Disagreements between parents and grandparents aren’t uncommon, but one mom’s ongoing battle with her mother-in-law has the internet taking sides. The mom of three writes on Reddit that her mother-in-law has been treating the kids to secret “junk food” during their visits, and she wants to know if she’s out of line for banning unsupervised time with the grandkids unless the sneaky grandmother agrees to change her ways.
In her post, the mom explains that she is very particular about her 4- and 6-year-old children eating fast food. They’ve tried food from a few restaurants, but “when they are this young and eat what I give them, I’d rather they don’t know McDonalds even exists.”
The problem is that the boys stay with their grandmother during some weekends, and the mom and grandma do not see eye-to-eye about food. When the mom explained her aversion to McDonald’s and fast food in general, she says her mother-in-law “rolled her eyes” and defensively said her own child “ate McDonald’s every day after school and he turned out fine.”
“I told her she can think it’s silly, just to please not order it for the boys,” the mom continues. “She agreed. A few weekends ago, surprise, surprise, the twins came back talking about ‘their secret meal from mummy’ [and] giggling around. I took them to the mall, and they were frantically pointing at the big M begging me to go. I asked them how they knew it was so good, and they said because they ate it but I can’t know.”
Ultimately, the grandmother took the kids to McDonald’s and told them to keep it a secret from their mom. The frustrated mom confronted the grandma, who swore it was “a one time thing.” During the next visit, the grandmother took things to the next level.
“The kids ate a ton of snacks, drank only sugar drinks and stayed up till 12 a.m.,” the mom writes. “That includes the 4-year-old. I tried to talk to my MIL [mother-in-law] again and told her we can make compromises, but she needs to be willing to work with me. Kids come back the third weekend giggling again and tell their dad they ate McDonalds three times over at grandma’s.”
After trying to talk to her mother-in-law several times, the fed-up mom ultimately decided to give up and restrict her mother-in-law to supervised visits only. In return, her mother-in-law called her “controlling,” said it’s “my house, my rules” and told the mom to “get a hobby.” Now, the mom wants to know if she’s overreacting.
In less than a week, the mom’s Reddit post has gotten over 700 comments and a debate is raging over which caregiver is in the wrong. Some say the mom shouldn’t complain because she’s getting free child care and grandparents are meant to “spoil” their grandkids.
“You’re not a villain at all, but usually grandmas like to spoil their [grand]kids,” one person writes. “It sounds terrible, but that bonds the kids with them. Some mothers would near give their left arm to be in your situation: a whole weekend without the kids and a trusted family [member] where the kids are safe. The trade-off is unfortunately they eat some junk? I think it’s a great trade-off for spare time.”
Others argue that this grandmother is going far beyond simply spoiling her grandkids with occasional treats. Instead, they say she is disregarding boundaries and encouraging her grandchildren to violate their parents’ trust.
“Spoiling grandkids and completely disregarding the parents boundaries are two different things,” one person writes. “Grandma can spoil the kids in other ways. It is especially inappropriate and unacceptable to tell the kids that they need to be keeping secrets from their mother.”
“Honestly, I tell my kids all the time that if an adult asks you to keep a secret from your parents, they are not a good person and you should tell your parents,” another person adds. “I get that people are saying it’s just food, but she is breaking your rules and telling the kids to keep it a secret. That’s a huge no for me.”
Some people think both the mom and the grandmother need to compromise, and they think this mom could start by loosening some of her rules around food.
“Your mother-in-law seems to just be disobeying your wishes deliberately to p*** you off. On the other hand, the way you’re raising your kids is borderline insane,” one person says. “It’s one thing to make healthy food most of the time and care about their diet. Saying that you want them to not know fast food exists and freaking out anytime they eat something unhealthy is toxic, and you’re going to give your kids a very unhealthy relationship with food.”
“We go to McDonald’s maybe two weekends out of three, and my kids don’t care about McDonald’s,” another person writes. “McDonald’s is no more cool and exciting than a cheese sandwich. Sometimes they want something else. Strict bans created your situation. If you relax, your kids will relax.”
In follow-up comments, the mom clarifies that she isn’t banning visits with grandma entirely. “We have a babysitter on a schedule because I have some health issues with my pregnancy,” she explains. “I offered [for my] mother-in-law to come spend time with the kiddos and babysitter, but she went nuts getting offended I won’t let her be alone with them.”
Setting boundaries with grandparents is a complicated task. Both parents and grandparents love the kids in their lives a lot, and they can have strong opinions about what is best for them. Ultimately, even loving your grandkids a lot doesn’t necessarily make it OK to encourage them to disobey house rules or keep secrets from their parents. Cheeseburgers and Happy Meal toys may be fun, but it looks like this grandmother will have to decide if they are truly worth all the drama her secret fast food trips are causing.
