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If you’ve been asking yourself, “Should I have a third child?” and are having a tough time deciding, you are far from alone. “The decision to have a third child can be difficult for modern families because a third child can shift the family dynamic from one-on-one coverage to being outnumbered by the children,” says Stephanie Lewis, a therapist and executive director at Epiphany Wellness.
But it’s not just the idea of being outnumbered that can be hard. You may have concerns surrounding “how much time is spent on each child, spreading yourself too thin and other financial pressures that come with childcare like more space, larger cars and savings for the future,” Lewis describes.
If you are in the middle of deciding on a third baby, we’ve got you. We connected with therapists, financial advisors and real parents to help you navigate this difficult choice.
Key takeaways
- People who consider having a third child are often motivated by a desire to give their kids more playmates. Others came from small families and always wanted bigger families or came from bigger families and wanted the same for their kids.
- Factors to consider when deciding on a third baby include practicalities like car size and house size, child care options, career opportunities, emotional needs and finances.
- Having a third child can be messy and chaotic, but many parents learn to go with the flow. Parents say it’s helpful to accept that being a perfect parent is possible, but “good enough” is just fine.
Understand your motivation for deciding on a third baby
There are many reasons why people consider adding a third child to their family, and they are unique to each person. But there are some factors that are common to this decision.
According to Karissa Provost, a licensed marriage and family therapist and utpatient clinical director at Clear Behavioral Health, some of the most common reasons people cite for wanting a third child include:
- Having had multiple siblings growing up and having positive memories.
- Growing up in a smaller family and wanting something different for their kids.
- Having two children of the same gender and wanting a chance to mix things up.
- Feeling that the adjustment anxiety of being a new parent has decreased,.
- Feeling confident about parenting an additional child.
- A gut feeling when looking at a family portrait and thinking, “One more would make this even better.”
“Make sure you are making a decision rooted in desire. If you genuinely can’t shake the feeling that something is missing from your family, that instinct may be the most important tell.”
— Karissa Provost, licensed marriage and family therapist
Identifying pressure vs. genuine desire
Part of the reason that deciding to expand your family can be so stressful for people is that they may feel like they “should” have a third child. Maybe this comes from pressure from their family, from their spouse, from their community or within themselves.
There’s also the “fear of regret,” says Provost. This is the idea that if you don’t just go ahead and have another child now, you might regret it down the road.
There are definitely valid reasons to have a third child — including feeling that your family isn’t complete yet or wanting more playmates for your children — but doing so because of external pressures is likely not a good reason. “Make sure you are making a decision rooted in desire,” Provost advises. “If you genuinely can’t shake the feeling that something is missing from your family, that instinct may be the most important tell.”
Should I have a third child? What to consider
There are many important factors to consider when making decisions about adding children to your family. Here are some expert-takes on important aspects to consider as you navigate this choice.
1. Your support network
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and when you add more kids into the mix, you really need to consider what kind of outside support you have. “I believe the ‘third child decision’ is so challenging for modern families due to the overall lack of support moms feel currently, says Leanne Morton, a licensed professional counselor at Wild Sunflower Wellness. This includes:
- Living further away from their families of origin.
- Raising families without a ‘community.’
- Rising child care costs and the cost of living.
- Living in a society that frequently devalues mothers.
That is why she urges parents — especially mothers — to consider what their responsibilities might look like once a third child is added.
“Many parents, especially moms, are expected to take on the roles of child care, managing a household and working outside of the home, and when considering having a third child, all of those pieces need to be taken into consideration,” she says.
2. Your (and your partner’s) emotional readiness
Having a third child is a deeply personal decision, and you need to consider things like your emotional resilience, as well as your own personal sense of being able to handle the increased demands of a larger family.
You also have to make sure your significant other is on the same page as you.
“Ultimately, having three children is a transition into a beautiful yet demanding level of chaos,” Lewis describes. “And while you can never be sure if it is the right call, communication with your partner, honest self-assessment and following a strong gut feeling are the best guides to this deeply personal choice.”
3. What your lifestyle will look like with a third child
There are numerous practicalities to consider as well, says Provost. Here are some:
- Family leave. How much parental leave will you have once your baby arrives? Are hybrid or work-from-home options available?
- Car size. Will you need to upgrade to a bigger car if you go from two to three kids? “While you may have been able to make it work with a four-seater sedan, now this becomes logistically impossible,” says Provost.
- House size. Do you have enough bedrooms and living/breathing space for three kids?
- Schooling and transportation. What will happen with drop-offs and pick-ups when you need to take a new baby to daycare?
“…It is a mix of chaos and deep connection. Having three kids or more stretches you, challenges you and offers an invitation to grow.”
— Kamini Wood, life coach and mom of 5
4. Can you afford a third child?
Perhaps one of the more important and pressing considerations when deciding on a third baby is whether or not you can afford it. Each child that you add to your family comes with some serious cost to consider. Here are few day-to-day costs to keep in mind:
- Daycare.
- Afterschool care.
- Summer camps.
- Grocery bills.
- College savings.
- Having to buy a bigger car.
- Having to buy a bigger home.
Covering these immediate costs isn’t the only consideration, says Eric Croak, CFP, certified financial planner and president of Croak Capital. “Sometimes the hardest part isn’t the initial price tag, it’s the duration,” he says. “20-plus years of overlapping tuition and travel costs, along with transitional expenses if you space your kids out, can quite silently derail retirement or catapult families into a higher tax bracket.”
Financial litmus tests
According to Croak, the test to figure out whether you can afford a third child isn’t just whether your monthly income will cover your expenses, but to look at longer term financial questions. He urges parents to ask themselves:
- Do you have a buffer, like an emergency fund worth six months of living expenses?
- Will you still be able to contribute to long-term savings if you have another child?
- Will having to pay expenses for a third child mean paring down retirement savings?
5. How will a third child impact your career?
One of the biggest factors that doesn’t always occur to parents to consider is the career opportunity costs of adding another child into your family. As Provost notes, taking care of an additional life could mean:
- Less time devoted to developing your career.
- Missed opportunities for raises and promotions.
- Delaying retirement or other significant career moves.
Not to mention, uou or your coparent could need to quit your job or work less in order to raise three kids. Taking a hard look at your career goals can help you decide whether having another child makes sense for you.
Having third child: Pros and cons
As you consider the question of whether or not to have a third child, it can be helpful to make a pros and cons list. In one column, list the potential benefits of expanding your family. In the other, list the challenges.
These two lists will be different from one family to another, but may include the above emotional, practical and financial considerations. Once you’ve made this list, you can use it as a springboard for discussions with the important people in your life, such as your spouse or co-parent, extended family members, friends and others
What is it really like to have three kids?
OK, so what is having three kids (or more!) really like? Kamini Wood, mom of five, parent coach, podcaster and founder of Live Joy Your Way, describes it this way: “The honest answer is it is a mix of chaos and deep connection. Having three kids or more stretches you, challenges you and offers an invitation to grow.”
Here’s what to know about life with three kids.
Survival, then a shift
The first two years of having three kids? “Pure survival mode,” says Provost. “You’re running at maybe 60% of your usual capacity, and even that feels generous on some days.”
But, she adds, something shifts once your youngest is out of the baby/toddler years. “The kids start entertaining each other, and you get these sweet little sibling dynamics that just didn’t exist when you had two,” Provost describes. “Maybe you witness your daughter guiding her younger brother to put away his toys after he’s done playing with them — a moment that brings joy and relief as you realize that’s one less task on your plate.”
“When people are genuinely ready, they’re not imagining the perfect version of a third kid. They’re imagining the messy parts too — the chaos, the unpredictability — and they still feel excited.”
— Karissa Provost
You become the “good enough” parent
Once you’re a parent of three or more kids, perfectionism is out the window. “Good enough” becomes your parenting mantra.
“Families who thrive let go of the pressure to do everything ‘right’ and focus on connection instead of performance,” Provost says. “The parents who end up happy with the decision usually say some version of: ‘It’s tiring, but it feels right. It feels like us.’”
How do you know if you’re making the right decision?
There are many valid reasons for wanting and having a third child, including wanting your kids to have more siblings, enjoying the bustling life of a large family or simply feeling like having a third child will make your family “complete.”
It’s also important to consider what isn’t a good reason for adding a third child to the mix. According to Provost, adding a child to fix your family dynamics — like two siblings not getting along or a looming relationship problem — is not a reason to have another child. “Babies can’t fix that,” she says. “In fact, they may even make matters worse and more complicated.”
So, how do you know if you’re genuinely ready for baby number three?
“When people are genuinely ready, they’re not imagining the perfect version of a third kid,” Provost concludes. “They’re imagining the messy parts too — the chaos, the unpredictability — and they still feel excited.”
