Your child comes home upset about something that happened at school — maybe someone made fun of them; maybe the teacher said something offhand that upset them a little; maybe they even had to wait a bit to use the toilet. As parents, our first instinct is to send an email, sometimes a “strongly worded” one, to work out exactly what happened. But, as a former secondary school teacher who taught for 10 years, I was on the receiving end of such emails often enough to know what to do — and what not to do — as a parent.
Like many other professionals, teachers deal with dozens, sometimes hundreds, of emails every day, and that’s on top of teaching up to 200 children. They respond to parent phone calls, requests for meetings, concerns about physical health and emotional wellbeing, and collaborate with families on academic progress. It can be really taxing, which is why teacher burnout levels have spiked in the past few years.
Teachers welcome and encourage parent emails and conversations, as they are essential for student success, but there’s a way to go about it: be nice; be unassuming; be collaborative. You also need to trust that the teacher really does love your child and want to help — because most do. As a mum of five and after a decade as a teacher, here is my formula for how to talk to your child’s teacher about concerns.
Why parent-teacher communication matters
Building communication skills is vital to kids’ success at school. Research shows that effective communication between teachers and families can help children recognise their academic and non-academic potential, and leads to improved learning outcomes. Data from the Harvard Graduate School of Education ties effective teacher-family communication to important benefits such as:
- Increased homework completion rates.
- Better classroom behaviour.
- Better participation in class.
Another study concludes that these benefits even begin in early childhood, so parents of kids in nursery and attending childminders, the following advice is for you, too.
How to talk to your child’s teacher about concerns
Given the significance of parents not only being involved, but also being strong and kind communicators with their kids’ teachers, here are the communication strategies I and other educators use to communicate with the epic individuals helping to raise, teach and love our kids.
1. Institute a waiting period
Here’s how to write an email to a teacher: just don’t! At least for a bit. While 24 hours can be too long to wait when you are dealing with young kids, I do recommend observing a waiting period of at least a few hours before jumping on your email or on the phone, unless it’s a potentially severe or urgent issue.
Instituting a waiting period before contacting your child’s teacher offers three major benefits:
- It gives you time to calm down if you’re upset.
- It provides a chance to contextualise the situation.
- It lets you really listen to your child.
Kids don’t always arrive home ready and eager to share all the details of their days in the first five minutes. More often than not, my kids come up with a little more information around bedtime, not in the first hours after school. Waiting for all the details helps to inform the questions you will eventually ask the teacher. In addition, it gives the school a bit of time to reach out on its own too.
2. Pick up the phone instead
We all love email. It’s fast, convenient and easier than calling. But if you are dealing with a potentially more complex issue, it may be a better idea to pick up the phone. Often, a tone that gets interpreted as snippy on email is much more conversational with two human voices. Typically, parents and teachers also realise immediately they are on the same page when they can hear that in the other’s voice.
You can ask at the beginning of the year about the best times to call your child’s teacher, and keep a note of those handy. Do your best to start each conversation with an expectation of an open discussion and shared decision making. This is especially important for conversations about growth and development, behaviour and learning.
3. Make a compliment sandwich — with a question in the middle
Compliment sandwiches — where you cushion questions and concerns between positive feedback — work in coaching, in teaching and with parent-teacher communication. As a parent, I always start communications to the teacher with a compliment, whether it’s on the phone or via email. This helps the teacher not feel on their guard, as I had to be periodically with parents when I was a teacher. Here’s an example of a compliment sandwich:
Dear Ms Superstar,
I just wanted to let you know my child is absolutely loving circle time. He comes home every day telling me about the book you chose and how you are such a fun and animated reader! Perhaps today he wasn’t listening very well during that activity, or maybe something else happened? Thanks for more info on that, and for all your hard work making reading fun.
As a teacher, I was more than happy to receive emails that didn’t jump right into a problem, but instead validated the work I’d done throughout the rest of the day with that child. Also, notice that in the example there’s a question mid-email, rather than an accusation. This question opens up a conversation instead of putting the teacher on the defensive.
4. Don’t make your first email a “problem” email
This is a parent-teacher communication trick that works both ways. Teachers often make a point to send home a positive note at the beginning of the year, so their first conversation with parents or caregivers isn’t about a problem. This is a hack I use as a parent, too. By ensuring I’m recognising something great about the teacher early on, I don’t feel bad later if I have to bring up a concern.
In the first month of school, make a point to send the teacher something kind your child said about them, something you appreciate or a general thanks for a smooth start. Not only will this open up a positive line of communication between parents and teachers, but it will also help your child’s teacher know you’re in their corner. In an age where teachers are sometimes verbally berated and even physically threatened by parents, be a parent who starts off the year on a positive note.
5. Don’t wait to bring up a recurrent issue
For parents wondering when to talk to your child’s teacher about concerns, the best way is early to prevent escalation. As a teacher, there’s nothing worse than coming into parents’ evening and realising a parent has been holding onto an issue for weeks or months and hasn’t communicated it yet — especially one that’s easily fixable.
Getting ahead of a problem by communicating early is the best approach to nip prospective issues in the bud. This might mean communicating after the first or second missed homework assignment, chatting about an emotional issue that’s showing up in class or offering a heads-up that there have been past issues with another classmate. Both parents and teachers are well placed to spot issues as they crop up.
6. Practice honesty and vulnerability
As a mum of five, all of my kids’ teachers know that even though I’m generally an organised person, having this many kids has been an unprecedented challenge for me. They know this because I’ve been vocal about those struggles, which has only been met with compassion from them. If one of my kids is occasionally late with a library book or I miss an event, they know it’s not on purpose.
Parents can practise vulnerability by expressing their real feelings whenever they talk to the teacher, even if it’s just a line or two about a crazy week. This is especially true if your pet died, you’re going through a divorce, you’re having a baby or you’re experiencing any other major milestone that can shake up family life.
While busy parents may not always have time for every class trip and volunteering opportunity, they can still be an engaged parent while being honest about their limitations. Clearly and concisely communicating your intentions, goals and hopes for your child to a teacher is worth hours of time getting to know them while taking part in activities. Being open and vulnerable in this way may also help telegraph your need for more communication from the teacher on your child’s progress – which they are usually more than willing to give.
The bottom line on parent-teacher communication
How parents and teachers communicate matters. Your child’s happiness and success each school year can depend on it. While these conversations are sometimes difficult, remember to be a person when you talk to your child’s teacher.
Communicate with teachers with the same professionalism as you would your child’s doctor, and chat with them vulnerably with the same openness as you would a trusted friend. If you do this, and keep communication dos and don’ts in mind, your child’s teachers will feel empowered to collaborate with you all year to help your child succeed and thrive.