How to know if being a stay-at-home mom or dad is right for you

If you’re struggling to decide if you can (or want) to become a stay-at-home parent, you are far from alone. It’s a common experience to feel torn between your options and wish you could have the best of both worlds. 

This struggle is, in large part, due to the push and pull between “the pieces of our identity that are tied to working outside of the home and being a great employee, and the pieces of our identity that are tied to being a great parent to our kids,” says Heidi McBain, a perinatal mental health therapist.

Here, therapists, a financial advisor, a leadership coach and a mom (who played both sides of the parenting field) share what to expect from becoming a stay-at-home parent, how to know if it’s right for you, conversations to have with your partner and more.

What is it really like to be a stay-at-home mom or dad?

In the United States, 18% of all parents are considered stay-at-home parents, according to the Pew Research Center. And while it has traditionally been moms who hold down the fort at home, the number of stay-at-home dads is increasing. The same study found that while 26% of mothers stay at home, 7% of fathers do, as well (up from 4% in 1989).

For these stay-at-home moms and dads, each day can look a little different. Liz Jones, a mom of two in Seattle, says her daily life as a stay-at-home parent wasn’t drastically different from working life — “just slower and a little more manageable.” A typical day included early mornings to work out and prep for the day (before the kids got up), outings to parks or the library, and afternoons filled with crafts or outdoor play before dinner and bedtime routines.

However, there were a few things about being a stay-at-home parent that caught her off-guard:

• Encountering other people’s opinions. From the people who assumed staying home was easy and didn’t involve any sacrifice to those who felt she made the wrong choice to stay home, it was challenging to experience those views, she says.
• Feeling a loss of identity. To go from being an independent, self-reliant professional to being in the service of others 24/7 made her feel like she was losing her identity outside of parenthood.
• How isolating being a stay-at-home parent could be. In addition to being the only adult at home most of the day, Jones says without family support or the money to hire babysitters, it was hard to find time for herself.

“The ‘right’ choice is deeply personal and may shift over time. What works for one season may need to be re-evaluated in another.”

— Allie McQuaid, licensed professional counselor

Is being a stay-at-home parent right for you?

What makes being a stay-at-home mom or dad a good fit for you and your family is a lot more complicated than simply deciding if you want to do it or not. “The ‘right’ choice is deeply personal and may shift over time,” adds Allie McQuaid, a licensed clinical professional counselor and owner of Tree House Therapy, LLC. “What works for one season may need to be re-evaluated in another.”

Before you get into the decision-making process in more depth, here are some questions the experts shared that might help you determine if becoming a stay-at-home parent is for you:

• What motivates you to stay home?
• How would being a stay-at-home parent align with your values and goals?
• How would leaving your job impact how you see yourself?
• How will leaving your job impact your family financially?
• How do you feel about being dependent on a partner financially?
• What will the new division of labor look like when you’re a stay-at-home parent?

What’s the financial impact of becoming a stay-at-home parent?

Going from two incomes to one can be a daunting prospect. The “simple” math, as Brittany Metzig, a financial advisor at Bond & Devick Wealth Partners in Saint Louis Park, Minnesota, says, “often starts with comparing daycare costs to the potential income of the parent considering staying home — but even that isn’t apples to apples.” 

There are many factors to take into account, such as your family’s overall tax liability, as well as tax deductions or credits you might qualify for with daycare expenses, she adds. There are also less obvious financial aspects to consider, such as the long-term effects to your retirement and savings accounts. 

With that in mind, it’s crucial to map out how budgeting will look before making the leap to stay-at-home parenthood. Here are some actors to consider during that process: 

• Daycare costs vs. staying home. While staying home is the least expensive financially, there are still other ways to save on child care. Options range from in-home setups to daycare facilities to a nanny (all with unique price tags).
• Future children. Can you afford multiple children on one salary? And, back to daycare cost: Depending on the timing, this cost will  likely double with each child, if you decide to return to work. (You may get a small sibling discount for both a daycare and a nanny.)
• Insurance and other benefits. “If the stay-at-home parent is the one providing health insurance, switching to the working partner’s plan could result in higher premiums or reduced coverage,” says Metzig. And, if you plan to have more children, does the working partner’s insurance provide adequate prenatal coverage?
• Work-related expenses. While not as hefty as, say, daycare costs, the savings from one partner not commuting and incurring other work-related expenses (clothing, for example), can be significant.
• Potential health care savings. While this also may not add up to much, you may save on some health care costs by your child not being exposed to the sicknesses that get passed around at daycare.
• Difficulty saving for college, a home or retirement. If you or your partner become a stay-at-home parent, will you be able to afford to continue to contribute to these types of savings? 
• Limited retirement growth. When you take time off work, you also lose any 401K employer matching on the contributions you would have made. The brokerage firm Fidelity estimates that if you make $50,000 a year, a year off work could reduce your retirement savings by $106,469.

How does staying home impact your career long-term?

When you or your partner become a stay-at-home parent, your career typically takes a breather, unless you find a flexible work arrangement. This can result in short- and long- term impacts.. Here are some things to consider in that realm:

• Career development. While staying at home, you will miss opportunities for promotions, training and education sessions and more. 
• Social security eligibility. In order to collect social security once you retire, you have to have paid into it for at least ten years, according to Experian. Also, Social Security benefits are based on your 35 highest earning years, so taking several years off can reduce your future income.
• Loss of professional contacts. While it can be tempting to shut off your “work brain” completely, leadership coach Jess Feldt states that “the most important factor in how easily someone can re-enter the workforce is the strength of their network.”

How can you prepare to re-enter the workforce?

If you plan to go back to work when your child is older, it’s a good idea to keep that in mind as you transition into your stay-at-home parent role.

This doesn’t mean you have to spend hours networking or attending conferences. But try to keep a finger on the pulse of your industry and contacts. This can be as simple as checking in with people via email now and then, asking how they are. 

Just stay in touch, Feldt adds. You never know where an opportunity may come from — it could be from someone in your professional network, or a parent in the school drop-off line who works at a company you admire that just so happens to be hiring for a role with your exact skillset.

It’s easy to assume that the stay-at-home parent will carry the bulk of tasks — from scheduling baby’s doctor appointments to cooking and cleaning — but the reality is that your day will revolve around your child. Being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job. 

How does being a stay-at-home parent impact your identity?

If you’ve worked the majority of your adult life, it can be an integral part of your identity. Becoming a stay-at-home parent can feel like a major identity shift, particularly for “millennial parents who were raised to value productivity, ambition and independence,” says McQuaid. 

Confidence and self-worth

If you are successful in your career, you’ve likely experienced some version of performance reviews, project evaluation, reinforcement, feelings of achievement and success and feeling rewarded and praised, adds McQuaid. You may find yourself missing this acknowledgment and validation, unless your partner and other support people make a conscious effort to fill that gap.

Personal fulfillment

“Feelings of isolation, frustration or self-doubt can also arise, especially when day-to-day caregiving feels repetitive or overwhelming,” says Elizabeth Schane, a licensed clinical professional counselor and founder of Well Roots Counseling.

You can prepare for this emotionally “by building support systems, carving out small moments for self-care and keeping open communication with your partner,” Schane adds. Let’s dig into this a bit more.

How to talk to your partner about being a stay-at-home parent

Before you make the leap into stay-at-home parenthood, experts recommend mulling over the following topics and discussing them with your partner. Additionally, McQuaid says some of these topics should become the centerpiece of regular conversations. Doing so will help keep you and your partner in alignment.

1. Review your division of labor

It’s easy to assume that the stay-at-home parent will carry the bulk of tasks — from scheduling baby’s doctor appointments to cooking and cleaning — but the reality is that your day will revolve around your child. Being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job. 

Instead of falling into the trap of the SAHP carrying the bulk of the mental and domestic labor in the home, discuss and recalibrate these expectations with your partner to help prevent burnout and resentment. This can be a complicated conversation to have with your partner, so here are some tips from Schane to get you started:

• Start with a shared goal. Begin by framing the conversation around teamwork rather than blame. For example: “Let’s figure out how to make things feel more balanced for both of us.”
• List visible and invisible tasks. Write down all the household, parenting and mental load responsibilities — not just chores, but things like remembering doctor’s appointments, emotional check-ins with the kids or buying birthday gifts. You can also use Fair Play cards to get you started with this conversation, adds McBain.
• Categorize and divide based on strengths and bandwidth. Rather than splitting tasks 50/50, aim for fair and flexible. Talk about who has more energy, time or preference for certain tasks, and where you can trade off or rotate duties

2. Schedule regular check-ins

Just like you might with work projects, set aside 10 to 15 minutes each week to reassess how things are going. This prevents resentment from building and keeps communication open.

3. Practice appreciation

Acknowledge each other’s efforts, even small ones. Gratitude helps reinforce that both partners are contributing in meaningful ways, even if the tasks look different.

4. Make time for self-care

When you’re “on-the-clock” 24/7, it can be hard to make time for yourself. But “it’s important to identify your needs and prioritize time for yourself as a SAHP,” says McQuaid. 

In addition to your spouse’s help, ask yourself if you have family members or friends (or paid caregivers!) who can support you in making time to yourself a priority. “You may be caring for children for an entire day by yourself — you deserve to have time for rest and time for hobbies/time outside of the house too,” McQuaid adds.

What if you feel guilt because you can’t or don’t want to stay home?

If you can’t (or don’t want to) stay home, it’s normal to feel guilt, says Feldt. But also, she encourages “parents to get curious about why they feel guilt.”

“Guilt is an emotion that humans developed because we are social creatures,” she adds. “Guilt says, ‘you did something wrong to someone. Fix that behavior, or you will no longer be part of the community.’” And while this is a great instinct if you’ve actually done something wrong (like rob a bank), it’s “not such a great instinct when that guilt is driven by social norms versus actual harm.”

How to deal with working parent guilt

1. Shift your perspective

It doesn’t work to simply tell yourself, “don’t feel guilty!” Instead, Feldt recommends finding another emotion to focus on. For example, “you can choose to feel appreciation that your child is in a safe and caring environment with another caregiver. You can choose to feel empowered by the role model you are becoming for your child.”

2. Talk it out with a supportive person

And if you’re still experiencing guilt and sadness over your necessary decision to continue working outside of the home, McBain reinforces that these are very real and normal feelings and that you aren’t alone in feeling that way. Therapy can be a helpful place to process the myriad of emotions you might experience, she adds.

3. Focus on quality time, not quantity of time

“Choosing to work does not make you a lesser parent,” Schane adds. “It can actually benefit your family by supporting your mental health, while also modeling a sense of purpose and providing stability.” So when that guilt creeps up, she concludes, “focus on creating intentional, meaningful moments with [your] child, knowing that the quality of connection matters far more than simply the quantity of time at home.”