Do you have a high needs baby? Here’s what to know

People often talk about caring for “easy” babies, but what about a baby who simply needs more attention? High needs babies are babies that tend to be very sensitive and hard to comfort. “They are often described as not being able to be put down or requiring a lot of soothing,” says Aubrey Phelps, registered dietitian and lactation counselor at Matrescence Nutrition. “They might get labeled with ‘colic’ or cry a lot for no clear reason.”

If this sounds like your little one, you can be assured that you are far from alone in your struggles.

There are many high needs babies out there — and yes, caring for them can be extra challenging. But the good news is that there are ways to manage these challenges. Even better? With attention and care, your high needs baby can grow up to be a passionate and resilient child and adult.

What is a high needs baby? 

High needs” is a term used to describe babies who seem to need more soothing and attention than other babies, says Jenelle Ferry, a board-certified neonatologist at Pediatrix Medical Group in Tampa, FL. Sometimes high needs babies are also referred to as “spirited” babies.

“This is not a medical diagnosis, but rather a way to describe a temperament type that some babies naturally have, which requires more assistance with emotional regulation,” Ferry says.

According to Ferry, parents of high needs babies may notice that their baby:

• Cries more easily.
• Is harder to soothe when they are crying or upset.
• Has an overall temperament that’s more “intense” than other babies.
• Has strong reactions to their environment and environmental changes.
• Seems to require more urgency and frequency of response from their caregivers.
• Seems to want to be held constantly.
• Has trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.
• Seems to cluster feed more than other babies.
• Startles easily to noise, light or other abrupt changes.
• Is very alert.
• May not like being swaddled.
• May get very upset when a toy or other object is taken away.

Why do some babies seem to have more needs than others?

It’s not known exactly what causes certain babies to have higher needs than others, but it likely boils down to your baby’s inborn temperament or personality. While it may seem hard to believe right now, the essence of your baby’s personality is already established, and will be carried into your baby’s childhood and adulthood, the experts tell us.

“Each baby’s needs, emotional regulation, expressions, likes and dislikes are beautifully unique,” Ferry says. “What makes them ‘difficult’ is most likely not a ‘problem’ or something ‘wrong’ with them, but [gets] labeled as more difficult because of the time and effort they may require of us as their parents.”

Is a high needs baby a sign of medical problems?

Most of the time, your baby’s high needs aren’t indicative of a medical issue. Still, iif you have concerns, it’s important to rule any issues out.

According to Jocelyn Wood, a child development expert and speech language pathologist, some common medical issues that might look like high needs baby symptoms include reflux and gas, both of which can contribute to crying or colic. Some high needs behavior may also be attributed to a developing sensory sensitivity, Ferry adds.

“If your baby is crying nonstop for multiple hours a day (i.e., more than three hours at a time), it is important to discuss with your pediatrician,” Ferry advises.

How do you support and soothe a high needs baby?

It’s common to feel distressed and helpless when your high needs baby cries and fusses — especially when they can’t seem to be comforted. But there are some things you can do to both calm your baby and to decrease the frequency of their fussiness.

1. Pay attention to your baby’s environment

Specifically, pay close attention to how your baby responds to their environment, and adjust accordingly. “This can include adjusting light and noise levels, and sometimes limiting the number of people or voices interacting with babies at any given time,” Ferry explains.

2. Try to stay calm yourself

As hard as it may sound when you are feeling the stress of your baby’s cries, staying as calm as you can will help your baby calm down, too. That’s because a dysregulated parent can’t easily hold space to regulate a child, Phelps says.

3. Stick to a schedule

Not all babies benefit from a strict schedule, but for many high needs babies, having a consistent and predictable schedule or daily routine can be helpful, says Ferry. This includes consistent waking, sleeping, feeding and playing times.

4. Remove stimulation

Removing excess stimulation can be helpful for high needs babies. “The world is bright, loud and cold/hot,” Phelps says. “This is a lot of input for a new little person.” She suggests avoiding screens, dimming the lights and trying to create a more calming environment, especially before naps and bedtime.

5. Babywearing and skin-to-skin

Babywearing and skin-to-skin contact can be especially beneficial for high needs babies, since touch and closeness can help regulate emotions, Ferry says. But be aware that not all high needs babies respond well to the same comforts.

“Some babies can respond positively to the 5 S’s: swaddle, side, shish, swing, suck. Others may respond negatively,” she says. It may take some trial and error to find the specific soothing techniques your baby prefers.

6. Practice responsive feeding

Ferry recommends responsive feeding, which is when you feed your baby based on their hunger cues, rather than a specific schedule. “Try to react early to hunger cues, with the goal of feeding at early cues and limiting getting to the phase of frantic crying,” she suggests. Once a baby has entered the crying stage, they can take longer to soothe than others, she adds.

7. Soothe your baby’s digestive system

Since digestive upset, like gas and reflux, is a common cause of crying, Wood recommends addressing this when your baby is especially fussy. To relieve discomfort, she suggests trying one the following techniques:

• Holding the baby in a way that applies light pressure to the stomach, such as a colic hold.
• Lying them down and making heart shapes with their legs.
• Placing babies at a 45-degree or higher angle following feedings to help them better digest.

How can new parents work through some of the stress and exhaustion of having a high needs baby?

Hands down, one of the hardest parts of parenting a high needs baby is the impact it can have on you emotionally. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, stressed out and depleted. Here are Ferry’s tips for managing your own emotions:

• Accept Help. Accept any help available to you and outsource chores when you can (grocery shopping, meal preparation, laundry, house cleaning, etc.).
• Make sure you’re getting your needs met. Don’t skip meals, stay hydrated and get your body moving, even if it’s just one short walk around the block with your baby.
• Prioritize connection. Prioritize your connecting with your baby, rather than focusing on what you feel your baby “should” be like.
• Take shifts. It’s vital that caregivers get breaks. Take shifts with your partner or a trusted family member or friend.
• Remind yourself that you can’t spoil your baby. Addressing your baby’s needs consistently and quickly supports their emotional development. This isn’t spoiling; it’s teaching your baby that you are safe and dependable.
• Connect with other parents of high need babies. Reaching out to high need baby support groups (online or in person) can be important to reinforce that you are not alone, and that your baby is just like many other babies.

One more tip? It gets better

If you are a parent with a high need baby, you know how easy it is to feel overwhelmed or like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. Things usually get better as your baby gets older. Not only that, but high needs, spirited babies often turn into amazing kids and adults, the experts add.

As Ferry concludes, “It can feel impossible to your drained and exhausted newborn-parent self, but hearing from other parents may help you believe that as your child grows you’ll begin to see how these traits can blossom into resilient and motivated children who love fiercely, pursue their interests with passion, advocate for what they believe in and amaze you with their creativity and determination.”