Can you spoil a newborn? Experts explain why the answer is ‘no’

After nearly a year of pregnancy, the transition to being the parent of an infant can be rocky. Your brain screams at you to respond to their quietest grunt and (impressively loud) cry. And then, while soothing them during a family gathering, you hear something that catches you off guard: “Be careful, or you’re going to spoil them.”

But is spoiling a newborn even possible? While this may be shocking to some grandparents, the answer is a resounding “no.” According to Dr. Mona Amin, pediatrician and host of The PedsDocTalk Podcast, infants communicate by crying or fussing when something doesn’t feel right. And when you respond, “That’s not spoiling — it’s teaching them they can count on you.”

So what does it mean to “spoil” a newborn, and what do they actually need in those early days? Read on for early childhood and parenting experts’ take, signs your attentiveness may be flirting with anxiety and how to respond if you’re accused of being a helicopter parent.

What does it mean to “spoil” a newborn?

If you were to ask someone what “spoiling” a newborn looks like, they might jump to one or more of the following options: 

• You hold them too much.
• You respond too quickly to their cries. 
• You pick them up when they cry in the middle of the night.
• You allow the ever-so-indulgent contact nap.

But there are key differences between responding to a newborn’s physical and emotional needs and spoiling an older child. For example, your infant is completely dependent on you, whereas an older child has the ability to do things for themselves, says Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist.

Infants also don’t have the ability to manipulate you, adds Amin. When an infant cries, they are communicating a need. The concept of “spoiling” really doesn’t come into play until later in the developmental process; Once your child hits toddlerhood, they may begin testing limits and learning cause and effect, she says, which is a normal learning stage (as opposed to bad behavior). For instance, they may come to the realization that crying leads to a desired outcome, such as a snack.

What’s normal newborn behavior?

Infants require what often feels like nonstop care. And responding to those needs may be misconstrued as “spoiling” from an outside perspective. With that in mind, here are some examples of normal newborn needs and behaviors:

• Sleeping one to two hours at a time. While newborns typically sleep approximately 16 to 17 hours per day, it is normal for it to take place in short phases and for them to wake frequently, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).
• Requiring frequent feedings, particularly if they are breastfed. Because breast milk is easier to digest than formula, breastfed babies may need to be fed every two to three hours until approximately six months, according to the AAP. (And even more often, if they’re clusterfeeding.)
• Being unable to fall asleep independently. Until your baby is around four months old, they likely won’t be able to fall asleep independently, according to the AAP.
• Crying to be held, without a clear physical reason. You holding your newborn helps them to regulate, states Amin. “Being cuddled helps steady their breathing, heart rate and body temperature, and it gives them a sense of safety in a world that’s brand new,” she adds. “Even when there isn’t an obvious reason, wanting to be held is a healthy part of development, not a sign of spoiling.”

What is responsive parenting and what are the benefits?

Grounded in developmental science, responsive parenting is an approach that emphasizes empathy, respect and open communication between parent and child. Responsive parenting involves understanding and responding sensitively to a child’s unique needs, emotions and perspective through mutual dialogue, compassion and “serve and return” interactions.

As a parent, one of your ultimate goals is for your child to become more independent as they get older. The secure attachment you foster with your infant will lead to that, according to the experts we spoke to. 

On the flip side, if a parent’s responses are inconsistent or missing, the child doesn’t know what to expect. This can lead to them being extra clingy or, conversely, acting overly independent before they’re ready, she adds. 

But before you add this to your exhaustive mental list of dos and don’ts of parenting, Amin emphasizes that babies (and children, overall) don’t need you to be perfect. “What matters most is being consistent and connected over time,” she says. “It’s the ongoing pattern of care and repair that supports healthy development.”

“When babies are met with comfort and consistency, their brains learn safety, trust and how to calm down after stress.”

— Dr. Mona Amin, pediatrician and host of The PedsDocTalk Podcast

How to know if your responsive parenting is bordering on anxiety

Not only does pregnancy change your body in drastic ways, it also alters your brain. During pregnancy (and up to two years or longer into postpartum), your brain changes to become more attuned to your baby’s needs, says Allie McQuaid, a licensed clinical professional counselor and owner of Tree House Therapy, LLC. “It’s actually a survival instinct as a way to protect the baby and also increase bonding,” she adds.

In other words, that deep urge to check on your baby, respond to every sound or keep them close isn’t “spoiling” — it’s biology at work. Your heightened awareness helps you meet your baby’s needs quickly and foster secure attachment.

At the same time, you’ll want to keep an eye out for behaviors that cause distress or interfere with your rest and recovery, says McQuaid. This might look like:

• Being unable to sleep, even when your baby is sleeping.
• Experiencing racing thoughts.
• Feeling a constant dread that something terrible will happen.

These can all be signs of postpartum anxiety or other perinatal mood or anxiety disorders, she adds.

For Heidi Walters, a parent of two in Syracuse, New York, that instinct to protect went into overdrive after her first baby was born. Because her newborn was quiet, Walters found herself waking frequently to check that her baby was still breathing. Exhaustion eventually blurred into half-awake panic — she’d jolt up convinced her baby was still in bed after a feeding, only to find her safely asleep in the bassinet.

While night wakings for parents are common, it’s also important to remember that prolonged sleep deprivation can take a real toll. Research published in Sleep Medicine Reviews found that disrupted postpartum sleep is linked to poorer mental health and less responsive parenting. 

If you’re struggling with a lack of sleep during these early months, it might be time to consider taking shifts with your partner, reaching out to a trusted friend or family member or hiring help (such as a night nanny).

Read more:

Infant scoot crawling: Is this normal?

How to make time for self-care as a responsive parent

Those early months with your baby are both beautiful and very hard, acknowledges Amin. And it can feel impossible to make time for yourself. However, “a cared-for parent is a calmer, more connected parent,” she adds. And this means your well-being is a priority too. It doesn’t have to be complicated either.

Amin suggests the following to avoid exhaustion and burnout:

• Rest when you can.
• Accept help, even if it’s not perfect.
• Look for small recharges like a walk, a hot shower or a meal someone else made. 
• If exhaustion or anxiety starts to feel constant, reach out for help.

How to respond to accusations that you’re a helicopter parent

If you’ve come this far and reached the conclusion that your parenting is appropriate for the stage you and your newborn are in, you might be wondering how to address spoiling and helicopter parenting comments from anyone from a stranger to your mother-in law.

If you are a millennial mom or dad with boomer parents, you might find yourself fielding these questions more often, says McQuaid. This is largely because millennial parents are choosing to respond to their babies differently than their parents, she says. And when you’re making parenting choices that feel good to you and others don’t understand or support it, “it can be incredibly isolating, anxiety provoking and frustrating,” she says.

Today’s parents are also constantly checking their choices against a glut of information and opinions, points out Cohen. While it’s impossible to shut that out completely, it’s important to remember that not every piece of information out there is for everyone. That said, if you’re questioning a parenting choice, step back and take stock of the big picture and your goals. Then, decide in that context “what or how to change things for the better — not because of pressure, guilt or shame, but because it feels like the right thing,” she adds.

And if you find yourself in a position where you’re defending your responsive parenting, here are some examples from McQuaid to use as a jumping off point:

• “Right now, this is what feels best when responding to my baby.”
• “Well, I guess if this is spoiling, my baby is going to be a spoiled baby.”
• “It’s really important to me that my baby feels safe.”

If all else fails, blame the pediatrician, doctor or therapist. You can say something like, “Our doctor provided some research about babies and development, and they said that responding to cues and cries is really important so that they learn how to regulate their emotions.”

Ultimately, as Amin reminds parents, “When babies are met with comfort and consistency, their brains learn safety, trust and how to calm down after stress.” So the next time someone warns you about “spoiling” your baby, remember — you’re not creating bad habits; you’re doing exactly what’s recommended to build your child’s sense of security.