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Sleep when the baby sleeps is age old advice, but what if your baby never sleeps? Or what if you’d like to check a few things off your to-do list during baby’s nap? (Should you return emails when the baby returns emails?) Put another way: Between erratic newborn sleep that makes planning impossible and, well, life, is it actually possible to get rest when you have a newborn?
It is, according to Macall Gordon, a certified gentle sleep coach and co-author of “Why Won’t You Sleep?”, but it’s essential to recruit help in whatever form you can. “Part of the struggle with this chaotic time is that most parents are needing to navigate it on their own,” she says. “We were never meant to do that. The cultural response has been to try to sleep train the baby, but babies’ biology limits what can be accomplished, which can lead to additional stress.”
“The key to getting more rest is to have more support, more hands,” she says. “We were not meant to do this in isolation.”
From taking shifts (if possible) to reorganizing priorities, read on for expert tips on avoiding sleep deprivation with a newborn and actually getting rest.
Key takeaways
- Getting rest with a newborn is challenging but not impossible. It requires support from the people around you, prioritizing rest over chores (We know, easier said than done!) and being strategic about how you use your time.
- Experts emphasize that support — from partners, friends, doulas, or consultants — is key to managing sleep deprivation and improving both parent and baby rest. If you’re breastfeeding, have the other parent bring the baby to feed and then take them away after so you can get back to sleep faster.
- By learning about baby sleep, prioritizing rest over chores and practicing good sleep hygiene, parents can protect their well-being and reduce stress during the newborn stage. A night nanny or sleep consultant can also help you get the rest you need.
How do you actually get rest when you have a newborn?
Getting rest with a newborn is tricky, but not impossible, says Cara Dumaplin, certified baby and toddler sleep expert and founder of TakingCaraBabies.
According to Dumaplin and Laura Todd, a California-based licensed professional clinical counselor specializing in perinatal mental health, it comes down to a few things:
1. Work together
If you can, take shifts. “This might look like dividing the nights with your partner or letting a friend hold your baby so you can take a nap,” Dumaplin notes.
For parents who are breastfeeding, Todd says: “Have the other parent bring the baby to feed and then take away after so that parent can get back to sleep while the other parent takes care of changing and getting the baby back to sleep.”
2. Learn the science of baby sleep
Baby sleep is confusing (#iykyk)! “A baby sleep class can teach you strategies to help your baby sleep longer stretches, get restful daytime sleep, and even have calmer awake time,” Dumaplin explains. “When you have confidence around baby sleep, your own rest becomes easier.”
Another way to learn about baby sleep, notes Todd, is through a postpartum doula or newborn sleep consultant.
“You can’t force a newborn to sleep,. So when sleeplessness happens, the best solution to the problem is ‘more support.’ Support helps everything, not just sleep.”
— Macall Gordon, certified gentle sleep coach
3. Prioritize rest over chores
We know. Easier said than done, but the reality is, it’s good for your wellbeing. “If the dishes or laundry can wait a bit so that you can rest, leave them for later,” says Dumaplin. “Keep in mind that rest doesn’t always mean sleep, maybe this looks like letting yourself relax while your baby plays happily on the play mat.”
4. Set yourself up for good sleep
Even when you’re exhausted — and the baby is sleeping! — it can sometimes be hard to get to sleep
Dumaplin suggests the following sleep hygiene practices:
- Avoid caffeine after 3 p.m.
- Stay off your phone an hour before bedtime.
- Have a mini bedtime routine. Wash your face, change into pajamas, read for a few minutes, then dim the lights. “This cues your brain that sleep is coming just like it does for your baby,” she says.
- For night feedings, keep lights low and avoid scrolling. This will make falling back to sleep easier, Dumaplin says.
What if my baby never sleeps?
Bad sleepers — they happen. And it can be rough. If this is the case for you, it’s important to find out why baby isn’t sleeping, Todd notes.
“It may be reflux, gas discomfort, hunger, uncomfortable clothing, eczema, sleep environment, etc.,” she says. “Once you can address the reason for the disrupted sleep, hopefully that can help the newborn sleep better.”
And if you can’t figure out the reason, the answer is more support, says Gordon. “You can’t force a newborn to sleep,” she explains. “So when sleeplessness happens, the best solution to the problem is ‘more support.’ Support helps everything, not just sleep.”
This can be in the form of family, friends, a nanny, doula, newborn care specialist, etc.
The problem: Sleep all day, party all night
If your little one seems to be nocturnal, Dumaplin explains that they may have day/night confusion.
The fix
These tips can help:
- Expose your baby to daylight during daytime hours.
- Limit each nap to no more than 2 hours.
- Offer feedings every 2-3 hours, according to hunger cues during the day.
- Start your day no later than 8 a.m.
The problem: Don’t put me down!
If your baby won’t ever sleep out of your arms, Dumaplin says that “working on independent sleep can help.”
The fix
Start with these tips:
- Get ready for sleep when you see sleepy cues.
- Swaddle your baby anytime you want them to sleep independently.
- Set up a sleep space that is dark/calm, cool and has the consistent hum of a sound machine.
- Practice laying your baby down in the bassinet or crib for 1-2 naps each day and at bedtime.
Consider seeking a newborn sleep consultant, postpartum doula or even a night nanny. There are a range of options and prices available.
What are the consequences of sleep deprivation for new parents?
Simply put, sleep is essential; and ironically, it’s particularly important for new parents.
“If parents are not getting enough sleep, it puts their mental health at risk,” notes Todd. “Postpartum depression, anxiety and psychosis become much more intense, not just for the birthing parent, but for the non-birthing parent as well.”
Dumaplin adds: “When we consistently miss out on the sleep our bodies need, we’re not able to show up as the parents we want to be. And for some, sleep deprivation in the newborn stage can lead to unsafe sleep practices with your baby.”
Where can I turn for help if no one in my house is sleeping?
A house where no one is sleeping is not a happy house — but help is available. Here are a few places to turn to if you’ve entered the No Sleep Zone:
Friends and family. “You know all of those people who want to visit and meet your new baby? You don’t have to entertain them during their visit,” says Dumaplin. “If you’re comfortable, let them hold your baby while you get in a needed nap. And if you’re not, wait for another time or plan to keep visits short.”
Consider a newborn sleep consultant. While, yes, newborn sleep consultants cost money, there are a range of options and prices, Todd notes. “From an online course to in-home support multiple times a week, there’s something for everyone,” she explains. “Finding the one that fits your budget and needs can help guide you on the issues and give you knowledge and tools to address sleep struggles in the future.”
Other options to consider are postpartum doulas or night nannies.
And finally, if you’re struggling, reach out to a perinatal mental health professional.
“They can help address parents’ mental health during the postpartum period and help provide tools for parents to cope better during this high stress period,” says Todd. “These resources can really help parents reduce their confusion and stress around sleep and the transition in postpartum and increase their confidence to address and problem solve around sleep.”
