What is back-to-school anxiety? How to help a child who’s struggling

Depending on a child’s particular situation and personality, back-to-school anxiety can show up in a variety of ways. Your child may worry all summer long about what teacher they will have, or their anxiety may show up suddenly on the first day of school in the form of a “I don’t want to go” meltdown. Either way, it’s distressing — for both the child and the parent.

Whether your child is going back to school in the fall, or they are just starting preschool, it’s common for kids to experience anticipatory anxiety, given many potential sources of worry, explains Lauren Cook, a clinical psychologist and author of “Generation Anxiety.” They might be meeting a new teacher and new classmates, and they’ll have to navigate all kinds of social dynamics and learn more challenging content, she adds. 

Below, child development experts explain the signs of back-to-school anxiety, how to help your child cope, when to seek professional help and more.

What is back-to-school anxiety?

Everyone benefits from a degree of structure and predictability in their daily lives, says Erica Kalkut, pediatric neuropsychologist and executive clinical director at LifeStance Health. But children, in particular, “are less flexible or adaptable to changes,” and “significant changes to their routine can create a higher degree of stress for them,” she adds. 

What that looks like can differ based on age. For example, elementary-age children are probably nervous about being away from their parents and home, says Robyn Isman, a licensed independent clinical social worker and parent coach based out of Massachusetts. 

Or they may worry about performance, as in the case of the 8-year-old daughter of Ashley Lynn Boyd, a professor at Wiregrass Georgia Technical College in Abbeville, Georgia. Her daughter’s anxiety comes out in crying fits, as she worries about not being ready for the next grade and state testing, says Boyd.

And in middle school, kids may be anxious about fitting in, juggling friend dynamics and handling new routines. 

The pressure shifts again when they reach high school, adds Isman. “Now we’re talking about performance, identity, academic pressure, maybe even college. They’re not just wondering who they’ll sit with at lunch — they’re wondering who they are and who they’re supposed to become.”

The bottom line: Back-to-school anxiety can happen at any age. Here are some of the emotional, behavioral and physical signs it might be affecting your child.

Emotional signs of back-to-school anxiety

• Tears.
• Clinginess.
• Irritability.
• Whining.
• Complaining.
• “I don’t want to go” meltdowns.
• Avoidance or withdrawing.
• Perfectionism.

Behavioral signs of back-to-school anxiety

• Yelling.
• Hitting.
• Reverting to younger developmental behaviors, such as sucking on their thumb or using baby talk.
• Acting out toward parents and/or siblings.
• Frequently seeking reassurance.
• School refusal.
• Isolating themselves.
• Becoming more attached to a caregiver.

Physical signs of back-to-school anxiety

• Stomach aches.
• Headaches.
• Difficulty sleeping or sleep disturbances.
• Changes in eating habits.

“Parents should anticipate some degree of change in their child’s behavior, emotions and actions leading up to the start of the school year. Typically, this will start within two weeks prior to the start of school and subside within the month following the start of school.” 

— Erica Kalkut, pediatric neuropsychologist

How to help kids struggling with back-to-school anxiety 

If your child is experiencing back-to-school anxiety, there are a number of calming techniques you can try that may help settle their nervous system. For example, the experts we spoke to suggest trying the following: 

• Fidget spinners. Utilizing a fidget spinner in class (if OK-ed by the teacher) can help your child focus on something other than their anxiety.
• Grounding exercises. Think body scan meditation — noticing sensations in different parts of your body — or paying attention to the input from your five senses.

• Visualization. Imagine a calm/peaceful place and think about what you see, feel, smell, taste and hear.
• A sensory/self-care toolkit. Consider objects like something soft or squishy (touch), a peppermint candy or Jolly Rancher (taste/smell), etc. You might also include comfort items like a family photo or an encouraging note.
• Talk with a trusted person. This could include a friend, parent or therapist.
• Make a plan. Knowing that anxieties may be heightened throughout the day, map out steps for coping in the moment, such as implementing a hand signal with the teacher when your child needs to step outside to take deep breaths, get a drink of water or visit the school counselor. Your child may also be allowed to bring a small fidget or comfort item to hold or squeeze during moments of anxiety. 
• Reduce hand-held screen time. This is particularly important if school-related anxiety has been an issue in the past, says Kristen McNeely, licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified behavior analyst and owner of Kristen McNeely Consulting & Family Counseling, Inc., a telehealth practice in California. Studies show that excessive screen time can be linked to anxiety.
• Teach your child to advocate for themselves. This might look like raising their hand and asking to step outside of the classroom for a moment, says Cook. “Teaching them how to get out and get what they need is an important skill to teach early on.”
• Utilize school counselors. 
• Use positive self-talk phrases. Examples of this are  “I am OK,” “I am safe,” “I can do hard things” or “My parents are picking me up soon.”

Back-to-school anxiety tools based on your child’s age

There are also tools that may be helpful for your child’s specific age group.

Back-to-school anxiety strategies for elementary-age kids

If your elementary-age child is experiencing back-to-school anxiety, here are some ideas and tools from the experts to help combat that discomfort.

• Establish predictable bedtime and morning routines. Younger kids thrive on routine, says McNeely.
• Name it to tame it. Isman recommends helping your child name the feeling: “It sounds like your tummy feels tight because you’re worried about who your teacher will be.”
• Use transitional objects. This could include a note in their pocket, matching bracelets, etc. to help them feel connected to you even when you’re apart, says Isman.
• Practice breathing activities. An example of this is square breathing in which you inhale, hold your breath, and then exhale and hold your breath for the same count, mirroring the four sides of a square.
• Increase independence. If possible, encourage independence, says Isman. It can decrease anxiety because it makes kids feel capable of handling new and hard things, she adds. This might look like encouraging them to help prepare for the next school day, such as packing lunch or laying out clothes.

Back-to-school anxiety strategies for middle school-age kids

For kids in middle school, Isman recommends shifting to empowering tools (as they are becoming more self-aware), like the following: 

• Journal. They can also utilize voice notes to vent without judgment. 
• Reframe “what-ifs.” Isman recommends challenging anxious thoughts gently (e.g. “What if you actually like your new class?”).
• Reset their routine. Ensure their sleep schedule is adequate and their day is structured to keep them even keeled.
• Teach them to recognize physical signs of anxiety. These can include a tight chest and racing thoughts. Offer quick grounding tools like box breathing or 5-4-3-2-1 grounding (locate and identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste).

Back-to-school anxiety strategies for high school-age kids

Because they need ownership over their day, Isman recommends the following strategies for managing back-to-school anxiety for high schoolers.

• Let them plan “the plan.” Think: creating schedules and working on coping strategies.
• Teach self-talk and reframing tools. This way they can coach themselves in the moment.
• Set boundaries around tech and doomscrolling. This is particularly important at night. It can have a huge impact on sleep and anxiety.

How to help with school anxiety, as parents

If your child is experiencing back-to-school anxiety and is distressed, your first instinct as a parent may be to try to solve the problem for them or minimize the situation, saying something like “There is nothing to be scared about” or “You will be fine once you get there,” shares Erin Campbell, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Raising Resilient Teens. However well-intentioned, minimizing or ignoring the problem won’t make their anxiety go away. Instead, consider the following advice for helping your child navigate back-to-school anxiety.

Manage your own stress and anxiety 

Kids can pick up on your anxiety, so “it is really important to manage your own anxieties and emotions as a parent so that they are not projected onto your child,” says Megan Glotz, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Raising Resilient Teens. Managing your own stress is “key in helping your child’s anxiety,” she adds. 

If you need help learning how to respond to your child’s anxiety, Isman recommends Yale’s SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) method, which teaches parents how to respond more supportively to their anxious child and how to reduce the accommodations they have been making to the child’s symptoms. These strategies help parents support their child with anxiety, “not by ‘fixing’ the child, but by changing how the parent responds to the anxiety,” she adds. “It’s the most effective and efficient way to begin to lower your kids’ anxiety.” 

Validate their feelings 

Really listening to your kids about what they are fearful of and acknowledging those thoughts and feelings can be very helpful in navigating back-to-school anxiety, says Campbell. Instead of immediately jumping to trying to fix the problem, using validating phrases like “Starting a new school is scary” or “I know it’s hard meeting a new teacher or friends in your class” can help them feel seen and heard, she adds.

Marie R., a human resources manager and parent of two in Minneapolis, found that acknowledging her 7-year-old’s anxiety and giving her space to talk helps. “I also advocate for her when others may not understand her worry or try to downplay it,” she adds. “I often wish I had an adult to do that for me when I was a child.”

Don’t talk about it extensively 

If your child has anxiety, it can be helpful to share concrete information with them, says McNeely. Where their class will be, who their teacher is (if they know) and who’s going to take them to school and pick them up, for example. However, “parents may want to be cautious of trying to solve every little worry that comes up for their child because at the end of the day, anxiety will usually just come up with more questions, ” she adds.
And “extensive talking really does very little to reduce anxious feelings, and oftentimes, it actually makes them worse. Parents will become stuck in a trap of trying to reason with their child about why they don’t need to be anxious, or try to rationalize with them why their past experiences prove that they can handle whatever they’re scared of. The problem is that our anxiety doesn’t care about our logic.” 

If your child seems to be “stuck” in a loop of anxiety, asking the same questions over and over again, “the best message from parents in this situation is ‘here is the information I have — I don’t know all the answers, and I believe in you and your ability to handle it.”

Communicate with school staff

Kids may show signs of anxiety at home but less frequently at school, meaning school staff may be unaware of the issues, says McNeely. This can potentially lead to both parents and school staff inadvertently over-accommodating an anxious child, she adds. 

This might look like “allowing them to go to the school office or nurse when anxious, or having parents come pick them up from school early,” McNeely says. And “while these strategies are usually very well-intentioned, these types of accommodations reinforce anxiety, and actually will likely cause it to grow in the long run.”

For that reason, be sure to collaborate with your child’s school to ensure that everyone is on the same page.

Empower your child to problem-solve 

To encourage your child to own the situation that’s giving them anxiety, ask them “if there is anything that will help them,” says Glotz. “Let them brainstorm and come up with age-appropriate strategies, [which] can give them confidence and help combat the anxious feelings.” 

Possible solutions: a dry run of the drive to school, touring their school or class (if it’s an option), talking through the drop-off and pick-up process, helping them memorize their class schedule or scheduling a carpool with friends for the first few days, she adds.

When to seek professional help with back-to-school anxiety

“Parents should anticipate some degree of change in their child’s behavior, emotions and actions leading up to the start of the school year,” says Kalkut. “Typically, this will start within two weeks prior to the start of school and subside within the month following the start of school.” 

However, if your child begins “to anticipate or worry about school much earlier in their summer break, [they] might be experiencing higher than expected levels of anxiety,” she adds.

But if that describes your child, what do you do? “If your child’s anxiety is getting in the way of their day-to-day functioning, it may be necessary to seek outside help,” advises Campbell. If their signs of anxiety are worsening, their anxiety is increasing as the school year progresses or they’re exhibiting school refusal, a therapist or the school may be able to help your child.

How to prepare your child for going back to school

If you suspect your child is dealing with school anxiety or want to be proactive, easing into the back-to-school routine early can help. For example, if your kids have been staying up later than they would during the school year, it can be “helpful if parents start working on getting back to a regular bedtime a week or two before the school year starts,” says McNeely.

You can also start practicing your kid’s full back-to-school evening and morning routine at least a few days before school starts, says Cook. This means setting out clothes and other supplies the night before. In the same way that practicing a skill makes you more comfortable and proficient in it, getting acclimated to the school routine ahead of time can help minimize anxiety.