In this article
Watching your little one bound into daycare with nary a look back can feel bittersweet. But watching your little one tear up — or, worse, completely break down — can feel like a knife to the heart. That being said, it’s common.
“It’s totally normal for kids to have drop off anxiety, even after a while,” explains Laura Todd, a licensed therapist, infant and early childhood mental health specialist in Santa Clara, California. “Every kid has a different temperament. Easy going temperaments will have an easier time transitioning during drop offs, slow to warm or challenging temperaments may take longer because they need more time to transition into a different environment, even if it’s a familiar one.”
Of course, the pervasiveness of daycare tears doesn’t make drop-off any easier. Here, experts share advice on how to tackle this heart-breaking parenting challenge.
Key takeaways
- Drop-off tears are extremely common and can happen even after weeks or months of smooth mornings. Kids’ temperaments and life transitions play a big role in how easily they separate.
- Your calm, confident energy is the most powerful tool — keep goodbyes short, predictable and warm, and consider using transitional objects or simple rituals. Most children settle shortly after you leave, even if the drop-off feels dramatic.
- Preparation and consistency help ease anxiety, from practicing routines at home to giving your child a small “job” or reading books about separation. If crying persists or suddenly appears, touch base with teachers to look for simple causes and solutions.
Is it normal for kids to have drop-off anxiety?
“Drop-off tears often appear in toddlerhood and preschool, but can even be present in early elementary years,” notes Janice Robinson-Celeste, an early childhood specialist and founder of Successful Black Parenting magazine, adding that it’s not uncommon for it to go away and then reappear.
“This often happens during a routine change, an illness, a family shift, a vacation or a developmental leap,” notes Robinson-Celeste. “Children regress and progress in cycles, and separation is one of the big emotional skills they practice again and again.”
“A long goodbye signals uncertainty. Create a predictable ritual, like a hug, a phrase or a special high-five. Then leave with calm assurance, even if you feel nervous.”
— Janice Robinson-Celeste, early childhood specialist
How can I deal with crying and anxiety at drop off?
The most important thing parents and caregivers can do at drop off, per Robinson-Celeste and Donna Whittaker, vice president of curriculum and education at Big Blue Marble Academy, is to stay grounded.
“Children take emotional cues from the adults in their lives,” says Whittaker. “By remaining calm, it will help your child to mirror that calmness.”
Put another way: “Keep your goodbye short, warm, confident and consistent,” notes Robinson-Celeste.
“A long goodbye signals uncertainty,” she continues. “Create a predictable ritual, like a hug, a phrase or a special high-five. Then leave with calm assurance, even if you feel nervous. Teachers can follow up with a quick message once your child settles, which usually happens faster than you think.”
Todd adds that parents can also provide support through transitional objects. “This may be a favorite stuffed animal, an item of yours that they can hold onto or even a picture to remind them that mom or dad are coming back,” she says.
How can I start to prepare my child before drop-off?
Preparation starts at home, and there are a number of ways to do this.
1. Practice for the first day
For kids starting off a new year, or who are going to daycare or school for the first time, Robinson-Celeste gives the following options:
- Drive by the daycare or school before it starts.
- Role-play “school time” at home.
- Share photos of their teacher.
- Give your child a morning job. “This can be carrying their bag or handing a note to the teacher,” Robinson-Celeste says. “When children feel part of the process, they feel more in control and far less overwhelmed.”
2. Explore their feelings using stories
Todd adds that reading books about separation can be a great way to prepare kids, as well. Two of her favorites:
- “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst.
- “The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn.
“These stories help facilitate a conversation about being dropped off and separated from mom and dad, but still being connected during the separation,” says Todd.
3. Give them techniques to self-soothe
Also, keep in mind, teaching your child self-soothing techniques while they’re calm, is a key life skill, Whittaker notes.
“While they are not in a state of upset, show them how to take big belly breaths, which will help them activate the thinking and reasoning part of their brain, known as the prefrontal cortex,” she says.
4. Talk them through the drop-off process
Finally, consider painting a mental picture of what drop-off will look like for your child, particularly how challenging behaviors will be handled.
“For instance, if your child holds you and doesn’t let go, set the expectation that ‘we will hug while we count to ten and then let go,’” says Whittaker.
The reason, she notes, is because “children think in pictures until the age of 7, so it is extremely important to provide them with a vivid mental model of what the change will look like.”
Remember, while your child may cry at drop-off and even pickup, that does not mean that they have cried all day. Communicate with your child’s teacher to gather more information.”
— Donna Whittaker, early childhood education expert
Does daycare drop-off anxiety go away? (And what if it doesn’t?)
Drop-off tears generally decrease with time, as kids get older and/or more used to their routines. (Around “two to three weeks” for most kids, according to Robinson-Celeste.) If not, Robinson-Celeste and Whittaker both suggest exploring the root cause.
“This is the point when I would ask the center to allow me to observe my child quietly for a short period,” Robinson-Celeste notes. “I would look for environmental factors, overwhelming transitions, social dynamics or moments where a child might feel lost or unsupported.”
“It does not automatically mean the center is doing something wrong,” she continues, “Often it reveals a simple pattern that just needs adjustment.” (Whittaker notes it could be something as simple as they want to build with blocks, and there are not enough to support all the builders.)
If you find the cause of your child’s anxiety, “help them generate some positive solutions, such as asking the teacher for help,” Whittaker notes.
Additionally, Todd adds, you can ”talk to the teacher or pediatrician to see if there is any additional support or tools that are needed to help your child have an easier time transitioning.”
What if drop-off crying is a new thing?
Again, it’s not uncommon, note both Todd and Robinson-Celeste. “It may be triggered by a developmental milestone, a new teacher, a shift at home, disrupted sleep or even a growth spurt,” Robinson-Celeste says.
“Treat it the same way you treated the first adjustment period,” she continues. “Stay consistent, keep communication open with the teachers and monitor whether the behavior improves within a week or two.”
Crying at daycare or preschool drop-off is almost always made better by staying calm and consistent. And keep in mind: The tears are often short-lived.
“Many children have trouble separating from their parents at drop-off but recover quickly after they settle into the routine of the day,” Whittaker says. “Remember, while your child may cry at drop-off and even pickup, that does not mean that they have cried all day. Communicate with your child’s teacher to gather more information.”
