My Groups@Care > Single Parents > Discussions > Anybody else tired of dating?
Join this group today to get in on the conversation Join this group
Anybody else tired of dating?
By Sheila B. on Fri Mar 26, 2010 at 11:36 AM EDT
A couple of weeks ago I had coffee with a blind date who was attractive, interesting, and successful... but I was just too darned worn out to care.

Before that, I had a couple of dates and the next day had inexplicable headaches.

I guess what I'm telling myself is--I'd rather be single.

Anybody else feel that way?

Sheila
 
 
By Stacy C. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 9:59 AM EDT
Dating is very difficult! Not only because it's time consuming when you already need an additional 2 hours in the day to get everything done, but also because there's no one that will love your children as much as you do. From my perspective as a working single mom, a guy has to be pretty special to take time away from my child when I already wish that I had more time with him. :)

My perfect evening used to be a nice dinner and walk. It's now sitting on the couch catching up with my son about his day! :)
 
 
By Kelly H. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 10:07 AM EDT
I'm a single mom by choice (got old and had my daughter on my own)... soooo... with no family near and older single friends who I decided to leave our comfortable lifestyle of wine clubs and travel - who just don't understand parenthood nor have interest in babysitting... I haven't dated in over 3 years!! But you're right, having a child all of a sudden takes away all that "need" to seek out a spouse (at least for me). I just have no interest in dating - which just perplexes my friends.

I fear I'll be my mother who divorced at 36 and never dated again!! Immersed her life in her kids (or used it as an excuse to NOT get over the fear of dating after being married 15 years). I remind myself that 1 day I don't want to be a burden on my daughter of not having my own life. Plus, I'd love to show her a nice nuclear family 1 day... so, I probably should put dating on my list at some point.
 
 
By Vicki M. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 10:11 AM EDT
I hear ya! I have been on a few dating sites over the last year and the dates have sucked! Everyone I met just wanted one thing! Like I would take them home to see my kids?! No way! I feel the same way. I'd rather stay at home with my kids and either go out or just sit home and relax!
 
 
By Sheila B. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 10:11 AM EDT
How do you feel it harmed you to have that much focus on you? I have a young friend who says the same thing. She has two great parents and has become a lovely young adult, and that is the one criticism I've heard her level at them.
 
 
By Stacy C. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 10:34 AM EDT
I'm not in a rush for a "nuclear" family. I live with no regrets and I fear that if I consume myself in finding "Mr. Right" (if there is one) :) that I will look back and regret not spending that extra time with my son... I know a little dramatic but that's how I feel. He's 5 now and wants all my time, not sure that when he's a teenager he'll feel the same way. So I better take advantage of it now!
 
 
By Carolyn W. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 2:12 PM EDT
I feel it makes more sense to use what little personal time I have away from my daughter to focus on ME, not a man. Although I miss male companionship, I get more out of going for a run, doing a workout, or taking a bath then I do spending time trying to meet Mr. Right and striking out over and over. I'm hoping that by dumb luck, I'll bump into this person while I'm out and about trying to better myself.
 
 
By Susan B. on Fri Apr 30, 2010 at 6:13 PM EDT
I'm with you Carolyn. I think online dating is not a good way to meet your ideal mate. I just got burned out on it. Also, I don't think people are who they say they are. I mean, just cause you say it, doesn't make it true. SHOW me. Even I guy I met at church... said he wanted to meet a good Christian woman who walks the walk. Well, I walked the walk and he kept trying to make moves. Even when I stopped him and said this is not where I want to go at this point. He agreed and then on subsequent dates, continued to try and make moves. I just don't have time for that drama! There may not be someone for me now because I am so picky because I have my girls to think about.
 
 
By Jennifer T. on Mon May 24, 2010 at 10:36 AM EDT
I have gone on so many first dates and no second. I would rather stay home then deal with self centered men. I have tried the online dating, what a joke that was.
 
 
By April M. on Mon May 24, 2010 at 11:06 AM EDT
I'm just so glad to know it's now just me! I went on a first date over a week ago and never heard anything from him! He lives in the neighborhood and our kids go to the same school so it's not like we aren't going to see each other. Even if we didn't "hit it off" as a couple, we could be friends and maybe help each other out from time to time. I just don't get it. And then I have another guy who calls me and all he wants to do is come over an "get it on" but we have never even been on a date and he obviously doesn't plan on asking me out on one. Please....put in some effort will you??

I agree with Carolyn W. I would rather spend time on ME when I have free time without the kids. I sometimes miss the male companionship, but all of you are correct in that no one will ever love my kids like I do and it's not worth the drama with him and potentially the ex-wife and kids. I'm doing good just being me!

Anyone in the Mount Pleasant, SC area looking for some single mom networking and help with the kids and all? Maybe we cna put a group together!
 
 
By Tamishia B. on Sun Jun 20, 2010 at 9:23 PM EDT
Dating can be a pain in the butt. I am in a going nowhere relationship right now and it sucks.Part of me desires to try and meet woman instead of men just to see if there is a change. Am I crazy for that? SOMEONE OUT THERE LET ME KNOW YOU OPINION.
 
 
By Connie R. on Sat Jun 26, 2010 at 4:31 PM EDT
Dating !!! what is that????
I prefer to spend time with my kids,..... wierd HA! I am so glad there is more moms like me, I am not alone!
 
 
By Ann M. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 9:53 AM EDT
hi look into 5 htp and vitamin b and lots of omegas as long a s you make sure this doesnt conflict with doctor recomended med it can help from the burn out
 
 
By Ann M. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 9:55 AM EDT
my son is 16 he enjoys my time with him infact he will take that over alot of dubious activiie. stong bond help when they are older . as far as dating i only had time for it when the man was able to apprec iate me for who i am
 
 
By Ann M. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 9:56 AM EDT
my son is 16 he enjoys my time with him infact he will take that over alot of dubious activiie. stong bond help when they are older . as far as dating i only had time for it when the man was able to apprec iate me for who i am
 
 
By Ann M. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 9:56 AM EDT
my son is 16 he enjoys my time with him infact he will take that over alot of dubious activiie. stong bond help when they are older . as far as dating i only had time for it when the man was able to apprec iate me for who i am
 
 
By Ann M. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 10:05 AM EDT
my son is 16 he enjoys my time with him infact he will take that over alot of dubious activiie. stong bond help when they are older . as far as dating i only had time for it when the man was able to apprec iate me for who i am
 
 
By Ann M. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 10:05 AM EDT
my son is 16 he enjoys my time with him infact he will take that over alot of dubious activiie. stong bond help when they are older . as far as dating i only had time for it when the man was able to apprec iate me for who i am
 
 
By Jill N. on Wed Aug 4, 2010 at 3:27 PM EDT
Definitely! I agree with some of the things stated earlier. When do you fit that in? And yet, being alone isn't my idea of forever, either. My girls are 8 and 4....maybe when they are a little older. I'm trying to just be the best mom I can be and get through the daily routine of work and laundry, dinner, school work (small break for summer...yay!) What I find more difficult is not finding the time to go on a date, but how to potentially transform that into a relationship. What does that look like? How does that work? Then, I come back and say, "When it's right, it won't look or feel so stressful"
 
 
By Anjel J. on Fri Aug 13, 2010 at 9:26 AM EDT
Hi Sheila B,
When I read your reaction to your recent blind dates it made me laugh, Im only 27 and I feel the same way you do, like I just want to be single. Because you do have to find someone that is not only right for you but for your child. Dating gives people the oppurtunity to put on a front, its only when you spend serious time around this person do you find that he or she is right, its just so tiring. lol
 
 
By Kenneth C. on Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 1:01 AM EST
One thing I learned going through my divorce is that being single has been a lot better than being in an relationship with the wrong person.
 
 
By Jennifer T. on Fri Mar 11, 2011 at 8:02 AM EST
I agree completely! With that being said, I'm tired of wasting my time finding out that they are the wrong person to be with.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

 
 
By Nicole M. on Sun Mar 20, 2011 at 8:41 PM EDT
Wow, it is so nice and refreshing to hear that I'm not the only one who prefers to be single! I am literally the LAST person out of ALL of my girlfriends who is not married, but my son is 3 (the oldest of the group) and honestly, I feel so conflicted about dating. Don't get me wrong, I don't have negative preconceptions about it, I just really don't know when I'd schedule it in. As a single mom, I work all day, and then as soon as I get out of work I rush to pick him up and spend the rest of the evening with him. I kind of feel like it's a double edged sword, because when I don't date, people tell me "Don't you think your son deserves to have a strong male in his life?" But I always think in the back of my head that when I do, those same people are probably going to say "Shouldn't she be at home taking care of her son instead of galavanting all over time with a guy?" I'll always have time to date, but I will never get his childhood back, so in the meantime, relationships are on the bottom of the priority list, and playtime is on top. When my son grows up, he'll be able to say I was always there for him. That's something no boyfriend is going to fill.
 
 
By Ryan R. on Wed Jun 15, 2011 at 8:21 PM EDT
I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter and also been trying dating off & on for nearly two years. Sometimes I get frustrated and feel like it's a waste of time and money, taking away from my hobbies. I spend 3 days/week with my daughter and that is fixed, so that only leaves four nights to date... or clean my house, walk my dog, get in shape, visit with friends, travel, etc. I have been choosing the latter options lately.
One thing that keeps me going back to the pond is a desire to have more children. My daughter will grow up and I will wish I had more, and that's not going to happen by myself! I also imagine I can meet someone who enjoys the same activities I do, so it's not taking away from my enjoyment of life, but hopefully adding to it. That's the idea with a partnership, right? It's not just about making babies, but that is a pretty important part for me.
If I met someone who also had children already, that would be okay, too. It might even be better. But as you folks all state, us single parents don't get out as much! You have to get out of hiding, or us good dads can't find you!
 
 
By Albee H. on Wed Jun 15, 2011 at 8:35 PM EDT
Amen
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

 
 
By Chantee F. on Wed Jun 15, 2011 at 8:40 PM EDT
Ryan, where do you live? We have A LOT in common and a lot of the same views.
Chantee
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

 
 
By Valerie L. on Wed Jun 15, 2011 at 10:32 PM EDT
I do feel that way. I'm crazy most of the time with Gabriel and writing that I don't date at all. In fact, I do not believe I'm missing anything without a partner or a date. My life is busy that I'm almost concerned about adding someone else to the equation. Do you are not alone
 
 
By Valerie L. on Wed Jun 15, 2011 at 10:33 PM EDT
I agree with catching up on my son's day, great evening ending.....
 
 
By Valerie L. on Wed Jun 15, 2011 at 10:38 PM EDT
What a great board, I'm sorry I haven't chimed in earlier. Being a single mom has made me stronger, more passionate, and happier than ever before. Dating is a joke and why waste time with jokes when I have a wonderful 10 year man at home who makes me laugh harder, louder, and loves me unconditionally. Thanks all for the board, will spend more time here.
 
 
By Gary C. on Thu Jun 30, 2011 at 7:22 PM EDT
WOW! You get to DATE???
I have dated, but it's like an act of congress to get it set up.
Last date I was on, we went out and had a drink and then ventured to this really nice seafood restaurant, but they were PACKED, so we had to wait. I'm a hour from home and my son's therapist is suppose to knock off at 8pm. I call her at 6:30 and tell her of the delima and she gets mad. So, I tell my date of the situation and she suggest we get it to go and eat at my house...so we did. We were still 30 minutes late...and the therapist was mad, but so what!
I hate her and I'm on Care.com trying to replace her.
Yea, I have no personal life and when I do, it's time sensitive.
Most times, I'm too tired anyway...I'm a work--a-holic.
I thought about getting married if I found someone special but I don't like people telling me what to do...also, why I'm self employed.
Yup...for me, freedom is worth having no personal life.
 
 
By Sigrid H. on Mon Mar 5, 2012 at 4:23 PM EST
I'm yearning to get to the point where I don't want a man. I'm stuck in the middle where I don't want to be bothered with junk, but that seems to be all that's out there. I feel like I have "screw me" nailed to my forehead....which makes me afraid to date because men seem to be single minded. As a single mom "free" time is rare, but I'd like to have the option to date if I found someone who was worth the effort. And yes, online dating SUCKS.
 
 
By Joanne B. on Mon Mar 5, 2012 at 4:36 PM EST
There's nothing wrong with "wanting it all" is there? I have seen good relationships (my grandparents happily married 68 years, my parents happily married 50 years), yet I have had my share of bad ones.
I am a working Mom to 3 kids - ages 15,15, and 9 so life is very busy, but sort of believe in my heart of hearts that my time will come and the right person will come along...someday.
 
 
By Michael I. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 9:59 AM EST
There is nothing wrong "wanting it all". Yet finding that relationship that works where two individuals are on the same page, have similar interest and having an understanding that it takes two to make a relationship work even through the ups and downs.... It is as difficult for men as it is for women with dating... I bring to the table additional challenges since my son has asperbergers and my daugther has similar behavioral issues but her mother never had or will have her diagnosed to have them....
 
 
By Sheila B. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 10:29 AM EST
Michael,

Thank you for your comments from the male point of view. I find them refreshing. I've been dating but with very, very strict rules about intimacy, and honestly I think the men are a relieved. They like to have time to get to know us, too. Except for the sleeze-bags, of course, looking for ways to get what they want without showing any respect for a woman's personhood. They are pretty easy to spot, though.

I have been through the exact same thing with my son, who in "on the spectrum." I'm a statistician and I worked on a project with Rondalyn Whitney (google her book). I had the option of fighting in court to get my son what he needed in terms of services. Her wisdom brought peace to my family. I can pass on two of her thoughts: NO services, however consistent, can match what a committed, educated parent can do for a child with these issues. You have more power than you think. Our study proved this beyond any statistical doubt. It is the parent who decides to act and who guides with educated love who can help a child with issues to grow up successful. The second you will have to consult her book about: it's the story of the elephants. Perhaps you don't need to hear it, but I did.

Good luck with everything.
 
 
By Sheila B. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 10:31 AM EST
I just had another thought on the dating issue. I stopped dating for years (see my first post in this thread). Just recently I have started again, and the reason was that my children are gone half the time and I was not feeling like I had a social life on the down times. Has anyone else felt this way?
 
 
By Brenda C. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 10:36 AM EST
Hi. I am recently single, and just have not been in the state of mind to even consider dating at this time. I actually feel like a different person now that I am single. My 3 year old daughter takes up a lot of my time, and it just feels like I spent the last three years trying to please someone who could not be pleased. I don't really miss having another person around, but I guess it is because I have such an incredible family that I am allowed to feel like I can raise my daughter without her daddy around. She sees him twice a month, so I do not feel like she is missing out. Yes it is hard to deal with the fact that she does not have him in her day to day life. But then he wasn't there all the time in anyway. When I do decide to start dating again, I think I will stick to single dads or someone like my younger brother, who will take good care of not only me but my daughter as well. Someone who can understand what the life of a single parent really is like. Wishing all of you the best of luck with your dating ventures. My belief is that single parents are tough and agile. We are power people.
 
 
By Michelle D. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 3:24 PM EST
Yes, I can totally relate Sheila!  I started dating after being divorced for a year or so and it is very dificult.  Between work and trying to raise my little man it doesn't leave much time for dating and if the person you are with doesn't have children, they can't really relate.  I have a new found respect for single mothers and/or parents for that matter, it is hard work to say the least! 

--- On Tue, 3/6/12, Sheila B. <singleparents@groups.care.com> wrote:


 
 
By Candace K. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 3:24 PM EST
I will be out of the office for the remainder of the day.If you need immediate assistance please call Kim Patin x4225 or Kane Leonard x4965.Thank you.
 
 
By Raquelle W. on Tue Mar 6, 2012 at 9:22 PM EST
Oh my goodness!!! It really nice to know that I am not alone in the dating department! I have a very busy 4 year old daughter, and heading back to school and looking for work has kept me very busy. I have tried a few dating sites and started to wonder what ever happened to can we get to know each other first before starting a heavy relationship? The few sites I checked out and after finding the time to actually meet, they all had some type of emotional baggage that I just don't have the time or the energy for.
I have been married and divorced for 11 years and enjoyed being single for a long time. Even though I had my child much later in life, in which I feel really blessed. I would rather be healthy and alone than having another person in my life but the relationship is toxic.
 
 
By Morgain C. on Wed Mar 7, 2012 at 4:04 AM EST
Hey everyone! Hi my name is morgain and i am also a single parent. Im finding out that things are extremely hard for us. I still consider myself new at the single parent thing even tho my son just turned 2. I never go out, I dont have a social life what so ever. The only time im free is when he is at daycare and that is when i have smashed all my doctors appts and recently my car appts as well. I really dont think I know how to completely socialize anymore. lol. well i know this parent is not on subject but I live in cumberland, ri and if there is any single parents like me that have the extra time that would like to meet up some time please let me. Im sooo lonely without anyone to talk to. thanks for reading this. I hope everyone else has better luck then me.
 
 
By Teri C. on Thu Mar 8, 2012 at 12:57 PM EST
After failing to meet my husbands needs because I was trying so hard to juggle work, a house, mounting bills and the special needs of a wonderful boy, I can't even imagine trying to date again. Ironically even though I'm doing it all alone now, I have so much more time. Not having a big house and a ton of debt to take care of either is such a relief that I can enjoy my time with my son because I'm not stressed out. While I'll admit that I'm lonely and wish I had someone to share the wonders of life with, I just can't picture me dating.
 
 
By Amy C. on Thu Mar 8, 2012 at 1:48 PM EST
I have moved through the lonely part and I am very content being by myself. After being with an meth addicted ex and then having to work 3 jobs and live in a one bedroom with 2 kids I dont think I ever want to date again. I love my kids with all my heart and I will work 3 jobs to support them although there comes a point where there is just too much on my plate and dating is a rough job. Not interested.
 
 
By Tania V. on Thu Mar 8, 2012 at 6:04 PM EST
I have tryed to date most of the time. I have been a single mom. Nothing ever sticks. Problem for me is the guys who do not have kids will never understand.They flee at the first tantrum or unavoidable rearangement of plans or not able to go on some last minite trip or ...mostly not being able to give undivided attention to THEM instead of mostly to my kids ,and trying not to let my house i bought fall apart on me ,and school..on and on .You all know.Then the guys who DO have children don't have the time or energy or have some fantasy of a 25 year old Mary Poppins/Victoria secret model with no kids to step in and save the day. That or they are total d- bags( can I say that?) druggies, crazies and/or totally neglect their children. Can't respect a boy like that. I am sure there are exceptions ...somewhere.After my last experiance though ( Psycho guy,W/ no kids , online dating) has left me exhaling with relief when there are no mssgs on my phone on a Saturday night.
 
 
By Juan H. on Thu Mar 8, 2012 at 6:47 PM EST
Truly being a single dad is challenging. I have my sons half and half every other weekend 2 to 3 days during the week and I prefer to have them instead of the mother using a baby sitter if she plans to go out during her days with my 2 sons (8 and 10) I can still do all the house choirs, fix the car, the motorcycle, do homework, feed them, bathe them, laundry, emergency room, go to work etc etc. I have not dated but I do take them with me to everywhere I go and meet with my friends. If I do meet someone she has to like children, and if she has it will be a plus to the two of us because dating is not all about the Barby and the Ken, the club and the bars. Others things can be done very creatively with children. I like motorcycles so the day I have them and its Bike Night, I take them with me since it is a restaurant anyways. Live band, contests, other parents and kids all over the place. Nothing is impossible, The key is not to look for someone its just have destiny do its magic. When less expected it happens. So in my book patience is a virtue. Good luck with it to all and be safe, the children are number one the new found love can come and go...Your children will always be your children. Hugs and Kisses to all. Single dads rule, Yay.
 
 
By Candace A. on Thu Mar 8, 2012 at 7:02 PM EST
I just want to know where men like Juan exist, cause in Alabama they are virtually non-existant.
 
 
By Hindy B. on Thu Mar 8, 2012 at 7:12 PM EST

Isn't that the truth.&nbsp; I was lucky and kinda "fell" into a relationship.&nbsp; But my kids didn't meet him until well into a year after we started dating, and they still haven't really gotten to know him.&nbsp; We only have date night when my kids are with their "father" and yes, his name is in quotes for a reason.

wrote:

 
 
By Michael I. on Fri Mar 9, 2012 at 9:08 AM EST
I have to agree with Juan. Being a single parent is challenging enough and juggling to have time with your kids is special and cherishable. Everytime I have my kids, it is about what adventures we can go on or new challenges that need to be faced. And having a son with Asperbergers, that challenge becomes greater. Finding someone who understands behavioral disabilities and dropping things to deal with them; are hard to find. I find it more often that people don't want to deal with other peoples "kids". I'll gladly accept my kids and stay the way I am; lonely but happy.
 
 
By Hindy B. on Fri Mar 9, 2012 at 10:08 AM EST

Being lonely is the hardest. Both my children have difficulties which is why I've hesitated to introduce my children to my current...even though he IS wonderful, and his children, though grown had difficulties as well.&nbsp; But there is a certain trust issue and like both Michael and Juan I would take my kids above anyone else any day.&nbsp; By the way, I'm a college instructor..behavioral consultant (private pay only...insurance, blah) and bitter, cynical party of one?&nbsp; I'm really trying to let go of the hurt and I don't talk about what's been done in front of my kids but being the community pariah is starting to take its toll.

wrote:

 
 
By Ryan Q. on Fri Mar 9, 2012 at 12:19 PM EST
As a full time single parent of 2 and not having immediate family support locally (12+ hour drive) there are days where you are exhausted and don't have the energy to put into dating. I get that. My question to the men and women here is that when you are in the market to date do you look for partners who have or do not have children and why?
 
 
By Sigrid H. on Fri Mar 9, 2012 at 1:10 PM EST
I personally think it's better to "try" and date someone with children. They are more understanding and generally more patient with your situation. I don't have time for someone who "doesn't get it".
 
 
By Michael I. on Fri Mar 9, 2012 at 1:25 PM EST
I'm in a similar situation as Ryan with no immediate family support sithout a significant drive and i would agree with Sigrid in trying to find someone with kids currently or who is not to far removed from them. Otherwise, I haven't seen anyone understand. It becomes even more difficult if your kids have medical issues too.
 
 
By Traci M. on Thu Mar 15, 2012 at 7:46 PM EDT
I lost my husband about 2 years ago and have been thrown unwillingly into the dating world again after about a 15 year hiatus. I feel like all the decent men are already taken!!!! Going on a date is such a daunting task! I don't want to be lonely anymore, but really. I think I'll just curl up with a book at night instead for awhile:-)
 
 
By Meena K. on Wed Mar 21, 2012 at 9:39 PM EDT
Well, I am still thinking if I should step into the permanent single world or still hang to my temporary separation. Coming from a conservative culture from the far east, dating is going to be a formidable task for me. Yet I miss all that companionship at times !
 
 
By Steve P. on Sun Jun 17, 2012 at 6:53 PM EDT
Elizabeth, you did a great job capturing the frustration many single parents face in looking for a new mate. Here is how I have learned to deal with this. Since my divorce five years ago, I have learned to value friendships more than ever before. And the saying "you can't have too many friends" is so, so true. I have dated several nice ladies, but I always let them know at the outset that I am not looking for a new wife, a lover, or even a girlfriend; I am simply looking for another friend. Getting to learn about someone as a friend is always a lot of fun and their is no pressure for anything more. If you don't have enough in common to be friends, so be it. If you become friends and nothing more, well then it wasn't meant to be. If it does lead to more, then great! So as you have probably figured out, I still haven't found a new mate. But I have formed several great friendships, and you can't have too many friends. Thanks again for your posting; I enjoyed it. And, good luck finding many new friends. :)
 
 
By Carla J. on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 8:46 AM EDT
It is always tough to go through the transition of being with someone to becoming single...Especially where children are involved. I have been exactly where you are and I found that having girlfriends who are in the same situation(or not) helped me get through it. I have a 7 year old and I am also divorced. I don't allow any guys to meet my daughter and I am very careful about dating as well. i have tried the online dating and that sucks as well. I think support groups such as these are a great start as well as attending church. Eventually, you will find the right person for you.
 
 
By Lynn B. on Sun Jul 22, 2012 at 9:30 AM EDT
I have enjoyed reading the posts, they have been helpful perspectives as I contemplate dating again after 15 years. And having a 7 year-old daughter who is my singular focus, I am very cautious as well. A great piece of advice I recieved from a friend on dating strategies that I thought i would share...stop looking for love...start doing the things YOU love and love will find you. I write this as I am sailing in Lake Michigan...
 
 
By Amber M. on Sat Sep 1, 2012 at 6:36 PM EDT
I'm so tired I simply don't date anymore. GL!
 
 
By Angi D. on Wed Jan 23, 2013 at 8:40 AM EST
Where the heck are you suppose to met a nice guy anyways. All those dating websites are frustrating.
 
 
By Angi D. on Wed Jan 23, 2013 at 8:42 AM EST
I would want to met someone with kids, because they know the ups and downs of parenting and are hopefully good with children.
 
 
By Julie M. on Wed Jan 23, 2013 at 9:01 AM EST
Dating is so very tedious. I dont understand why, when you find a nice guy, can they not committ?? The theory of constantly looking does not appeal to me. I would never settle at this stage of the game, but I loved being married and everything that I THOUGHT it should entail.

There just isnt enough time in the day to play these dating games and deal with all their baggage.

There must be an easier way, but I have no clue what that could be!!!!!
 
 
By Julie M. on Wed Jan 23, 2013 at 9:05 AM EST
Dating is so very tedious. I dont understand why, when you find a nice guy, can they not committ?? The theory of constantly looking does not appeal to me. I would never settle at this stage of the game, but I loved being married and everything that I THOUGHT it should entail.

There just isnt enough time in the day to play these dating games and deal with all their baggage.

There must be an easier way, but I have no clue what that could be!!!!!
 
 
By Windora B. on Sat Feb 2, 2013 at 3:02 PM EST
When I date it's on the weekends my son is with his father. I do weigh if I think the date would be better that what I would plan on my own. What I mean is, if this person is my type of person and usually I find not. I don't wish a player...

About the question if you look to date someone with or without kids. There are pros and cons for both sides. The real answer is, if this is your type of person and are their kids. Some are high maintaince with lots of drama. I never understood the drama thing until I dated a man with a 16yr old daughter. What an eye opener. My answer is to treat your time like a treasure and spend it as such. When you find a person that is a gem you will know it. Usually they are a great person that is friend material over love, but it's nice to find those gems as you wade though so much of the other that it helps to keep faith.
 
 
By Scott L. on Tue Feb 26, 2013 at 2:04 PM EST
Yes, yes, yes - single parent dating is tough. So let's unite! We're all good people longing for an adult conversation once in awhile - ha. Like Lynn B said a few posts ago - let's forget looking for love and spend some time doing the things we love. Agree?
Scott
 
 
By Torri R. on Sat Mar 16, 2013 at 7:08 AM EDT
Ive been divorced for two years. The first year was tough since I was trying to figure out how to do things on my own. Since I moved to a totally new state 15 years ago with no family to speak of here, doing this on my own is scary! I started dating after a few months of being on my own and it totally sucked. Too many guys telling me what I wanted to hear to get in my pants. I was on a few dating websites, didnt really find "love" or even "like" so I quit that. I dated a few guys that went well on the first few dates until I told them I have children. I was dropped like a hot rock. I focus on myself and my children now. I occassionally go out with friends, but I work so much that I would rather make money to take my kids to fun places than worry about finding a man. That will come in time if God wants it to happen so I do what I want right now.
 
 
By Barbara H. on Sat Mar 16, 2013 at 8:00 PM EDT
I completely agree that divorced dating sucks. My boys ( 8 & 6) are my #1 priority. When would I ever find the time?? I have always been the main financial support in my family married or not. And, as was said previously, I'll take being a working single mom over a stressed out married woman "yoked" to the wrong man!! And when you do find a decent guy if the are single or divorced they have all this free time while we mom's have maybe 30 mins free all week!! LOL.

I love being a mom, so when Prince Charming comes knocking on my door I hope he appreciates all I have to offer!!

Lets hang in there!!! God has a special plan for us . . . One day!!
 
 
By Morgan B. on Mon Mar 18, 2013 at 9:54 AM EDT
Hi All,

I'm Morgan, one of the writers here at Care.com. Thanks so much for the great conversation and advice you've been giving each other. We just did a whole series on the issue of single parenting and dating and I thought you all might enjoy the read or even have some of your own tips to offer!

Would love to know what you all think about the series: http://www.care.com/child-care-6-tips-for-dating-as-a-single-parent-p1017-q25689717.html

Thanks so much again and I hope you all have a great week.
Best,
Morgan
 
 
By Gordon R. on Wed Mar 20, 2013 at 3:53 PM EDT
Hi Ladies,
I would like to put a single guy with a 6 year olds 2 cents in:) I find dating very hard, just as one of you ladies mentioned, I cant find a better half that loves my son as much as I do. Oh, don't get me wrong, they have had good intentions in the beginning, but slowly just ignored the fact he was in my life. I really do agree with you ladies, I feel I can better spend my time with my son and myself. This is probably a surprise to most of you that a guy would be saying this, well I guess I am not your normal fella who ends up being a weekend here and there dad. I really do think there is a lady out there for me, but I am not going to waste the best years of my sons life to keep hopping from woman to woman trying to find her. I have had only one relationship going since my divorce and that lasted only 3 months. I figure I deserve a break now:) Yes, it's like a job and I don't need another job:) Anywho, I hope you ladies don't mind me popping in and sharing all that with you. I do understand, even though I am a guy, a lot of what you are talking about and going through:)

HAVE MOST WONDERFUL DAY:)
 
 
By Jason K. on Thu Mar 21, 2013 at 1:11 PM EDT
I'm a full time single father of a wonderful 6 year old son and have been a single father since he was born.

I've only been in one serious relationship in which he became very attached to my girlfriend. Unfortunately the relationship has not worked out due to her being so selfish. She really doesn't value parenting.

My experience has left me and my son very hurt and confused, but I will not give up on the idea having a nuclear family one day, despite all the negativity and my own experience.

I will not stop believing that there is a woman out there that values us and loves family and would love my son as her own.
 
 
By Hope P. on Thu Mar 21, 2013 at 2:36 PM EDT
I'm a single mom to a beautiful 6 year old son and I find it so extremely difficult to date.
Since it is just me and him I don't have a babysitter usually to watch him for me to go out on dates and I am new to the area, so I don't have any friends or family. That also makes it difficult.
I have tried the online world and had zero luck.
I'm actually considering giving up on love.
I wish someone would have told me it would be this hard!
 
 
By Nadene R. on Fri Mar 22, 2013 at 12:13 AM EDT
Personally being a single mom is hard, and lonely even though all my time is spent with my son and working. And I'm exhausted and stressed a lot. I'd love someone in my life but it has to be the right person. Dating is hard, but I think the hardest thing is the actual searching- which is what I have given up on. I also believe there is someone out there for myself and my son, children or no. What I've found with guys with kids, though understanding there is a whole other layer of "how to raise kids".

For what its worth, I live in Anchorage, AK and to find a professional, open guy is even harder up here. I have never been married, and at 44, not sure if I ever will be - but I don't give up hope
 
 
By Avi S. on Mon May 13, 2013 at 12:12 AM EDT
Wow; what an awesome newsgroup that I never even would have thought of joining if the topic hadn't caught my eyes. I agree with everyone about not having enough time for allowing someone else in our lives. Thankfully, our lives are so full and rich at the moment that we should just relax if we get a little time to ourselves.

Dear Nadine, I have been through two very costly marriages and I am more fearful at the liability that a marriage would impose upon me than anything. I was very close, within a year of getting remarried about few years ago. However, I ran and called off the engagement with the advise of my parents.

At this time, what I really need in my life is some quality time with my son, not an extra burden in my life that usually men have imposed upon me. Marriages these days are not like what marriages used to be 20 or 30 years ago. There is absolutely no commitment to begin with, so why bother with the extra certificates and licenses then?
 
 
By Hindy B. on Tue May 14, 2013 at 3:25 PM EDT
Avi,

With all respect due a man of your abilities to make obvious decisions on your own; let's go through this...

You allowed your parents to determine who you should and shouldn't marry after being married TWICE before on your own. When you say costly, are you referring to the financial burden, or the burden placed on your parents, the other people involved, or your child?

Being married twice is not a commentary on whether an individual is a good "risk" or not, but it does say something about the person, especially when that person made a committment to a woman, and then on the advice on his parents "RAN" (your word) and called the engagement off. Obviously, someone decided that you should be the residential parent, or your ex wife decided to give up her parental rights and responsibilities. For what reason, I can only fathom, but from reading your post, I can deduct. It's a shame that the child is the ONLY victim here.

I know the culture you come from, as I'm from the exact same one. It's irresponsible, immature and unacceptable for people in that culture not to teach communications to their youth. The statistics on Domestic Violence, neglect, abuse, addiction and other difficulties are higher in those enclaves than many others because there is a blatent lack of willingless for most within the culture to realize that Men and Women are humans, with basic human needs and desires that do not go dormant after one becomes a parent.

Additionally, while I applaud your desire to spend more time with your son, keep in mind that if he does not see you entering into a healthy relationship, and learn how one should behave towards another, he has a higher likelyhood of perpetuating the cycle that has already begun.

Did it ever occur to you that calling someone "Dear Nadine" would be patronizing and offensive? She has an obvious difficulty, and she is entitled to that. If I had to listen to one more person tell me that I wasn't entitled to have a life outside my children, because they were all that I needed to fulfill me, I would have lost what was left of my mind.

The "clergy" of OUR culture have a responsibility that they have failed miserably at. Mothers and Fathers, single or otherwise, need to go out and be social. Meet people, and spend time away from their children at times; without that, the statistics on child abuse go up considerably.

If you can spend 24/7 with your son, more power to you, but most adults want adult conversation, with people who do more than talk about their children, their lives, their spouses, their families. It's a painful reminder to them that they are SINGLE parents.

You might want to strongly consider not running away the next time your parents tell you to. A good relationship is not a "burden". That's entirely the wrong attitude to have. You also might want to consider getting some therapy to deal with some very obvious issues.
 
 
By Corey L. on Tue May 28, 2013 at 2:26 PM EDT
Hope P! You are a beautiful woman, why give up on love? As a Father of two of the most beautiful boys (3 in June 5 in October) let me tell you something... Dating should take effort. Just think of how better off we would be if we took the "sacrafic" of time before marrying, dating, or having kids with the has beens we once called the love of our lives.

See, I paid for the wedding, paid the bills, cooked, cleaned, drove everywhere. My mother was a single mom with boys so I took care of my little brother 6 years younger. So I have been "doing it all" as you say my entire life. This is both good and a curse. Once our first son came, the depression set in...no biggie I can handle that.. but then it never went away. I became the target of the illness...blah blah... So now not only do I have to explain the situation, my two bi-racial boys are the only thing I can think about. (back ground proabably TMI)

So now when it comes to dating, its has to flow and blend automatically. It cant be an effort. Finding someone who truly loves you automatically loves your kids, after all they are part of you, just like a dimple on your but, or a grey hair, or crocked toe. Love is real and it not dead. I dont feel i married the wrong person, but I feel I wasnt the right person for her.

How much time did with think we had before kids? I dont have time to go to the gym. We cant make the wedding in California, we dont have the time. Now look at how much time we give to our children.

One thing I strongly believe in is, personal time. How great of a father can I be if I dont have time to detox, remember who I am and what I believe and stand for. Goo goo and ga ga-ing for three to four weeks at a time isnt healthy for your or the kids. During this personal time is where you find time to date.

Every thursday, join your old work force happy hour, or current one. Create one, get a massage, go hit some golf balls.

In closing, the family unit is the cornerstone of society, without it, tomorrow fails. Think about the baby boomers vs the kids having kids today. The since of pride, respect, the family name, respect for elders. Its a shame that its fading faster than we can notice. I just pray Im saving college money and not bail money.

The person I date will more than likely have their own children, I need someone that can relate to the pain, struggle and sacrifice. Loving kids is only a piece of the massive parenting puzzel, exmaple, demostration, discipline an affectionate relationship, self sacrfices, are a few of the many needed to form a solid human being these days.

(sorry no spell check) :-)
 
 
By Susan B. on Wed Jun 5, 2013 at 10:54 PM EDT
I am married, but I have been a single mom and I am a marriage and family therapist. I think it is healthy to feel comfortable alone. My only concern is this: a lot of single mothers I have known have leaned too heavily on their kids for emotional companionship. The child, especially "only" sons, becomes a surrogate husband. For sons or daughters, being elevated to the role of adult friend or spouse in childhood is very damaging. The problem is, the mothers who do this never, ever see themselves as guilty of it. They think that they are just a good mom who is close to her kid. So ask yourself, do you have at least 3 adult friends in whom you regularly confide? Do you get sitters and go out with friends on a regular basis? If you do not have an adult life with supportive friends outside of parenting, then you are leaning too heavily on your kids for emotional support.
 
 
By Robert M. on Wed Jun 12, 2013 at 1:24 AM EDT
As a single man I found it very disheartening to read so many messages by women who appear to have given up or choose to take a long term dating sabbatical. This is very frustrating. A good woman is hard enough to find, but it's impossible if they're sitting at home with their kids.

I'm a nearly full time father of three but I've managed to maintain something of a social life. As much as I love my kids I still need some adult time. No matter how many times I hug my kids I still need something more. I'm still searching for "the one".

If I hear one more person tell me to "stop looking and it will find you" I'm going to hit someone. "Do what you love and love will find you." Really, I love working in my garage and fixing my house. I hate to burst your bubble but there aren't many women walking through my house, eager to meet a handyman.

Anyway, I'm feeling a rant coming on so I'm going to end it here.

I will add this though, to everyone. Dating is an embarrasing and repetitive pain in the ass. But it's a necessary evil if we're ever going to find each other. The more women I meet the more I learn about what I really want and what is really important to me. Don't get discouraged if one date doesn't work out and don't ever spend time with someone if they don't know you have kids. Use your phone screen carefully. Develop a list of questions. Honestly, the first call is more an interview than a conversation. If they pass initial inspection then take the time to meet and discover if there's chemistry.

All I ask is don't give up. Because if you give up then what chance do I have.
 
 
By Emma A. on Wed Jun 12, 2013 at 10:13 AM EDT
I agree with Robert! I've been on different dates and more than anything know what kind of man I am looking for me and my child. Even on the dating sites, I became very selective when it was time to " filter the amount of "winks" and "you're so cute!" messages. First, I will not even take the time to look at the profile of an man who took is picture in the bathroom. I mean come on! I live in California , you're going to tell me that this man can't even find a nice background ( like the beach) to take his picture! I will not view the profile of men who can't tell if they have children or if they are single, married or divorced. How can someone hide that they have children? If you think your children will ruins your chance of dating.. you have issues and need to deal with it before even thinking of dating.

When I remember the previous dates I had, I think of the funny crazy things that some of these men used to tell to show how interesting they were! Before an date" rendezvous", I would talk on the phone at different times of the day with the potential date . After a certain time, the person that I thought was good for a date , would reveal his real personality. Save me lot of headaches! I think there are still good men out there. We, women , just need to not give up! I can't imagine not having a life partner and be single for years to come! Finally, I found someone and am very happy with him. It was not easy at first. I'm happy and I didn't give up!

Emma
 
 
By Ruth T. on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 4:46 PM EDT
Well said Robert!
 
 
By Brenda C. on Thu Jun 13, 2013 at 6:23 PM EDT
Really enjoyed reading your post Robert. As you said dating isn't fun, but at times it does become a comedy. The things you end up learning about others become a running joke in your mind. I love that you mentioned the fact that women don't just walk through your house looking for a good handyman. I would love a good handyman at times, as long as he allows me to join in too. I hope you find what you are looking for. Not all the good women are locked up at home with a good book. We sometimes stay home cause we have no idea where to start looking.
 
 
By Martin M. on Fri Jun 14, 2013 at 1:05 AM EDT
I have been reading the thread for a while, my goal was to be the 100th response... oh well, I couldn't hold out any longer :-(

Several good comments posted.

Divorce, separation, and death are all life changing events that we need to heal and recover from. I never planned, expected, or desired to be dating at my age. A painful death from rare cancer, and living the stress of being a husband-caregiver and parent takes it's toll. So, here I am father of 3 kids and dating, albeit committed to one person.

Dating is as fun as you want to make it.

Open your mind, and over time you may be able to open your heart. When you can't open your heart you're heading in the wrong direction...been there, so, accept a change of course, and navigate in a different direction. It's process you will sort out. Keep expectations in check, like plan on just being friends and see how that works.

Martin
 
 
By Gelene B. on Sun Dec 22, 2013 at 5:12 PM EST
Lots of great posts! Glad to see I am not the only one with these frustrations and glad to read the encouraging posts as well! It is so hard to make new female friends when you are my age, I have often said that someone needs to make a site for women to meet people for friendships....I would love to find a girlfriend that I have a lot in common with .... and it looks like there are other women posting in this group that feel the same way. I remember when my Mom went through her divorce, there was a divorce group that she joined and they met weekly? or monthly at each others homes for dinner. Something like that would be fun also. But, I just wish that there was something like POF that would give someone like me an easy way to meet women that needed a friend that was available to be social with....I am in a new town with no family and really don't have an outlet for doing things socially.....I guess I can do more digging and find something, but if there was a computer site for that it sure would make things easier!
 
 
By Susan S. on Sun Dec 22, 2013 at 9:08 PM EST
Try meetup.com -- just find a few things you are interested in and check them out. I usually find friends in a new place by going to tech meetups, martial arts activities, and other things I enjoy. At least I know I'll share an interest or two with those I meet, so the chance of making good friends is pretty good.

As for dating...

I've had nothing but good experiences, however I seem to have a much different way of going about things than the mainstream "single mom" template. I'm not on a mission to replace my ex. I love meeting and "collecting" awesome people, love interest or platonic friend doesn't matter. I seek relationships that are good for me. With a few exceptions (for example, the partner my son introduced me to), I take my time in introducing partners to my son. I make sure my son knows that my relationships are not a daddy search, and don't allow partners to try to take on a parent role with my son.

I also don't believe in hiding my love life from my son. As long as one's relationships are healthy, it's *good* for kids to see a parent having relationships so they learn how healthy relationships work.

A decent summary of my attitude in explaining things to my son is "Grown-ups date because we want to have fun and get to know people we maybe have a crush on. It's possible I'll fall in love and get married again some day, but that's not something anybody can make happen...It's kind of like the weather: we can be ready for it, but we can't change what happens or when." Not a perfect treatment of the topic, but good enough for last time it came up (when my son was 8 or so).

I never use dating sites. They seem like a lot of effort for little return. I meet potential partners the same way I meet new friends: through existing friends/loved ones, or through activities that I enjoy. Anyone someone I care about would introduce me to is likely to be a decent human being and at least compatible as a friend, so that avoids a lot of BS people who use dating sites have to deal with.

I'm not really into formal dating, and I don't like to ditch my son with the babysitter excessively. So, a partner who's comfortable hanging out with my favorite young man gets more of my time and attention. This hasn't seemed to limit my love life much, a fact I attribute to a combination of setting clear boundaries for both, making it clear that this is NOT a test, and I don't choose partners looking for an insta-dad, and raising a kid who's well-behaved and fun to be around*.

Typical "date" activities are: playing a tabletop RPG or strategy board games, cooking, going out hiking or backpacking, hanging out at a local park (my son will usually find kids to play with, giving my sweetie and I extra time to chat), hanging out at a hackerspace working on interesting projects, that sort of thing. We've also taken my son roller skating, to a a maker fair, to a historical faire, and have a play (theatrical production of Sideways Stories from Wayside School) planned for after the holiday. There's plenty of time for grown-up activities once he's gone to bed.

This isn't to say that I never drop my son with my parents or a babysitter to get some extra freedom, but that's not an everyday occurrence in our family. I'm more likely to get a sitter or family member's help to accommodate my martial arts training or travel for work than go on a date.

Life is good -- busy, but good -- for both my son and I. He has plenty of good role models (male and otherwise) among our family, our friends, my partners, and our dojo. He sees lots of different examples of how to be a good man and how to have healthy relationships. I manage to juggle parenting, work, other interests, and my love life...often by combining them.

--Susan


* This doesn't mean some fictional "perfect" child. He's 10, he has special needs, there are things to work around. What's important is that he's got good manners, he's not prone to tantrums or panicking over every little thing, he isn't selfish or expecting every moment of my attention, and as long as I make sure eating, sleeping, etc. are relatively on schedule and take the time to explain what's going on to him, he'll adapt to most situations with good cheer.
 
 
By Rashidat T. on Sun Dec 22, 2013 at 9:20 PM EST
There is a site called meetups.com. that can help u with that. I tried it but I need a group of single Working moms and there aren't any for my area.
 
 
By Jay A. on Sun Dec 22, 2013 at 9:40 PM EST
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm a newly minted single father of the most wonderful little girl on the planet. I'm writing a book titled "Confessions of a Newly Minted Single Dad" and it has helped tremendously just writing about what its like to be out here in the wilderness as a single parent. And for all that goes with being human. Wow what a story we all have to tell, including being on care.com which is such a great resource. Anyway, wishing all of you a safe and wonderful holiday and kicking 2013 out the door. I wish I could say this single parent is ready for being a single parent. And the things that were felt, learned and hopes tabled at least for realizing self and readiness for anything outside of my daughter were the parting shots this really difficult year. Olive's Daddy
 
 
By Rachel R. on Sun Jan 12, 2014 at 5:32 PM EST
Hi,I'm a black 22 year old female, seeking to work for any single men. Color doesn't material just want a nice a friendly relationship with the parent.
 
 
By Garick B. on Fri Feb 7, 2014 at 10:20 AM EST
That's a great attitude to have! I'm a newly single dad and I believe in doing what you gotta do in life and taking care of what's important. Then just let the perfect person come to you