvenience, but talking to parents quickly and gently when their kids need a little extra help will keep everyone happy and stress-free.
