The Trickiest Kid Problems - Solved!

Positive reinforcement, timers n counting can really help! Of course being a good role model is also key.

Lots of humor, setting limits and following through....

I recently encountered this and didn't know what to do or say: I regularly nanny fortwo children while their mom works late. Both children were engaged in an activity and seemed really happy. After we finished the activity the little boy wanted to watch some tv, so I said yes. The older (age 11) daughter said she wanted to return a phone call to her friend. She sat on the patio during the phone call and when she came inside she seemed fine. The evening went well, both kids showered and then I put them to bed. When their mother got home she was concerned that her daughter had called her (I thought she was calling a firend) and for 15 minutes harped and begged her mom to come home and why was she working so late. I had no idea this had happened and felt bad that I didn't realize she was actually talking to her mom. I honestly don't know what I should have done or what I need to do to prevent his from happening again. This seems very manipulative to me - and if it were my own child I would want to nip this behaviour in the bud. Any feedback for the future would be great.

Sometimes children feel angry at their parents when they want their time, so they use guilt or making their parent fear that something is wrong. Maybe she is using that because she thinks her mother is choosing to be away, rather than needing to. I babysat for children when their father worked late and they often called to tell him they missed him and wanted him to come home. It is not a reflection on you, but rather a lack of understanding of her mother on her part. I would not take it personally. Is the woman a single mom?

The daughter is a brat! Her mother should address the lying issue with her. I would also not let her talk on the phone out of my hearing again. Good luck!

This shouldn't even be an issue for YOU. If the daughter has feelings she needs to share with her mom, the MOM should be open and available (within reason) to speak to the child. Maybe the child DID call a friend first, but that's not even the issue for YOU. Is the child forbidden to call the mother? If not, what's the problem? The mom needs to address the child's feelings, not YOU.

I agree with Linda. It sounds like this is an issue that the mother needs to handle. it's not uncommon for children to miss their parents and want them home. maybe the child feels neglected by her mother because she doesn't have as much time for her as she feels she should. it sounds like the mom needs to try to set aside some more time to spend with her children when she is not working.

I am currently babysitting 3 little girls ages 3 4 and 8 at my home. They are overall good children but I have a hard time getting them to listen when I tell them to do something. I addressed the problem with their Mom a few weeks ago but nothing is changed. Any suggestions?

I had a problem 5yrs ago w/a family . the son was 11 and didnt want to listen to me either . I felt I did above and beyond as a live in nanny . But one day the older boy tried to test me calling me a N****R because he didnt want to eat lunch w/his sister and I . I handled the situation calmly and firm I believe so he didnt get any rise out of me and understood that was not right to call anyone names . He later apologized (I didnt call the parents' when it happened, I felt I could handle the situation) I also think the fact I didnt call his parents' he knew he was in big trouble . And later that week I was fired . Now I've had plenty good jobs over the years thanks to CARE.com helping me weed out the bad ones but w/this job I did mess up and accept one off CraigsList . NEVER AGAIN !! Should I have done something different ? Their mother also had the boy apologize to me again w/a card and a bonus , but Im thinking the fact I didnt call her was the reason I was fired . But I don't think I did anything wrong .

@ JASALYN R. when you accepted the job did you set boundaries ? You can still be fun but kids especially at 3yrs can smell fear and hate it when your on your phone lol . You have to walk w/confidence and show them you are boss . I rarely give time-outs (I wasnt raised that way) or spankings , yell or anything like that . I follow close to what the parents' want but handle children like you would in a school setting I guess . Maybe the next time you babysit setup an arts and craft or decide to make a healthy snack (thats fun of course) and set that up as the reward for their good behavior for the time your there . I usually just google a few things I can do w/kids and either bring some materials w/me . One activity is all you need and next time you come they will be excited for what you have in your bag they will probably be begging their parents' to get you back ASAP !

I recently had an experience with the mom of the twins I nanny. One twin is getting really mobile and is crawing and pulling himself up on everything. They just moved into this house about three weeks ago and are still getting used to it all. Well the other day, that twin was in the kitchen and was climbing on the wall, he got close to a drawer and smashed his fingers. He didnt cry, he just yelped to tell me. I was right there but was busy with preparing their food. When I confronted their mother, she said, " you didnt stop him?" I didnt know how to answer. Her kitchen is not child proof and there is not gate or anything to stop him from going into the kitchen. It really upset me when she said this. she has been rude like that the last couple weeks. She made it sound like I just let him smash his fingers. I would never let s child just get hurt and now it isnt the same with her. I always do everything right for her standards, just incase she is watching me. How do I handle everything from now on? I have actually been looking for a new job because it is only part time with them.

@Brittany There really isnt anything you could have done you arent super woman ! but i would keep a closer eye on him maybe put him in his seat while you are cooking .. give him some milk or a lil snack to keep him busy and than you wont even have to worry about him than .. and dont leave w/o notice . if you are having issus talk to the family first and explain you are looking for more hours/pay and will help train the new person . i think you handled yourself well .

I worked at a summer camp for children for two years in a row and their is a trick we learned.
Instead of hearing the works "dont argue"
use the words "be sweet"
Or instead of "dont yell"
trade it in for "quiet please" or just quiet will do.
I know it seems silly but it really works.
Instead of using phrases that have the name of the action you are trying to avoid, try using the exact word of what you are wanting them to do.
Oh and always say it sweetly.
:)

I've been watching Nanny 911 A LOT lately lol! Everything on this list has come up in one way or another! =) Make a fun and creative way to follow rules(make a fun visual chart) and play games. Have a fun visual for the rewards with good behaviors and give them privilege for them, and to discipline bad behavior take away an item and a privilege. This can also teach them to appreciate and better confidence n growth throw little responsibilities and to earn. Safety first wasnn't on the list! Sometimes kids tend to not use calm words to communicate their feelings on their own so you have to be the one to ask them questions and find the words for them to express how they are exactly feeling. It's always important to do something creative and constructive to expand their minds and keep them focused. The adults always have to be consistent with rules and consequences. Not making everything the same way will confuse kids and they adapt to routines. Leading by example is always the right way to go, if you are calm and don't yell then kids will pick up on that, but if they are around yelling a lot they tend to yell and be violent n misbehave and act out too.

Tambi- parent has no boundaries. They feel guilty and let kid whine. Not your fault.

Brittany- Why not speak to her "Why are you speaking to me in a rude tone? It makes me feel disrespected. " From now on, keep the kids in eye view at all times. When preparing food, hmm, ask mom how she does this. "I would value your input on_______" You are a valued employee, be assertive.

Ashante,
Why didn't you ask the reason why you were let go?

Brittany,the mom of the twins has issues. No nanny or caregiver is able to prevent evey chilhood injury.It is NOT like you were in the other room playing on your phone.I agree with Ashante though, do they have a little seat you can them put in? I used to watch twins too and when I was getting lunch or dinner ready I put them both in thier playpen which eliminated the chance of something happening.You should not have to deal with a parent treating you with such disrespect over something you could not possibly prevented.

I am a mother of 6 (age's 13 months -17yrs)and have been a family child care provider for 17 years along with a center director for 2 well known day care centers... that being said I have seen A LOT! @ Tambi.. I agree that some children feel as though they are left.. and because the sitter/nanny may or may not do what "mom" does they may tend to act out.However, she is 11 and knows how to (or what works) to manipulate the situation, I believe you have to set boundries early and ask the parent of their expectations and what to do in various situations ( how you should handle it). You should have your own philosophy and share that with the parents.
However, it sounds like the daughter just wanted her mom, in which case the mom probably knew that.. you shouldn't feel bad that you didn't know she called her mom, yes it would have been nice if she said "hey I am gonna call my mom", and I know how that probably made you feel, but you can't control that. I would just say the next time you watch them is that if she asks can she use the phone just ask sure you can use the phone, but are you calling your mom? If so we shouldn't bother her while she is working so call her quickly and let her know you are thinking about her and can't wait to see her. That may be a good approach to a situation that you will not be to totally control but you still have some control. Then when she calls step out of the room and then come back in about 5 mins and say "ok, tell mom you love her". :)

I think with any situation either parenting or caring for children, it is very important to have consistency. Children do so much better when they know what to expect or what is going on. Of course I think there are some very unruly children and many times us as caregivers can really help..but the bottom line is the parents need to help many situations too (speaking about less than stellar behavior)and work with us and understand that we are here to teach and care for the children and that is our objective. For instance when parents allow their children to jump on a couch (for instance) the child will then think it is ok to jump on anyones couch. That is not acceptable to everyone.. I know I have never allowed my children to do that and they have never done it. But I have had children either in the family or children I have cared for that were allowed to do that and would come over and TRY to do that at my house.. but because I reinforce we don't jump on the couch we jump on the ground (outside or in the basement, wherever just not the furniture) it was carried out also by those that came or come into our home. Many parent's can't understand how I can get their child to listen to these simple rules.. CONSISTENCY, REINFORCEMENT!

Good luck everyone

Children like Structure

I recently had a "situation" with my 2 year old charge. We were at the park and she had been swinging on the only swing that's really safe for her age. She had been on it for about 20 minutes and others were waiting. She was saying her usual "I don't want to" when I told her we needed to let others use it. Remembering my own childhood, I used her full name ie: "Jane Doe Smith, it's time to go". She immediately put her arms around my neck and "obeyed". I was surprised how well it worked:)

I am a Nanny for over 10 years, I believe in discipline, but in a good manner, kids will always be kids, you have to let them know who is in charge, but at the same time just love them

Ellicent D.

I took care of 2 girls ages 5 and3 with a mom who worked from home, and had one nanny all their lives, that was a huge challenge. The 3/yr old was ok but the 5/yr old was my biggest challengre, i was ready to leave the very first week,but the mom titerally beg me to stay. The dad worked out of town so when he comes home wk/nd he would start playing with them and stop abroptly and expect me to "deal with it" is his attitude. What ever the oldest do the younger one would follow so i have to set boundries and follow through withit.Chikdren listen to the tone of your voice, never yell, just use a firm tone to let them know you are the adult and you are in charge, but always let them know that you love them and it is for their own good and they will learn to appreciate and respect you.

Every child has a favoriate blanket.always take it along in the car and when ever the screaming start ,in a loving voice say,"dear, put your head back and hug your blanket," it work every time.

Good luck.

The girl nees to understand why her mother is working the hours. She is feeling abandon. She wants her mom to spend more time with her. I think you should monitor the calls. You would need her to sit near you when making a phone call, so you know who she is talking t. If it happens again the phone will need to takin away for,so long. Nip the problem,before it get worse.

love and logic and having a equal mind, exercise can help reroute minds, stepping back not allowing the child or children take the control, letting them take responsibility of their own actions.

What I do to prevent any complications is when I an hired I pretty much treat as if I worked in a daycare.I always check if the house is childproof.if it is not I always say it a safety measure I like it helps me keep the children safe.I also do fill out a report when the kids get hurt so there no miscommunication. I also do an emergency contact form,what they did that day,what meals they ate,changing & bottling time. . .etc. The key is to have open communication with the parents.I do believe if the kids call you names you should tell the parents by not doing this it makes you look like you think you know how to raise their child better. With the girl calling her mom that is just away for to express her feelings to the mom its not a bad thing except that she lied with the friend part. Not to be mean I tell it how it is. . .she may not feel comfortable with tell you these things which is fine but you should have talked to the mom about what you should do to handle this situation. The KEY is to have an open communication with the family, don't be afraid to tell them things or ask. Also think if you were the parent and the nanny didnt tell u what happened how would you feel.also it helps taking a childcare prep class

Tambi-

That sounds like a hard situation to address. As a nanny, if that happened while the kids were in my care I'd likely feel a little hurt by the child's ability/want to manipulate. How do you handle an 11yo girl that acts exactly like an 11yo girl? Let's face it-they do that, challenging authority and seeking independent problem solving and experimenting with manipulation is all about the middle school years!

What I would do:
I'd open up a dialogue with the kid and let her know that her mom told you what had happened, first of all. You don't have to be 'mad' about it, or accusatory. It is not out of line for you to ask who she is calling in the future, she's 11-besides, if she's got "boy-stuff" you and mom probably want to know about it. That way, also, if she lies and does call mom again-then she's in trouble for not being honest instead of calling her mom-which is tricky to reasonably punish her for. Maybe you and mom can set up a group (Timed) phone call to mom for a few minutes (pre-planned with mom).

But let her know you know she called mom. Then address the emotion, "man, I can't imagine how much you miss your mom...it must be really hard while shes at work...she's working really hard to give you a good life...etc., but it must be so hard for you, I get why you'd be mad..sad...it would be really hard for me to, but you have to be strong because you're the awesome big sister..." Get her to see that you are totally AWARE of how hard it is for her so that she knows she can talk TO YOU anytime she's sad.

Also, implementing "special" nights for the kids to look forward to while mom is away can really help ease the tension of missing mom. Not all the time, but maybe once a week-mix it up-give them something to really look forward to (discuss this with mom prior) maybe you can have a BBQ or an ice-cream party, maybe they can have friends over and watch a movie ...either way, make it an activity that they're not normally allowed to do (with mom's approval-you're not trying to get in trouble or disrespect mom). Maybe once in a while they're allowed to wait up for mom, you can get them to pretend to sleep (watch them giggle and just TRY) and surprise mom when she comes home (maybe tell mom first so she knows what to expect but have her act shocked)...etc.

Every once in a while-initiate conversation about how they're doing...etc. If they want to write a letter to mom, if they want to make something crafty and rad (there are ONE MILLION craft ideas online) for mom when she comes home...or maybe they want to decorate mom's door or the front hall of "Welcome Home MOM" ...give them some ways to divert their attention from angry/sad to useful ways of expressing emotions.

If you find that the 11yo girl is mostly not interested and is mad/angry/contrary lots of the time, make a special time to discuss this with mom-one of the things we do as nanny's is help families maintain homeostasis in the home while they're providing for their family (and us). What we need to be careful of is addressing bigger, more sensitive issues that may not be easy to deliver or hear. Mom might not know how much it's effecting her daughter and if there's a buildup of resentment that doesn't get addressed, it might make the teenage years quite a bit more tricky. It's important to deliver this message with concern and understanding, rather than emotionally charged or 'diagnosing' the issue.

We're just nannies guys, most of us have great patience, skill, education, empathy but we're not making the big bucks. We provide a service, do it well, and keep the kids safe. But we are not responsible to problem-solve psychological issues, what we are responsible for is keeping constant communication with the parents and keep them up-to-date on their kids while they're not around. Either way, the point is-this isn't something you can handle alone. That's not your job, anyway. You've got to get mom involved and have a few ideas in your pocket so she's not put on the spot-remember, she's mom (probably over-worked and tried to boot) but you're being paid because you're the expert.

Ashante-

Wow. That's an intense story! First, we all make up things in our head. Especially as nannies, we are aiming to please the children as well as the parents -when in fact, most of the children would rather NOT be with us because they simply prefer mom and dad. It's tricky, many parents don't get the balance we strike.

That said, after hearing your story, I'd bet pretty much my entire salary that they did not fire you because you didn't call them! If you were expected to call them every time the kids acted up, you'd absolutely know it. No one likes a tattle tale...especially if you're calling them to tell them their kid something so awful-it would me THEM look bad and put them on the spot while they were at work. No one wants to be in that situation.

Here's what I think: They were mortified, embarrassed, and terribly ashamed. How do you maintain a respectful work relationship with your nanny after your kid crosses the line like that? Where do kids learn racism?...They don't just make it up. Think about that. It's environmental.

That doesn't mean that I think they handled the situation well at all. They could have called in a family+nanny meeting and given you a chance to educate them about racism and hatred. You could have worked with the family to create a lesson for them or they could have even brought the issue to school (which is a likely place it came from) and discussed the matter with teacher.

Either way, many things could have been done BY THE PARENTS to make the situation right, and it would have been a great learning experience for everyone. But they didn't. They probably weren't made of the "right stuff".

Shake it off-have a plan next time (and hope to never use it)! But I'd say, forget about feeling guilty for not calling right away. Chalk it up to kids being kids! You nailed it when you said he was pushing limits. The kid didn't know the gravity of the N-word and as the expert childcare provider that you undoubtedly are...you knew that and didn't make a stink of it.

You did the right thing. You addressed the issue exactly when you should have and left it up to them to handle it. But instead of taking the high-road, it sounds like they burrowed under the rock of shame and let you go so they didn't have to feel so bad.

P.S. I think there needs to be a FORUM for Nannies by Nannies to address issues. Maybe a FB group...? Ideas....?Either way, its a delicate balance being a nanny and addressing issues with other nannies with concern and interest without sounding like gossiping school girls. Right nannies?! We need support too!

Well after to read all tese situations i can see myself in some of the same circunstances. As a Nanny i learn something.... when we take care of children instead of be in a factory is because i love them but doesn't mean we have to be treat as dogs... we are taking the place of the most important person in their lifes...."the mom" we have to remember them who we are.... "I love you with all my heart... i am your friend also but we have to respect each other no matter what" if you dont respect me i am not going to keep the secret and i dont care the answer but your parents must to know....about your behavior" believe me.... this works..but when you say it... you say it very serious and watching her/his eyes. Kids are smart and when they dont have the chance to win in an specific situation.... they believe that for little while you are the enemy.... dont worry.... in their heart your name is anyway in Big Prints. Good Look

I currenttly work with peer children and special needs children up to 5 years old. I also nanny /baby sit. And I agree they need and like structure and loving firmness. Show them,tell them what the expectations are. And realize we are a special person to do this job so don't let anyone put u down for a mistake u make. Keep up the good work ladies

Hi Tambi,Do you think you are feeling a little guilty because you weren't aware she was talking to her mom on the phone? And you didn't like that her mom was the one that brought it to your attention. Because if she was begging and harping to her mother on the phone you should of been aware something wasn't right. I'm not saying to listen to the childs coversation but if you were in and out of where the 11 year old was talking on the phone you would of heard her. Don't get me wrong I'm just saying thats why we aew nannies to watch the children when their parents are at work. Would of you felt better if you were the one who first told the mother that you were sorry that her daughter called her and wanted her to come home. I don't think the daughter was being manulipative she's 11 years old. That's normal. It's very important to have good communication with the child so she doesn't have to feel she has to go behind your back. There's nothing to nip in the bud just good communication. :)

make it a contest who can get dressed first

When my kids were growing up, I didn't let them watch creepy or scary movies. Not one time did I have to deal with them being afraid to go to bed or to sleep. It was just part of the daily routine, and they did it without complaint or whining. At least when we were in our own home--my daughter snookered my brother into thinking she was scared, but she just wanted to stay up when she thought we had some fun going on.
Getting a kid to sit still for a haircut is fairly easy for me. I just tell them about the time my own son was fidgeting and turned his head at the exact moment I trimmed the hair above his ears, causing me to snip a piece of his ear off. They either sit still after that or ask their moms to please let someone else cut their hair! :)

Not every situation is going to be ideal, in fact most have something that could be better. But sometimes there is nothing you can do about the fact that you don't fit right with a situation. We deal with people, and that means that there is no cut-and-dried way of doing things. There are general principles to guide all of us, and sometimes parents are just going to insist on their way or the highway. They have that right, even though some of them reveal their inexperience or biases that may not make sense to us. Don't feel badly about a situation or situations that don't work out. I have been dismissed twice over things that sounded ludicrous to me, and I would not change the way I handled the situations if I were to be confronted with them again. As much as we love the kids, they are not ours; and we are ultimately not answerable for them, only for our part in their lives and how we influenced and cared for them.

I have been trying the count to 3 strategy, and it seems to be working. Also, if by the count of 3 doesn't work I slap pm the back of thigh ( therefore preventing them from flinching). I've changed getting loud to talking normal toned and it seems to make a difference. It might not seem like alot but it has made a big difference in her reactions from testing me and knowing what's wrong from right.

Tambi--If children have cell phones ask parents if the children can call them at work. Or suggest to the parents that you would like them to tell the children that any phone calls should be made inside the house and nearby you. Also find out who they will be calling. If they want to speak to their parents while you are there, give them a journal or spiral notebook and have them start writing "letters" to their parents to read when they come home.

@Tiffany G.--I would highly recommend COUNTING DOWN and not up. If you count up to three (1, 2, 3...) and they are slow to respond or don't respond at all, then you are left hanging. They KNOW you can go higher and will push limits.

I have found counting down from 5 is highly effective. It's slightly more gracious than three seconds, but is much more final. who's going to go into negative numbers?? This has worked for me from age 1 (Yes. One-year-olds will respond promptly when properly trained.) all the way up to teenagers.

State clearly the behavior you desire to be executed (e.g. come to the table for lunch, begin toy clean-up, etc.) and inform them to be done by one. I then say while holding up the corresponding number of fingers, "Five, four, three, two, one, and DONE."

I feel this is the best method for displaying proper authority while simultaneously giving them ownership and a "deadline" so-to-speak. :)

why can I not click on each one? Only some are highlighted.

I think every one does the best they can with each situtions, children are all different and what works for one might not work for the other. Select age group you like to work with and be sure to speak with parents as to their expectations. Keep a daily journal and keep parents inform in it, ask parents how they feel about ways you have dealt with different situtions listen to their input so you are both on the same page. Parents and caregivers should always be in agreeance or work on a solution for what ever the problem is, otherwise it is not going to work. And remember parents always have the last word on how they want their children dealt with and if you don't agree or it goes against your believes you will probably need to look for another position.

When there was a squabble over a toy, I put the toy in time out for the remainder of the day and returned it to the toy box the next morning. Then when a squabble over a toy would start, all I'd have to say is, "That toy sure is causing trouble. Does it need to go to time out?" And the squabble would stop, usually with both children dropping it and walking away. This worked well for 1, 2 and 3-year olds. Not sure if it would work for older ones, but it worked for the age ranges I worked with, and that was good.

When many toys need to get picked up, young children are often overwhelmed. I found it easier to get them to clean up if I had them do it by category, i.e. let's pick up all the dolls, then let's pick up all the books, then let's pick up the cars and trucks, etc. That worked better for me.
Anything that they refused to pick up (unless it was their "special" toy) went into a basket that went in a closet and stayed there until the first of the next month. When I'd bring it out, it would be like a new toy to them and they'd appreciate it more.

I also made cleaning up a game. Once a week or so (and yes, I know this sounds crazy), I'd take a deck of cards or a handful of coupons and toss them up into the ceiling fan, letting them "rain" down on everyone. They'd sit in wonder as it all came down, then they'd fly through them tossing them in the air like playing with leaves in the yard. And then when it came time which was before they were starting to get bored with them, I'd have them pick them all up and put them all in a basket. Because we'd had fun with them, they were very willing to do that.

take away one of their favorite toys. they can earn it back within a certain amount of time but if they don't behave they lose it for the whole day

Great feedback, I am a grama caring for my 4 year old grandson. He is a runner, he has no fear. I thought he'd grow out of it, he starts daycare soon and pre-school in Sept, will this become an issue with them? I literally have to chain my door, the worst is when he sets his mind into not cooperating, he acts like, it is a game and and wants to be chased. Any suggestions?

Thank you for all your suggestion. It very helpful.

Any advice on if I did the right thing by telling this family I had been watching there twins boy n girl age 6 starting last school year. The kids are very disrespectful rude kids that cuss all the time thinks everything you tell them to do s funny. Have to tell them to do something at least 5 times or more before they do it. Spoke to the parents about it when I first started they did a little better but watch them over the summer some and they was the worst espically 11 hrsva day. The kids didn't wanna go to park or outside claiming it was too hot. I did take them places when the parents left money for me to do so. But they are the type of kids that can't be around other kids without doing something to them. They can't even be quiet in a movie and watch it. So the parents claimed I did nothing with them when I felt I tried to. I even would have to deal with a bad puppy they got and keeping the kids from killing the poor dog with the way they handled it and they thought it was so funny. So I told them I couldn't watch them any more because I couldn't deal with the disrespect and them not minding me so they said it's fine they guess its time for them to move on and find someone that can deal with them. I remind you I was the third one and think I lasted the longest. The kids was in kindergarten and got kicked out that should tell you something is wrong there but I tried my best to tolerate it because I needed the money. And so how about when I left they didn't even pay me all my money and claim
they don't owe me anything after dealing with there kids for 10-11 hours a day. Did I make the right choice to leave. I really feel bad for that dog and have been thinking about calling animal control center because they are being cruel to that pet.

Hey orange square. As an observer......You get nasty, you called a child a brat and.....
hopefully you aren't helping these kids with their spelling tests, because
Yikes !!!

Are you nannying now ? Because it seems you spend a lot of time on here giving bad advice.
Get back to work you're on someone else's checkbook.