Unlike getting a driver’s license, there’s no set age when girls decide they want to (or don’t want to) start shaving their legs and underarms. And unlike the appropriate time for kids to get a phone or log onto social media, it isn’t a parenting topic that gets a ton of airtime. However, it’s a subject that comes up in many households, and it can leave parents scratching their heads about what’s “appropriate” (and, in many cases, trying to unpack/reconcile their own feelings about female body hair.) The good news? So long as you approach this topic honestly and with an open mind, it’s hard to go wrong.
“When it comes to having conversations about body hair, there are so many angles that can be taken, such as discussing body image, self-esteem and the way girls are marketed to, to name a few,” says sexuality educator Dawn Ravine, creator of the Never Fear Talks at Lurie Children’s Hospital in Chicago. “But whatever topic you’re discussing with your child, make sure you convey that body hair is normal and not ‘dirty.’ From a young age, ultimately, you want to get the message across in a nonjudgmental way that some people have body hair, some don’t.”
Tori Cordiano, a clinical psychologist in Beachwood, Ohio, who specializes in the emotional, psychological and behavioral development of children and adolescents, adds that, when you have these talks, make sure they’re short and sweet, as opposed to lengthy soliloquies. “This is a ‘less-is-more’ kind of conversation,” she notes, “mainly because many tweens and teens will squirm and try to end the conversation before it’s even started.”
“Make sure you convey that body hair is normal and not ‘dirty.’”
— DAWN RAVINE, SEXUALITY EDUCATOR
Want to know how to navigate this seemingly tricky subject? Read on for expert advice.
When should girls start shaving?
First thing’s first: There’s no age when girls should start shaving. In fact, girls don’t have to shave at all if they don’t want to. (And, on the flip side, some boys may want to — and that’s OK.) But! Given that we live in a consumer-driven, image-focused society, where marketers regularly tell kids (girls, particularly) what they should be doing (and how they “should look”), there’s a good chance it’s going to come up — and again, that’s fine. The most important thing is how you, the parent, approach the subject (more on this shortly).
With that said, in general, most girls start getting curious about shaving around (or a little before) they hit puberty, which tends to happen any time between the ages of 8-13. Of course, there are a number of factors that can spark a girl’s interest in shaving, including — unfortunately — having their hair pointed out by someone else.
“My daughter has always had very dark hair,” says Erin Lee, a mom of one in Hopewell, New Jersey. “But still, I was shocked when she asked me about shaving when she was in second grade. After talking with her, I found out that the reason she was asking was because a boy in class had made fun of her leg hair.” (Keep reading for more on this, too.)
How to discuss shaving when you don’t quite feel your child is ready
The best thing moms and dads can do if and when the subject is broached is be respectful and open. “Conversations around body hair and shaving can feel stressful for parents and kids, but they go better if parents enter the conversation with curiosity, rather than judgment,” Cordiano says. “For example, even if you don’t agree with your child’s belief that they’re ready to shave, it’s more helpful to say: ‘Hmm… tell me more about why you’d like to start shaving,’ as opposed to: ‘You’re too young to worry about shaving; you’ll have plenty of time for that when you’re older.’”
“Conversations around body hair and shaving can feel stressful for parents and kids, but they go better if parents enter the conversation with curiosity, rather than judgment.”
— TORI CORDIANO, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
Ravine adds that it can also be helpful to explain how this rite of passage, so to speak, makes you feel as a parent. By doing this, you’re giving your child insight and context into your thinking. “Be truthful and acknowledge how you feel if you’re not completely comfortable,” she says. “You can say something like: ‘This makes me feel like you’re growing up and I don’t know if I’m ready for that, but I want to support you.’”
When you think your child should shave (but they haven’t expressed interest)
“Shaving is ultimately an individual’s personal choice,” Cordiano points out. “Plenty of adults choose not to shave body hair for a number of valid reasons.” That said, if you’re a person who’s spent their life shaving or you value stereotypical femininity (which is OK!), it’s important to check in with yourself before telling your child what they should be doing (with their body).
“If you’re used to a certain beauty standard and your kid isn’t, it’s important to first understand that it’s normal — particularly for this generation,” Ravine says, adding that if you’ve broached the subject of shaving with your child and they’re not into it, try to “fix your face” and let them know that it’s OK and that you understand that this is who they are. “You can even say: ‘This is hard for me, but I want to support you,’” she says. “Lean in and listen to what they have to say.”
If you’re in the position of worrying about what older family members may think of your child’s choice not to shave, talk to them — not your child. “If your parents are going to be uncomfortable with your child’s body hair, speak to them before a family event and let them know that beauty standards have changed — and that it’s a good thing,” Ravine explains. “Older generations’ views on shaving shouldn’t be a burden for a child.”
On the flip side, if you think your child wants to shave, but they haven’t brought it up because they don’t know how, broach the subject casually and with curiosity, Cordiano suggests. ,
“Some teenagers may want to shave but do not really know how to start while others aren’t yet interested or prefer not to shave. Entering the conversation curiously allows parents to better understand teens’ reasoning behind choosing not to shave.”
“Some teenagers may want to shave but do not really know how to start while others aren’t yet interested or prefer not to shave. Entering the conversation curiously allows parents to better understand teens’ reasoning behind choosing not to shave.”
— TORI CORDIANO, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
When your child asks you about shaving because they’ve been made fun of
The sad truth is, for many girls, the desire to shave (their legs, underarms, upper lip) stems from a snarky comment made by another. (Think: “Ew! Why are your legs so hairy?!”) While learning about such an incident may feel like a punch in the gut for parents, fact is, obnoxious kids and peer pressure are here to stay. What can you do? Support your child.
According to Cordiano, the first step is to validate your child if something like this happens. “Empathize with them that it was really unkind and inappropriate for someone to comment about their body in any way,” she says. “And before you have any conversation about shaving, check in with your child to see how they’re feeling about the incident. After that, you can assess how your child feels about shaving. Is it something they really want to do? Be sure to let them know that they are entitled to make choices about their bodies, independent of what others think.”
How to address shaving as a beauty standard for girls
Why are girls expected to shave and not boys? It’s a valid question and something that should be addressed, regardless of whether or not your child questions the ($532 billion) beauty industry. By doing so, you’re helping shed light — with the risk of getting heavy — on the fact that many of the practices girls (and boys) are expected to adopt are social constructs that ultimately benefit a select group financially. (You’re helping lift the curtain a bit, so to speak.)
That said, if you yourself have grown up with certain views about body hair, it may not be a conversation that’s necessarily going to come easily or naturally — which is fine! You can express that to your child. “It’s absolutely OK for parents to respond to questions about beauty standards with something along the lines of: ‘That’s a great question! I’m so glad your brain works in a way to question these sorts of things. I don’t know if I have a good answer for you, but I’d love to keep talking about it together,’” Cordiano says.
Again, try to steer clear of big speeches, which generally result in kids tuning out. Instead, bring the subject up when the time feels right. “If femininity is important to your cis or transgender child and they’re interested in shaving, that’s valid. Take the steps to make them feel comfortable. But it’s important to discuss gender stereotypes and the beauty industry,” Ravine says, adding that a great opportunity for this is during commercials for beauty products or when you’re at the store, shopping for razors and shaving cream. “Point out the differences in both price and color between razors marketed towards men and women. Discuss marketing and who’s ultimately profiting. There are good, thoughtful conversations that can come from this.”
“If femininity is important to your cis or transgender child and they’re interested in shaving, that’s valid.”
— DAWN RAVINE, SEXUALITY EDUCATOR
And if you shave and your child asks you why after you’ve had these eye-opening discussions, just let them know that it’s a beauty standard you feel comfortable with, but that you’d respect anything they decide to do, Ravine says. And who knows? Maybe it will make you change your own behaviors because, as Ravine points out: “So many times, when our children bring something to our attention, it’s the first time we reflect on these behaviors of our own.”
The bottom line
When it comes to adolescents shaving, there’s no right or wrong. Some like it, some don’t. So long as you have open, honest conversations with your child, where you’re respecting what’s important to them, you’re doing right by them. And at the same time, be ready to accept that their thoughts may differ from yours.
“Whether your child follows traditional beauty guidelines or not, it’s important to let them know that you respect bodily autonomy,” Ravine says. “Otherwise, they’re more likely to hide things, such as shaving, behind your back and mess up. You want them to know that you’re the person they can always come to.”
