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Not everyone has a roommate in assisted living, but many seniors choose roommates for benefits like affordability and companionship. While seniors are often matched to roommates with whom they get along well, conflicts are bound to come up now and then when you live in close quarters with someone. Sometimes these situations can become quite challenging.
How best to handle assisted living roommate problems? The experts we connected with recommend taking a proactive approach and tackling small issues before they become bigger problems. “Talk about the issues transparently, and communicate before the issue escalates,” advises Chad Shurley, geriatric case manager and senior vice president of clinical operations at Aviator Health. “Instead of discussing it in the heat of the moment, let everyone cool down.”
Here, we’ll cover what seniors and their loved ones need to know about assisted living roommate problems, including how to manage them on your own, when to get extra help, who to ask for help and what to do if a roommate issue can’t be resolved.
Key takeaways
- Roommate conflicts are common in assisted living, but there are almost always ways to resolve them that address the needs of all parties involved. Usually, open conversations between roommates can help clear the air.
- Sometimes outside help — such as mediation with a friend, social worker or other staff member — is necessary to solve roommate problems. At times, more formal meetings with facility administrators or directors are called for.
- If you aren’t getting anywhere after speaking to the director or other leaders at your facility, ask who the local ombudsman is. They have additional resources and training to help with conflict resolution.
How common are roommate problems in assisted living?
If you have a roommate, issues are bound to come up at one time or another. “Most families walk in with the belief that sharing a room is a small sacrifice,” says David Fesman, president at Medmart, a family-owned medical equipment company that sells senior mobility and accessibility equipment. In reality, he adds, roommate tension is one of the number one complaints I hear from families, right next to meals and staffing.”
What are the most frequent assisted living roommate issues?
Incompatibility is a major issue when it comes to roommates in assisted living facilities, says Princella Seymour, an eldercare expert and CEO and founder of Complete Elder Care Solutions.
“For someone with hearing difficulties, it could be that they prefer the TV/radio louder, which may annoy their roommate who is not hard of hearing,” Seymour shares. “Or it could be someone who prefers to go to bed early, while the roommate is a night owl and needs to keep the lights on.”
Fesman sees similar issues among the seniors he’s worked with. “Differing sleep schedules, tolerance and preferences to noise and temperature are the common starting points [for disagreements],” he says.
While these may seem like simple annoyances, these problems can easily become magnified. “These are not minor annoyances for someone in their 80s whose choices have already been narrowed in their day-to-day life,” Fesman explains. “They wear on a person fast.”
“One thing we often forget is setting a clear path for when challenges or miscommunications come up. Getting alignment on that early creates the best culture.”
— Chad Shurley, geriatric case manager and senior care expert
How to handle a difficult roommate in assisted living
In many cases, you and your roommate should be able to handle typical roommate challenges on your own — with some simple tips from the experts.
1. Have a one-on-one discussion
There’s no way around it: you and your roommate need to talk.
Open communication is where it’s at when it comes to conflict resolution. “More than often the problem is a lot smaller than imagined and can be easily resolved between you,” says Seymour.
2. Establish communication guidelines from the get-go
Even if you get along well with your roommate and seem well-matched, it’s important to talk about what you might do if conflicts come up later. “One thing we often forget is setting a clear path for when challenges or miscommunications come up,” Shurley says. “Getting alignment on that early creates the best culture.”
3. Be honest about what’s going on
It may be tempting to try to side-step the issues or not be totally forthcoming about what’s bothering you, but Seymour urges roommates to lay it all out on the table. “The more you share — in a positive, engaging way — the more you get to know and understand one another,” she says.
4. Brainstorm ways to resolve conflicts together
Again, being proactive is key. One way to do this is for you and your roommate to brainstorm methods for managing conflicts before they come up. This may include:
- Having weekly or monthly check-ins.
- Establishing rules for common conflicts like bedtimes and noise levels.
- Discussing how you prefer to communicate about conflicts, whether in-person, by text or with a mediator (such as a social worker from your facility or a mutual friend).
How does assisted living typically handle roommate problems?
The good news is that assisted living facilities are experienced at helping residents manage issues like roommate conflicts. If you and your roommate can’t find a solution to a problem, you can turn to staff for help.
“In my career, I’ve rarely seen a community unable to help resolve an issue,” Shurley assures. “Remember, they want happy residents and staff, too.”
Who you should contact depends on where you are in the conflict resolution process. Here’s what to know.
Staff can mediate conflicts between you and your roommate
Most assisted living facilities have staff members who can mediate roommate problems before they escalate into more serious situations.
“If you cannot resolve your differences independently, then I suggest asking for help,” says Seymour.
If you just need someone to help you and your roommate have a fruitful conversation about what is going on, chances are, you don’t need to speak to any directors or managers in your assisted living organization. Instead, you can speak to staff members who know you and are trained to help with issues like the ones you and your roommate are facing.
Staff members to connect with include:
- Social workers.
- Facility directors.
- Nurses.
- Activities directors.
Staff can document your concerns
If conflicts between you and your roommate are getting more intense, it’s important to document what’s going on in case you end up needing to escalate your concerns to a higher-up member of the assisted living facility.
“Start by documenting concerns with nursing staff, activities staff or even front desk staff, and share what you’re noticing or seeing,” Shurley recommends. “Sometimes, support staff can step in early and help before it becomes a larger issue.”
“Remember, any behavior that impacts your emotional and physical well-being needs to be addressed immediately.”
— Princella Seymour, nationally recognized eldercare expert
Leaders can step in for a formal conference
“If your loved one is avoiding their own room or sleeps away on a regular basis, informal resolution is already closed as an option,” says Fesman. In that case, he suggests requesting a formal conference, and asking that the director of nursing or other directors or administrators to be in attendance.
Remember, facilities want to help
While not always possible, most assisted living facilities work diligently to match residents with compatible roommates. For example, Seymore explains, “many assisted living facilities match roommates who share similar lifestyles, preferences, interests and habits.”
Doing this should, ideally, help alleviate any potential conflict down the line, according to Seymour. And if it isn’t working out, it’s a safe bet that the staff wants to help you solve the problem.
How do you know when to ask for help from the facility?
Most conflicts between roommates can be resolved by having honest and open conversations, and possibly having neutral mediators (like friends or family members) assisting you. There are times, though, when you shouldn’t try to resolve conflicts on your own or via informal meetings with staff members.
“Should a roommate use offensive language, display disruptive or threatening behavior, or tamper with your personal items, then head straight to your facility administrator for assistance,” Seymour says. “Remember, any behavior that impacts your emotional and physical well-being needs to be addressed immediately.”
What if assisted living staff don’t take your problem seriously?
If you aren’t getting anywhere after speaking to the director or other leaders at your facility, ask who the local ombudsman is.
“This is an outside, trained community member, usually working for the state, who is assigned to your community,” says Shurley. “They have additional resources and training to help with conflict resolution, and they can be especially helpful if the community is not supporting the issue or is part of the conflict rather than part of the solution.”
What if you can’t resolve an assisted living roommate problem?
Thankfully, there are many different options available to you if you end up having conflicts with your roommate that can’t be smoothed over. Sometimes, a good option is to switch roommates, or wait for a new resident to move into the facility who is a better match for you. Try to have patience as you explore the different ways of addressing your issue.
If you end up exhausting all options, you can request a private room in the facility. “This obviously has an impact on your budget, but you can discuss different room types and living arrangements to help ease the additional financial burden,” Seymour says.
In the most serious cases, moving into a new assisted living facility may be the best option.
Above all else, remember that your well-being is important, and it’s OK to prioritize that. “This is your living space — your home — and you deserve to live harmoniously and comfortably,” Seymour emphasizes.
