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As a parent, you expect separation anxiety from your 1-year-old, or even your 3-your-old, and you’re somewhat mentally prepared. But when your 8-year-old starts shadowing you around the house and starts showing signs of separation anxiety in school, you might be at a loss.
Sure, it looks like separation anxiety and smells like separation anxiety, but your child is too old for that, right? Wrong. “Separation anxiety typically starts in young childhood, before school-age,” says Erica Kalkut, pediatric neuropsychologist and executive clinical director at LifeStance Health. “However, it can affect children of all ages, and because it is most commonly recognized in younger children, it may be overlooked in older children.”
And separation anxiety in older children can be exhausting, for you and your child, so you might be wondering why it’s happening, what the signs are, how to help your child cope and when to call in reinforcements. Below, experts discuss all this and more.
Key takeaways
- Separation anxiety in older children can often go unrecognized, but it’s just as real and distressing as in younger kids, manifesting in behaviors like clinginess, avoidance and emotional outbursts.
- Separation anxiety in school may look like resistance to going and frequent nurse visits — signs that shouldn’t be dismissed, even if your child is older.
- Helping your child cope with separation anxiety involves validating their feelings, maintaining boundaries and encouraging small steps toward independence rather than removing stressors altogether.
- If your efforts aren’t helping and the separation anxiety persists or worsens, professional support may be the next best step.
What does separation anxiety look like in older children?
There is a certain level of codependency that is normal in a parent-child relationship out of necessity, but “the hallmark feature of separation anxiety is intense fear of being away from home and/or caregivers,” says Kalkut.
This separation anxiety in older children may manifest as calls from the nurse’s office at midday (even though they seemed fine at breakfast), “meltdowns at night or resistance getting ready for bed” because the anticipation of what’s coming the next day is looming or avoiding activities they used to enjoy if you won’t be there, explains Robyn Isman, a licensed independent clinical social worker and parent coach based out of Massachusetts.
It might be exacerbated with the challenges of school or an extracurricular. And in this way, separation anxiety in older children distinguishes itself: “It’s not just, ‘Mommy, where are you going?’ It’s more that it’s grouped together with something they feel challenged by, not ready for, scared of or feel they may not do well in,” adds Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist.
Common signs of separation anxiety in older kids
Older kids with separation anxiety (think 6-years-old+) find themselves in a funny position: They’re old enough to verbalize their discomfort, but they don’t always have the right words to explain it. With that in mind, here are some ways those symptoms of separation anxiety may manifest, according to experts.
- Refusal or hesitation to engage in activities without their parents. This could look like refusing to go to school, being hesitant to go to friends’ houses or generally being fearful of trying new activities or going to new places without a parent present.
- An increase in clinginess. They might shadow you around the house or cry at drop off.
- Changes in sleep or appetite. While sleep needs and appetite can vary in kids, a sudden change could indicate that something deeper is wrong.
- Continuous “what ifs.” You might hear a lot of “What if you’re late picking me up?” or “What if something happens to you?”
- Physical complaints. This could include stomach aches or headaches.
- Emotional and behavioral changes. They might experience mood dysregulation, outbursts and oppositional behavior.
- Worrying about your or their safety. When you are separated, this could “ be a sign that they are feeling anxious and are unsure of how to state their feelings,” says Megan Glotz, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Raising Resilient Teens.
How to help older kids cope with separation anxiety
Now that you’ve determined your child is dealing with separation anxiety, what can you do to help them? If it’s not so severe that you’re contemplating professional help yet (more on that later), here are expert-backed steps you can take to build your child’s confidence in their ability to withstand the discomfort of separation.
1. Validate their feelings
You could find it challenging when a child starts to show signs of separation anxiety. However, “even if you are frustrated that they don’t want to do something or are all of a sudden more dependent on you, it is very important to just validate that they are feeling how they feel without judgment, blame or guilt,” advises Erin Campbell, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Raising Resilient Teens. .
Jovi, the 9-year-old daughter of Merrysa Janzen, a nursing student and substitute teacher in Mindoro, Wisconsin, experiences anxiety when she is traveling from one coparenting home to another. The fear of missing out on what might be happening at her other home can spark her anxiety. Janzen acknowledges these feelings by reminding Jovi that “her feelings are her feelings to have, and they are always valid.”
Validating your child’s fears doesn’t mean you’re allowing them to let go of their responsibilities, however, says Glotz. “For example, you can sit with them in their anxiety or fear, talk it through in a supportive way, help them identify their strengths and coping skills, while also maintaining the boundary (they have to go to school, etc).”
2. Explore where the fear is coming from
Once you’ve acknowledged their feelings, Campbell adds that it’s important to get to the source of their fear. In order to do so, they advise focusing on what your child is saying “instead of focusing on the behavior, which typically leads to parental stress/frustration. Try to get to the bottom of why they are feeling what they are feeling, and if anything happened to make them feel this way.”
As an example, imagine you, their other parent or another family member were injured or hospitalized while they were at school or a friend’s house. They might then associate any separation with that memory.
3. Don’t remove the stressor/trigger
If you’re trying to help your child increase their tolerance of being separated, it’s very important to “help kids sit in the discomfort of the tricky feelings rather than remove” them, says Glotz. If you allow them to avoid it instead, by removing the discomfort, “the anxiety will increase over time because they do not have practice making it through something that makes them feel uncomfortable,” she adds. Instead, reassure them that you are there for them and will help them through those feelings.
4. Work on instilling confidence in your child
It can be really tempting to protect your child from the discomfort of being separated from you by removing obstacles. However, in doing so, you might inadvertently be telling your child that you see they aren’t capable of handling it.
Instead, it’s important that parents “teach their children that they’re resilient, that they’re independent, that they’re capable and that they’ll feel more confident when they go out and try new things,” says Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist and author of “Generation Anxiety.”
If you’re unsure of where to start, Isman recommends Yale’s SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) method, which helps parents support their child with anxiety, by teaching “supportive language that validates and instills confidence.” A couple examples, according to Isman: “I know you are feeling anxious, and I believe you can go to school while anxious.” “I know you are nervous about this activity, and I believe you can go to the activity while nervous.”
5. Let them problem-solve
It can be so tempting as a parent to jump into fix-it mode when your child is upset, but challenges are opportunities for growth. The big-picture goal here is to help your child cope with these difficult feelings and become a problem-solver, says Cohen. Instead of trying to rationalize to your child why they will be OK while you are separated, Cohen instead advises handing the problem back to your child so they can begin to figure out solutions.
What does this look like? Well, as you’re leaving and your child is telling you how much they will miss you, instead of trying to fix it, she advises acknowledging it. Say something like, “Of course you will. How can you help yourself when I’m not here and you miss me?” In this way, she advises parents to pull back and give them some space to troubleshoot.
“Your 6-year-old, 7-year-old, 8-year-old — they have amazing ingrained coping skills, resilience and problem-solving skills,” Cohen adds. So next time you’re tempted to jump in and fix things for them, encourage them to tap into those instincts and strengthen those proverbial muscles.
6. Practice being away from each other
Part of showing your child that they can work through their separation anxiety is to create situations for them to practice it. This will help them “build up their tolerance for being separated,” says Campbell. Opportunities to practice this could include playdates, or even at bedtime, if you typically co-sleep or lay with them until they fall asleep.
7. Create a plan together
If a new situation is on the horizon that you know may spark separation anxiety in your child, Glotz recommends creating a plan and practicing it beforehand.
For Ashley Lynn Boyd, a professor at Wiregrass Georgia Technical College and mom of four in Abbeville, Georgia, this looks like giving her 8-year-old ownership over where she’s comfortable staying when she’s not with her parents, such as with her grandparents. They also talk through it with her before she makes a decision, explaining what to expect from the stay: what they might do while she’s there, for example.
“You can sit with them in their anxiety or fear, talk it through in a supportive way, help them identify their strengths and coping skills, while also maintaining the boundary (they have to go to school, etc).”
— Megan Glotz, licensed marriage and family therapist
Your role as the parent of an older child with separation anxiety
If your older child is experiencing separation anxiety, one of the most important things you can do is model the behavior you’d like to see. And that starts with believing that both you and they can handle hard things. Because if you’re insecure or unsure, you’ll keep your child closer to you, subconsciously feeding that neediness, says Cohen.
And if you don’t allow them to utilize their proverbial coping muscles, they will “become more and more helpless and feel more anxious,” cautions Cohen. When they encounter a problem, they will want to hand it off to their parent to make it go away.
But these kinds of “problems are not resolved because we just avoid them or run away from them,” she adds. Instead, you need to trust that your child can navigate some challenges and difficulties, and that it will make them stronger.
When to seek professional help for separation anxiety
You don’t have to wait for something major to happen to seek out a professional’s help, says Cohen. When it comes to separation anxiety, the experts share that strengths-based counseling or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be helpful, among other modalities. Here are signs that therapy would be helpful for your child, according to the experts we spoke to.
If it’s going on too long or is severe
If your child’s separation anxiety “feels like it has been going on for too long, or if the separation anxiety seems very severe and it is impacting multiple areas of life (school/work, social, family, health),” Campbell recommends seeking out a professional.
If it morphs into other behavior
If your child’s anxiety isn’t being addressed or resolved, it may find another outlet to get attention, says Cohen. For example, your child may exhibit more avoidance, aggression, outbursts or regressive behaviors.
If it is negatively impacting the family
Separation anxiety can be hard on the whole family — parents don’t feel like they can have time to themselves, and it is obviously distressing for the child. If your child’s anxiety is causing stress to the whole family and is persistent, Glotz says that is an indicator that it has moved out of the normal range.
If they are exhibiting developmentally inappropriate behavior
If your child starts throwing tantrums or showing other inappropriate behaviors for their age, it might be time to get professional support, says Campbell.
If you aren’t seeing progress, despite exhausting strategies and tools
“If you have implemented some of the strategies and tools to help alleviate their anxiety, and you are not seeing any upward progress, then it may be time to seek out additional support,” advises Glotz. “When in doubt, speak with a school counselor or therapist about the behaviors to see what the recommendation is. Sometimes it truly is a phase, and sometimes it is deeper,” they add.
A final word of advice: Nail down your goodbye routine
Regardless of the reason behind your separation, “drop-offs can be extremely tough for younger kids when they are crying and clinging to your leg,” acknowledges Campbell. So it’s important to come up with a consistent and concise routine. This should consist of “a quick good-bye or drop-off mantra that you say to them every day, a quick hug and then parents should leave as quickly as possible,” she adds.
The bottom line, according to Glotz: “Remember that the more consistent you are as parents, the quicker this stage will hopefully pass. It is a brief stage for most.”
