Convincing an aging loved one to accept the care they need can be challenging for everyone, but there are practical steps to take when an older parent refuses help.<\/p>
Key takeaways<\/h3>- Older adults often refuse needed care due to fear of losing independence, denial about their decline or discomfort with change — making caregiving emotionally challenging for their adult children. <\/li>
- Experts suggest using empathy, patience and strategic communication to better understand their resistance and gradually introduce help. <\/li>
- Ultimately, caregivers must accept their limitations and focus on what they can do, rather than trying to control every outcome.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div>
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<\/a><\/figure><\/div>Why do older adults refuse care they need?<\/h2>
Before pushing your mom too hard to accept help, try to understand her fears about aging, says Cohen: “Many older people see themselves as proud survivors. They think ‘I’ve been through good times and bad, so I’ll be fine on my own.’ Plus, they don’t believe their children understand the physical and emotional toll of age-related declines.”<\/p>
An older adult in the early stages of cognitive impairment may be the most difficult to deal with. “Your angry father or agitated mother is aware of this miserable change in their brain they don’t quite understand,” Cohen adds. Calm reassurance will help them cope with a frightening loss of function.<\/p>
How does the refusal of care affect adult children?<\/h2>
It’s normal for family caregivers to feel upended<\/a> and to experience rage, helplessness, frustration and guilt while trying to help an intransigent older loved one, says Barbara Kane, co-author of “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children.” “You may revert to the same coping mechanisms you had during adolescent power struggles with your parent — screaming, yelling or running out of the room,” she says. “You need to understand what parental behaviors trigger your emotional response and realize you have other choices.”<\/p>How can I encourage older loved ones to accept the care they need?<\/h2>
Here are nine strategies to help you overcome the objections of a recalcitrant loved one:<\/p>
1. Have conversations early on<\/h3>
Ideally, families have relaxed conversations about caregiving<\/a> long before a health crisis. Look for opportunities to ask questions like, “Mom, where do you see yourself getting older?” or “How would you feel about hiring a housekeeper<\/a> or driver so you could stay home?”<\/p>2. Ask questions more than once <\/strong>— and in different ways<\/h3>Ask open-ended questions and give your loved one time to answer, says Mary Stehle, licensed clinical social worker and Care.com senior care advisor. “You can say, ‘Dad, what’s it like to take care of mom 24 hours a day?'” It may take several conversations to discover the reason your mother, a meticulous housekeeper, has fired five aides in a row is simply that they neglected to vacuum under the dining room table.<\/p>
3. Validate your loved one’s feelings<\/strong><\/h3>Ask questions to determine why an older adult refuses help — then you can tailor a solution, Kane says. “Is it about a lack of privacy, fears about the cost of care<\/a>, losing independence or having a stranger in the house?” says Kane. To build trust, listen with empathy, and validate rather than deny your loved one’s feelings.<\/p>4. Offer options<\/strong><\/h3>If possible, include your parent in interviews or in setting schedules when hiring in-home care<\/a>, says Stehle. Let them choose certain days of the week or times of day to have a home health aide<\/a> come. Emphasize an aide will be a companion for walks, concerts, museum visits and other favorite activities.<\/p>5. Recruit outsiders<\/strong><\/h3>“Sometimes it’s easier for a parent to talk to a professional rather than a family member,” says Cohen. Instead of hearing it from just you, ask a social worker, a doctor or nurse, a priest or minister — even an old poker buddy — to be a part of the conversations and to suggest that your parent might benefit from help.<\/p>
6. Prioritize problems<\/strong><\/h3>Make two lists, says Cohen, one for your loved one’s problems and another for the steps you’ve already taken — and where to get more help. “If you don’t categorize your efforts, caregiving becomes this huge weight,” says Cohen. Writing it down and numbering by priority can relieve a lot of stress.<\/p>
7. Use indirect approaches<\/strong><\/h3>
- Older adults often refuse needed care due to fear of losing independence, denial about their decline or discomfort with change — making caregiving emotionally challenging for their adult children. <\/li>
- Experts suggest using empathy, patience and strategic communication to better understand their resistance and gradually introduce help. <\/li>
- Ultimately, caregivers must accept their limitations and focus on what they can do, rather than trying to control every outcome.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div>
<\/p>
<\/a><\/figure><\/div>Why do older adults refuse care they need?<\/h2>
Before pushing your mom too hard to accept help, try to understand her fears about aging, says Cohen: “Many older people see themselves as proud survivors. They think ‘I’ve been through good times and bad, so I’ll be fine on my own.’ Plus, they don’t believe their children understand the physical and emotional toll of age-related declines.”<\/p>
An older adult in the early stages of cognitive impairment may be the most difficult to deal with. “Your angry father or agitated mother is aware of this miserable change in their brain they don’t quite understand,” Cohen adds. Calm reassurance will help them cope with a frightening loss of function.<\/p>
How does the refusal of care affect adult children?<\/h2>
It’s normal for family caregivers to feel upended<\/a> and to experience rage, helplessness, frustration and guilt while trying to help an intransigent older loved one, says Barbara Kane, co-author of “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A Guide for Stressed-Out Children.” “You may revert to the same coping mechanisms you had during adolescent power struggles with your parent — screaming, yelling or running out of the room,” she says. “You need to understand what parental behaviors trigger your emotional response and realize you have other choices.”<\/p>
How can I encourage older loved ones to accept the care they need?<\/h2>
Here are nine strategies to help you overcome the objections of a recalcitrant loved one:<\/p>
1. Have conversations early on<\/h3>
Ideally, families have relaxed conversations about caregiving<\/a> long before a health crisis. Look for opportunities to ask questions like, “Mom, where do you see yourself getting older?” or “How would you feel about hiring a housekeeper<\/a> or driver so you could stay home?”<\/p>
2. Ask questions more than once <\/strong>— and in different ways<\/h3>
Ask open-ended questions and give your loved one time to answer, says Mary Stehle, licensed clinical social worker and Care.com senior care advisor. “You can say, ‘Dad, what’s it like to take care of mom 24 hours a day?'” It may take several conversations to discover the reason your mother, a meticulous housekeeper, has fired five aides in a row is simply that they neglected to vacuum under the dining room table.<\/p>
3. Validate your loved one’s feelings<\/strong><\/h3>
Ask questions to determine why an older adult refuses help — then you can tailor a solution, Kane says. “Is it about a lack of privacy, fears about the cost of care<\/a>, losing independence or having a stranger in the house?” says Kane. To build trust, listen with empathy, and validate rather than deny your loved one’s feelings.<\/p>
4. Offer options<\/strong><\/h3>
If possible, include your parent in interviews or in setting schedules when hiring in-home care<\/a>, says Stehle. Let them choose certain days of the week or times of day to have a home health aide<\/a> come. Emphasize an aide will be a companion for walks, concerts, museum visits and other favorite activities.<\/p>
5. Recruit outsiders<\/strong><\/h3>
“Sometimes it’s easier for a parent to talk to a professional rather than a family member,” says Cohen. Instead of hearing it from just you, ask a social worker, a doctor or nurse, a priest or minister — even an old poker buddy — to be a part of the conversations and to suggest that your parent might benefit from help.<\/p>
6. Prioritize problems<\/strong><\/h3>
Make two lists, says Cohen, one for your loved one’s problems and another for the steps you’ve already taken — and where to get more help. “If you don’t categorize your efforts, caregiving becomes this huge weight,” says Cohen. Writing it down and numbering by priority can relieve a lot of stress.<\/p>
7. Use indirect approaches<\/strong><\/h3>