8 Ways to Banish Bullying

Make bullying the new B-word. Here's how to handle a bully and rid your school, home and life of the toxicity.

eight ways to get rid of bullying

Maybe some of the bullying warning signs resonated with you. Or maybe you've just noticed something is off. Follow this intuition. You know your kid best, and any sudden change in behavior can indicate a problem.

Dr. Joel Haber, author of Bullyproof Your Child for Life, notes that in young kids, physical symptoms, like headaches, stomach-aches, and fevers, are critical as red flags. "Since younger children don't have the words to express themselves, they will often experience emotions physically instead," he explains.

Where there's smoke, there's usually fire. If it's not bullying, it could be something else -- so it's important to initiate a conversation with your child.

How to Learn What's Going On

Here are some tips from Dr. Haber to help you start a conversation and hear what's bothering your child:

  • Support your child. While the mere thought of someone else's child bullying yours might be enough to make you see red, it's important to remain calm. Don't interrogate your child. Don't hijack her electronics -- or her life, for that matter. Instead, tell her, in an easy and relaxed manner, that you've noticed this change. Ask if anything is up. Whether you get an answer or not, let your child know that you've been there too, but don't push her to talk until she's ready. Kristin*, the mother of a 12-year old bullying victim learned this firsthand: "I found the more that I prodded my son for details, the less he would tell me."
  • Investigate. So you've stayed calm and casual, but your child still hasn't opened up to you. What now? Try approaching someone else who is close to your child, like a sibling or a nanny. Express your concerns and ask if your child has told him or her anything. "Sometimes a kid wants to protect their parents from bad news and from worrying, so they'll tell someone else," observes Dr. Ludwig. Either your fears will be confirmed -- or you'll be back at square one with no information. Don't let your source completely dispel any fears, however, particularly if that source is another child. They might be sworn to secrecy! When all else fails, approach your child very directly. Explain why you're worried and ask that your child talk to another trusted adult, if they refuse to speak to you.
  • Take a deep breath. Recalcitrant to share as your child may be at first, you're encouragement to open up will most likely encourage him to come to you with his story. The situation may upset you, but it is vital that you don't get too emotional. Listen. Be empathetic. Show your child that this is a safe space. If you become very angry or distressed, your child will feel overwhelmed -- if his parent can't handle this, how can he?

How to Handle a Bullying Situation

  • Normalize. Bullying can knock over your child's budding self-esteem and confidence. It's important to show that bullying is -- unfortunately -- a normal experience. Point to famous and respected role models who have survived teasing, taunting, and worse. Share your own stories. Watch Mean Girls or The Breakfast Club. Read a book like The Hundred Dresses.
  • Create a plan together. Rather than taking matters into your own hands, sit down with your child -- even at a very young one -- and decide what steps to take together. You don't want your child to feel that he has lost control of the situation. Remember that your child likely fears the bully and probably doesn't want to end up face-to-face with him, even with teachers present. Suggest that you approach the school confidentially. Teachers can monitor the situation and discipline as they see fit -- without ever revealing your child as the one who "tattled." If your child opposes all seemingly "sensible" ideas, accept that for now. But if you are worried for his safety or if the situation seems more serious than he's letting on, do feel free to approach the school yourself.
  • Make new friends. "You don't want your child to be overly dependent on one group," advises Dr. Ludwig. Find an extracurricular activity for your child outside of school or go to a new playground, where he can meet new people who haven't seen him bullied at school. Befriending other kids will help boost his self-confidence, and just hanging out with kids who don't know about his situation will help him to forget about it -- if only for a couple of hours.
  • Attack on all fronts. What if the school isn't doing enough? What if the violence and teasing has made you fear for your child's safety? Get the police involved. They probably won't put the bully in jail, but they can monitor the situation through increased a presence in your neighborhood and help you obtain a restraining order. If that seems extreme, try meeting with the parents of the bully. They might be oblivious to the seriousness of their kid's behavior, and your concern will spur them to action. If you know them, try calling them up. Arrange to meet for coffee. If not, ask the school to help arrange a meeting on neutral territory. Otherwise: make it a community issue. Bullying negatively affects everyone in a community. Get other parents involved. Put it on the agenda of town meetings and school board discussions.
  • But don't let your kid attack the bully. "Obviously if he's not safe, he needs to defend himself - but you don't want to become part of the problem," advises Dr. Haber. In schools today, when kids get involved in any physical altercation, they can face consequences even if they didn't start it. Furthermore, the bully might lie to administrators about who started the fight and why. It's better to avoid that situation altogether by encouraging your child to approach the situation in a way that does not match the bully. Always try to use words first - and not angry ones.

Seeing your child hurt and upset will hurt and upset you, so do remember take some time for yourself. Have a mom's night out. Start a discussion on an online parenting forum, like one of our groups. Consider taking yourself to a counselor, or going to one as a family. Go away for a weekend together and refrain from mentioning the situation even once. And know that you'll live that way again.

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Comments (9)
a mom sick of bulling
my kids r being bothered by another mothers kids because she has a problem with me since our days in school she was the one trying to push me around and it didn't work out for her even thought the years she has tried to intimidate me. witch was funny to me for a woman of her age to acted .now my kids are being bothered by her kids and im tired of this year after year and the school system has done nothing . now my oldest is over 18 an hers to but now hers under 18 keeps trying mine to fight sayin lies like there mother about things they just hear her say and my oldest is tierd of it because her sister has got out of school because of it an this year in tti with her .but even now when they see a chance they do as there mom an keep pushing it .trying to get my oldest to fight her an get her in jail . I have seen there mother pushing others and now her kids do it to .so now what can I do they have to ride the bus to school .mine have been told to stay away from them but as they say they now how to be sneaky .I know most will just lough as always but im still trying for my girls . so now what to do
Posted: October 10, 2013 at 11:01 AM
Tiffany C.
Sorry we don't need that
Posted: June 11, 2012 at 4:29 PM
Rose
My daughters "best friend" at school (they were both 8 at the time) was very possesive of my daughter as she had no other friends and wouldnt let my daughter play with other kids and if she tried to would bully my daughter back into playing only with her. She left bullying voice mails at our house and would have weaker girls at the school call and leave these messages as well so daugher would only play with her. She then started cyberbullying my daughter and stole other kids passwords for the moshi monster accounts to say things about my daughter. I had told the teacher and the kids accounts that were stolen where changed but thats as far as the school went. My daughter missed school for a week because of migranes because of her "friends" behaviour towards her. At one point the teacher said they wernt allowed to play together at lunch but that lasted one day. My daughter is a follower and this child knew how to manipulate her and bully her. Weve changed schools yet the two still communicate and am trying to get daughter compeletly away from this child.
Posted: March 28, 2012 at 11:59 AM
Emily M.
What if your child is 5 years old?
Posted: January 02, 2012 at 7:10 PM
Michelle N.
Alecia-
Although your comments may be well meaning it does not seem they are founded in any medical research or even any first hand knowledge of the situation from the side of being the parent of the bully. The bully does not necessarily have to be psychologically wounded as you suggest in the comment. Yes they are often trying to find their way, and we all have to remember that the bully is probably insecure in the same way as all other children are at different times in their lives, however the bully is responding in an inappropriate manner. They are still developing too and mistakes happen.
I am sorry that parents of bullies have been unresponsive to your concerns in your case, however again not all parents of bullies are hands off, or uninterested as you suggest. Most of them, like myself, are just as frustrated, upset, confused and hurt by their child's behavior as the parent on the receiving end of the bullying incident.
Sadly your assertions do more to harm the relations between the parents of bullies and those being bullied, than help, by making it seem like the bully's parents could care less. Lines of communication need to be open and parents need to express to the parent of the bully in a calm and dignified manner what is occurring, and be receptive to hearing the other side as well, so all adults involved know the full story. Only then can a resolution be reached to the satisfaction of both parties. However, all the finger pointing, name calling, etc makes the parent of the bully defensive, and no resolution can occur if all the parents are then mad. Trust me it is no fun to be on either end of this situation, and with 4 school age kids I have been. Please keep in mind bullies are children too, learning, growing and discovering who they are, and the parents are often doing their best to have their children grow up respectful, kind, well mannered adults just as all of you are. My last comment on my rant would be that labeling a child as a bully does nothing to help the situation- I don't have a better answer other than naming the behavior rather than the child. Once labelled a bully it is really hard to shake that and change into something else.
(sorry I actually didn't mean for this to turn into a rant- I am the defensive parent of a "bully" who has been called all kinds of names myself and told all kinds of ways I "should parent")
Posted: September 16, 2011 at 12:29 AM
Photo of Sana M.
Sana M.
wat if a child is as young as 4 yrs....
Posted: September 09, 2011 at 3:11 AM
Stacey F.
Is there anything bothering your child? Have they had to face distance either physically or emotionally from a parent, dear relative, or familiar setting? Bullying isn't always, but CAN be a way of compensating, a sort of "Well, at least I'm in control HERE" dynamic. That said, as the parent, you can model and reenforce empathy, use a structured set of routines, and make sure you save your best feedback for positive actions. Don't offer excessive attention for bullying, just calmly remove your son, and limit exposure to situations where he is tempted to act out. Finally, check his diet and activity level. If he is hyper and not moving enough, he may need some lifestyle tweaking. (Sugar, caffeine, food additives, violent or intense media, lack of structure and lack of consistency can all leave holes where kids respond to triggers and act out). Make sure you show him and tell him what your expectations are in terms of behavior. Don't lecture and nag, but DO consequence unacceptable behavior. Sometimes natural consequences are good. And don't warn him. He needs to feel the disequilibrium of a cancelled activity or interruption when there is a concrete example of unacceptable behavior. If that doesn't nip it in the bud, don't be afraid to get expert help, just be sure YOUR EXPERT is experienced, reasonably priced, and has a successful track record!
Posted: August 17, 2011 at 5:24 PM
Photo of Becky M.
Becky M.
What if your child is the bully he is only 5 1/2?
Posted: August 13, 2011 at 7:13 PM
Photo of Alecia G.
Alecia G.
(often) Bullies are born of children who want attention and control. Bullies often feel insecure at home, and scared at school. Parents contending with having their children suffer at the hands of bullies should remember that Bullies, like trapped animals, are cornered in their homes and lives, they are afraid, and in pain even if they are fearful of admitting it.

I can say this having been on the receiving end of bullying. I have watched bullies, and the parents who are very hands off, "kids will be kids" "it's normal for kids to tease each other" parents are often emotionally distant enough for a child's sense of security to be shattered, if it ever existed. My heart reaches out to all involved in cultivating a bullying dynamic.

The article gives some great advice for parents. remember that just because the brains are in a younger, smaller package, in no way indicates how clever a child is. Talk to your child as directly as you would an adult, but with simple and clear wording, and they will see themselves as valuable in their parents eyes, and worth honesty in conversations. Patronizing a child makes their opinions invalid, and fosters a hesitancy towards talking to parents about future difficulties.
Posted: August 11, 2011 at 2:40 AM
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