Just like pop culture, jeans and hairstyles, parenting is always evolving. What we used to think of as appropriate, effective discipline and bonding techniques have shifted. Take, for instance, spanking. The New York Times reports that corporal punishment has been on the decline for 50 years. Last year, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released a definitive policy statement, telling parents not to spank because corporal punishment has been linked “to an increased risk of negative behavioral, cognitive, psychosocial and emotional outcomes for children.”
“The parenting paradigm has changed over time,” says Bonnie Compton, a child and adolescent therapist, parenting coach and author of Mothering With Courage. “The pendulum has swung far and wide, from ‘do it because I said so … I’m the parent’ to permissive parenting — and from parents holding children responsible for their behavior to helicopter parenting. Parenting has evolved, and parents are more conscious than previous generations.”
Compton points to two overarching trends that are on the rise: “What often has been dismissed is the importance of connection with children, as well as the value of looking at misbehavior as a teaching opportunity, rather than something to fix or control.”
Here are seven common parenting methods that have gotten expert-approved modern makeovers.
1. Old-school strategy: Timeout
The concept of putting a child in timeout for misbehavior dates back to 1969, when American psychologists suggested parents try it as an alternative to spanking or being hit with a ruler by a teacher. In the the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, experts suggested that if children were to engage in “unacceptable” behavior, the punishment should be social isolation — aka timeout. The discipline tactic has been used ever since.
Parents and experts have found that there are definitely drawbacks to the time-honored method. For one thing, children aren’t learning much from the experience. The point of timeout may be to encourage a child to reflect on their misbehavior, but they’re more likely to dwell on feelings of anger. At the same time, kids’ brains aren’t developed to the point that they can actually engage in the kind of self-reflection timeout is meant to promote.
Pediatrician Nadia Sabri points out in a Washington Post article on the subject, “Kids don’t have the advanced cognitive skills to think abstractly. Emotional modulation and regulation occurs with development of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain which doesn’t fully develop until adolescence.”
Modern makeover: Time in
The alternative to timeout is the time-in strategy, which has been described by Sue Lively, an elementary school teacher and parent who writes about positive parenting. Parents should take a breath or two themselves and then move the child to a neutral location, like the couch or a dining table. The parent should think about the underlying reason the child is acting out, then acknowledge that, as well as the child’s emotions.
Compton advises parents say something like that, “You seem really angry about …” or “You looked very frustrated,” which will help a child identify and label their feelings. Then, ask “What’s the REAL problem here?” The aim of time in is for a child to vent, work through their emotions, and then move past them. Finally, you’ll discuss why the misbehavior is unacceptable and what the child can do to make up for it, if necessary.
Caitlin Devan, a mom of two from Lake Wylie, South Carolina, has found the method works well for her 4- and 2-year-old daughters. “I would see my 4-year-old doing something that was totally inappropriate, and I would remove her from the situation. I would be like, ‘What are you feeling right now?’ or ‘You look really angry right now.’ It’s like teaching them any other vocab skill. They need to feel it, validate their feeling and learn what it is with the right label, and then, they’ll start using their words. My daughter knows she can verbally express these big emotions to me instead of physically express them towards others.”
2. Old-school strategy: Believing you’re responsible for your child
For decades, parents were told that they are responsible for their child. But this has created a situation in which mothers and fathers are being set up to parent from an anxious place. After all, Compton asks, if you’re responsible for your child, does that mean you’re responsible for their behavior, grades, their marriage as they get older?
“If you feel as a mom you’re responsible for their grades, what if they don’t study for a test?” Compton says. “It’s gonna ramp up your own anxiety, and you’re going to want to try to control your child and make sure they study.” This is a lose-lose for parents and kids.
Modern makeover: Believing you’re responsible to your child
This subtle shift, which originates from Scream-Free Parenting by parenting expert and licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) Hal Runkle, urges parents to think about being responsible “to,” as opposed to “for” their child.
“You are responsible to provide a warm loving home, food, shelter, you’re responsible to them to manage your own emotion, to have a healthy marriage or partnership [if you’re attached],” Compton notes. “When you begin to look through that lens, you can actually breathe a little bit.”
Plus, reframing responsibility in this positive parenting way will positively impact kids by motivating them to learn independently, make healthier choices and to take responsibility for themselves.
3. Old-school strategy: Bribing for good behavior
Even though most parents would agree that it’s ill-advised to bribe your little one to behave, it’s a method many parents find themselves using out of desperation or as a last resort. The truth is that rewarding for a job well done is something parents should be doing, Compton says. After all, when your child grows up, they’ll be receive a paycheck for their work. But there is a danger of the method being overused, and no parent wants to create a “gimme monster.”
Modern makeover: Conscious rewarding
Instead of rewarding for every little soccer practice attended or household chore completed, “use rewards sparingly when you’re trying to help a child change their behavior,” Compton advises. Examples might include working toward a major goal like calming on themselves down, bringing a grade up in a particular class or staying in their own bed at night.
Devan explains that her eldest daughter was rewarded with stickers and small pieces of candy for toilet training. “We said let’s do a sticker chart,” she says. “We’d give her a sticker every time she went on the potty successfully. When she filled up a row, she got to have a piece of candy — a chocolate chip or a gummy bear.”
Compton likes smaller, less material rewards like stickers, extra fun time with Mom and Dad, or a simple but powerful compliment. “We all want to be acknowledged,” Compton explains.
4. Old-school strategy: Ordering children to apologize for misbehavior
It seems like a no-brainer: If your little one has hit their sibling or taken a friend’s toy, you point out the misdeed and then tell them to say they’re sorry. But experts are finding this time-honored discipline tactic isn’t necessarily the best bet.
“Any time parents force their child to apologize, it becomes a power struggle,” Compton notes. If a child wants to say they’re sorry, that’s one thing, but forcing them to is another. The problem is that if they’re too young, they haven’t yet developed emotions like compassion and empathy that make an apology sincere.
Modern makeover: Make it a teaching opportunity
Instead of forcing an apology and trying to control your child’s behavior, consider using the moment as an opportunity for learning. Compton suggests having a conversation like, “I get that you get frustrated with your brother. I’m curious what you could do differently?” They may say they don’t know, but you can continue engaging them and encouraging them to zero in on a more productive response when they get frustrated or angry.
“Use it as a teaching opportunity to help them choose responsible behavior next time,” Compton says. “So, you’re not controlling them you’re teaching them and guiding them through their decisions.”
Devan has found that this works for her 4-year-old, explaining, “If I immediately say, ‘‘Tell your friend you’re sorry,’ she’s not getting anything from that. She’s just parroting my words. If I tell her to think about her actions, think about how it affected her, how it affected her sister or friend, what she should do now, then she’ll choose to apologize on her own, and it’ll come from a more genuine place.”
5. Old-school strategy: Having an agenda
Many parents feel like signing their kids up for playdates, activities, sports, music lessons, tutoring and anything and everything in-between will bolster their success and happiness. But forcing an agenda can backfire, Compton warns. Overscheduling makes for supremely stressed-out parents — and then, kids pick up on the stress, she says.
“When your agenda outweighs your connection, there’s an imbalance, and you begin to see behavior issues,” Compton points out.
Modern makeover: Making room for connection time
Although there are always going to be to-dos to check off the list, parents would do well to put more weight into unorchestrated family time. “Just hang out with them,” she says. “You don’t have to teach, preach, control anything. You’re just playful.” This organic bonding time not only helps children feel acknowledged and seen, but it often serves to remind parents of misbehaving children that their kids are not their behavior.
Misha Birmele, a father of one from Pasadena, California explains what connection time with his daughter looks like: “We’ll play board games like Candy Land, draw, play with dolls. I like to do rock baths. While she’s playing in the tub, I get to introduce her to rock ‘n roll. Hopefully, something will seep in that’s not ‘Baby Shark’!’”
“That ‘soft time’ gets you through the hard times when they’re acting out,” Compton says. After all, they will act out again. But with more connection time, perhaps they’ll do so with less frequency. Compton notes, “Research has shown kids who feel more connected to their parents are more willing to follow their guidance.”
6. Old-school strategy: Plain old yelling
Losing your cool and raising your voice isn’t exactly a parenting method that any mom or dad plans on deploying, but it is one that can happen when a child misbehaves or has an accident.
“Getting angry when your child is angry, being out of control when your child is out of control, does not help the situation,” Compton notes. At the same time, a 2014 study in The Journal of Child Development found that yelling produces results similar to physical punishment in children: increased levels of anxiety, stress and depression along with an increase in behavioral problems.
Because children pick up on your energy — Compton calls them “little energetic sponges” — it’s best to do what you can to cool yourself off before addressing a child’s misstep.
Modern makeover: “Calm is your superpower”
Compton likes and has coined a method she calls “calm is your superpower.” “The one who stays the calmest in the room often is much more effective than others who are reacting or trying to get their point across,” she says. “When you remain calm as a parent, you are modeling for your kids how to regulate their own emotions. And you’re building your own emotional muscles.”
It bears noting that using the “calm is your superpower” method definitely doesn’t mean you bite your tongue altogether, Compton points out. Instead, it means you take a few deep breaths, calm yourself down and then aim to respond to your child as opposed to react.
Birmele has found success with this approach. “The hardest thing about parenting is that it takes patience and self-work,” he says. “I set the tone as the biggest person in the room, and I know my 5-year-old is taking cues from me. If I’m irate, she’s going to be irate. If I calm down, she’ll try to match me subconsciously. So, when I need to correct her behavior, I really have to first calm down myself before I can actually sit down and do the hard job of explaining why I need her to stop doing what she’s doing. I ask in a way that’s calm and simple enough that she can repeat it back to me. If she can’t repeat it back, she didn’t get it.”
7. Old-school strategy: Shaming
In the past, parents would use shaming as a way to correct their child’s bad behavior, and even in the past decade, examples of parents engaging in public and/or online shaming of their children have gone viral. Even if they’re not uploading shaming videos to YouTube, Compton says parents might be unwittingly using this method by responding to misbehavior with statements like, “What’s the matter with you?” “What’s your problem?” or “Can’t you see I’m on the phone/working/busy?”
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) classifies shaming as psychological maltreatment, or a “a repeated pattern of damaging interactions between parent(s) and child that becomes typical of the relationship.” Any of these patterns can lead to a child feeling “worthless, unloved, endangered or as if his or her only value is in meeting someone else’s needs.” Plus, Compton says these negative shaming messages can stick with kids well into adulthood. “We see a lot of wounded adults who didn’t receive healthy messages,” she notes.
Modern makeover: Mindful messaging
Avoiding shaming can be as simple as being really mindful of your words and your messages that you’re sending kids, Compton says.
One example: Say a child is repeatedly hitting his sibling. “Say something along the lines of, ‘You seem to be having a hard time keeping your hands off your brother,’” Compton suggests. “Go into the consequences of doing that.” Then, when cooler heads have prevailed, you can have a conversation and discuss how the child might have responded in a healthier way. Ask questions like, “What could you have done differently?” “What will you do next time?” and “How can I help?”
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