How to get your home and kids ready for an aging parent moving in

Multigenerational living — where two or more generations of adults live together — has become more and more common over the past few decades. Recent estimates state that about 18% of U.S. families have this type of arrangement. 

Multigenerational living situations often start when an aging parent moves in with their adult children. While many families welcome the idea of a grandparent moving in with them, it can also be stressful and overwhelming. “One of the quickest ways that resentment can build is when any member of the family feels like they have lost a space to call their own,” says Dr. Linda Dolin, medical director of The Sylvia Brafman Mental Health Center.

That’s why properly preparing your kids and your home before move-in day is important. To make this process easier, we asked experts how to prep your kids and your home when you have an aging parent moving in — and what to do when conflicts arise.

Why families choose multigenerational living

There are many reasons why a family might choose a multigenerational arrangement, especially as their loved ones age. The reasons are specific to each family, but most people chose to have a senior parent move in because it offers benefits both to the aging parent and the aging parent’s family.

Here are some of the most frequently cited benefits.

Financial savings

A major advantage of this arrangement is financial. “As care costs increase, [some] families find that this arrangement provides tremendous savings when an aging loved one is still relatively healthy,” says Jennifer Szakaly, founder and CEO of Caregiving Corner, a geriatric care management and counseling firm. 

Emotional and social benefits

Having family around can greatly contribute to a senior’s quality of life, decrease feelings of loneliness and increase emotional security. And it can be beneficial for the family members providing the care, too.

“Many adults and children find it deeply rewarding to support their older family members,” says Dolin. “And having a grandparent move into the home can help bring families closer together.”

Many families also share that a top reason they chose to have their parents move in with them is that they knew they’d be able to provide the best care for their parents, which brings peace of mind.

Family and cultural traditions

Many families embrace multigenerational living because these types of arrangement are common in their cultures. As Eileen Borski, a therapist and the founder of Authentic Brain Solutions explains, when this type of living arrangement is a cultural tradition for a family, “the outcomes tend to be more positive.”

“Many adults and children find it deeply rewarding to support their older family members. And having a grandparent move into the home can help bring families closer together.”

— Dr. Linda Dolin, physician and medical director

On the other hand, Borski adds, when someone comes from a cultural tradition where individualism and independence are emphasized, multigenerational living could end up being a less positive experience. Preparing your home and family before your aging parent moves in can help you meet and eliminate any potential challenges this new living arrangement may bring.

How to prepare kids for an aging parent moving in

A lot of kids will be excited about the idea of living with a grandparent, but there are some important steps parents can take to help their kids get ready for the big change.

Talk openly about what’s happening

Borski suggests starting by asking children if they have any questions about their grandparent moving in — and making sure to answer those questions honestly.

Most importantly, this shouldn’t be a one-time conversation. Borski also recommends allowing time for kids to come up with and ask further questions as time goes on. “When children are first told of an emerging new living arrangement, they may not be able to think of their questions on the spot,” she explains. “I suggest setting a follow up discussion in a few days to address any new questions or concerns.”

Gently explain new rules and any health challenges

Where exactly will the grandparent be staying, and what are the rules around everyone’s personal belongings and private time? These are all important details to fill kids in on before move in day.

Additionally, it’s vital that you are honest with your kids about your aging parent’s health needs right off the bat. “If the aging parent has existing health issues, parents should brief their children on what these issues are and how they may show up in the grandparents’ behavior,” Dolin says.

Emphasize that the hard parts are not kids’ fault

In addition to setting expectations, it’s essential that kids know that if the new living arrangement is challenging or their grandparent is having a difficult time, it’s not their fault.

For example, Dolin suggests stressing that “irritability and mood swings are possible” and aren’t the result of anything the child did. “Children may internalize symptoms of illness as evidence that they are doing something wrong,” she explains. It’s a good idea to let them know beforehand that they aren’t at fault.

How to prep your home before an aging parent moves in

One of the most important steps to take before a senior parent moves in is to make your home a safe place for them. Aging adults may need extra accommodations to get around comfortably, and you’ll be ahead of the game if you consider these changes early on. It’s also equally important to ensure every member of your family is able to maintain some degree of privacy.

Fall prevention

Falls are the most common cause of injury in the senior population. As such, you’ll want to take some precautions to keep your loved one safe. Here are tips for making your home more fall-proof, according to Christina Bremner, founder and owner of Purple Door Finders, an online database of senior and assisted living facilities:

• Get rid of trip hazards. These include loose floorboards, carpet coming up or unsecured rugs.
• Increase accessibility in each room. Make sure there’s adequate room and walking space between furniture.
• Reduce unnecessary clutter. Clutter such as loose power cords can create hazards, especially near floors.
• Make sure good, clear lighting is in place. Consider including night lights in bedrooms, bathrooms and hallways.

Read more:

Home safety for seniors: 6 simple ways to make a home safe to age in

Bathroom safety

Bathrooms are among the most common places for seniors to fall or have other accidents. Making some simple changes to your bathroom is important, says Szakaly. Here are her tips:

• Install grab bars in the shower and/or near the toilet.
• Install non-slip bath and tub mats.
• Make sure the toilet is an appropriate height (meaning not too low — you can purchase a toilet seat raising device, if needed).
• Make sure there is ample lighting in the bathroom.

Dementia safety

If your loved one has a form of dementia, you may need to make extra modifications to your home to keep them safe. 

Besides falls, a common risk for seniors with dementia is wandering. One of the main ways Bremner recommends preventing wandering is by installing alarms on doors. You can also add locks, gates and other measures to prevent your loved one from leaving the house unexpectedly.

Read more:

Dementia wandering prevention: Critical tips to keep seniors safe

Privacy preparations

In general, it’s essential to make sure your loved one has a designated, comfortable living space in your home. Sometimes, families are able to make modifications to their home. “Families often will consider adding on a room or converting a lower-level room to accommodate a new, older member of their household,” Szakaly says.

In other cases, though, your loved one may simply be given a separate room in your home. Sometimes this requires moving around furniture. Other times, it requires having siblings room together. It can take some negotiating and emotional adjustment for all involved, so work together to create a plan. Make sure both the senior and the kids feel heard.

“Be upfront about non-negotiable rules within the household, and be direct when things become confusing.”

— Jennifer Szakaly, geriatric care manager and CEO

Tips for a smooth transition when an aging parent moves in

As move-in day approaches, here are some ways to set ground rules and get the new living arrangement off to a good start.

Aim for a slow and thoughtful transition

When families have time to prepare for the transition emotionally, things tend to go more smoothly. Of course, emergencies happen, and in those cases it may be helpful to involve a family therapist or senior care advisor. However, “if possible, try to avoid making arrangements suddenly,” Dolin recommends. “Open up the conversation early, and give everyone plenty of time to communicate about it beforehand.”

Spend extra time with grandparents before the move-in date

“Once you’ve decided to go through with [the move], having the older family member visit more often and familiarize themselves with the space can ease the transition to moving there full-time,” Dolin says. “This also helps everyone get a better sense of how it’s going to feel once the aging parent moves in, making it less of a shock to their routines.”

Take steps to integrate your parent into the household

Whenever possible, include your parent in household tasks and day-to-day activities like meals, outings and family time. Doing so can help assure them that they belong, Szakaly says. For example, “give them chores they can manage given their functional status, so that they have purpose and further feel included in the overall family.” Also, be sure to ask them about times they’d like to join the family and when they’d prefer to do their own thing.

Have routines that don’t involve your parent

At the same time, don’t neglect your original family unit. In addition to including loved ones in day-to-day activities, Szakaly also suggests carrying on long-standing family routines that don’t involve the older adult. “For example, if your family has always enjoyed a monthly dinner and bowling night, let your parent know that this certain time is reserved for you and the kids,” Szakaly suggests. “Chances are they will appreciate some down time on their own, and it preserves some normalcy for your kids.”

How to prevent common challenges when aging parents move in 

Some of the most common challenges that come up when an aging parent moves in include lack of privacy, conflicts in parenting styles and caregiver burnout. Here’s how the experts we spoke to advise addressing these issues.

Clarify your roles and relationships

“The most common challenges arise when roles start to overlap,” Szakaly. For instance, if a grandparent has different ideas about things like snacks, desserts, bedtimes or homework than parents do, you may have a conflict on your hands. But just because grandma and/or grandpa moves in, it doesn’t mean they get to parent your kids.

“Be upfront about non-negotiable rules within the household, and be direct when things become confusing,” Szakaly recommends. “Kids need structure and continuity. A new adult in the house with different rules muddies the water for them.”

Communicate privacy needs

Privacy concerns come up a lot in multigenerational households, and it’s important for each person in the household to feel like they have spaces to call their own.

Bedrooms are the most obvious space where someone can ask for privacy and not to be disturbed, but it’s also necessary to set clear expectations around the use of common areas like living rooms and kitchens. This helps ensure that every family member “has some time in the day to work and play undisturbed,” Dolin explains.

Address (and prevent) caregiver burnout

Stress and burnout are common in multigenerational living, says Bremner. Besides those feelings of stress, exhaustion and depletion, you know you’re experiencing caregiver burnout if you start resenting the person you are caring for, Bremner explains.

Read more:

What is caregiver burnout? Signs to watch for and tips for prevention

Signs like this may mean that you need to make a change. This could include setting more clear boundaries with your parent, asking other members of the household or extended family to help more frequently, or hiring senior care help to assist with your loved one’s care needs.

Don’t let conflicts fester

Most of the time, challenges within a multigenerational family living arrangement can be worked on through by redefining boundaries, communicating clearly and distributing responsibilities more equally. Still, it’s crucial to recognize when the arrangement isn’t working.

“If conflicts are consistent and disruptive to everyday life, it might be time to seek external help or consider a new arrangement,” Dolin recommends. Working with a therapist or hiring a caregiver can help alleviate some of the stress. Assisted living can also be a good option if it becomes clear that in-home care is not working well.

A final thought on thriving in a multigenerational home

When aging parents move in, challenges are going to come up, whether we like it or not. Taking steps to work through conflicts is essential for everyone’s happiness and well-being — and doing so can also bring you closer as a family.

Learning how to navigate challenges as a family can be part of what makes this experience valuable, Dolin concludes. It can offer “a gateway to deeper connections between everyone involved.”