{"id":222242,"date":"2025-10-04T01:18:22","date_gmt":"2025-10-04T01:18:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/?p=222242"},"modified":"2025-10-30T18:20:10","modified_gmt":"2025-10-30T18:20:10","slug":"the-bad-guy-dementia-caregiving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/the-bad-guy-dementia-caregiving\/","title":{"rendered":"How to cope with being the &#8216;bad guy&#8217; when caring for loved ones with dementia"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Caring for a parent or loved one with dementia or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.verywellmind.com\/what-is-alzheimers-disease-5075247\">Alzheimer&rsquo;s disease<\/a> can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Watching someone you love become confused and vulnerable is difficult, and taking over many of their responsibilities while managing your own is even harder. In the midst of these struggles, you could easily find yourself tired of feeling like the &ldquo;bad guy&rdquo; when the loved one you&rsquo;re trying to protect seems to get upset with you at every turn.<\/p><p>Not only is it normal to have a complex range of emotions while caregiving for an older loved one with dementia, but it&rsquo;s also normal to be exhausted by having to act like &mdash; and be perceived as &mdash; a disciplinarian.&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;Allow yourself to feel what you feel,&rdquo; says Natalie Redcross, a mental health therapist at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ibisanmi.com\/\">Ibisanmi Relational Health<\/a> in New York. &ldquo;It may be frustration, anger, despair, resentment or the desire to escape. More than likely, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/tips-for-managing-caregiver-guilt\/\">guilt<\/a> will follow these emotions.&rdquo;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p><p>Here&rsquo;s how to cope.<\/p><div class=\"wp-block-custom-dynamic-list key-takeaways-block\"><h3>Key takeaways<\/h3><div class=\"key-takeaways-container\"><ul><li>When you&rsquo;re setting boundaries, enforcing safety measures or simply trying to maintain daily routines, your loved one may misinterpret your intentions due to their cognitive decline. This emotional disconnect can leave caregivers feeling unfairly villainized, even as they act from a place of love and protection.<\/li><li>You may feel frustration, resentment, sadness or even the urge to escape, only to be followed by guilt for feeling that way. But these emotions don&rsquo;t make you a bad caregiver &mdash; they make you human.<\/li><li>Although enforcing boundaries can feel harsh in the moment, they often provide needed structure and safety for both the caregiver and their loved one. Reframing boundaries as tools for preserving dignity can help ease the emotional burden of saying &ldquo;no.&rdquo;<\/li><li>Caring for yourself isn&rsquo;t selfish &mdash; it&rsquo;s survival. Whether it&rsquo;s support groups, therapy, a walk outside or asking for help, investing in your mental health is the only way to sustainably care for someone else.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-caring-for-someone-with-dementia-or-alzheimer-s-can-lead-to-feeling-like-the-bad-guy\" data-toc-id=\"3f110d08\">How caring for someone with dementia or Alzheimer&rsquo;s can lead to feeling like the &ldquo;bad guy&rdquo;<\/h2><p>Over <a href=\"https:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/caregiving\/about\/index.html\">11 million U.S. adults who provide unpaid care<\/a> for someone with a form of dementia, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). These family caregivers step into a role in which they often feel as though they are parenting their parent.<\/p><p>Liz Anon from Doral, Florida became the primary caregiver for her mother when she was diagnosed at 75 with Alzheimer&rsquo;s. She says the first year was the worst.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;I was a lawyer, I had a family, and suddenly, I have this adult that I had to take care of, and at the same time, this was an adult who is holding on to every bit of independence they can hold onto,&rdquo; says Anon.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Anon recalls wanting to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/why-its-worth-it-for-seniors-to-hire-help\/\">hire a house cleaner to help her mother<\/a>, but she refused. &ldquo;I also wanted to get her a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/meals-food-delivery-for-seniors\/\">meal service<\/a> to her home,&rdquo; she says. &ldquo;She refused. She claimed she could cook for herself, until she put aluminum foil in the microwave and sparks started flying.&rdquo;<\/p><p>Anon went through a similar journey when her husband&rsquo;s mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer&rsquo;s. &ldquo;They don&rsquo;t want to give up their independence, and they don&rsquo;t want to be parented by their child,&rdquo; she explains.&nbsp;<\/p><p>When Anon wanted to vent to her friends, only the ones who had been through it as family caregivers to loved ones with dementia truly understood. &ldquo;My sister-in-law moved her mother from one assisted living or memory care facility to another and had second thoughts about this decision,&rdquo; she notes.&nbsp;<\/p><p>The hardest part of seeing your loved one losing their independence is they see you as the person taking it away, says Anon.&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;I had to be the one to say, &lsquo;No, you can no longer drive,&rsquo; and &lsquo;No, you can no longer clean your own house,&rsquo; and &lsquo;Yes, you need supervision when bathing,&rsquo;&rdquo; she explains. With each accommodation that had to be made to keep her mom safe, the more upset her mother became. &ldquo;She fought me on everything,&rdquo; adds Anon.&nbsp;<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-remember-your-role\">Remember your role<\/h3><p>At the same time, when patience wears thin, it can be easy to take your frustration out on your loved one, which can lead to acting like even more of a disciplinarian. Redcross reminds caregivers to remember that their role is to protect, not to control.&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;[Seniors] are adults deserving of respect for a life long lived, grappling with a brain and body that doesn&rsquo;t function the way it had for decades prior,&rdquo; says Redcross. &ldquo;This is an unsettling and confusing reality.&rdquo;&nbsp;<\/p><p>To avoid being an actual &ldquo;bad guy,&rdquo; you may want to take a step back to assess your tone of voice and consider whether you could lean into more compassion.<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-recognize-that-you-re-doing-enough\">Recognize that you&rsquo;re doing enough<\/h3><p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/jen-fink\">Jennifer Fink<\/a> is a caregiving advocate and facilitator for the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.alz.org\/\">&#65279;Alzheimer&rsquo;s Association&#65279;<\/a>. Before that, she was the primary caregiver for her mother. &ldquo;My mom used to walk behind me about 10-15 feet,&rdquo; she recalls. &ldquo;She watched her feet, making her a fall risk. There was nothing I could do or say to persuade her to walk next to me, near me, and certainly not arm in arm for her safety. It was beyond frustrating.&rdquo;<\/p><p>That said, Fink understands why caregivers may feel like the &ldquo;bad guy&rdquo; but urges caregivers to remember the difficult position they are in. &ldquo;No one starts caregiving voluntarily,&rdquo; she notes. &ldquo;You are doing an incredibly hard job for no pay and likely very little, if any, appreciation.&rdquo;<\/p><p>She adds that it&rsquo;s normal to feel like you&rsquo;re doing enough or doing too much. &ldquo;Regardless of what&rsquo;s happening, how your loved one reacts to you, your efforts or how much support you get, you are doing enough,&rdquo; she says. &ldquo;Even if all you can manage today is the bare minimum, it&rsquo;s still enough.&rdquo;&nbsp;<\/p><figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote\"><blockquote><p>&ldquo;Regardless of what&rsquo;s happening, how your loved one reacts to you, your efforts or how much support you get, you are doing enough. Even if all you can manage today is the bare minimum, it&rsquo;s still enough.&rdquo;&nbsp;<\/p><cite>&mdash; Jennifer Fink, caregiving advocate<\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-quick-tips-for-dealing-with-feeling-like-the-bad-guy\" data-toc-id=\"a7c77677\">Quick tips for dealing with feeling like the &ldquo;bad guy&rdquo;<\/h2><p>Caregivers often find it hard to accept that their loved one&rsquo;s reality is different from their own, says Barbara Sparacino, a geriatric psychiatrist and founder of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.theagingparentcoach.com\/\">The Aging Parent Coach<\/a>. &nbsp;<\/p><p>Here, four quick tips to cope.<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-remember-it-s-dementia-not-you-causing-your-loved-one-to-see-you-as-the-bad-guy\">1. Remember it&rsquo;s dementia &mdash; not you &mdash; causing your loved one to see you as &ldquo;the bad guy.&rdquo;<\/h3><p>When your loved one lashes out, it&rsquo;s the illness talking &mdash; not you, Sparacino points out. She recommends repeating a phrase like, &ldquo;This is the disease, not my parent,&rdquo; which can help you step back and breathe.<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-2-remind-yourself-that-the-boundaries-you-re-setting-protect-your-loved-one\">2. Remind yourself that the boundaries you&rsquo;re setting protect your loved one.<\/h3><p>As much as you might feel like the &ldquo;bad guy,&rdquo; you&rsquo;re actually your older loved one&rsquo;s protector. &ldquo;Boundaries and routines aren&rsquo;t punishments,&rdquo; says Sparancino. &ldquo;They&rsquo;re safeguards for safety and dignity.&rdquo;&nbsp;<\/p><p>She adds that since dementia often brings confusion, anxiety and disorientation, a predictable rhythm to the day can reduce distress. &ldquo;Boundaries create a structure that helps the older adult feel secure while also giving the caregiver a framework for difficult decisions,&rdquo; says Sparancino.<\/p><p>For example, when it comes to medication management, a set routine minimizes errors, reduces agitation and helps preserve independence. &ldquo;The &lsquo;boundary&rsquo; might mean not letting the person self-administer when it becomes unsafe, but this safeguard prevents missed doses or accidental double-dosing,&rdquo; she points out.<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-3-adjust-your-communication-style\">3. Adjust your communication style.<\/h3><p>Believe it or not, your tone and calm presence matter more than what you&rsquo;re actually saying, and making even a slight tweak can make a difference with your older loved one.<\/p><p>&ldquo;Keep it short and simple, validate feelings instead of correcting facts and redirect when possible,&rdquo; advises Sparancino.&nbsp;Validating how they feel and empathizing with their emotions goes a very long way towards helping them feel supported and understood.<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-4-make-time-for-your-own-self-care\">4. Make time for your own self-care.<\/h3><p>Remember that burnout is real and feeling depleted only serves to exacerbate frustration. &ldquo;Caregiving isn&rsquo;t sustainable without caring for yourself,&rdquo; says Sparancino. &ldquo;Even small rituals like a walk, a check-in with a friend or asking for respite make a real difference.&rdquo;<\/p><figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote\"><blockquote><p>&ldquo;Boundaries create a structure that helps the older adult feel secure while also giving the caregiver a framework for difficult decisions.&rdquo; <\/p><cite>&mdash; Barbara Sparacino, geriatric psychiatrist<\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-finding-support-can-help\" data-toc-id=\"794eef3a\">How finding support can help<\/h2><p>With the many responsibilities caregivers have, it&rsquo;s hard to find the time to get the support you need. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.alz.org\/\">Alzheimer&rsquo;s Association<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.caregiver.org\/resource\/caregivers-guide-understanding-dementia-behaviors\/\">Family Caregiver Alliance<\/a> offers a list of free resources to support caregivers and their families.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Seeking out your own <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/caregiver-therapy-benefits\/\">therapist<\/a> or a dementia <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/what-is-an-alzheimers-care-consultant\/\">care consultant<\/a> is also an option.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Fink recommends taking dementia caregiving one step at a time. List all the chores and responsibilities you have to accomplish for the day versus the week and don&rsquo;t hesitate to ask for help from friends and family members.<\/p><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-a-final-word-on-dementia-caregiving-and-feeling-like-the-bad-guy\" data-toc-id=\"e404e179\">A final word on dementia caregiving and feeling like the &ldquo;bad guy&rdquo;<\/h2><p>Caring for a loved one with dementia or Alzheimer&rsquo;s is one of life&rsquo;s most challenging journeys, filled with complex emotions and difficult decisions. The path isn&rsquo;t linear or easy. There will be good days and hard days, moments of connection and times of frustration. What matters most is understanding that feeling overwhelmed, angry or even resentful doesn&rsquo;t make you a bad person or caregiver. These emotions are natural responses to an incredibly demanding situation.<\/p><p>Remember that making time for self-care and support may be necessary to make caregiving sustainable. Whether through professional therapy, faith or support groups, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/how-do-i-find-respite-care\/\">respite care<\/a> or simply talking with others who have been there, you&rsquo;ll do best to build the support network you need. Your loved one needs you to be healthy and emotionally available, which requires prioritizing your own well-being.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You&rsquo;re doing the best you can in an impossible situation, and that&rsquo;s enough. You are not the &ldquo;bad guy&rdquo;; you are the guardian of someone&rsquo;s dignity and safety during their most vulnerable time. And as Anon concludes, &ldquo;There is no perfect way to do this. There&rsquo;s only what&rsquo;s right for you and your family.&rdquo;<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Caring for someone with memory loss can leave you feeling like the \u201cbad guy\u201d \u2014 especially when safety measures are met with resistance. Here\u2019s how to set compassionate boundaries and guard your well-being. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1332,"featured_media":222249,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"enable_toc":true,"care_reviewed_by":1493,"care_post_updated_flag":true,"care_updated_date":"2025-10-30T18:17:31.951Z","last_update":"2025-10-04","view_count":215,"footnotes":"","_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1055,1071],"member-type":[3],"vertical":[8,33],"platform":[2],"class_list":["post-222242","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-alzheimers-dementia","tag-family-caregiving","member-type-seeker","vertical-seniors","vertical-senior-care-advice-tips","platform-resources"],"acf":[],"created":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/222242","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1332"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=222242"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/222242\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":222820,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/222242\/revisions\/222820"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/222249"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=222242"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=222242"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=222242"},{"taxonomy":"member-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/member-type?post=222242"},{"taxonomy":"vertical","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/vertical?post=222242"},{"taxonomy":"platform","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/platform?post=222242"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}