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Your nanny is generally caring and responsible, but every time you pop in on them, they’re glued to their phone. Or, maybe your kids report that their babysitter never really plays with them and is “always on their phone.” Perhaps you’ve recently viewed your nanny cam footage and saw your provider using their phone — and not just during naptime, like you’d previously agreed.
If these scenarios sound familiar, you’re not alone. Excessive phone use by babysitters or nannies is an issue many families face, says Katie Provinziano, founder of Westside Nannies. “Phones have become an essential part of daily life, relied upon by many for everything from scheduling to entertainment, and nannies are no exception.”
Provinziano’s advice is to address any issues surrounding phone or screen usage as directly as possible. “Not happy about your nanny’s cell phone usage? Let them know in a professional yet kind way. Communication is key in a successful nanny-family relationship,” she says. Here’s how Provinziano and other experts say you can bring it up.
Key takeaways
- The best way to address excessive phone use by nannies or sitters is to set some ground rules about tech usage as soon as you hire them.
- If you haven’t set rules or if the rules aren’t being followed, having a check-in meeting to discuss phone usage is a good idea.
- Every family has their own boundaries about phone use and there is no “right” answer here. Either way, sharing your personal preferences and aligning with your child care provider on common sense rules is essential.
How do you set phone rules with a nanny or sitter?
The best way to prevent excessive phone use by your nanny or sitter is to establish some ground rules right off the bat, says Provinziano. She recommends having a conversation about phone boundaries during the onboarding process. If your hiring process is less formal, then it’s important to make sure to have this conversation before your nanny or sitter begins work, such as during the initial interview.
Nikki Huijun Li, family therapist and founder of Kitchen Table Psychotherapy, LLC, agrees. “Parents should make sure to include expectations around phone usage in the intro meeting,” she says. “If it is not discussed, it can become a common problem.”
What phone rules should you set for nannies and sitters?
All families are different, and what phone and screen rules look like will vary from one family to another. Li says that some rules to consider include:
- When social media, texting or personal calls will be allowed. For example, not when the child is awake and being actively cared for.
- Whether you allow phone use during naptime. Is it OK to check phones when the nanny or sitter is supervising during quiet times?
- Having the phone set to make sounds or vibrate only in response to emergencies. If they’re only being alerted to parent-related or personal emergencies, constant checking is not needed.
Another thing to consider, says Provinziano, is how frequently you expect your nanny or sitter to check in with you about how their child is doing, especially considering that these check-ins typically happen by phone. “For example,” she explains, “do you prefer they send you regular updates throughout the day or are you comfortable with a check-in post-shift?”
Remember: It’s never too late to set boundaries
What if you didn’t have a boundary-setting meeting before your nanny or babysitter started work? It’s not too late, Provinziano emphasizes. If you think phone use might become an issue, she recommends having a checking-in meeting at any time, where you discuss phone and tech boundaries that you’d like to establish or reinforce.
“If you ever have a question about your nanny’s phone usage, the best thing to do is ask. If you are uncomfortable with how something is going, bring it up with professionalism and with kindness.”
— Katie Provinziano, veteran nanny and child care expert
What do you do if your babysitter or nanny is always on the phone?
Before you address your nanny or sitter’s excessive phone use, it can be helpful to try to discern whether their phone use is truly a problem. Remember, everyone is going to have a different threshold for what is acceptable. “There is no set-in-stone right or wrong way; it just depends on your family’s level of comfort and preference,” Provinziano says. With that in mind, here are some steps to take.
1. Assess your feelings: Are you overreacting?
Sometimes parents see a caregiver on their phone once or twice, and they panic, thinking that something is very wrong or that this phone usage is going to be harmful to their kids. Li recommends practicing self-awareness in these moments and asking yourself whether your child is actually in danger or if maybe it’s your anxiety talking.
“Of course we get nervous when it comes to our children,” Li says. “When you notice yourself tensing up, pause, take a breath and ask yourself: Is my child in danger or being harmed? If not, then you might be overreacting.”
After calming down, you can try to get more information about your nanny’s phone usage. Ask yourself:
- Were they checking their phone because of a particular event or emergency?
- Is this phone activity happening daily, or is it just that you happened to see them doing it on that day?
- Is your nanny generally engaged and attentive or are there signs their phone use is impacting their ability to be a good caregiver?
2. Bring it up calmly
OK, so you’ve decided that your nanny or sitter’s phone is definitely excessive, or goes against your boundaries. But how and when should you bring this up? “If you ever have a question about your nanny’s phone usage, the best thing to do is ask,” Provinziano says. “If you are uncomfortable with how something is going, bring it up with professionalism and with kindness.”
Additionally, Li recommends rehearsing what you’re going to say and trying to use non-confrontational language. For example, saying “I would like to address expectations around phone use so we are on the same page” will likely work better than “You are always on your phone and failing at your job.”
3. Make sure it’s a good time to talk
Li recommends setting up a specific time for the conversations and making sure the environment is not chaotic or distracting. This might be as simple as going into a room away from your children and closing the door.
Having established regular check-in times with your nanny or sitter from the outset can be helpful and is the perfect time and place to initiate this conversation, Provinziano shares. But if you don’t have check-ins built into your routine, you can ask your nanny or sitter if you can coordinate a time to chat.
4. Be professional and respectful
Here are Provinziano’s tips for making this conversation as respectful and productive as possible:
- Share your thoughts and observations. Let them know how you’re feeling about their phone or screen usage and share what you’ve noticed.
- Offer potential solutions. “Perhaps you suggest they use their phone at a specific time of day (i.e., their break or while a child is in a class). Or perhaps you reinforce any pre-existing boundaries by reminding them what they are,” Provinziano says. “If there aren’t any pre-existing boundaries in place, now is a great time to introduce some.”
- Let them ask questions. Ask if they have any concerns about your phone use boundaries or phone usage in general.
- End on a positive note. “Consider highlighting something you’ve noticed that’s going well to keep the conversation positive and end it on a high note,” Provinziano suggests. “Reminding them how appreciated their work is goes a long way, too.”
“Of course we get nervous when it comes to our children. When you notice yourself tensing up, pause, take a breath and ask yourself: Is my child in danger or being harmed?”
— Nikki Huijun Li, family therapist
When should nannies or babysitters be allowed to use phones?
Nannies and sitters are people too, with their own lives and families to tend to. Some families are OK with their nanny or sitter using their phone during breaks or when their own children need them, says Provinziano. But other families are only OK with phone usage during emergencies.
In addition, some nannies or sitters use their phone to plan activities for the kids they are caring for, take photos of the children to share with parents, keep track of the day or perform other kid-related tasks. Many families are OK with phone usage for these types of things.
The bottom line? It’s essential to share your boundaries with your nanny or sitter and make sure that all parties are on the same page.
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What if a nanny or sitter doesn’t respect your phone rules?
So, you’ve established boundaries with your nanny or sitter and also had a conversation to check-in with them about their phone usage, but they still aren’t changing their behavior. Now what? Provinziano recommends taking note of what’s happening and documenting the problem so it can be addressed in the future.
Another check-in meeting about boundaries can be helpful. Provinziano also suggests offering alternative ideas for your nanny or sitter regarding phone use. For instance, if they are using their phone to take photos of your child for you, but you’d prefer they didn’t, you can offer to give them a digital camera. If they’re using their phone to write down notes, you can offer them a notebook and suggest they transfer their notes to their phone at the end of the day.
If all of this doesn’t work, you can also consider giving them a formal warning, stating that if they don’t address the concerns you brought up, you might need to terminate their employment. Having to say goodbye to your nanny can be challenging, but sometimes it’s for the best.
“At the end of the day, not every nanny-family fit is a great one, and if boundaries aren’t being respected, then terminating the relationship may be the step for you,” Provinziano concludes.
