Whilst every child and student deserves both safety and kindness, the unfortunate reality is that bullying is a common occurrence at school and between peers online. Conflict, arguments and making mistakes whilst learning how to communicate and solve problems are all part of growing up. It’s important to establish the difference between these events and bullying.
What sets bullying apart from everyday conflict? Bullying tends to be deliberate, recurring and aggressive in nature — in short, behaviour designed to hurt. It may also tap into or develop power imbalances that exist due to differences, such as those involving race or gender identities, sexual orientation or other factors.
Bullying is, unfortunately, more prevalent than some parents may know. A US study showed that one out of five 12–18-year-old children reported being bullied during the school year. Underrepresented and underserved young people are more likely to experience more negative feedback from their peers. LGBTQIA+ youth consistently report higher rates of bullying and are more likely to miss school because of safety concerns, whilst students who are of two or more races reported more bullying than students of just one race.
In an effort to create safer school experiences for students, here are some of the most common types of bullying that parents should be aware of, and what parents and schools can do to mitigate and prevent bullying.
Types of bullying
Bullying can take many forms: cyber, verbal, physical and relational. Regardless of the way in which they are delivered, all types of bullying are harmful and should be taken seriously. Online bullying may be just a starting point for behaviour that spills over into the classroom or playground, whilst verbal abuse can give way to physical aggression.
Cyberbullying
Cyberbullying occurs when people use technology to harass or humiliate.
Interacting behind a screen and with a false sense of anonymity can make it harder to interpret tone and body language and can encourage people to go further than they would in a face-to-face situation. If a negative online comment about a peer is liked, or if a post is shared, it can send the message that the bullying (and the bully) is being supported. This can make things escalate at a fast pace.
Cyberbullying is one of the most common types of bullying that students may face, but it doesn’t always happen at school. Large numbers of social media users of all ages have reported being cyberbullied.
Verbal bullying
A form of in-person bullying, verbal bullying — also known as name-calling — includes insults, negative comments and humiliation. Verbal bullying can be used as a way of asserting dominance over other children. It involves continuous hurtful insults aimed at belittling and demeaning others. It can be harder to detect and to prove, as it occurs when children are alone together — and words don’t leave a mark.
In some instances, children involved in verbal bullying don’t grasp the true meaning and impact of the language they are using. Teaching them about the words they use, their context and their potential effect is a helpful way of tackling verbal abuse at the root.
Relational bullying
Also known as emotional or social bullying, relational bullying taps into social dynamics to assert power and control and to make another person feel bad. This can be subtle and hard to detect.
If you’re thinking about queen bees and mean girls, you’re on the right track. Relational bullying tactics include gossiping and manipulation, sharing secrets without permission and isolating children from their peer group, deliberately leaving people out of private jokes or leaving them out of social situations where everyone else is included.
This type of bullying can be more common in girls towards the end of primary school and early secondary school. This is a prime period for bullying, as children are exploring and discovering their sense of self through social dynamics. Bullying behaviours in this context may indeed be motivated by a fear of unpopularity or isolation.
Physical bullying
Physical bullying is sometimes thought of as the most obvious type of bullying, since it involves hitting, kicking and threatening another person’s safety. This type of violence can be another attempt at exerting control over others. Because the bullying is visible and clear, it’s often the easiest to spot and can be given quicker attention.
Look out for instances of play fighting that appear to be escalating or driven by an underlying interpersonal issue. These can be hard to distinguish from day-to-day play.
How to support your bullied child — and involve the bully
If you know or suspect that your child is being bullied, there are steps to take to get everyone involved the care and support they need.
Set the stage for them to open up to you
Talking to your child is paramount if you suspect that they may be being bullied. Listen and respond in an empathetic way to their concerns. Remind your child that they aren’t to blame, and offer to do everything in your power to help them tackle the issue in a healthy way. This creates a safe and supportive environment where children feel comfortable sharing their feelings without fear of judgment. Although children may be reluctant to express their feelings and may need time to come to terms with their feelings, parents can express empathy and provide comfort to their child whilst still being firm in making sure action is taken to stop the bullying.
Inform and involve the school
If you believe your child is experiencing bullying, then you have the right to inform the school. Be prepared to provide documentation and any evidence you have to support your child. When a student is being bullied, it’s important not only to stop it or to hold the bully accountable, but it’s also necessary for the victim to feel supported and safe.
Empower your child
It’s important to empower your child and give them the tools to speak up for themselves, identify support networks and deploy strategies to tackle bullying behaviour.
Take a holistic approach to the conflict
Taking a holistic approach that involves restorative justice practices, which focus on mediation instead of punishment alone, can help get to the root cause of the behaviour. Restorative justice builds trust whilst addressing the harm and the cause of the harm.
A restorative circle, for example, is a consensual and facilitated space for the victim and the bully to talk to each other and offer their perspectives of a past situation. This could target bullying at lunch or an online bullying encounter.
When these practices are done well, the bully is held accountable as well as given strategies for repairing the harm to themselves and the community they are a part of. This helps them see the consequences of their actions.
It’s a good idea for parents and carers to become involved in this process, too. It will help build relationships and make commitments to help everyone move forward in more positive ways.
How to reduce bullying moving forward
Although a bully-free school and society would be ideal, there are ways to drastically reduce bullying by giving students the tools they need to build confidence and learn how to solve conflicts in respectful ways.
Advocate for social-emotional learning at your child’s school
Research shows that a focus on social-emotional learning creates physically and emotionally safer school environments. Children who practise assertive communication and are capable of building strong, healthy relationships feel better equipped to speak out when they are being treated badly.
Another necessary aspect of bullying prevention and reduction is the integration of social-emotional learning into classrooms. By teaching students essential social-emotional skills like empathy, emotion regulation and social problem-solving, bullying can be prevented whilst friendship skills are being developed.
Developing empathy and understanding can also be effective in mitigating bullying, which is less likely to occur between children who know each other and get along well. Teaching friendship-building and empathy skills is just as important as conflict resolution and dealing with difficult feelings.
School anti-bullying policies and training-based support given to staff and teachers also help reduce bullying and set the tone for expectations. This creates a system where respect and empathy are expected, and where victims can feel safe to report an incident.
Practice the 3 Rs of bullying
If an upstander (someone who sees bullying taking place and speaks out or intervenes) steps into a bullying situation, they can reduce the bullying that is occurring. A good way to do this is by using the three “Rs” of bullying: recognise, refuse and report.
Recognise: Help kids recognise that bullying is when someone is mean to someone else on purpose, and the person it’s happening to hasn’t been able to make it stop.
Refuse: If they feel safe, instruct kids (bystanders included) to be calm, stand straight and tall, look at the person they are speaking to and say what they mean in a strong, clear, respectful voice: “Please stop! That’s unkind.”
Report: Let kids know that reporting isn’t telling tales. Reporting is telling a caring adult in order to keep people safe.
The bottom line
The fact of the matter is that kids of all ages continue to be subjected to various types of bullying. And when it happens to your child, you’ll do well to talk to your child and brainstorm possible solutions that they feel comfortable with. If the problem persists, carers should contact the child’s school and demand that immediate disciplinary actions and steps toward accountability are taken. Working with a counsellor or therapist or attending a support group is another way to help a child deal with the impact of bullying.
No matter the type of bullying a child is facing, addressing the situation should never be a parent or child’s burden alone. Schools play a key role in tackling this behaviour, and must do so proactively to help protect children and foster a positive learning environment for all.