Driving and the Elderly: When your parent needs to stop driving

Your parent's driving has become noticeably worse. When on the highway she wavers across the lanes rather than staying in hers. She goes through traffic lights unaware, forgets to turn her head lights on at night, or frequently bangs the curb while turning.

You're terrified that she might harm herself or someone else, but hesitant to deprive her of this crucial means of maintaining her independence.

How do you approach the topic?

Affirm that your parent is in charge

According to Emily Saltz, LICSW, director of Elder Resources -- a private geriatric care management firm that empowers seniors and their families through difficult transitions, to find appropriate care and navigate the overwhelming maze of our health care system -- you need to first affirm to your parent (or grandparent) that you share her goal to preserve her independence, but want it to be maintained in a safe way. Reassure your parent that she will be the final decision maker about any plan, that she is the one in charge.

Have alternatives in mind

You need to have alternatives in mind that will help the senior preserve her independence before you have the discussion, Saltz says. Whether you want to suggest taking cabs, hiring a driver, or arranging to shop with another friend, don't bring up the driving problem without offering an alternative.

Once your have affirmed that the parent is in charge, and you have alternative suggestions in mind, then you can ask your parent how she feels about driving. Has she noticed that her driving is not as steady as it used to be? Does she feel comfortable on the road? Worried that she might hit someone?

Your parent may or may not share her concerns with you.

If your parent does share her concerns, then together you can think of alternatives

Reassure her that you don't want her staying at home, you just want her to get safely where she wants to go.

If she does not share her concerns, you will still have to share yours, in a gentle, respectful way

Say that it seemed to you that she was having trouble staying in lanes, or paying attention to traffic lights, or to headlights, and you wanted to help her think of possible alternatives to driving, so that she can continue her life, but safely, both for herself and others.

Hopefully, by keeping a respectful tone, affirming your parent's control over her own life, and her need for independence, together you can come up with a solution to this painful but necessary transition out of driving.

Helpful article link: Taking the keys away

Ronnie Friedland is an editor at Care.com. She has co-edited three books on parenting and interfaith family life.