How working moms can balance their career and bonding with their toddler

Balancing your career and home life as a working mom of a toddler can feel impossible most days. You want to excel in your career, but you also feel the desire and (let’s be real) pressure to be an involved and present parent in your finite time with your toddler. This push and pull can leave you with very little energy or resources at the end of the day.

“It can feel like an impossible task to be able to show up fully in both spheres the way you would ideally want to — and given the lack of systemic support that currently exists in our culture,” says Jess Feldt, a leadership coach.

But there’s still hope if you’re wondering, “Is it possible to find balance as a working mom of a toddler?” The answer is yes — with some caveats. We spoke to career coaches and counselors who offered various strategies and techniques to create a system that can actually offer more work-life balance.

The uphill battle working moms of toddler face when it comes to balance

As a working mom with a young kiddo, you are well aware that you are juggling a lot of responsibilities at work and at home. 

“You have to fit everything that needs to be done: Quality time with your kid(s), household admin, cooking and cleaning into a small window each evening,” says Sam Aldrich, a parent of one in Brooklyn. “Honestly, [balance is] an unrealistic expectation, and you can’t productivity hack your way out of it.”

Statistics underscore how busy working moms are. According to U.S. Department of Labor (DOL), 74% of moms with children are in the labor force, and these women: 

• Work 35+ hours a week.
• Spend more than 13 hours a week on chores.
• Actively care for their children an average of 12.5 hours a week.

A significant portion of working mothers (nearly two-thirds) find time to volunteer, as well.

They are also more likely to experience work responsibilities seeping into their home hours and vice versa. 

“Honestly, [balance is] an unrealistic expectation, and you can’t productivity hack your way out of it.”

— Sam Aldrich, a parent of one in Brooklyn

How to find balance as a working mom of a toddler

So, what can you actually do to find balance and establish boundaries to protect your mental health?

Clarify how you want to spend your time and energy

When it comes down to it, there’s a fact you have to contend with as a working mom of a toddler: You have 24 hours in the day. That’s it. So you have to prioritize and, ultimately, accept what you can and cannot do, says Feldt. 

“You can build in all the hacks in the world (time-blocking, using ChatGPT, multi-tasking, etc.), but if you’re simply filling in the saved space with more tasks and to-dos, it is never going to feel like enough,” she adds. “Priorities clarify where your time and energy go.” 

However, don’t get overwhelmed thinking that once you decide on priorities, they’re written in stone. Feldt recommends jotting down priorities at this moment. For example, that might look like doing pick-up three days a week (which means you say no to after-work happy hours or events those days).

Know that it is not only OK to pick and choose — it’s necessary. “It’s also OK if reaching for that promotion is a priority right now, and that may mean working extra hours early in the morning instead of going for a run or a workout,” Feldt adds. “The key is that not everything can be a priority. That’s the black hole to burnout and guilt.” 

So, how do you even begin setting your priorities when everything — from catching up with your best friend over coffee and taking your toddler to the park, to getting groceries and finishing that presentation for work tomorrow — feels important or even like a non-negotiable must-do? A good place to start is with these questions from, Allie McQuaid, a licensed clinical professional counselor and owner of Tree House Therapy, LLC:

• What part of your day feels the most overwhelming or draining?
• If one thing could change to make life easier right now, what would it be?
• Where do you feel most like yourself?
• How can you create more of those moments (even in small bites)?

Learn how to say “no”

It can be beyond challenging to say “no,” but when you have limited time, it’s one little word that can be a huge lifesaver. 

“You do not have to go to all the birthday parties, you do not have to say yes to travel plans that stretch your budget or make you uncomfortable [and] your kid does not have to sign up for sports when they are 2,” stresses Allison Venditti, a career coach, advocate and founder of Moms at Work. And spending your precious weekends running around to every kid-centric event or activity you’re invited to isn’t a requirement. Instead, focus your energy on the things that matter most to you and your family, whether that be hanging out with friends at a park, catching up on tasks at home or taking your favorite fitness class.

In the same way that priorities are your “yes,” according to Feldt, “boundaries protect those priorities.” Setting and holding boundaries is key to being present in both the work and home spheres, she says.

How to set boundaries around your work

If you can, it’s ideal that you stick to your typical work hours — for your mental health and the health of your family life, says perinatal mental health therapist Heidi McBain. However, depending on your job, it may be impossible to not answer that email at 8 p.m. or have to jump into a meeting early in the morning.

If your job is bleeding into your home life, it’s not a personal failing, says Venditti. It’s a systemic problem. So “if you do occasionally need to bring work home, boundaries are key,” she adds. Here are some ways you can set those boundaries.

Have a work mindset

If you have work to catch up on outside of your typical hours, try to find a time and space where that can be your focus, says Feldt. 

“That may mean asking your partner to take the kids to the park for a bit or finding a spot in the house where you can shut the door,” she notes.

Keep your work to one space

This might look like utilizing the dining table or a corner of the bedroom, but don’t let it sprawl across the house. That includes one-off emails on your phone; take it to that separate place if possible.

Set clear time frames 

“‘I’m working from 10-12’ is different from ‘I’ll just do a bit whenever I can squeeze it in,’” says Venditti. “The goal isn’t to cram more in — it’s to protect your home and your family time as much as possible.”

For Aldrich this meant avoiding “working in the evenings after my son went to bed, unless it’s truly urgent.” She found that it depleted her energy, which ultimately led her to feel it wasn’t worth it.

Put your “working hours” on your email/calendar 

Consider making a visual calendar for your toddler “to help them understand if mom has to go into a separate space,” says McQuaid.

Have a home mindset 

Once you’re done working after hours, put your phone aside, turn off your notifications and do your best to be present at home, advises Feldt.

Whether you’re at home or at work, the important thing is to be present in that space, says Feldt. “It’s the pull to be in both mindsets that makes us feel like we are doing neither well,” she adds. “As much as mothers may want to believe that multi-tasking is our superpower, humans are notoriously bad at it, and we end up wasting a lot of time and energy in context-switching between one task or the other.”

“As much as mothers may want to believe that multi-tasking is our superpower, humans are notoriously bad at it, and we end up wasting a lot of time and energy in context-switching between one task or the other.”

— Jess Feldt, a leadership coach

How to maximize your time at work 

One of the ways you can avoid letting work bleed into your home life is by making the most of your time when you’re actually focused on career-related tasks. Some suggestions:

Set regular goals

At the beginning of each day and week, write down your top three priorities (such as preparing for an important meeting, tying up the loose strings on a big project and finally dealing with those pesky expense reports).

Be strategic with your daily schedule

With limited work hours a day, how you structure them can make a big difference. Try blocking off the first and last hour of your day to plan and prep for any meetings, and wrap up tasks/emails at the end of the day. Another way to maximize your work hours is to stack meetings back-to-back to allow longer stretches of focus time throughout the week.

Protect your time

Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of being a helpful team worker bee if it doesn’t align with your career goals. For example, if you don’t have the time and energy to plan social events with coworkers, don’t raise your hand. There will be time for that when your toddler is older. (Maybe.)

Delegate when and where you can

If there are tasks you don’t personally need to do and they’re draining your energy, delegate, delegate, delegate. While it can be hard to give up complete control, it can be an opportunity for your more junior teammates to learn something new and for you to focus your attention on your priorities.

Try the Pomodoro Technique

If you need to focus, try the Pomodoro Technique, which involves working for 25 minutes and then taking a 5 minute break (and a longer — 15- to 30-minute — break every four intervals). This time management tool works by encouraging short spurts of focused work, followed by breaks long enough to reset but not so long where it might affect your workflow. This can help encourage efficiency and reduce burnout.

Make the most of quality time with your toddler

When your time with your toddler is limited by other responsibilities, it can be easy to fall into a guilt trap. But there are two important words to remember here: quality and presence. Your toddler doesn’t need elaborate plans, says Venditti. And 20 minutes of undistracted connection can have more of an impact than a whole day of multitasking. When you have those windows of time, here’s how to maximize it.

Prioritize intentional moments

These moments for deep connection don’t have to be complicated. The important part is that your toddler has your full focus. Here are some ideas:

• Eating dinner together sans phones.
• A silly dance party before bathtime.
• Sitting on the floor and letting them “help” fold the laundry.

Let your toddler lead during playtime

Start with a simple “I want to play with you!” advises McQuaid. That no-strings-attached phrase “will be music to your kid’s ears,” she adds. Then, do your best to let them feel in control of the play, whether that leads you to the building blocks they delight in knocking over or playing “baby” with their stuffies. This will help your toddler (especially if they’re going through a power struggle phase) to feel a sense of control and that they’re seen by you. 

Introduce activities you like, too

Your toddler probably has some favorite activities — pretending laundry baskets are cars or spaceships or dancing and singing with their favorite Disney soundtrack — but don’t forget to include them in things you enjoy too. “For example if you don’t like playing dolls/pretend play, then ask your child if they want to color or do a puzzle,” suggests McQuaid. Introducing your toddler to activities you enjoy is a new opportunity for bonding. Plus, if you’re doing an activity you like, you’re more likely to stay present in that moment with your child.

Don’t discount the power of rituals

Rituals can make your time together feel extra meaningful, says Venditti. Here are some examples:

• Sharing a special goodbye at daycare drop-off.
• Reading the same book every night.
• Enjoying a weekend pancake breakfast.

Game plan with your partner

If you’re trying to optimize your time at work and at home with your family, and you have a partner, it’s important to bring them into your strategy session. After all, “parenting and running a household is a joint project, and both adults need to step up,” says Venditti.

Feldt encourages couples to talk about the load of caregiving. “It’s not always an easy conversation, but it should never be an assumption that Mom is handling it all,” she says. 

One way to build this as a habit? “Have a weekly family meeting where you go through the calendars, the to-dos, doctor’s appointments, etc. together and candidly discuss who has the capacity to take on each task,” she advises. 

This meeting can literally be 10 minutes on a Sunday evening, adds Venditti. And it’s a way to be proactive, rather than reactive. For example, if you both have a busy week and need backup, you might discuss if you have the budget for a babysitter (so you can attend that event or catch up on work) or meal delivery.

“Parenting and running a household is a joint project, and both adults need to step up.”

— Allison Venditti, a career coach

Decide if you can outsource low-desire tasks or automate them

If you can afford it, outsource tasks that are draining your energy, advises Feldt.

Examples of things you might be able to hire someone else to do include:

• Cleaning.
• Dog walking.
• Laundry.
• Landscaping duties.
• Travel planning.
• Home organization.
• Home upkeep (like painting or cleaning gutters).
• Food preparation.
• Grocery or meal delivery.

Doing this allows you to double down on the tasks that energize you and keep you firing on all cylinders through your busy day.

There are also certain tasks we do every day, and putting them on autopilot can save you mental and physical energy. For example, don’t spend precious energy trying to plan different breakfast options, if it’s not a task that offers you joy, suggests Aldrich. Instead, rotate between a few you know you like and that unquestionably fuel you throughout your busy mornings. 

Go to bat for a flex-work schedule

As you likely already know if you work in an office full-time, strict rules about commuting to an office every day of the week can be challenging for working moms, says McBain. In fact, during COVID, a lot of moms felt like they got more done in a shorter amount of time without all the in-office distractions and interruptions, she adds. 

And the stats back up the value of flexible work arrangements, according to a study published in Nature. After trying out hybrid work arrangements, 395 managers changed their minds. At first, they thought it would hurt productivity, but after the experiment, they actually saw a small boost. The study also found that hybrid work made employees happier in their jobs and less likely to quit.

So if your office offers any flexibility, like a remote work policy, take advantage. And if they don’t? 

“Know that if you’re advocating for yourself and your family with your company for what you need in this phase of life, other moms are probably needing these changes in their own lives too,” says McBain. “So, you may want to band together with other moms to talk about policy changes at work with HR. But, remember that you can also effect change all on your own by talking with your supervisor or HR, as well.” 

She adds, “The hope is that this flexibility can become the norm for working moms, not something we’re still having to fight for in the workplace.”

A final word on finding balance as a working mom of a toddler

Even after working through the above suggestions, you may never find balance in the traditional sense. Instead, Feldt says it can help to reframe your “perfect balance” as a work in progress. “[This] means making intentional decisions about where your time, energy and other resources are best spent at any given time,” she notes. 

There will be times that your family and your little one needs more of you, whether during times of transition, illness or holidays. And sometimes your career will demand more from you, thanks to big picture projects, promotions or travel. As Feldt concludes, all you can do is continue to make “choices that reflect your priorities and protect your boundaries.”