Hi all,

We hired a new PT Nanny about one month ago and I'm struggling a bit with whether my expectations are too high. Through a placement agency, she was hired so $1000 later and now $15/hour, at 30+ hours per week, this is a costly proposition for my family. We provide the vehicle for her to use when driving our children. We live in central NJ.

We need a split shift, someone that comes in the morning to help me for about 2 hours and someone that comes in the afternoon to pick the girls up from school/bus and drive them to activites. That was very hard to find. Prior to hiring her, I spent a lot of time interviewing thru
Care.com and Sittercity and no one came through; even when I tried to get someone different for each shift.

Our Nanny is 55 with only about 1 year of PT experience (3 hrs/day when Mom was home with 2 children under 5). Prior to that she worked in industry. I have 2 spirited girls, ages 10 and 6 that need someone who can stand up to them. She simply can't. If they don't want to do their hw, they don't. If they run away from her in public, she doesn't yell to them or grab them. If they don't want to go to their activities, they don't. She doesn't readily take my direction on how to approach these difficult situations. Instead, she says it's them and that they are being excessively difficult and tells me (in a somewhat nice way) that i should have more control of them. I have a 3rd daughter (toddler) but am sure she couldn't manage all 3 so she is in daycare most of the time.

The positives are that she is very punctual, reliable, and I was even able to reach her once in the middle of the night for an emergency. She keeps the house very clean and tidy and has been doing the children's wash and keeping the kitchen clean. She will even cook for the girls. I know I can always reach her when I call her.

My friends say that with the split shift requirement, driving, and $15/hr rate, I'm expecting too much.

We are also offerring 1 week's paid vacation after 6 months and 6 paid holidays.

I don't want to create more tension than there is already and wonder if I should be performing a review or if this just isn't the best fit. Before we had a young energetic college student who coudl match wills with my girls anyday. Homework was always done, she hosted playdates, and did lots of fun things with the girls - when she was here. She certainly wasn't as reliable and often would have to leave early or couldn't come for this reason or that. She also left the house a complete mess.

Anything you all can offer in terms of opinions, advice, would be greatly appreciated!!

Rosanne

Hi Rosanne,

I don't think it sounds like you are asking for a lot. It sounds like yes, you want someone who will keep your kids safe from harm, but with kids that age, it would seem logical to have someone who will also be responsible for homework enforcement and discipline. Not a pushover. The girls don't respect her, it's very clear. That said, I can completely empathize how hard it might be to find someone for such a situation. I think it really depends on two things -- how much you value (1) someone who can enforce discipline and routine in your two girls who are going through ages that are no longer toddlers and (2) punctuality and dependability. We have a wonderful nanny that is wonderful with my daughter who's almost 3, but she does take an excessive amount of sick days which can cause some disruptions since we are both working parents. Many of times, we've wanted to let her go, but something in my gut tells me that she's good for our daughter and a good nanny for the child is hard to find. And the majority of the time, we feel really good about her. Until her next sick day, anyway. :-)

One other thing, as for the clean house and all....you can always hire a maid once every two weeks.

Hi Rosanne,

We've had a part time nanny for 5 months now with a baby under a year. I wanted to let her go previously due to the nanny not being lively with my little one and actually said, "I think the baby gets bored with me." She is in her late 40's and doesn't have as much energy as a college-aged person. We've stuck with it because the message boards on care.com envision how hard it really is to find a good, loving, reliable person.

I think you are asking for a lot. You want the perfect person and I don't know that it exists. You have to realize what is most important to you and what you value most in a nanny. If your top priority is to have the girls' homework done and respect their caregiver, then she is not the right fit. If your top priority is to have someone reliable that always shows up and does the job, then she seems like a better fit - the girls are still being looked after, just not as well as you hoped.

I was ready to find someone else after a month but we decided to stick it out a few more weeks to see if there was any progress after our discussion with our nanny, and we are happy we did. You have a tough decision to make; I hope I was able to help.

Monica

Hello there, well I for one do NOT think your expectations are too high. But have you made them clear to her? Sometimes we have to review in detail our expectations. The price for your area is really good I must say, I lived in central jersey for a few years. Is she through a nanny agency? If so have them help you out and most have guarantees. Our children are the most important people to us as parents and we want what we want. So if its not meeting your expectations then address it. Pump that fist and get to it. The sooner the better. She may just not understand what you expect. Some nannies are timid and don't want to over step their bounds. Here is a nationwide nanny agency that may can assist you. I refer people to them through my work Family Care Solutions 734-459-6930.

I agree, with Robyn W and I don't think your expectations are too high especially hiring from an agency!

I live in NNJ and my max budget is $10/hr for 13 mth old twin boys so I get a lot of college applicants. I don't expect them to drive anywhere and they still nap for about 2-3+ hours during each shift so there is some down time and I think my rate is fair. I don't think your expectations are too high. I actually had another mom of twins tell me not to let a sitter have too much down time and that I should assign her laundry and other tasks instead of letting her read/watch tv because they will get lazy and take advantage. But, I'm not too demanding when mostly everything is done. I don't like to be micro-managed, so why would they?

One of the most important things I have learned through this hired help process is to provide my childcare candidates the expectations up front BEFORE they interview. This scary list has saved me a lot of time because once that babysitters/nanny applicants review the level of detail they know that I mean business. I just recently had to hire another childcare helper so I must say that putting my expectations in front of candidates caused a lot of applicants to reconsider once they saw the house rules, the boys schedule and my expectations. I also check references. One reference told me that the person I was considering wasn't proactive with cleaning up after herself and constantly left dirty dishes out. To me that is unacceptable, but to her, she was okay with that because her priority was to ensure her autistic son got on the school bus while she went to work in NY. Anyway, I decided that cleanliness was a priority for me and I hired someone else.

Also, the other thing I should mention is the first day I spend 12 hours showing them how I would like things done so it's like a paid training day from when they wake up until they go to sleep. With my new sitter, there are still times I have to tell her how I would prefer her to do things, for example, today I caught her washing a pot with the baby bottle brush. I simply explained, we don't use that baby's bottle brush for anything besides that, so here's a sponge. So sometimes, it's a matter of education. I also had second thoughts with my current sitter because of a few other issues that have come up however I try to give feedback and work with her to be more clear about how I like things so my boys have some stablitiy with care.

I think you should type up a document of expectation for your nanny so everything is in black and white and there is no guess work about your expectations. That seems to work for me and I keep a copy in my kitchen they can refer to throughout the day.

We all have challenges and I'm glad there are so many working moms on this site that are actively contributing!

Have a happy holiday weekend everyone!

Hi Kristin,
We have 13 months old b/g twins and after reading your reply I realized we are almost going through the same things with child care. We live in Atlanta.
I need to find another nanny for 3 days a week since our current nanny will move out of town soon and I would like to make sure I provide all our expectations to the new nanny before she starts working with us.
Do you mind sending me a copy of your document of reponsibilities for the nanny?
Thanks,

Sezin

Would you mind sharing your expectation list with us all
Thanks
Phil in CNJ

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

"Kristin C." wrote:

Thank you everyone for your responses!! They all have given me some things to think about.

Just to respond to the suggestion about writing expectations, I definitely did do this with a very detailed job description. She just seems to unable to influence the girls to do something they don't want to do and when I gently suggest certain strategies, she acts as though they would not work because as she says, "the girls have made up their minds".

Though I"m not quite sure what my next step will be, all of our posts have been sooooo helpful to me.

Thank you again!!

Hello Rosanne,

I have 2 girls, 6 and 9. We are having the exact same problems. We are looking for someone to pick up the girls from school and stay with them until we get home. My girlsare able to manipulate the sitters into watching tv rather than doing homework and the sitter just going along with it. I feel your pain. We are trying to find someone who is able to keep the girls on task to finish their homework and help us with getting dinner started. We'd be happy if the first task would be done. Our pay rate in Michigan is lower than yours but it has been hard to find someone on care.com or sittercity.com.

Just wanted to let you know that there are other people out there in the same boat!

Good Luck,
Hania

It all depends on what is most important to you. If she is not fulfilling your three top needs on your list, I would start looking again. I know it is a chore to look. It usually takes me 1-3 months to find the right person.

I don't think you're expecting too much, either. Have you thought about reaching out to the local colleges/universities? I'm sure there's probably an undergraduate student who might find that your split shift requirement is ideal for them.