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Though you may not have heard the term before, gramnesia — think “grandparent” plus “amnesia” — is a phenomenon you’re sure to have encountered if you are a parent. “Gramnesia is when grandparents consciously or unconsciously forget how hard parenting can be,” explains Heidi McBain, a perinatal mental health therapist. In turn, they might either be unhelpful or make unhelpful comments to their children who are now parents themselves.
If you’ve dealt with your parents or in-laws questioning your discipline methods or insisting that you never had tantrums as a child, were easy to potty train and never had sleep issues, even the mention of gramnesia might make your blood pressure rise. However, there are ways to navigate the experience of gramnesia with compassion and clear boundaries, according to experts.
Key takeaways
- “Gramnesia” describes when grandparents forget the challenges of raising children, often offering outdated advice or unrealistic expectations based on decades-old parenting norms.
- Understanding what gramnesia is can help parents respond with empathy, recognizing it often stems from memory gaps, generational differences and changes in child-rearing standards over time.
- While gramnesia can cause frustration, open conversations about parenting realities can bridge the gap and foster mutual respect between parents and grandparents.
What is gramnesia?
Gramnesia is when grandparents seem to forget the reality of raising young children and, in turn, offer unsolicited advice or commentary that feels dismissive to newer parents.
What does gramnesia look like in everyday life? When Allie McQuaid, a licensed clinical professional counselor and owner of Tree House Therapy, LLC, posted an innocent video on Instagram asking if others had heard of gramnesia, she was inundated with responses. One talked about a grandmother asking what a new mother does all day (um, excuse me?). Other parents said their mom insisted they were potty trained by the time they were one.
For the millennial parenting generation, in particular, McQuaid notes that gramnesia seemed to hit a chord. But for others — self-proclaimed grandparents, specifically — the term “gramnesia” was just another indicator that parenting isn’t what it used to be.
Part of this disconnect between memory and reality is that older generations struggled with the same things (postpartum anxiety, sleep deprivation, trauma), says McQuaid, but they didn’t have the platform to find validation and solidarity that parents do today. So, in addition to having rose-colored glasses about those early years — a phenomenon called euphoric recall — older generations’ memory may actually be clouded “because they weren’t allowed to talk about how hard it was,” says McQuaid.
Why do grandparents develop gramnesia?
Whether due to generational differences or the fact that grandparents genuinely forget what it was like to be a new parent after so many years, gramnesia happens. As to the why? “You essentially have two sets of parents operating from decades-apart perspectives, shaped by very different cultural norms, safety standards and general parenting philosophies,” says Bryce Reddy, therapist and founder of Mom Brain Therapist. Grandparents may also be experiencing a little bit of good ol’ fashioned nostalgia (more on that in a moment).
Selective memory and nostalgia
As time passes, it’s easy for our memories of events to become clouded. In a study done from the University of California, Davis Center for Neuroscience, researchers posited that memory could be biased toward the high-reward events. Do you remember all of your birthdays or holiday celebrations? Probably not. But you might remember some of the best ones. In the same way, grandparents may only retain certain memorable events or moments.
And it may be even deeper than that. “Some grandparents may genuinely forget what parenting is like for them because of transgenerational trauma and their own guilt or shame around not working on their own issues and passing them down to their own kids,” says McBain. And because they may see that in their own kids’ parenting, it might feel triggering, she adds.
Generational changes
Even in just the last couple decades, parenting styles have changed drastically. For parents of millennials and older generations, it was common to have a more hands-off approach. Parents were more likely to encourage kids to occupy themselves (“go play outside”), rather than entertaining them, points out McQuaid. It was the age of “come home when the street lights turn on.”
In contrast, millennial and newer parents, for better or worse, practice more intensive, hands-on and emotionally engaged parenting, adds McQuaid. And that can bring up conflicting opinions on some key topics, according to the experts we spoke to, such as:
- Feeding and sleep choices.
- Repercussions for misbehavior (think spanking vs. logical consequences).
- Clothing choices and gender presentation.
- Parenting style, such as gentle parenting, permissive parenting, and authoritative parenting.
- Schooling choices (think home-schooling vs. public schooling vs. private schooling).
- Technology usage.
In this way, “gramnesia reflects the generational gap in how we understand children’s needs today versus in the past,” says Reddy.
How gramnesia affects parents
Whether it’s forgetting or that parenting is just that much different these days, it’s clear that there’s plenty of fodder for disagreement. And those moments of contention can be very stressful for parents, especially new parents.
In part, gramnesia can really undermine a new (or even established) parent’s confidence. “New parents often carry a lot of vulnerability around their parenting choices,” says Reddy. “We’re navigating so many decisions everyday and naturally feel protective of the choices we’re making and hold some fear about whether or not we’re doing it ‘right.’ That can make even well-intentioned advice feel like criticism.”
Additionally, gramnesia can cause relationship strain, both between you and your parents or in-laws and you and your partner, if you’re not on the same page as to how things should be handled.
How to handle gramnesia
Given the toll of gramnesia), it’s a must to tackle it head-on in a way that works for your family. Here are some ways to get started.
Prepare early
If you foresee gramnesia issues in your future, an ideal strategy is to prepare for it now, says Reddy.
Before the grandkids even arrive, she recommends having conversations with your partner, parents and in-laws about how you plan to parent. In these conversations, she advises sharing “your wishes for the style of parenting you’d like to practice and your hope that others can help you feel confident and supported in those practices.”
Reddy continues, “Going into these situations with a plan for how you want to respond can help you feel more grounded and less reactive. It also gives you some control over the tone you want to set in these interactions and the kind of relationship you hope to build (or maintain) with the grandparents in your life.”
Respond with curiosity
It can be helpful to approach gramnesia with the assumption of good intent: Most involved grandparents want to be helpful, even if it doesn’t always come across that way, believes Reddy.
“Approaching gramnesia moments with curiosity instead of defensiveness can go a long way in preserving relationships (if that’s the goal),” adds Reddy.
She offers an example: “If someone says something like, ‘It wasn’t like this when my kids were little,’ try asking about what it was like, what kind of feedback they experienced from others about their own choices and how they handled it,” she advises. “Reflecting on their own early parenting challenges can be the key to building some common ground and opening up conversations.”
Set boundaries
If there’s a clear disconnect in opinion, setting clear boundaries can help you avoid arguments. “Remind them that while you might be ‘new’ to parenting, you’ve really researched your choices based on the information available to you and that you’re not looking to debate different parenting styles,” advises Reddy.
Find areas of flexibility
If possible, look for areas where you can loosen the reins a little. For example, if there’s a little wiggle room around bedtime or treats when grandparents are babysitting, it’s worth considering, says McBain.
Decide on what you’ll say
It can be hard to know what to say when your parent is standing in front of you and seemingly questioning your parenting choices (particularly if you’re functioning on less-than-ideal sleep and haven’t had sufficient caffeine yet). So it can be helpful to prepare and practice what you might say ahead of time.
“Keep a few phrases in your back pocket for when something does come up,” says Reddy. For example: “That’s what the research is telling us these days; we’ll see how it goes!” or “This is what we’re trying for now … I’ll keep you posted.” These phrases “can help you stay neutral, avoid debate and reinforce that parenting is an evolving process that you’re always improving on,” adds Reddy.
Blame the experts
If disagreements arise and all else fails, McQuaid says you can invoke a neutral source like your pediatrician or the American Academy of Pediatrics’ (AAP). For instance, if gramnesia shows up in your parents telling you they co-slept with you and your siblings, and you turned out fine, you can say something like: “These are the current recommendations from the AAP, and that is what we’re doing.” In this way, you prevent it becoming a “you vs. them” discussion, McQuaid adds.
Explore therapy
If all else fails, or you think an outside opinion would be helpful, McBain suggests seeking expert input. As she concludes, “Therapy can be a great way to process your feelings about gramnesia, and a safe place to come up with some solutions that are specially tailored to you and your family.”
