Dealing with aging parents and toxic behavior: How to cope

Your parent refuses help. They deny there’s a problem. They lash out at anyone who suggests a doctor’s visit or moving to safer housing. Meanwhile, siblings have stopped calling and you’re left bearing the seemingly impossible burden of every crisis, argument and worry.

Caring for an aging parent who displays stubborn, dismissive or even toxic behavior is one of the most draining challenges an adult child can face. But understanding what drives these behaviors and knowing how to respond without burning yourself out can make all the difference.

“A lot of people see the behavior and forget what’s underneath it,” says Nusha Nouhi, a clinical and health psychologist at Marina Health of California. “In older adults, stubbornness is almost never just stubbornness. It’s fear, it’s pride, it’s loneliness, it’s losing independence. It’s feeling like your world is shrinking.”

The good news is, there are practical strategies that can help, from communication techniques that actually lower resistance to knowing when it’s time to bring in professional support. Whether your parent refuses care, strains family relationships or leaves you feeling emotionally depleted, there are ways to protect both their safety and your sanity.

What’s really behind aging parents’ difficult behavior

Before you can address difficult behavior, it helps to understand where it’s coming from. The experts we spoke to say that what looks like stubbornness is often rooted in deeper emotional distress.

Fear, loneliness and loss of control often show up as irritability

“Depression in seniors often looks like irritability or withdrawing,” Nouhi explains. “Anxiety can look like controlling every detail or refusing any change. And when someone feels like they’re losing control of their life, saying ‘no’ becomes one of the last things they feel they can control.”

Niloufar Esmaeilpour, a registered clinical counselor and founder of Lotus Therapy & Counselling Centre, adds that resistance is often self-protection: “Loneliness can result in tighter attachment to daily activities or a refusal to accept help. Anything that might intrude upon their security may be viewed as a threat.”

“When someone feels like they’re losing control of their life, saying ‘no’ becomes one of the last things they feel they can control.”

— Nusha Nouhi, clinical and health psychologist

Medical or cognitive issues can masquerade as behavior problems

Experts stress the importance of watching for changes that don’t align with your parent’s long-term personality. 

“Look for change,” Nouhi says. “Patterns that don’t match who your parent has always been can be a signal that something deeper is going on.”

Red flags that warrant professional medical evaluation include:

• Sudden mood shifts or personality changes.
• Increased mistrust or paranoia.
• Memory problems or confusion.
• Social withdrawal or loss of interest in activities.
• Refusing basic self-care or neglecting hygiene.
• Significant changes in eating or sleeping habits.

Tammy Gold, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in eldercare, notes that safety-related issues are especially concerning. “Refusing medical care, unsafe driving, falls or inability to manage finances all signal that support is needed,” she says.

Dealing with an aging parent who won’t communicate

For Clayton Eidson, a family caregiver and founder of an insurance agency, living through it at home revealed just how draining the day-to-day resistance could be. “The opposition showed up in small but constant ways,” he says. “Arguments over medications. Denying help when it was clearly needed. The tension grew to the point that everyone was anticipating conflict, which only made things worse.”

Once you understand what’s fueling the resistance, your next goal is to communicate in a way that doesn’t escalate tension. While your impulse may be to push harder with logic and facts, experts say that approach rarely works. Instead, focus on validating and de-escalating.

1. Lead with empathy

“Rather than highlighting the negative behavior, I suggest adult children acknowledge the emotions behind it by saying something like, ‘I know this is frustrating for you,'” says Esmaeilpour.

2. Use collaborative language

According to Esmaeilpour, phrases like “Let’s find a solution together” or “How can we make this work?” can help your parent feel included rather than overruled.

3. Keep conversations brief and focused

Eidson found that long explanations made his parent feel as though they were being lectured. “Brief discussions were more effective,” he says. “Trying to communicate too much at once just didn’t get through.”

4. Lead with their values, not logistics

Gold recommends starting with “What matters most to them?” rather than immediately jumping to practical solutions. Understanding their priorities makes it easier to frame suggestions in ways they might actually hear.

How to ask siblings and other family members to help out

When a parent is being difficult, siblings may distance themselves emotionally or physically, leaving one person to handle the fallout alone. But resentment and miscommunication can worsen an already stressful situation.

Create a predictable communication rhythm

Esmaeilpour recommends regular family check-ins — even short ones — where everyone can share updates, frustrations and decisions without blame. This keeps siblings informed and prevents last-minute crises.

Use shared tools to divide responsibilities

Group texts, shared calendars or care apps can clarify:

• Who’s driving to appointments.
• Who’s managing bills.
• Who’s handling medication.
• Who’s taking the next respite shift.

For Eidson, assigning roles helped ease tension between himself and his siblings. “I handled the insurance and medical coordination since that was my expertise,” he says. “Having expectations finally spelled out minimized tension.”

Accept what you can’t control

If repeated conversations don’t shift the dynamic, it may be time to accept the reality and seek outside support rather than continuing to fight for equal participation.

“If siblings don’t show up, that’s their choice,” Nouhi says. “But it doesn’t get to dictate your happiness.”

Setting boundaries with aging parents without guilt

For many caregivers — especially those who feel like the last sibling standing — setting boundaries can feel impossible. Guilt creeps in: “If I don’t do this, who will?” But experts agree that boundaries are essential for sustainable caregiving.

“Set limits based on respect and safety, not punishment,” says Esmaeilpour. “That might mean specifying the kinds of behavior that won’t be tolerated in the house or limiting how much time you spend managing crises.”

Eidson found that boundaries were crucial for his well-being: “I stepped back during arguments and only intervened when decisions had to be made,” he said. “It didn’t always make things right, but it did protect my energy.”

Helpful boundary scripts include:

• “I can talk about this tomorrow, not tonight.”
• “I won’t stay on the phone if I’m being yelled at.”
• “I can help on weekends, but not every day.”

Having pre-planned responses helps you stay calm during emotional moments. “You have to set limits or you’ll get pulled into every emotional fire,” Nouhi says. 

“Families don’t break in a single moment. They wear down through exhaustion. Protecting the capacity of each individual is the only way to protect the relationship.”

— Clayton Eidson, family caregiver

How to take care of yourself so you don’t burn out

Caregiver burnout can creep up slowly and then suddenly feel unmanageable. Nouhi sees this often: “You can love your parent deeply and still feel completely exhausted by them. Both can be true.”

Practical self-care strategies

• Take structured breaks: Esmaeilpour recommends dedicating time away from caregiving regularly, even if brief. Walking, journaling, therapy and time with friends all help restore emotional capacity.
• Practice grounding techniques: “Breathing exercises or meditation can help caregivers respond more calmly,” Esmaeilpour says.
• Seek therapy or join a support group: Talking with a professional or connecting with other caregivers can provide perspective and validation.

Eidson experienced his own breaking point when he realized how unsustainable things had become. “I was running my house the same way I run my staff in the open enrollment,” he says. “Too many moving parts and no structure.”

What he wishes he had known sooner is something many caregivers learn only in hindsight: fatigue accumulates. “Families don’t break in a single moment,” he says. “They wear down through exhaustion. Protecting the capacity of each individual is the only way to protect the relationship.”

What if you can’t get through to your aging parent?

Even with empathy and boundaries, some parents remain angry, dismissive or resistant. This can be devastating for caregivers, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

Recommit to your boundaries

“Boundaries should be strictly followed,” Esmaeilpour says. “This is about safety, respect and sustainability.”

Sometimes that means limiting interaction, bringing in respite care or stepping back entirely during high-conflict periods.

Shift expectations

Letting go of the fantasy of the “ideal” resolution can release you from chronic frustration. Esmaeilpour reminds caregivers, “It’s hard but necessary to accept that you can’t fix all behaviors.”

When to bring in professional help

Knowing when to involve outside professionals can be the turning point that saves both your parent’s safety and your sanity. Gold recommends reaching out when:

• Caregiving affects your sleep, work or health
• There is ongoing family conflict
• The parent refuses essential care
• Cognitive or medical needs are escalating

“Parents will often listen to a neutral professional more than their adult children,” she says.

Consider care coordination support

Gold says there are three types of coordinated support that can give families some much-needed breathing room:

• Geriatric care managers assess your parent’s needs, coordinate services and advocate on your family’s behalf.
• Area Agencies on Aging connect you with local community resources, meal programs, transportation services and respite care.
• Social workers help you navigate insurance, housing options and long-term care planning.

Explore mental health support

Professional mental health support can address underlying depression, anxiety or grief that may be driving difficult behaviors. A geriatric psychiatrist or therapist experienced with older adults can provide targeted treatment.

Gold emphasizes that professional conversations should be empathetic and collaborative, not rooted in guilt or fear.

A final thought on caring for a stubborn parent

Understanding the “why” behind your parent’s difficult behavior doesn’t make it less exhausting. Nouhi puts it eloquently: “It can still hurt. It can still drain you. It can still make you feel alone in the family dynamic. And that’s real.”

Leading with empathy, setting firm boundaries and knowing when to ask for help can shift the dynamic while protecting your own well-being. You’re allowed to keep living your life, and you’re allowed to seek help when the burden becomes too heavy to carry alone.

Sustainable caregiving means finding the balance between supporting your parent and supporting yourself. And sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is recognize when you need a break.