Given that babies aren’t born with instructions, it’s not uncommon for new parents to feel underprepared and unsure of how exactly to raise their child. They may decide on a few non-negotiables (like no spanking or deciding they won’t immediately run to their child’s side whenever they fall over). But the rest? It comes with time. That said, there are a wide variety of popular parenting styles, such as the four parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative and neglectful. It’s a good idea for parents to consider and learn about a whole range of styles, particularly if they are interested in exploring different styles of parenting from what they experienced growing up.
While you may have heard of parenting styles like Montessori parenting or koala parenting, the approaches referred to as the four parenting styles are the most well-known, researched and commonly used by parents. Here, we look at what you need to know about these four styles of parenting.
What are the four parenting styles and who created them?
The four most well-known and heavily-studied parenting styles are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful.
Through her Pillar Theory, psychologist Diana Baumrind recognized that children’s behaviour correlates to the way in which they were raised, or rather, the parenting style of their household. From there, she first identified three main parenting styles in the 1960s: authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. Then, in 1983, researchers from Stanford University Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin came up with neglectful or uninvolved parenting, which was then incorporated into what became known as Baumrind’s four parenting styles.
You’ve likely also heard of attachment parenting. That’s a subset of authoritative parenting coined by paediatrician Dr William Sears and his wife, registered nurse Martha Sears.
While there are other parenting styles that people discuss online and in parenting circles, the four parenting styles are the best known and most common.
What to know about each of the four parenting styles
While it’s not always necessary to read every parenting book available, it can be extremely beneficial to learn about a variety of parenting styles. Here are the basics on each of the four parenting styles.
Authoritarian parenting
Authoritarian parenting is when parents attempt to “shape, control, and evaluate their children’s behaviour based on the absolute set of standards,” explains Baumrind in the journal Developmental Psychology. Essentially, this is a parenting style in which parents maintain full control of every situation, with no input from their kids. When you think of “strict” parents, chances are you’re thinking of ones who use an authoritarian parenting style.
Authoritarian parents place very high expectations on children and set exacting rules for their behaviour. There is often little context or explanation for the rules and how to follow them, and children may be harshly punished if they do not do so. They may offer little warmth in the context of the parent-child relationship.
For example, if the household rule is not looking at your phone or tablet at the dinner table, authoritarian parents might respond by taking the child’s device away for weeks, or establishing other strict rules around mealtimes, such as telling them when they can leave the table.
This parenting style can also often be potentially damaging due to its association with power. Parents who are very rigid about their position of control and decision-making power in the home may restrict their children’s ability to think, feel and perceive the world freely as their own individuals. At the furthest end of the spectrum, this parenting style may look like abusive behaviour or severe punishment. It can also involve a refusal to listen, understand and contextualise on the part of the parent.
While children of authoritarian parents know what is expected of them due to having hard and fast rules to obey, it can also work against them. Decision-making may be more difficult for these children as they enter adulthood and attempt to become more independent.
Permissive parenting
If you’ve ever watched an episode of Gilmore Girls, which depicts a mother and daughter who are, or at least strive to be, more like “best friends” than parent and child, then you’ve witnessed permissive parenting, which is when parents allow their kids to make their own choices regularly with few limitations. This style often consists of having few (if any) rules or consequences for the child to follow. Moreover, this may sometimes occur because the parent would prefer to be liked versus making their child do what they know they need to do.
The pitfalls of this parenting style include uncertain boundaries and a lack of guidance for children. A child may believe they don’t want any rules, but this absence of structure can make it hard for them to set boundaries later in life or deal with people saying no to them.
Some examples of permissive parenting include letting kids use their phones whenever they like or not setting expectations around a morning routine.
Authoritative parenting
Authoritative parenting is a blend of the other parenting styles, supported by research and popular for its balanced approach. It involves parents setting expectations for their children but also allowing kids to ask questions and offer their own opinions and ideas around household rules. This parenting style is less about having power over the child and more about helping them to understand the right choices and why consequences exist to keep them safe. This empowers children to make their own decisions as they go through life.
Characterised by firmness and flexibility, authoritative parenting offers a more contextual approach to setting and enforcing rules. For example, if a child gets in trouble at school for climbing trees in the playground at break when they’re not supposed to, the parent might ground them for breaking the rules. But if the child explains their reasoning (for instance, a classmate accidentally got a frisbee stuck in the tree and they were just trying to help), the parent might reconsider the severity of the punishment. Additionally, if the child is new at school and was not actually aware of the rule, or if the child is younger (nursery age, for instance) they might be more willing to offer a warning for this first breach of the rule.
The authoritative parenting style is geared towards listening, connecting and seeing children as people with their own thoughts, feelings and opportunities for growth. One example is having a conversation with a child who wants to stay over at a friend’s house on a school night, something their parents wouldn’t normally allow. A parent practising the authoritative style would explain why the rule exists, and that while they won’t be changing their mind, they want to hear what their child has to stay. They may even relate to how hard it can be when it seems like other kids are allowed to do different things. This can also be an opportunity to negotiate reasonably with your child and take on board anything useful they have to say.
How attachment parenting factors in
Authoritative parenting is similar to the approach of one popular subset of authoritative parenting: attachment parenting, which encourages parents to put the needs of their baby first in order to create the closest bond possible from the start. Based on principles of attachment theory, it’s all about perceiving and responding to children’s needs and creating secure bonds.
While the upside to this subset of authoritative parenting is the formation of strong connections between parent and child, it can also lead to dependency for both parties and can also be difficult to maintain for those with busy work schedules.
Neglectful/uninvolved parenting
A neglectful or uninvolved parenting style is when parents are unable or unwilling to parent their child in a consistent manner with no set rules or consequences and little to no support. It’s similar to permissive parenting, but can entail a failure to meet a child’s basic needs.
Neglectful parents tend to leave children to care for themselves. Often, this style isn’t a conscious choice, but a result of parents being overwhelmed, using drugs, lacking parenting skills or having unaddressed mental health issues. Physical and emotional neglect can result in a child feeling invisible and unimportant, which may well go on to impact their long-term well-being and relationships throughout their lives.
While some experts feel that neglectful parenting can be seen as abusive, it isn’t always the case. Some uninvolved parents still make sure to take care of the most basic needs (food, shelter, etc.), but may simply allow children to parent themselves, believing that it may be in their best interest. They may still love their children and provide emotional support, but at times are simply unable to be present and active in parenting due to mental illness or socioeconomic issues (having to work long hours and being too exhausted to do much parenting when they are at home).
Still, whether or not it’s technically abusive, the outcomes of neglect are usually viewed as just as serious as the outcomes of abuse when it comes to a child’s self-esteem and physical health.
What influences a household’s parenting style?
A parent’s age, culture and own experience of growing up may all impact their parenting style. Other family relationships may also play a part. As parenting practices are learned and passed down, members of certain cultures often take a similar approach to others within their culture. The generation you were born in may also affect how you parent, as trends and expert recommendations shift over time with the emergence of new research.
What are the most common and effective parenting styles?
While there are four main parenting styles to choose from, the one that is most commonly used is also the most effective parenting style nowadays. Studies have shown that authoritative parenting (sometimes also referred to as gentle parenting) is now the most popular among parents, particularly among millennials and Gen Z parents. The blend of rules and routines with a warmer and more flexible approach appeals to families.
Indeed, research has found authoritative parenting to be the most effective, yielding greater academic success, more independence and even fewer mental health issues over time.
The bottom line on choosing a parenting style
It’s not wholly necessary to devour book after book about the four parenting styles. Parents may find they naturally gravitate toward one style or another. However, it’s important that parents or caregivers broadly agree on which approach they’ll take. A lack of consistency can have a negative impact on children.
Parents may consider examining their own childhoods and experiences of growing up. Researching approaches to parenting and attending therapy can help parents avoid falling into repeating unhelpful patterns.
Above all, remember to give yourself a break if you slip up on a stressful day and veer into a style that doesn’t align with your values. As long as you are taking a healthy approach to parenting most of the time and are honest, reflective and communicative with your child, you’re taking the most important steps.
No matter how you start off your parenting journey, reflecting on your behaviours and parenting style is always beneficial for you and your family. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and it’s never too late to make changes as you go along to make sure your children grow up healthy and happy.
