Every parent wants to give their kids the tools to be kind and thoughtful, along with the ability to take responsibility for their actions, but real talk: Kids push their parents’ buttons on the daily, making the “imparting knowledge” part of parenting astonishingly difficult at times. (Ever tell your child they’re not going to watch TV ever again if they don’t stop doing something? Then you know.)
Of course, kids are never going to stop being kids, so expecting their behaviour to change by sheer force of will is pretty much the definition of insanity. On the flip side, when parents personally alter how they approach difficult situations, they may be able to change some of their kids’ behaviour while giving them important life skills.
The technique? Conscious Discipline, an approach developed by Becky Bailey, a clinical psychologist and teacher who encountered a “broken system” after years of working with students, teachers and parents. At its essence, Conscious Discipline is a framework of structures and skills designed to support adults so they can create a model for their children to follow. It’s all about living consciously and leading by example.
But what is Conscious Discipline exactly, and how can the ideas put forward by Becky Bailey and others in the field help you? While Conscious Discipline in the classroom is increasingly growing in profile and significance, you may be more interested in knowing how to deploy the skills closer to home. Here’s expert insight on what could be a game-changer for your family.
What is Conscious Discipline for parents?
Conscious Discipline for parents is an approach that emphasises the importance of adult self-regulation in modelling and teaching children effective emotional management and conflict resolution. It shifts the focus from traditional punitive methods to understanding and changing the adult’s behaviour as a means to guide children positively.
A far cry from the days of “kids ought to be seen and not heard”, Conscious Discipline is a method that tackles adults’ behaviour in order to show — not tell — children healthy ways of dealing with conflict and difficult situations This mindful, self-aware approach is designed to show kids it’s possible to act with care and intent. Parents and children alike are encouraged to observe situations and notice what’s going on rather than engaging in a reactive, “kneejerk” response.
The part of the brain that holds our values, problem-solving skills and — ahem — composure is the prefrontal cortex, and it often seems to check out when you’re seeing red after something your child did, making it nearly impossible to pull out tools that are helpful. Instead, you might yell, dole out a random punishment or even say something you regret. While this may curtail difficult behaviour in the moment, this type of discipline doesn’t work long term.
A better solution? The goal is to figure out effective tools when you’re not in a blind range and then use techniques that help calm you when you’re getting worked up so you can pull out said tools. Children tend to respond to their parents’ emotional state — so if you’re feeling unregulated, ungrounded and all out of whack, they’ll struggle to regulate their emotions too. Instead, breathe deeply before approaching the situation on a calmer, surer footing.
How do you use Conscious Discipline in the moment?
Almost everyone knows that having an emotional outburst in response to kids’ behaviour isn’t effective. But how — pray tell — can parents consistently remain calm, measured and in a state to teach (the best way to curtail unwanted behaviour) when kids can get under parents’ skin like no other? When you feel your heart rate starting to rise, experts recommend doing these three things to calm yourself down so you can best handle the situation:
- Smile. A broad grin might not be the most appropriate response to the situation — but a small smile can send a signal to your brain that it’s OK to relax.
- Breathe. The more oxygen you get, the calmer you’re likely to feel. So breathe deeply before you do anything.
- Relax. Gradually tensing and relaxing your muscles with awareness can help release tension and switch off any fight or flight response.
Using these tools in a conscious and mindful way can help you access them again and again when difficult situations arise. After all, our brains struggle to distinguish between real and perceived threats or physical versus psychological ones (hence your clenched jaw, ragged breath and rising heart rate when you start getting angry). The more awareness you have in difficult moments that this is what is going on, the more capacity you have to change your actions.
What is the purpose of Conscious Discipline?
There are huge benefits to Conscious Discipline for parents and children alike. Being more conscious and coming from a place of wanting to problem solve and impart knowledge doesn’t just eliminate power struggles and help make days more pleasant. It also gives kids valuable life skills.
According to the organisation’s website, the purpose of Conscious Discipline is to “offer solutions for social-emotional learning, discipline and self-regulation … Once instilled, these essential skills will last a lifetime and positively impact generations to come.”
How can giving consequences work better than punishment?
While a good chunk of Conscious Discipline is about parents and caregivers regulating their emotions and reactions, there also are consequences — not punishments — for kids.
Unlike traditional punishments (taking away the iPad), consequences help children take responsibility for their actions and understand how their behaviour affects the world around them (Conscious Discipline places consequences into three categories: Natural, Logical and Problem Solving). There are a number of Conscious Discipline printables that outline the differences between punishments and consequences, but ultimately, consequences teach kids how to problem solve while punishments make them feel bad for having them. Children can develop fearful and negative associations with punishment, which precludes learning and prevents them from developing new approaches as a result of their mistakes.
What are the Core Components of Conscious Discipline?
Before children can heed the message of any type of consequence, parents and caregivers should make sure kids feel both safe and connected (to either their parent or caregiver). In Conscious Discipline, there are three Core Components:
- Safety. When kids are overwhelmed or engaging in negative behaviour, parents and caregivers should first make sure they feel safe. This addresses their fight, flight or freeze reflex, which makes learning impossible while activated. (More on this in a bit.)
- Connection. Next, parents and caregivers should make sure children’s emotional needs are met and that they feel loved.
- Problem solving. Once kids feel both safe and connected, they’re in a place to problem solve, make better choices and figure out what they can take away from the situation.
What key areas should adults focus on?
In addition to the Core Components, in Conscious Discipline there are the Seven Powers for Conscious Adults. Focusing on these key areas helps parents and caregivers remain calm and in control during challenging times. The powers and their goals, which aim to help with self-regulation, are as follows:
- Perception. Goal: Taking responsibility for your own upset.
- Unity. Goal: Offering compassion to others and to yourself.
- Attention. Goal: Creating images of expected behaviour in a child’s brain.
- Free Will. Goal: Learning to connect and guide instead of force and coerce.
- Acceptance. Goal: Learning to respond to what life offers instead of expecting things to go your way.
- Love. Goal: Seeing the best in others in order to stay in the higher centres of your brain (so you can consciously respond).
- Intention. Goal: Teaching a new skill rather than punishing others for lacking skills.
How is a safe place used in Conscious Discipline?
When kids are out of control and are having a hard time managing their emotions, Conscious Discipline advises going to a safe place to calm down — hence, safety is a Core Component.
A safe place for parents and caregivers first
Before anything, though, parents and caregivers need to regroup and go to their safe place. The one place you may not be bothered? The bathroom! It’s a great spot to take a moment for yourself where you’re likely not to be disturbed. Stand before the mirror, breathe, smile, and try to think positive and kind thoughts before you re-emerge into the family dynamic.
A safe place for the child
Once you’ve regrouped, take your child to their safe place, which could be anywhere from your lap to a bean bag chair — as long as they find it soothing on an emotional and sensory level. When kids have a space where they feel safe, it will help them relax and, eventually, problem solve.
Having a safe place is different from its (very) distant cousin, time out, as the former helps kids feel safe and loved, while the latter, depending on how it’s done, leaves them to deal with their emotions on their own. Parents often give their child a “time out” in anger, which conveys a sense of isolation as a negative consequence of “bad” behaviour, rather than necessary solitude that helps kids calm down and work things out in their own heads.
Other key components of using this safe space method are as follows:
- Teach kids different ways to stay and become calm in everyday situations to help them manage their emotions.
- Create safe surroundings for your children to work on these new habits and approaches.
- Take the child to their “safe space” as a physical cue for calming down and tapping into the new strategies they’ve developed.
Additionally, when a child is in their safe place, it’s a good opportunity to label what they’re feeling, so they better make sense of what’s happening. This is a useful way to help children develop and enhance the cognitive models they have for their behaviour and relating to others.
What are some examples of how to use Conscious Discipline?
Conscious Discipline can help in almost any situation, but may look different depending on the child and the scenario. Here are a few ways to use Conscious Discipline in challenging scenarios.
Hitting
When one child hits another, first make sure the victim is OK. After that, ask the aggressor “the why” behind their behaviour. Make it clear that the action they took was unhelpful and caused harm, but don’t single them out as a bully. Try to dig into why they felt they needed to do what they did, and help them work out a healthier, kinder way to communicate. This helps them develop constructive ways to approach their actions and relate to other people.
“Mean” behaviour
For younger kids, who can’t necessarily explain why they did what they did, you may have to talk for them so they better understand how they’re feeling. Instead of starting from a place of shame, use the moment to help them explore their own emotions. Find out what they were feeling in the moment, help them put it into words, and then work together to find a way to express their feelings without hurting anyone in future — whether it be hitting a pillow instead of another child, writing their thoughts out in a journal instead of saying mean things aloud, or talking things through with a trusted adult.
Not listening
Every parent has been there. You tell your child to walk on the sidewalk, but instead they run, then boom! They fall and get hurt. Should you say: “See? I told you to walk!” No. Instead, Conscious Discipline recommends saying something like: “Oh no, you were running on the sidewalk and then you fell. That must have hurt. Let’s get you a Band-Aid.” The thinking is that the natural consequence will be the lesson in and of itself.
Are you going to get it right every time? Of course not. But even when you don’t, you can use tools inspired by approaches to Conscious Discipline for parents to recover. Remember: when you feel out of control, you have the capacity to calm down and attend to your own emotions. If your children observe you self-regulating in this way, they may learn something from you, too.
