Valerie's Story: Balancing Kids and Aging Parents
Care.com recently ran a Guest Writer Contest asking all promising scribes to tell us about themselves and their families. Our panel of judges finally narrowed the selection down to two mothers, Kelsey and Valerie. Both told their life stories with intense passion and heart wrenching honesty. Both are potentially facing the greatest challenges of their lives. And we had no choice but to choose both as the winners of our contest.
We'd like to introduce you to Valerie: writer, wife, daughter, and mother of two. Over the past year, Ohio-based Valerie has been facing a reality that increasing numbers of Americans share. At the same time that she and her husband were balancing work with caring for their two children (ages 4 and 6), Valerie's father grew sick, and she became his main caregiver. About four months ago, her father passed away, and she has since continued to care for her mother, who has moved to an independent living apartment. To understand how she got through such a tough time in her life and continues to balance care for her children and her mom, the Care Team and I asked her to share some insights into what it means to be Valerie:
>> Read her posts
What has been the most stressful part about caring for your mom while still caring for your young kids?
Feeling guilty all the time - feeling guilty that I'm schlepping my four-year-old to mom's doctor appointments and guilty when mom calls to chat and I am trying to get dinner on the table with the kids vying for attention.
In what ways are you still struggling with the loss?
Because I was the main caregiver for my dad throughout his treatment, I still relive many of those moments we shared: driving to doctor appointments, sitting through chemo and watching his pain escalate as he slipped away that last day. These flashbacks are still so vivid.
What is the best thing someone can do for a friend who has lost a parent?
Be there. Call. Show up with dinner. Take the kids for a while. Don't just offer to help. Show up and help. One of my dearest friends, who lives four hours away, drove up the day after dad died and stayed for a night, just to help out with whatever. I am still so deeply touched by her caring enough to be there.
What do you look for when hiring a caregiver for your family?
In this day and age, we all have to be cautious. Background checks and reference checks are so important.. But ultimately, I think hiring someone to care for my family comes down to a feeling that it is right. Call it Mom's intuition, you know when it's right and you know when it's not. That inner voice has been my strongest guide.
Do you think it is more challenging to find quality child care or senior care?
It took us about two weeks to interview and hire our current nanny. Without Care.com, it would have been a nightmare trying to find someone that fit what we were looking for. While we still haven't found senior care for my mom because of timing on our part, I think that senior care will be harder to find because of the fear of someone manipulating my mom.
How do you create time for yourself?
I workout. Well, I did until I broke my leg running on September 1. Yes, in addition to all this, I will be wearing the Aircast for two more weeks. Thankfully, I broke my left leg, not my right, so I am still able to drive and walk without crutches. Before the broken leg, I would hit the gym 4 or 5 times a week with my girlfriend. We'd jump on the elliptical trainers and gossip for 45 minutes. Throughout this year there have been many tears on that elliptical, but it's been good therapy for me. I can't wait to get back to the gym.
What advice can you offer parents new to the Sandwich Generation?
Take it one day at a time, but that's been my advice since having kids. Ask me again when this phase of life is through. I'm sure I'll have great advice then.
Read more about Valerie's story:
Grief with a Side of Bacon
6 Ways to "Buy" Myself a Break
Tiffany Smith is the senior associate editor here at Care.com. She has written for All You, Time for Kids and the Boston Globe. And as a former babysitter, she knows a lot about fun games to play with kids. Getting them to eat their veggies -- that’s a different story! Follow her on Twitter @tiffanyiswrite.
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