Feeling anger is a normal emotion we all experience, and living in pandemic times has made it especially difficult to cope. Mask mandates, isolation, loss and uncertainty have made people of all ages express their frustration and anger. Yet, it’s kids who are experiencing the most upheaval in their social and learning environments — and who are the least equipped to regulate their emotions in response.
Ana Diaz-Zubieta, a clinical child psychologist based in Miami, says, “Physical and/or verbal aggression often become the first line of defense for a child who has difficulty coping with frustration or lacks the proper problem-solving skills to manage life’s challenges, difficulties or negative emotions.”
“Physical and/or verbal aggression often become the first line of defense for a child who has difficulty coping with frustration or lacks the proper problem-solving skills to manage life’s challenges, difficulties or negative emotions.”
— ANA DIAZ-ZUBIETA, CLINICAL CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST
Toddlers fall to the floor kicking and screaming, tweens and adolescents shout and slam doors. When emotions get to a boiling point, some kids don’t know what to do. Parents and caregivers need to know how to address anger issues in kids so that angry feelings don’t turn into a pattern of aggressive behaviors like spitting, hitting or kicking.
Why the pandemic has created more emotional challenges for kids
The lack of social contact in many ways has increased feelings of frustration. Children have had to forego hugs and playdates with their peers. They see more masked faces than smiling ones on the streets and in their classrooms. Neacol Robinson, an Ohio-based psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner says, “The conditions of living in a pandemic have invited isolation, and humans are social creatures. The human touch is very powerful and is a way to express love and concern.” In other words, kids need affection to help them to cope.
Providing anger coping skills for kids during a pandemic is hard. “I believe amongst the clearest challenges of the pandemic for children and families,” says Diaz, “is that during this time everyone is going through challenging times all at once. When everyone is struggling at some capacity, it has become more of a challenge to find stable support. Children and adolescents might have parents, teachers, siblings and friends who are stressed out more than average.”
“Amongst the clearest challenges of the pandemic for children and families is that during this time everyone is going through challenging times all at once. When everyone is struggling at some capacity, it has become more of a challenge to find stable support.”
— ANA DIAZ-ZUBIETA
How parents and caregivers can help kids manage anger
Despite the stress we are all going through, there are still specific ways adults can help kids.
1. Let kids know it’s OK to feel angry
Diaz says, telling kids it’s “OK to feel angry’’ is an important step in helping them understand the difference between the feeling and appropriate ways to respond. She says, “Taking the time to talk through and find strategies can help a child feel less overwhelmed by their anger.”
2. Help kids identify the source of their anger
Despite their age, kids don’t always know what’s making them angry. Robinson says, “Children with anger management issues need to be heard, so listening for clues regarding the source of the frustration is key.” Once kids can identify the source of their frustration, it will be easier for adults to show empathy and kids to feel heard and understood.
“Children with anger management issues need to be heard, so listening for clues regarding the source of the frustration is key.”
— NEACOL ROBINSON, PSYCHIATRIC MENTAL HEALTH NURSE PRACTITIONER
3. Model healthy ways to deal with angry feelings
Children get their cues from adults, so modeling how to manage angry feelings will help kids do the same. Diaz says, “Children need to be able to see healthy representations of emotional management. Children also need to be able to have an alternative to their negative responses that they can rely on.” For this reason, it’s important for adults to check in with their own emotions.
4. Let kids know when you need to step away
When emotions are high, sometimes the best response is taking a break. Kristen Coggin, mom of an 8, 5, and 22-month old, says when her kids are having anger management issues, she has the biggest challenge with “managing how I process the discomfort I am feeling in the moment.” She says stepping away has helped in moments when she has needed to self-regulate. She tells her children, “I need to take a few minutes because I am feeling frustrated.” When adults state their emotional needs, it helps kids do the same.
5. Teach coping strategies when kids are happy
In the heat of the moment, validation may be more important than instruction. Charisse A. Sims, an educator and mom of six children, ranging from ages 3 to 11 years old says, “One common mistake we make with our children is trying to teach and give them tools in the moments of big emotions. I regularly practice and teach different breathing and calming techniques when my children are happy, so it sticks, is exciting — and so they know how to do it without having to try to learn something new amidst a very hard time.”
“I regularly practice and teach different breathing and calming techniques when my children are happy, so it sticks, is exciting — and so they know how to do it without having to try to learn something new amidst a very hard time.”
— CHARISSE A. SIMS, EDUCATOR AND MOM OF 6
6. Help kids come with possible alternatives to expressing their anger
Once kids calm down, Sims suggests working with kids to help them come up with an alternative response to their feelings. “Depending on their age, I may invite them to join the thought process in figuring out “How?” or [asking] “What else can we do?” Or I offer choices.“
7. Show kids you care
Sims says sometimes she immediately asks her kids for a hug. “With the squeeze, I get to also calm down the actual nervous system that is making their body feel angry.”
Tasheba Berry-McLaren, owner and operator of Next 2 Mom Learning Center in Miami, says child care providers who connect with the children in their care do better with helping them manage their emotions. “You have to build a relationship with children for them to understand and feel the connection with you. A lot of times, kids are physically talking to you through their behavior. They just want love. They want to feel a bond with someone, and they want to feel safe.”
“A lot of times, kids are physically talking to you through their behavior. They just want love. They want to feel a bond with someone, and they want to feel safe.”
— TASHEBA BERRY-MCLAREN, OWNER/OPERATOR, NEXT 2 MOM LEARNING CENTER
When to seek professional help
Anger is a normal emotion, but sometimes it can get to a point where parents need to seek professional help for support. Diaz says, “When a child has a difficult time managing the emotion of anger, a telltale sign is that the child’s relationships are significantly, negatively impacted. If a child is physically harming themselves or others, if they are exhibiting constant outbursts or other behaviors that impact their day-to-day functioning (i.e., school, negative impact on relationships) or if the problems seem to be getting significantly worse without explanation, those are signs that professional help is warranted.”
