While public acceptance of the LGBTQIA+ community is at an all-time high, there’s plenty of polarization and discrimination out there in the world. It’s also still tragically common for LGBTQIA+ youth to feel unsupported — or worse, be unwelcome — in their own homes.
Whether your child is out as LGBTQIA+ or not, deliberately providing a safe, accepting household is no small thing. Dr. Myeshia Price is the Director of Research Science at The Trevor Project, a nonprofit organization supporting LGBTQ+ youth. “When parents and caregivers cultivate safe and accepting home environments for their LGBTQ children, the impact can truly be life-saving,” Price says.
Price points to The Trevor Project’s new 2023 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ Young People. “It found that LGBTQ young people who had access to affirming homes reported lower rates of attempting suicide in the past year compared to those who did not,” she explains. “However, fewer than 40% of LGBTQ young people found their home to be LGBTQ-affirming.”
Here’s how to defy that statistic and create a home environment that allows your child to feel comfortable as themselves and thrive.
Why affirmation is so important
Rebecca Minor is a gender specialist and licensed social worker whose focus is working with trans and nonbinary youth and their parents. Like Price, she’s seen how affirmation isn’t a “nice to have,” but an imperative.
“Parents and caregivers have an opportunity to cultivate an affirming home environment that could not only allow for exploration but could be life-saving,” Minor says.
“Parents and caregivers have an opportunity to cultivate an affirming home environment that could not only allow for exploration but could be life-saving.”
— REBECCA MINOR, GENDER SPECIALIST AND LICENSED SOCIAL WORKER
What does that look like? Essentially, Price says, an affirming home is a safe space that allows LGBTQIA+ young people to live openly as their authentic selves without fear of judgment. “Our research consistently shows that transgender and nonbinary young people thrive and report lower suicide risk when their pronouns are respected, when their gender identity is affirmed on official documents, and when they have acceptance from adults and peers,” she adds.
Parents of LGBTQIA+ youth who choose to be affirming see the benefits clearly. Callie Glorioso-Mays, a military spouse based in Germany with 10- and 7-year-old children, emphasized the value of inclusivity since her children were tiny, before either were out.
One strategy was ensuring family storytime included books with LGBTQIA+ people, such as one with a two-dad family. When she noticed how many kids’ books featured male protagonists, she sometimes changed the gender of the character and told her kids, “Tonight, we’re reading the book with they/them pronouns.”
This was before she even knew anyone using they/them pronouns, so part of it was for her own practice. “But I also wanted my kids to be more familiar with different pronouns and familiar with the concept that pronouns can change,” Gloriso-Mays says.
Then, her own child came out as non-binary. “People are always surprised to hear that our child told us they were non-binary at the age of 7 and marvel that a child could express that,” Glorioso-Mays says. “But our child had the word and had knowledge of what it meant because we talked about it since they were little. So I think a huge impact has simply been that our child came out and allowed us to know the true them at such a young age.”
Catina Franklin Sweedy is a mom of two in Leesburg, Virginia. Since her 18-year-old came out as nonbinary two years ago, she’s strived to ensure her child feels loved and safe at home, and beyond. Her teen is a moderator on a Discord gaming server with over 900,000 participants, and they receive hateful messages and have to see difficult content.
“When I expressed concern, they told me that because they know that they have a safe foundation with our family, they feel brave and confident enough to navigate these difficult situations,” Sweedy says through proud tears. “They want to protect other LGBTQIA+ people who are more vulnerable and who might not have the love, safety and support they do in our home.” She was moved to see how receiving unwavering family affirmation bolstered their resilience in other aspects of life.
How to create an affirming home for your child
Creating an affirming home is critical when you have an LGBTQIA+ child, but even if you don’t, it can teach your children about inclusivity and will help if they later realize they’re in the community. It may also provide a safe space to others, like friends or relatives, who don’t have support at their own homes.
How to be supportive may seem obvious, but Minor says even parents with the best intentions of affirmation can make mistakes or unintentionally cause emotional harm. “Most caregivers weren’t educated about gender and sexuality and so they repeat patterns of socialization they were raised with without recognizing the potential harms,” she explains. “Anyone raising children is doing so in a very binary world so it takes effort to go against that grain and recognize habitual patterns that uphold the limitations of the gender binary.”
Here are tips from both experts and experienced parents on how to create an affirming home environment:
Start before they’re out.
If you haven’t had a child come out, it’s still helpful to create an affirming environment and teach them about LGBTQ+ topics. Sweedy remembers before her non-binary child came out, they began testing the waters by talking to her and her husband about friends who had recently come out, looking for a reaction. “We celebrated their friends with our child, and let our child know that their friends are welcome and cherished in our home,” she recalls, so they would know it’s safe if they did ever come out.
“I advise parents to remember that activities and toys don’t have a gender and to diversify the history and stories you expose them to.”
— REBECCA MINOR
Avoid gender stereotypes.
“An affirming home invites children to explore, try on new things, dress up, play with both neutral and gender typed toys and is a space where they are exposed to possibilities,” Minor says. “I advise parents to remember that activities and toys don’t have a gender and to diversify the history and stories you expose them to.”
She also discourages perpetuating stereotypes like “boys don’t cry” or “only girls wear pink.”
Offer affirming resources.
Populate your home with items, whether educational, entertainment or decor, that signal affirmation. This could look like putting books with LGBTQIA+ characters on your shelf, having rainbow art in the home or consuming media that’s not always heteronormative. “We look for TV shows and movies that are queer-affirming and celebratory to watch together as a family,” shares Sweedy.
Advocate beyond the home.
Look for ways to help your child experience affirmation outside the home too. Perhaps talking with teachers or healthcare providers to ensure the child’s identity is respected, or setting boundaries with unsupportive relatives. Recently, ahead of her child’s dentist appointment, Sweedy called ahead to ensure the practice would respect their pronouns (they did). “My LGBTQIA+ child already faces challenges in this world, and I would like to do my best in creating a safe space for them in the places that I am able to so that I can ease their burden a bit,” she says.
Allow free expression.
Parents want to protect their children from harm at all costs, says Price, and knowing that LGBTQIA+ people can face mistreatment or discrimination, parents may be fearful for their kid. “This can result in parents trying to stop their children from expressing themselves in a way that is true to who they are,” Price says. “Ultimately, not allowing your child to be themselves causes inadvertent harm by the very person who intended to protect them — you. The best way to support your child is to give them the freedom to live openly just as they are.”
Be a visible ally.
Sweedy says she and her husband show their support and affirmation for their child outwardly as much as possible. This includes things like hanging pride flags outside their home, having an equality bumper sticker on their car, going to Pride parades and festivals as a family and displaying her pronouns online. Glorioso-Mays has also seen how going to Pride or LGBTQIA+ events as a family has boosted her child’s confidence, and she’s loved watching her younger child become her nonbinary child’s fiercest defender of their sibling.
Have periodic check-ins.
Glorioso-Mays says she got the idea to do regular pronoun check-ins as a family from Kyl Myers, author of Raising Them. “So sometimes as I’m putting the kids to bed, I’ll just say, ‘Hey, I’m just checking to see what pronouns are feeling good to you right now? Want us to try anything different?’” she explains. Sweedy takes a similar but broader approach; she says she and her husband make sure to occasionally ask their child, “What do you need from us and what can we do better?”
“We let our child know who the other caring adults in their life are who they can go to if they do not feel comfortable going to us with any problems or concerns.”
— CATINA FRANKLIN SWEEDY, A MOM OF TWO IN VIRGINIA
Foster a supportive community.
It takes a village. While it’s hard being a military family, Glorioso-Mays says, she enjoys building community and being involved in her childrens’ activities. With the goal of affirmation, she gets to know the staff and educators, plus other families involved in the child’s school and organizations.
“We are very open about who our kid is and the fact that we are affirming,” Glorioso-Mays says. “It brings me a lot of comfort to know that there are teachers and friends who will correct others if they use the wrong pronouns, who will come to my child’s defense, and generally just look out for them! As we educate people, they go on to educate others.”
On a similar note, Sweedy adds that in addition to building a supportive community, “We let our child know who the other caring adults in their life are who they can go to if they do not feel comfortable going to us with any problems or concerns.”
Pursue your own learning.
Your child can be a great source of information, but it can relieve some pressure — and show additional affirmation — when you do your own education. Sweedy says she and her spouse found it important to “do our own research to learn more about parenting a LGBTQIA+ child, so that the burden was not entirely on our child to educate us.” She adds that when they would learn new things, they would tell their child and ask for feedback.
Minor adds, “Most parents want to affirm their kids’ identity and create room for them to explore but simply don’t know how. I created a course to meet this very need called How To Talk To Kids About Gender; Essentials for Parents and Caregivers to prepare for the conversations that matter.”
Creating a LGBTQIA+-affirming home: The main takeaway
If you’re new to the LGBTQIA+ world and feeling overwhelmed or uncertain, that’s OK. What matters is that you support your kid, and you’re trying your best to affirm them (and for that, this formerly closeted queer kid sincerely thanks you).
“Parents and caregivers don’t need to be experts in LGBTQ identity to support their child,” says Price. “Start by listening with an open mind, practicing empathy, and seeking resources from national organizations like The Trevor Project and your local LGBTQ community center.” And make sure you’re taking steps to connect with parents in similar situations so you can also feel supported on your parenting journey.
