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It’s a common dynamic in many families — mom gets things done, while dad has all the fun. While mom is finding the missing “wacky” socks for spirit week and sorting through forms that need to be filled out, dad is driving to baseball practice (and stopping for ice cream on the way home). It’s a pattern so common that it often goes unnoticed. Over time, though, this weird power imbalance can result in kids viewing dad as “fun” and mom as the boring “enforcer of routines.”
I’ve seen in my own family — and discussed it at enough coffee dates with fellow moms to know we are not alone in this struggle. The dynamic, which is replicated in millions of households led by two-parent heterosexual couples, is rooted in the division of labor and societal norms, says Dr. Katie Stewart, a licensed psychologist in Pittsburgh. As a mom of a young son herself, she’s also living it — the scheduling, the planning, the balls she’s keeping in the air at the expense of her free time and self-care.
“I think the main issue here is what we call the ‘invisible load,’” she says. “The doing of all, or most, of the emotional, mental and organizational work that keeps a family system running often falls to the woman. Traditionally, it’s mom who schedules the appointments, plans the meals, makes sure the superhero shirt is clean and ready for spirit week, and RSVPs to friends’ birthday parties.”
This work often goes unnoticed, like the mechanics under the car hood that we so rarely think about — until the car won’t start. “Then it is an absolute crisis, and it’s all on mom. No wonder she seems so serious all the time,” says Stewart.
Key takeaways
- In many two-parent heterosexual households, mothers carry the “invisible load” of managing the family, while fathers are perceived as the “fun” parent.
- This imbalance stems from unequal divisions of labor and societal norms, leaving moms overstimulated and less able to relax or play compared to dads.
- The dynamic can affect children’s perceptions and family relationships, modeling unequal patterns they might carry into adulthood. The good news? It’s not permanent and can change with effort and awareness.
- Creating balance requires open communication, sharing the mental load and intentionally building space for both parents to rest, play and connect with their kids.
Why do dads get to be the ‘fun’ parent?
Dads might not actually be more fun, but the imbalance of responsibility can sure make it feel that way.
One mom in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, tells us that merely by enforcing family rules and having different responsibilities, her husband is seen as more entertaining and laid-back. “I enforce screen time rules while he is next to them, scrolling away on his phone,” says Diana Ruff. “He is more available due to our work schedules, and so gives more rides to fun things.”
Of course, rides to fun things often result in a fun snack on the way home, adding to Dad’s megastar status. “It’s definitely a pattern in our family,” she adds.
Even when moms try to be playful, they often have less energy to have fun. Statistically, women do more of the household labor and child care, even when they work full-time. Women with children also make up the largest sector of remote workers — but that flexibility is both a blessing and a curse. While some moms may be more available to pick up a sick kid, it also means their jobs often spill over into family time. On the flip side, if dads work outside the home, they get an uninterrupted workday to complete their tasks. This changes how kids get to spend time with each parent during free time, says Stewart.
“I don’t want to neglect what might be going on for moms here,” she adds. It’s a common pattern in even the best relationships, including her own at times. “I think moms can be experienced as a little more irritable or less fun by kids because of being overstimulated.”
How does the ‘fun parent’ dynamic impact kids?
No child grows up in a perfect home, so it’s natural to assume that a household with a power imbalance affects kids. In truth, it can model negative relationship dynamics, which kids may carry into their own adult relationships. Stewart says the overall mood and feel of the home play a factor, too. Some couples battle against this dynamic loudly, while others let the wound quietly fester.
Daniela Torrez, a parent in Florida, says her role as the enforcer became a wound they could no longer ignore when their teenager required psychiatric care several years ago. “Part of that process was family therapy, and it soon became clear that I was the ‘identified patient’ of the family,” she explains. By this, she means that their child was attributing many of their struggles to their relationship with mom.
“You want kids to understand that mom and dad are working together to make a happy and fun home.”
— Dr. Katie Stewart, licensed psychologist
Through the hard work of family therapy, all three learned that this was just a perception based on dad being seen as more fun. “My own individual therapist pointed out that the person who does 100% of the work gets 100% of the blame,” she adds.
Many families will not have the “fun parent” dynamic rise to a crisis level, but that doesn’t mean it’s a positive thing for kids. If you notice these patterns in your own home, Stewart says to remember that it’s not unchangeable. “I think it’s important to think of this dynamic as… dynamic. It’s something that can (and probably should) change based on situational factors, individual strengths of the parents and the developmental needs of the child or children.”
How can families create more balance?
So, how do you fix the problem? (Or, in other words, how can moms start having more fun?)
This will look different based on kids’ ages, Stewart says, but overall, “you want kids to understand that Mom and Dad are working together to make a happy and fun home.”
Here are some ways to flip the script.
1. Get curious about topics that interest your kids
Have them show you how to create a Roblox avatar and learn to play their games, or practice soccer drills with them at the park. Even if mom’s skill level is low, it’s the connection that counts.
For Torrez, therapy helped their family break up longstanding patterns — and let her have more fun. She’s learned to play Dungeons and Dragons with her kids, and her husband has learned to broach heavy topics with them. “A lot of the therapeutic work revolved around my husband practicing opening the door for the heavy stuff, and our kid learning to also go to him for that stuff.”
2. Surprise your kids
With so many responsibilities on their mind, spontaneity can be hard for moms — but it’s fun!
Show up for school pickup with takeout and a picnic blanket. Or, present the idea of a late bedtime for a backyard family movie night under the stars, and take the kids along to buy sundae ingredients. It will leave an impression.
“It’s good to normalize mom getting to have some fun and dad doing some other tasks that maybe aren’t so fun… Let kids know that we’re all capable of doing the hard or boring things and the fun things.”
— Dr. Katie Stewart
3. Let some responsibilities go and see what happens
“I think much of this is about giving up some control and maybe dropping a few balls every once in a while,” Stewart says. Of course, many family-related tasks must occur, but missing a few days of Spirit Week (or all of them) is OK. Test the waters with the things on your to-do list and find out what happens when you can’t check off every item.
With other tasks, bring kids into the fold. Meal prep and grocery shopping are common areas where women shoulder more of the labor. Planning healthy meals, shopping, and finding the best sales leaves less mental space for family fun — so split it up. Assign each partner or older child a night of the week to cook, come up with family meal ideas together, and utilize a grocery app (or the grocery list feature on a smart calendar) to add items to a shared shopping list.
4. Address household labor inequities
It’s crucial to hash these topics out together as a couple. “Open communication is key,” says Stewart. “It might be a good idea to talk about why things are the way they are. Did you discuss these tasks and roles before taking them on? Do you enjoy them?”
Come up with ways together to share the mental load so there is more time for family fun in general. Here are some ideas:
- Make a list of each partner’s tasks on sticky notes. What bills do they pay, what family appointments are they responsible for? If the list is lopsided, divvy up the tasks more equally.
- Lean into strengths. Some parents excel at budgeting and finances, while others prefer to handle medical appointments.
- Co-manage the schedule. Much of mothers’ mental load comes not from the tasks themselves, but from managing the schedule, says Stewart. A whiteboard in the kitchen, a shared Google calendar, or a smart calendar like Skylight or Mango are all great options for offloading some of that stress.
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5. Schedule time “off”
Build in leisure time for both parents. Moms typically get less downtime than dads, but careful planning can rectify that imbalance. Schedule “me time” for each parent each week, whether it’s a run or a 30-minute break at the local coffee shop. When it’s built into the family calendar, it’s hard to miss.
The final word on having more fun as a parent
Systemic inequity developed over generations, and it won’t be easily fixed overnight. Stewart says recognizing and addressing the problem is the first step in fixing it so that both parents enjoy quality time with their kids.
“It’s good to normalize mom getting to have some fun and dad doing some other tasks that maybe aren’t so fun,” she says. Let dad cook dinner, but don’t overly praise him for it — kids should see that it’s normal for both parents to tackle mundane tasks. “No need to proclaim him ‘father of the year’ for it!” says Stewart.
Likewise, if mom is acting out the role of a Spinosaurus in a dinosaur battle, don’t act surprised. Mom is allowed to have fun, too. “Let kids know that we’re all capable of doing the hard or boring things and the fun things,” Stewart concludes.
