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26 Things No Nanny Would Ever Say

Nicole Leigh Shaw
July 24, 2017

Nannies aren't always perfect, but no nanny would ever say, "I like kids, just not your kids."

You've decided to hire a nanny. Great, now you can really start worrying. Just kidding. 
You've done your due-dilligence. You've interviewed her, run a background check, called numerous references (even ones she didn't give you right away), Googled her, checked social media accounts, and tested with your kids. You know your nanny is a professional. She's not going to show up and ask, "Do you have any prescription painkillers lying around? I sometimes like to take the edge off."

For entertainment purposes, we came up with 26 other things no pro-nanny would ever even think -- let alone say. What would you add? 

  1. "Surprise! The kids and I picked out a puppy!"
  2. "I once raised a litter of kittens, so I'm sure I can handle your twins."
  3. "I think it's important for kids to learn through consequences. That's why I let them run with scissors."
  4. "I just turned on a movie for the kids and slept."
  5. "Can my boyfriend sleep over? He's in a band. Also, can his band sleep over?"
  6. "I let your kids taste a beer so they could see how yucky it is."
  7. "Your sheets are so comfortable!"
  8. "Well, if he chokes on a grape, then I'll start cutting them up."
  9. "I can smoke in the house, right?"
  10. "I'm not really into changing diapers."
  11. "I'm not what you might call a 'kid person.'"
  12. "How many quiet time outs are too many quiet time outs?"
  13. "No worries, I watched a lot of 'The Nanny' reruns growing up."
  14. "The kids can make their own lunches, right?"
  15. "Can I have Friday mornings off? I usually go out late on Thursdays." 
  16. "The baby called me 'mommy' today."
  17. "My previous employer hated me."
  18. "Well, if you didn't want me to borrow your clothes, you should have said so."
  19. "I'll just hold on to the key for the liquor cabinet, just in case."
  20. "I thought these kids were free-range."
  21. "Today is 'Candy for Dinner Day!'"
  22. "I had to run out, but don't worry, the kids were fine here playing on their iPads."
  23. "I don't do bedtime stories."
  24. "I figure, as long as they have some applesauce with their french fries, fast food is as healthy as anything else."
  25. "Well, I do use car seats when we're on the highway..."
  26. "Your husband is so hot. Is he younger than you?"

These are all said in jest, but if you ever have your doubts -- if a gut feeling says she's not the right nanny -- it's time to interview the best partner for your parenting team. 

See the best questions to ask during a nanny interview

If you're a new nanny, check out How to Be the Best Nanny

Nicole Leigh Shaw began writing as a newspaper journalist in 1999, but has been moving through all the metamorphic stages of the modern writer, except "tortured novelist," and soon she'll emerge as a butterfly or a vlogger. Nicole writes for Cosmopolitan.com and ScaryMommy.com, and has contributed to four anthologies including the New York Times bestseller, "I Just Want to Pee Alone."

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