{"id":222040,"date":"2025-09-25T18:33:32","date_gmt":"2025-09-25T18:33:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/?p=222040"},"modified":"2025-10-01T21:19:13","modified_gmt":"2025-10-01T21:19:13","slug":"coping-with-sadness-over-toddler-independence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/coping-with-sadness-over-toddler-independence\/","title":{"rendered":"How to deal with feeling sad about your toddler&#8217;s growing independence"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>When babies become toddlers who suddenly want to do everything on their own, it can sting a bit for parents who were once needed for everything. Gaining independence is a good thing, of course (and a sign of a job well done), but still, it hurts!<\/p><p>&ldquo;The day your toddler looks you square in the eyes and says, &lsquo;No, me do it!&rsquo; will always catch you off guard,&rdquo; notes Ashlyn Ellington, a child and family therapist at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.atlcounseling.com\/\">Atlanta Counseling Collective<\/a>. &ldquo;Suddenly, the little person who once needed you for absolutely everything is pushing your hands away and insisting on their own independence. It&rsquo;s a milestone worth celebrating &mdash; but also, it&rsquo;s normal for it to feel like a tiny heartbreak.&rdquo;<\/p><p>If you&rsquo;re feeling sad that your toddler no longer needs you as much (while feeling proud, too &mdash; two things can be true!), you&rsquo;re not alone. Here&rsquo;s advice and insight on how to deal with the unexpected pangs of sadness that come with a child&rsquo;s transition to more independence.&nbsp;<\/p><div class=\"wp-block-custom-dynamic-list key-takeaways-block\"><h3>Key takeaways<\/h3><div class=\"key-takeaways-container\"><ul><li>Parents often experience a quiet, unspoken grief as their toddlers begin asserting autonomy &mdash; a bittersweet reminder that time is passing and roles are shifting. These feelings don&rsquo;t make you clingy or over-attached; they make you human.<\/li><li>Suppressing sadness won&rsquo;t make it disappear &mdash; naming, expressing, and processing your feelings allows you to move through them. In doing so, you create emotional room to celebrate your child&rsquo;s development and your evolving role.<\/li><li>Encouraging your toddler&rsquo;s self-sufficiency through returned responsibility and esteem-building language fosters resilience and confidence. As your child grows, your job isn&rsquo;t to do for them, but to believe they can do for themselves.<\/li><li>As your child needs you in new ways, it&rsquo;s an opportunity to reconnect with passions, goals and your own identity. Modeling a full, balanced life helps your child see that growth and self-discovery never stop.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-is-it-normal-to-feel-sad-about-my-toddler-not-needing-me-as-much\" data-toc-id=\"50b53eb4\">Is it normal to feel sad about my toddler not needing me as much?<\/h2><p>It&rsquo;s incredibly normal, notes <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dremmabasch.com\/\">Emma Basch<\/a>, a clinical psychologist specializing in maternal mental health and parenting in Washington D.C. However, she notes, this particular sadness is a &ldquo;type of grief that often goes unacknowledged [and] sometimes called disenfranchised grief.&rdquo;<\/p><p>There are many things to miss about babyhood and having a little one who was once completely and utterly dependent on you. &ldquo;Missing the snuggles, the way your child fit perfectly in your arms or the fact that they once needed you to do every little thing doesn&rsquo;t make you clingy,&rdquo; says Ellington. &ldquo;It makes you human.&rdquo;<\/p><p>In addition to your humanity and the &ldquo;demarcation of time passing,&rdquo; Basch notes, &ldquo;the shift in independence marks a change in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/what-is-matrescence\/\">parental identity<\/a>.&rdquo;<\/p><p>This is something that&rsquo;s often difficult for parents, she continues, and it can bring up anxiety, as well.&nbsp;<\/p><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-can-i-deal-with-my-feelings-of-sadness-during-toddlerhood\" data-toc-id=\"c28c9794\">How can I deal with my feelings of sadness during toddlerhood?<\/h2><p>The number one way to address feelings of sadness about your toddler growing up is to recognize and acknowledge the emotions.<\/p><p>&ldquo;It may sound simple, but allow yourself to feel your feelings,&rdquo; Basch notes. &ldquo;Name them, write about them, talk to a friend, cry, talk to a therapist. You can&rsquo;t bulldoze through your feelings, and not dealing with them doesn&rsquo;t make them go away.&rdquo;<\/p><p>Doing this also makes space for new things, notes Ellington. &ldquo;When you acknowledge the pangs of sadness you feel when, say, your toddler zips their jacket up on their own, you&rsquo;re creating room for the joy of watching your toddler grow.&rdquo;<\/p><p>Put another way: The only way out is through.&nbsp;<\/p><p>Ellington notes that other ways to deal with these emotions include:<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Talking with other parents.<\/li><li>Journaling.<\/li><li>Laughing with friends and other parents about this season of life.<\/li><\/ul><p>It also bears noting that it&rsquo;s important for parents to manage their feelings with adult support, and not with their child, says Basch.<\/p><figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote\"><blockquote><p>&ldquo;Suddenly, the little person who once needed you for absolutely everything is pushing your hands away and insisting on their own independence. It&rsquo;s a milestone worth celebrating &mdash; but also, it&rsquo;s normal for it to feel like a tiny heartbreak.&rdquo;<\/p><cite>&mdash; Ashlyn Ellington, a child and family therapist<\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-can-i-support-my-toddler-s-independence\" data-toc-id=\"f6b0846d\">How can I support my toddler&rsquo;s independence?<\/h2><p>While toddler independence can bring on the feels, supporting your child during this phase &mdash; need we even say it? &mdash; is highly encouraged.&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;Don&rsquo;t let feelings of sadness impede your child&rsquo;s development,&rdquo; says Sara Loftin, a clinical therapist <a href=\"https:\/\/www.childrens.com\/locations\/dallas-campus\/childrens-medical-center-dallas\">Children&rsquo;s Health<\/a> in Dallas. &ldquo;Many parents continue to complete tasks for their toddlers who request &mdash; OK, demand&nbsp;&mdash; to accomplish these tasks independently. Parents may do this because it is easier, they are in a rush, or, deep down, they want to still feel needed.&rdquo;&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;It is vital for parents to understand they are needed,&rdquo; she continues. &ldquo;However, their roles change as their children develop.&rdquo;<\/p><p>According to Loftin, three skills are key when supporting a child&rsquo;s independence:&nbsp;<\/p><ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Returning responsibility.<\/li><li>Esteem-building responses.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Encouragement vs. praise.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-returning-responsibility\">Returning responsibility<\/h3><p>You don&rsquo;t know what toddlers are capable of until you give them the opportunity to try, Loftin notes. &ldquo;When your child asks you to complete a task for them, return that responsibility,&rdquo; she says. &ldquo;Answer with: &lsquo;Hm, I think that&rsquo;s something you can do!&rsquo;&rdquo;<\/p><p>&ldquo;Children will often arrive at a solution better than our own when faced with a challenge,&rdquo; she continues. &ldquo;This way, children learn they can do hard things and will want to continue to grow and develop.&rdquo;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-esteem-building-responses\">Esteem-building responses<\/h3><p>When your child is struggling with a task, offer encouragement. Phrases such as &ldquo;you&rsquo;re working so hard!&rdquo; and &ldquo;you&rsquo;re not giving up!&rdquo; can inspire a child to persevere, according to Loftin.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-encouragement-vs-praise\">Encouragement vs. praise<\/h3><p>When you praise your toddler (&ldquo;You are so smart!&rdquo;) instead of encourage them (&ldquo;You worked so hard on that!&rdquo;), they may accomplish tasks for the approval of others instead of achieving because it intrinsically feels good to work hard, notes Loftin.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p><figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote\"><blockquote><p>&ldquo;It may sound simple, but allow yourself to feel your feelings. Name them, write about them, talk to a friend, cry, talk to a therapist. You can&rsquo;t bulldoze through your feelings, and not dealing with them doesn&rsquo;t make them go away.&rdquo;<\/p><cite>&mdash; Emma Basch, a clinical psychologist specializing in maternal mental health and parenting<\/cite><\/blockquote><\/figure><h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-can-i-find-my-purpose-during-this-transitional-time\">How can I find my purpose during this transitional time?<\/h3><p>The flip side of your child needing you less is figuring out what fills the space for you.&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;Parenthood has a way of swallowing your identity, and when your toddler starts pulling away, it can leave you wondering, &lsquo;What now?&rsquo;&rdquo; notes Ellington. &ldquo;This is an invitation to rediscover yourself.&rdquo;<\/p><p>Ellington suggests dusting off an old hobby, pursuing a career goal, reconnecting with friends or enjoying the small freedoms you didn&rsquo;t previously have, like finishing coffee while it&rsquo;s still hot.<\/p><p>&ldquo;Speaking with a therapist or counselor can be a beautiful space to explore your values and identify what you want those to look like in this new season,&rdquo; she continues. &ldquo;Finding purpose outside of parenting not only strengthens you &mdash; it models for your child what a full, balanced life looks like.&rdquo;<\/p><p>Also, keep in mind: Just because your child doesn&rsquo;t need you in the same way, they still need you. &ldquo;Your role is still critical as a parent,&rdquo; notes Basch. &ldquo;It&rsquo;s just different and changing.&rdquo;<\/p><h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-where-can-i-find-support\" data-toc-id=\"60751f2e\">Where can I find support?<\/h2><p>In addition to considering a therapist, the experts we spoke to all agree that finding other adults who &ldquo;get it&rdquo; is key.&nbsp;<\/p><p>&ldquo;Search for a parent group in your local area or join a social media group specifically for parents of toddlers,&rdquo; says Loftin. &ldquo;Be intentional about forging a community around you. Supportive friendships don&rsquo;t just happen, they are sought out and need intentionality.&nbsp; Schedule time with friends, and make sure you follow through.&rdquo;<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Learn how to deal with the unexpected pangs of sadness that come with a child\u2019s transition to more independence.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1273,"featured_media":222045,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"enable_toc":true,"care_reviewed_by":0,"care_post_updated_flag":true,"care_updated_date":"2025-09-25 00:00:00","last_update":"2025-09-25","view_count":690,"footnotes":"","_members_access_role":[],"_members_access_error":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1088],"member-type":[3],"vertical":[6,17],"platform":[2],"class_list":["post-222040","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-toddlers","member-type-seeker","vertical-children","vertical-child-care-advice","platform-resources"],"acf":[],"created":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/222040","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1273"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=222040"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/222040\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":222186,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/222040\/revisions\/222186"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/222045"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=222040"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=222040"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=222040"},{"taxonomy":"member-type","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/member-type?post=222040"},{"taxonomy":"vertical","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/vertical?post=222040"},{"taxonomy":"platform","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.care.com\/c\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/platform?post=222040"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}