All kids get angry sometimes. In fact, even babies express anger and frustration through crying! But, by learning about anger management in children, you can prepare yourself and your child’s caregivers to handle their occasional outbursts. This will allow you to make your home a more peaceful place and decrease the chances that your kid’s emotional response won’t blow out of control.
Here are 11 expert-recommended tips on how you can help your child manage his anger:
- Ask Your Child What She Is Hoping to Gain by Acting Out
“When your child is acting out in anger,” you should “ask the magic question, ‘What is it you want that you’re trying to get by [insert behavior]?'” says Dr. Nancy S. Buck, the founder and president of Peaceful Parenting Inc. and author of “How to Be a Great Parent: Understanding Your Child’s Wants and Needs.”According to Dr. Buck, once your child has identified why she has engaged in the unwanted behavior, which may include “hitting, yelling” or “throwing a tantrum,” you should ask, “If we can find a way to help you get what you want responsibly and respectfully, would you be willing to follow the rules?” Once your child agrees to these conditions, you should figure out a solution together, says Dr. Buck.
For instance, if your child was acting out because she wanted to play with a toy that a sibling was playing with, you could encourage your children to take 10-minute turns playing with the toy in question. This process encourages your child to learn problem-solving skills.
- Teach Appropriate Expressions of Anger
You “don’t want to communicate” to your child that “it’s bad to be angry,” explains Dr. Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at The New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and the author of “Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back.”Instead, you need to teach your child how to handle his anger appropriately so he doesn’t feel overwhelmed with anger and create problems for himself, says Dr. Saltz. For instance, you should explain to your child that talking about angry feelings is safe and appropriate while acting out in violence is not.
- Teach Self-Soothing
Coping mechanisms play an essential role in dealing with anger. As such, you should help your child find a soothing behavior that she can use to calm herself down. These behaviors may include taking three deep breaths, counting to 10 or snuggling in a chair with a stuffed animal or blanket. Once your child finds a soothing behavior that works well for her, you should remind her to engage in that behavior in moments when she is overcome with anger.
- Shift Your Energy Onto Something More Positive
When anger escalates, you and your child should engage in an activity that has nothing to do with the source of conflict, recommends Dr. Buck. For instance, you may want to “dance it out” or “go for a walk” together as a way to take a step back from the problem at hand. A simple distraction may be enough to resolve the anger and move past it.
- Be a Good Role Model
Kids will mirror your behavior — both good and bad — so it’s important that you manage your own anger effectively. “What you model at home has a huge impact,” says Dr. Saltz. If you’re losing your cool on a regular basis, your child will likely do the same.
- Take a Break
If tensions are high, you should not be afraid to walk away and come back to the negative situation later. By giving both you and your child an opportunity to calm down and reflect on your own, you will create a situation in which you can discuss the problem at hand without hostility, hurtful words or tantrums.
- Avoid Negative Reinforcement
According to Dr. Saltz, “punishing your kids for an angry outburst tends to be less effective than encouraging them for appropriately dealing with anger.”
- Use Positive Reinforcement
Dr. Saltz recommends that you use positive reinforcement to reward your child when she manages her anger appropriately. For example, you may decide to reward her for using “words instead of throwing something” when she’s angry. You could even keep track of this positive behavior through a platform like a sticker chart. By allowing your child to work toward earning incentives like a family dinner at a favorite restaurant or a special toy, you can keep her motivated and on track until the new skill becomes a habit.
- Validate Your Child’s Feelings
Sometimes simply acknowledging your child’s feelings can help him understand where the anger is coming from and calm down. For instance, if your child is acting out because his favorite toy is on the fritz, you could “say something like, ‘I see you’re angry your toy is broken. That would make me angry too.Come talk to me when you have calmed down, and we will come up with a solution,’ and then walk away,” suggests Dr. Buck. As long as your child is in a safe environment where he can’t hurt himself or others or damage anything, you should allow him to cry or have a tantrum for a period of time. According to Dr. Buck, you should not try to talk to your child until he has calmed down.
- Stay Calm
When your child’s anger escalates, it’s easy to feel angry and frustrated yourself, but approaching the situation with negativity will only make matters worse. “Be calm and don’t respond to anger with anger,” stresses Dr. Saltz.
- Seek Help
If you feel that your child’s anger is out of control, you should seek professional help. If she is punching walls, damaging property, hurting herself or hurting others during tantrums, intervention is necessary. Likewise, if you can’t control your own anger, especially when dealing with your child, you should seek help. According to Dr. Buck, “anger is a family affair.” As such, anger management skills will benefit your entire family.
For more tips on anger management in children, check out Parenting an Angry Kid: What to Do When Your Child Seems Too Angry.
Victoria Georgoff is a freelance writer and psychotherapist who enjoys writing about parenting, helping other parents and, of course, being a parent herself.
