It's my Ex's birthday. On my birthday, she always gets a card for me (from the boys) and has the boys sign it. This year, I got a card for her for the children to sign, but I am doing it with trepidation. Ostensibly, the card is for the children. In the words of a blogger I read on the subject, it "gives the children permission to love the other parent." That blogger convinced me to get her a card. It is for the children.

However, I prefer that she not get me a card "from the children." I'd rather we just didn't start a tradition of getting things for the other parent. My parents can give cards to the children for them to give to me. (Actually, the children don't need to get me a card at all.) Her parents or boyfriend can do the same for her.

How do other people feel about getting cards or gifts for your ex on behalf of the children?

Thanks for any advice you can give me!

Personally...
I don't do anything "from the children" for my ex... for a few reasons...
My childen saw my ex assault me..verbally many times and physically once, so "pretending" for him to have them call me on my birthday or mothers day, which he does, means absolutely nothing to me and is more of a slap in the face than anything else..especially since he doesn't pay child support on time (on principle, stating that if I can't afford to keep the children, I shouldn't be allowed to have them).
Another reason is that I heavily resented when growing up HAVING to call or get anything for anyone and I don't want my kids to resent me...
When they are old enough (they are 9 and 5 now) and they wish to call or make me a card, they can and will.

This year, Mother's Day fell on a Sunday. My ex refused to give up his Sunday for me to have time with my kids so

"Jim C." <singleparents@groups.care.com> wrote:

>

..hit the send button too early... that's what happens when you go senile early!

My ex refused to allow me to have Mother's Day with my kids, but he made sure to have my kids call me to wish me a happy mom's day...
It meant nothing. On my birthday however, my 9 year old daughter drew me a beautiful card and had my 5 year old sign it (sort of *smile). That meant more than having anyone get me anything from my kids.
Hin

"Jim C." <singleparents@groups.care.com> wrote:

>

Hello All

As the parent of a 22 year old and a 3 year old, I'll tell you that the blogger is right. Allow the kids to pick out a card or small present, based on the $ limit that you give them. Children love to give gifts, and the way they see it is that you would allow them to purchase a gift for a friend so why not one for their mother or father. My 22 year old told me a couple of years ago that she really appreciated the fact that I allowed her to purchase gifts for her father for Father's day, birthdays, and Christmas and reminded her of the dates even though I didn't care to acknowledge him myself. Kids love their parents, regardless of our faults and so it's important to let them show that love. And know that when they get older, the blinders will come off. Plus it was nothing more than a few dollars, you'd give that to a stranger in need.


Shawna King
NuStar Energy Accounts Payable
Accounting Manager
(210) 918-4975
email: Shawna.king@nustarenergy.com

We don't do birthdays thru the kids. If the kids want to do something for Dad, I tell them to draw him a picture ad write a poem for him. I think its better than me trying to pick a card at the store which really didn't come from them because I paid for it! Just a thought. However, Last father's day, my daughters asked for money to take their dad to lunch. I gave them the money... they did the calling and setting up the date themselves:-)

On Aug 24, 2011 4:36 PM, "Jim C." <singleparents@groups.care.com> wrote: me
and my ex do the same thing, but its only because our kid is still young and
brings up the point to get a card..as she gets older I'm definitely not
going to continue with it.
>
>

Everyone must do what they are comfortable with, but I think that the answer to this question depends on the age of your children.  If your kids are to small to either select, purchase, or make cards themselves, then to pick one for them to give to their mother I think is a very positive reflection on you, and teaches your children a valuable lesson about showing love and appreciation.
 
If your relationship with your ex is strained, trust me ... your children know that. So when you separate any anxiety you have about her from the love your children have for her (which they can show with the cards), you are showing them emotional control, an example of graciousness, and that you are willing to put their best interest (teaching them to acknowledge their mother), over any personal feelings you have. 
 
If your children are older, either encourage them to use their allowances, or allot a specific amount of money to them to get her gifts for birthdays, mother's day and other holidays that you all celebrate.  And even though you may not want the cards given to you ... I think that you are still looking at that thru the prism of your relationship with the ex, as opposed to what it helps you build with your children.  This "gift giving" won't last long ... once the kids are older this will be a distant practice that won't cross your mind again, but will have taught some valuable lessons.
 
Just my 2 cents opinion ...
 
Sherry W.

--- On Wed, 8/24/11, Jim C. <singleparents@groups.care.com> wrote:

Well, since my kid's mother only has them on Mon-Wed, she doesn't have them w/ her as much as most mothers. This was her choice so, I look at it as if there's a holiday or b-day and the kids want to get her a card, I leave that up to my ex's mother in law to provide that service.

I do make arrangements for the kids to spend Mother's day w/ her, there should be some normalcy.

But if I were you, I wouldn't buy a card or gift. Kids can make cards and her side of the family can provide the gift for her, from the kids if need be.

I appreciate all the feedback. I'm glad that others have some of the same feelings (pro and con) that I do. For this time, I went ahead and had the kids sign a card and add additional sheets of paper per child. I put it in the handoff backpack and it came back apparently unread.

The parenting schedule isn't really an issue. A Joint Parenting Agreement says that she gets the kids on Mother's day and on her birthday (although, she voluntarily relinquished her birthday) and selected holidays. She only looks after the children on Saturdays and every other Sunday. This was by her choice, (however, I think if I had held out longer I would have gotten full custody.) The birthday card was definitely not out of love for my Ex. I still don't know if it is the right thing for my children, though.

I am new to the postings, but not to the issue. I just passed my ex's bday, and my boys and I were on vacation. I almost forgot it was his birthday until I asked someone the date! I immediately had the boys call him. He sends emails to EVERYONE on his email distribution list with a uniform note, he receives reminders in his Outlook, so his emails birthday wishes feel more like a check on his to-do list. I decided I didn't need to send a card, but always have my boys call him.

As for Fathers Day and Mothers Day, since we manage the calendar that is a mandatory weekend with Mom or Day, depending on the holiday!

When life hands you a bowl of cherries, sit back and enjoy them!!!

Ok, I really enjoyed watching the individuals who "got out of themselves" and looked at the best interest of the children. You do not have to "buy" anything.. you can have the kids make a card "if they wish" to do that. Yes, as the parent (a responsible one) you may have to remind them it is a Birthday, etc. but that is better than have a child resent that you didn't. Depending on the age & the status of the divorce - I see one abusive relationship above - if there is no relationship or interaction in the other parent, then it may be best not to rehash that hurt. If the other parent is on your crap list, realize it is the child's other parent and just as important to them as you are (which may or may not irritate you) and the love you have for your kids could shine through. This is the type of thing your kids will remember fondly when they grow both physically and emotionally/mentally (Unless you stunt them with pettiness..).

holy prophet is one spiritual man i would forever give regards to, he brought my husband back to me after my old friend tried to blackmail me to take my husband and made him divorce me with wrong accusation. But this holy prophet did a prayer that resolved issues with my husband and push the other lady far away from him. I am happy to have my husband back, this prophet is great. his email is holyprophet8@gmail.com, he really surprised me.